January 29, 2007

Point and Click

Readers should be aware that drawings and updates for this blog may decrease slightly for a week or so because I have recently broken a finger. Well, I'm exaggerating, I didn't break my finger, but it is injured enough that a doctor wrapped it in bandage with a splint, so making use of my hand is an awkward ordeal at best.

Now how can I point at strangers and laugh uproariously? How will I finger paint, test the direction of the wind, do the 'wink and the gun', pick up wet pennies off the floor, or rub my finger across dusty mantles and scoff at the maid? And don't say I should use my other hand! This is the index finger of my alpha hand; the writing/ drawing/ wiping hand. (Even now I'm typing with one hand and one elbow.)

Anyway, instead of just revealing how it happened. I offer multiple choice. Play the game: "How I Hurt Myself"

A) I had a fight with a brown bear in an airplane over a girl. Luckily I was able to eject the bear from the aircraft, but not before he struck me in the finger with his powerful forepaws.

B) I was water skiing and hit a rogue wave, wiped out on an Indo-Pacific Bottlenose dolphin and got my finger lodged in its blowhole. The dolphin thrashed in panic and injured my finger.

C) While playing some basketball with strangers, I misjudged my skills and the trajectory of a pass to me. Instead of it landing gracefully in my hands so I could perform a layup, I flailed my hands out like a fat kid rushing for the last marshmallow square, and let the ball smash into my finger instead.

The lines are open, submit your answers now.

January 26, 2007

Mitch & Roland: #3 Subway

The weekend finally appears and forecasts declare it shall be a frosty maiden arriving at your door with gifts of wind and precipitation. It would be best to don both a scarf and a toque to keep the chill from humping your ears into submission. And on an unrelated note, here's another comic.


January 25, 2007

Get Full or Die Tryin'

Sometimes in this crazy world, people's opinions, desires, and vehicles clash, though hardly ever. And there's only one correct way to end a dispute. In Korea that way is Rock, Scissors, Paper. Back in the west, we have a much more vocal solution.





January 22, 2007

Save the Goombas

Long have we heard the stories of how video games are corrupting the youth of society. That they numb the brain, encourage violence, and promote indecent lifestyles. I'm saddened to say that it is completely true. Not only have clever politicians uncovered video games as the source of many of history's recent tragedies, but I have done some careful research and discovered some more isolated cases.

Culprit: Mario Bros. (1983)
Details: Jeremy Nickels, age 11, died after eating a series of forest mushrooms in the hopes that one would make him grow larger.

Culprit: Resident Evil 2 (1998)
Details: Mike Branstein, age 16, snuck into his neighborhood police station and used all the typewriters without permission. He also took all their gems and eagle medallions.


Culprit: Wolfenstein 3D (1992)
Details: Donnie Jacobs, age 15, and his brother Wally Jacobs, age 13, stole their father's machine gun and took it to the nearest castle where they savagely gunned-down four dozen innocent Nazis.

Culprit: Final Fantasy Series (1987-Present)
Details: Rob Wishaw, age 9, began a habit of holding newly obtained items (whether a book, pencil, or granola bar, etc.) above his head in triumph and shouting "Ta-da-da-DA-DUM!". Family, friends, and classmates quickly found him annoying as shit.

Culprit: Dr. Mario (1990)
Details: Vanessa Malle, age 11, was told by her mother that she had the flu and the girl then consumed handfuls and handfuls of pills because they had matching color combinations. She did not get better.

Culprit: Tetris (1985)
Details: Bobby Rothe, age 9, was stacking toy building blocks in his living room when he completed four rows at once with a long vertical column, creating a violent tetris that ignited the carpet. He suffered third degree burns over half his body and was lucky to escape the house before it was engulfed entirely in flame.

Culprit: Donkey Kong (1981)
Details: Martin Johnson, age 14, bludgeoned a monkey to death at the zoo with a mallet. He later told officials that he believed the monkey was reaching for a barrel. He then inquired if the princess had been saved.

Culprit: Super Metroid (1994)
Details: Duane Pemberton, age 13, attempted to swing from rooftop to rooftop with his grappling beam/ skipping rope. He may have avoided falling to his death had he not been weighed down with several thermoses filled with grape kool-aid that he called his 'energy tanks'.

Culprit: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Details: Mark Tannor, age 16, was so eager to purchase the game on its release day that he stole a car. While racing to the mall he hit an old woman, panicked, and raced off in the ambulance that had come to help her. After a long chase with the police, he rolled the ambulance over in a field, outran the ensuing explosion and held the cops off with a flame thrower. Out of ammo, Mark then ran around until a crappy pickup truck appeared, which he drove off in, narrowly avoiding a car full of FBI agents who totally creamed a sidewalk filled with pedestrians. After an unsuccessful jump over a bus, Mark fled the vehicle again, shot down a police helicopter, and was run over by a tank. Sadly he had enough money to cover the hospital bill and was able to purchase the game the following day.

January 20, 2007

Mitch & Roland: #2 Brick

It's the weekend, and you know what that means, right? No....well, yes. You should feed your dog and visit your grandmother - they both need the attention. But also the weekend means another one of these:



January 18, 2007

Where have all the weirdos gone?

In the past many sitcoms were built on the premise of one really strange character being thrown into a mix of normal people. They have been anything from genies to monsters to witches to aliens. Mostly aliens (Mork and Mindy, Alf, Third Rock from the Sun).

In fact, I can recall playing a video game based on the show Alf when I was very young for the Commodore 64 ( a computer so powerful, it could display text without hemorrhaging sparks into your lap). The game was filled with vibrant colors (three, I think) and a rich story about a brown smudge - that represented Alf - running around a PacMan-esque environment trying to devour cats and avoid capture.

Sure it was exaggerated a bit, but the game is essentially based on the sitcom. I can't think of any sitcoms nowadays, or in recent memory, that are worthy of a video game - even a poorly designed one. Could you imagine playing a game based on According to Jim or Two and a Half Men? I can, and it involves me shrieking and putting a foot through a monitor.

Sitcoms today still use the idea that one character can stir up all the madness, but now it's usually a cocky kid or an exuberant homosexual. We need to get back to our comedy roots with some extreme ideas. Like how about a couple who inherit a large expensive house, but the catch is that the home is already home to a blind ogre.





January 16, 2007

Drink, Drink, Drink, Drink ...

I've come across an alarming bit of news which I have to share with you now. The article is from http://www.shortnews.com/. Let's read it together, how 'bout? Alright:

"Woman Enjoys Large Glass of Antifreeze, Dies (Okay, hold on right there. Enjoys? A woman enjoys the large glass of antifreeze that kills her? I think we can settle on the fact that she consumed it, and let it go at that.)

An Alaskan woman is dead after drinking a significant quantity of antifreeze. (What exactly is an insignificant quantity of antifreeze to drink? Like, a shot? I will be bold and say that any amount, even a cap full you try in the basement because it smells so good, is significant.) The woman, who was looking for something to drink, came across a soft drink container. Unbeknownst to her, the container was actually filled with the deadly chemical. (Where the hell was she to come across this container of liquid and decide that it was okay to guzzle? Was she in a garage? At a party with a bunch of mechanics? And how thirsty do you need to be to drink a 'found' bottle of mislabelled fluid?)

She cracked it open, and began to drink it (This woman must have been thirsty. Like, desert thirsty. And yet she lives in Alaska.). Apparently, she somehow thought it was a glass of home brew (the ideal thing to drink when you find it), and continued consuming the liquid. Soon, her husband (who was also very trusting of strange smelling liquids, and dying of thirst) began drinking it with her. The woman then began to feel ill, then promptly died (At least she enjoyed it....right?).

Paramedics were called, and her husband was taken to a hospital. He told troopers he had a few sips (he had to drive home and you know how coolant messes you up), but that his wife had much more (a significant amount. Maybe a quart). He claimed they didn't know what they were drinking (not a stranger's moonshine, or mountain burst powerade as they had hoped). His condition at this time is not known."

Well, obviously a woman dying is no laughing matter, but the carelessness of these two people boggles my mind. You'd think that drinking antifreeze would be a generally easy thing to avoid in life, but thousands of people drink it every year. Why? Because it's delicious! Something has to be done. We need to stop making our toxic chemicals scrumptious!

January 12, 2007

From The Library of Funktastic

I think in many ways the books we read as a child define who we become in life. Those first few bits of colorful literature that we get our mitts on definitely influence us. When I was just a lad I can remember totally loving Dr. Seuss, Robert Munsch, Shel Silverstein, and my ultimate favourite, Roald Dahl. They still rock to this day.

Whether you were reading The Berenstain Bears, or The Adventures of Tintin, I'm sure you still hold fond memories of those readings. The children I teach all seem to be hooked on mangas and Harry Potter, and they will all grow up wanting to be ninjas, robots, and wizards. Those are fine aspirations.

Anyway, not all children's books are wonderful and appropriate for the youth. Here are the worst:




Mitch & Roland: #1 Superpowers

I present to everyone the absurd happenings of Mitch and Roland. It is a fresh new idea where two people are paired up, and they are dissimilar in their personalities. That has never ever been done before, ever. Expect one every weekend, so stay tuned....




I apologize for the poor quality and my mangled writing. I drew this just for fun many months ago.

A Double Dose of Poem

Early today I realised that I haven't written a limerick in far too long. I feel it's one of the greatest ways to express oneself, and a great creative exercise. Another great way to express oneself is by screaming and running bare-assed down a busy street. I've never been a runner, so here's a limerick:

I'm worried about children today,
Who don't try to go out and play,
They dare not leave home,
Without clutching cellphones,
And they trade baseball cards on Ebay.

Yeah, there you have it. I know the joke is dated, but I had to make it rhyme and I didn't want to go with 'Which I find most incredibly gay' as a punchline. Here's another limerick at no additional cost, because if I didn't include one that contained some manner of bawdy or violent joke, then that would be nothing short of lame.

Two mapmakers - Vincent and Slater,
Used to argue 'bout which was the greater.
Said Vincent, 'You wimp!
Your Peninsula's limp!'
And was then punched below the equator.

January 9, 2007

Losing Loose Change

If there's one great story a band can have, it has to be the story of how they came up with their name. The origins of the names are always fascinating; like, did you know the Red Hot Chili Peppers went with that because their first two choices were taken? They have long hated The B-52's and Deep Purple because of this.
It's always a sneak peak into the minds of our musical idols. Like this particular bit of music history:










January 7, 2007

Transfer to the Fruitcake

Today I was thinking that there must be some way to jazz up public transportation in a way never before realized. Some idea that could make a person's travels about the city a more enjoyable riding experience. Then it hit me.

Buses.

No... a bunch of buses didn't hit me. But an idea about buses did. Riding the bus is usually a boring ordeal, with all of them looking alike with similar numbers. That's no fun. But what if buses were decked out in different themes to make each trip unique? Like... have a bus done up in a Hawaiian theme, or a Christmas theme, or a Medieval theme. Wouldn't you be more happy about taking the bus somewhere if you knew when you got on, it would be like Christmas? Sure you would! Don't even argue about it.

And why stop there? The bus has a simple and common shape to work with, so why not make them look like other things? Like loaves of bread, Kleenex boxes, Lego blocks, submarines, toasters, milk cartons, you name it and they'll make it. Companies would jump at the chance for that type of advertising; why slap a poster on the side of a bus when you can turn the whole thing into a giant driving example of your product? It would be like a crazy parade going on all the time!

Also being confused about which bus to take would be a thing of the past. Every bus that runs a certain route would have a specific theme or shape. You'd have to be dumb as a brick to screw that up.

"Why the hell are you so late? You were supposed to be here half an hour ago!"

"Sorry, man. I took the Snickers bus and ended up on the wrong side of town."

"Well I told you to take the Duck Bus!"

"Which bus is that one?"

"The one that's shaped like a giant goddamn duck!"

You see? No more second guessing about whether you have to take #367 or #376. If you ride a fifties style diner to the mall...you're gonna remember.

This idea would make public transport easier and more fun to use, it would add color to cities around the world, and it would pay for itself with big brand names financing the whole transition. It's 2007, and I think we're ready for this kind of change. Plus, in a world where so many people dislike their jobs, it would be nice to look forward to the commute.

January 5, 2007

The Battle of Gorge

If you ever want to look into the raw idiotic wastefulness of society, then look no further than the Glutton Bowl. A speed eating competition where the heartiest eaters of the world meet to devour 'foods' in remarkable quantities. I have seen it on television, and I can do nothing but stare in horror and bewilderment. To watch grown men chow down frantically on anything from sushi to sticks of butter, it's just... just awful.

The events in this sport are regulated and supervised by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. I suggest checking out their website to see for yourself. You can read about Joey Chestnut, a man who ate 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in one sitting. Or at least go to see their official seal that displays griffins clutching mustard and ketchup bottles.

Around the world people are starving to death every day and in America you can watch the ludicrous spectacle of people eating mayonnaise at mach speeds. It's wasteful, stupid, and looks something like this:






See you at the Wellness Center during Recess

I heard recently that Oprah (...Winfrey, not the Oprah you know down at the deli) has opened a brand new school in South Africa for disadvantaged girls. What a wonderful thing, and certainly a great way to reach out and give to others when her life has been so blessed.

Yet, the 'Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy' sits on 22 acres of land, cost 40 million dollars to build and right not only has 152 students (which Oprah selected herself). The academy where I teach is essentially three small classrooms and we teach over 100 students. Plus, I'll go out on a limb and say that it didn't cost even a million dollars to construct.

The 'Leadership Academy' has a yoga studio, indoor and outdoor theatres, a beauty salon, and fireplaces in all of its 28 buildings. I would think that if she cut back on these unnecessary luxuries Oprah might have been able to build more than one school and wouldn't have to be so selective about which poor African girls could attend. For 40 million, I would think several schools could be built, but maybe I'm not thinking like a humanitarian who eats up publicity.

In any case, I'm sure Oprah's next projects include building more schools in impoverished countries that include cosmetic surgery wings and manicure studios.

January 3, 2007

Terrible Super Heroes: #1-6

We've all seen enough superheroes with their amazing abilities and astounding achievements (alliteration, booyah!). But haven't we had enough? What about the other poor souls who were given strange and sudden gifts, but could never live up to the supermen, batmen, and - dare I say it - ....aquamen?

As I did long ago during my days at Kings College, I shall share some of the lesser known and essentially awful super heroes in this first volume of many:




Well, there you have it. You can expect more in the future.










A Dress Made of Mulch

I can't really understand why I enjoy some reality shows, but I do. I've always been against their stupidity, yet some are fascinating despite the asinine setup. Like 'Project Runway'. I don't follow fashion, I don't buy new fashionable things, I ignore fashion shows, publications, etc...but...somehow that show is compelling.




There's just something interesting about vain and talented people being forced to compete in really difficult challenges while they all hate each others guts. I'm waiting for an episode where they are given 12 hours to make a dress out of soiled underwear. Then tension builds, hatreds grow, and someone has a sewing machine hurled their way.That's raw television right there.



January 2, 2007

An Observation on Hamburger Practices

Westerners usually make hamburger eating an experience that involves all the senses, including touch. We free it from its wrapper prison and grip onto its delicious bulk, as one holds a giant wedge of watermelon, to save it from spilling apart. At least that's how I've seen many do it (and how I've done it myself); even commercials frequently show delighted individuals holding aloft the stacked sandwiches before gorging.

Though in Korea I've seen a less greedy approach as many customers peel away the wrapper and eat it carefully without making direct hand contact with the food. While in Hong Kong at a hamburger joint I found tiny individual packets containing pairs of plastic gloves among the napkins, straws, and condiments. People could wear them while enjoying their fried chicken or burgers respectively. All in all I would say that there is a greater attention to hygiene here.

Also, I've witnessed the occasional hamburger cut in half so that it may be shared. I can't see this practice ever moving west, where burgers are never big enough and every opportunity to up-size and add cheese is taken. Anyway, I thought it was an interesting how such an American thing as fast food could be done in such a sanitary and non gluttonous way. Maybe one day we can all learn to eat less with cleaner hands.





Happy New Year - Shiny Ham Days

Happy New Year to everyone out there. It's been a long and eventful year with many things happenings and more things occurring as a result. And the future looks bright people, because the word on the street is that 2007 is the year of the Golden Pig. Awesome.

This comes as a relief after the year of the Bronzed Wombat in 2006. As we all know the wombat has long been a symbol of 'disappointment' and 'lime disease', but now we have nothing to fear as the pig is taking control of the wheel and driving us all towards happiness. (Warning! Do not let your pig drive you anywhere! They are only capable of driving the flavours of a meal to new and wondrous heights!)

In Korea, pigs are considered lucky and edible. So the new year promises to be not only full of good fortune, but also delicious. I think it's time we all invest in bacon. Stat.