Mitch & Roland: #35 Delivery

Happy Holidays to all the faithful Turnipites out there. Don't stop believing in random nonsense and the joys of an unexpectedly retarded remark.

I'd stick around, but I've got lazying about to do and Christmas dinner to drool over.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Hopefully like me, you're totally pumped for Christmas. I'm jacked, jazzed, locked and loaded. Christmas was fun in Korea, but it lacked the punch of holidays in Canada. It's been nice to trim a tree, wrap presents, eat homemade baked goodies, and catch a Santa Claus parade on TV.

And I've been listening to a lot of Christmas carols. I think my favorite has always been "I'll be Home for Christmas". It's a real nice mellow, almost sad tune. But there's one line that's always bothered me:

"Please have snow and mistletoe
and presents on the tree"

Right off the bat, who the hell is putting the presents on the tree? I've never seen that, I've never heard of that, and from day one that line of the song has never set right with me. And what about these lines from "Winter Wonderland":

"Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland."

Okay, dreaming by the fire sounds like Christmas to me, but what's this conspiring? And what are these plans we've made and are facing unafraid? Conspiracy, secret plots, and hidden fears - I think anyone would agree there is something ominous happening in this verse. And then what the crap is going on with "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year":

"There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for roasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago"

So everything is running smooth and then the song pulls ghost stories out of nowhere. Ghost stories! Who is telling scary ghost stories at Christmas? Don't bring up Dickens' Christmas Carol, that's a stretch and you know it! Nothing like letting the kids finish toasting their marshmallows and then scare the piss out of them with ghoulish tales of phantasms. Also, what the sweet turtledove are the glories of Christmases long, long ago? I thought at first they meant the birth of Christ and the glorious moment that must have been, but the song specifically says 'Christmases', and I know Jesus didn't have two births. Plus, it's not like they called it Christmas then. Mary didn't cradle her newborn and whisper "Merry Christmas, Jesus. You're just in time, Santa should be here any minute."

The song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is just wrong. Mom’s probably married, unless the kid’s part of a broken family and then I guess she’s just lonely. But that’s besides the point because I know for certain that Santa’s got a wife. Her name’s Mrs. Claus, she lives at the North Pole, and she probably would be very interested to know why her husband is necking with some divorced mother when he should be working.

Oh, and let’s not forget “We Wish you a Merry Christmas”. Look at these utterly screwy lyrics:

“We wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year.”

Telling us once was thoughtful, a second time was a little pushy, but by the time the third Merry Christmas rolls around I’m too annoyed to give a damn about New Years. I wish I could have been there when this song was being written. I’m sure the original fourth line was “and a Happy Christmas” before someone finally told this guy to lay off. Then the figgy pudding marketing people found him.

Big Misteaks

I have long felt that one of the most overrated foods in this world is the steak. For some reason people have put steaks on an upper tier of deliciousness as if it was the greatest form of meat, hell, the greatest meal one could choose. I find steaks can't compete with even a simple food, such as a sandwich.

I think the biggest problem I have with steaks is the inconsistency. Every time you eat one it's a bit of a gamble. Cuts of meat vary, the preparation can be different each time, and who knows what nitwit is cooking it. Half the time I've ordered steak, I've realized two bites in that I've wasted a bunch of money.

Honestly, I don't like paying a bunch of money for a slab of something that may or may not be edible. Gristle, fat, and stringy bits of who knows what. You're just innocently trying to enjoy your meal and bam, a mouthful of earlobe. I don't want to deal with that.

But it's not to say that sandwiches can't be bad. A sandwich is only as good as its construction, but I'd take a sandwich over a steak any day. A sandwich is full of near limitless delicious potential.

Sometimes I'm in a simple mood and I take an easy route. Maybe a peanut butter and jelly, or a sliced tomato on toasted bread. And other times I'm adventurous and want to experiment and I can't put enough ingredients. Deli meats, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, avocados, fresh ground pepper, cheeses, pickles, bell peppers, cucumbers, pineapple, shredded carrot, sliced apple, mayo, mustard, olives, sprouts, the list goes on. A sandwich can be as straightforward or insane as you want, plus you don't need utensils to eat it.