Enjoy.
Now that you have been introduced to the game of Insult Chess, please challenge you friends to an impromptu match. You never know, in time it may become a national pastime.
January 30, 2009
Mitch & Roland: #50 Insult
I'm happy to present the 50th installment of Mitch and Roland. While not much has changed since the first several comics (besides minor tweaking), I hope, like me, you have become fond of these two idiotic characters.
Enjoy.
Now that you have been introduced to the game of Insult Chess, please challenge you friends to an impromptu match. You never know, in time it may become a national pastime.
Enjoy.
Now that you have been introduced to the game of Insult Chess, please challenge you friends to an impromptu match. You never know, in time it may become a national pastime.
January 27, 2009
Apocalyptic Harmony: When Too Much is Not Enough
Those following the blog will know that I recently shared my thoughts on a popular song from a new Korean pop group. Well I feel the need to tell you about another group that is gaining similar popularity. They are called Girls' Generation, or SNSD (So Nyeo Shi Dae).
I first saw them on TV in a bright colorful music video; typical of all-girl Asian pop music. I flipped to it mid song, so I wasn't really sure what was going on. I struggled for more than a minute trying to discern who the members of the group were and who were just back up dancers or extras. Who am I supposed to be focusing on, I thought. Then, suddenly, I realized that every girl on the screen was a singer in the group. How many girls, you ask?
NINE! Nine girls! I remember once thinking S Club 7 was overkill, now I realize there's no stopping the madness. Nine girls is not a pop group, it's a choir. They outnumber Snow White and her dwarfs.
I don't want to sound like I'm following a stereotype, but I dare you to watch the video for their video "Gee" and tell me that they don't all look alike. They're all skinny with the same build and long dark hair. They're all equally pretty, of similar heights, in the same age group, have interchangeable voices, and none play instruments. Even the Wonder Girls (5 girls) had the decency to have slightly different vocal styles.
What is the point of forming a group of nine girls who are all the same!? Would it be so hard to give one a buzz cut? Or force the ninth girl to beat box or something? I'm sure they have unique personalities, but that hardly comes across in a music video.
According to wikipedia, the leader of the group is Taehyeon. I'm assuming that means she usually stands in the center of the group and has the privilege of singing 3 lines of verse while the rest sing only 2.
Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy as hell? While researching this group I stumbled upon another pop group, this time from Japan, also with nine Goddamn girls, called ... "9nine". Wow, that's clever. I guess someone had already taken the name "Nine, there's nine of us. Nine!!"
Well, if this is the way the winds are blowing, then I would like to produce my own all-girl pop group to sweep the music world. It'll be made up of twelve, count 'em, twelve girls and I'll call them The Diva Dozen. But instead of making them all clones, they'll each have unique qualities. Here's a preview of the members I'm hoping to track down:
1) Jessica, the cute one, will be your classic all American girl, except she'll be from China. She will wear a cowboy hat at all times and spit when she sings.
2) Bonny, the aggressive one, will often smokes, give the other members dirty looks, and be sporting fresh stitches. She will have a Mohawk.
3) Angelica, the princess, will only wear the color pink. She should be constantly leading around a panda on a leash, preferably one that has been spray-painted pink.
4) Doreen, the sad one, will bring much needed sobbing to the performances. Her trademark will be singing inaudibly.
5) Faith, the talented one, will be a piano virtuoso, though none of the songs or performances will require her to play the piano.
6) Katie, the paranoid one, will giggle endlessly and sometimes frantically scrub her skin with Brillo pads. She will wear a sexy nurse outfit.
7) Tarralikitak, the exotic one, will be an Eskimo. She should spend most of the time in the music videos making snow angels. Her name means 'butterfly'.
8) Girtha, the obese one, will be obese. Her trademark will be obesity.
9) Mindy May, the stupid one, will often eat her microphone and look confused. She should be exceptionally beautiful and not want to wear pants.
10) Jessica M., the rebel, will be continuously confused with the other Jessica in the group. She will also be Chinese, but will have a goatee.
11) Tina, the gay one, will only rap about being a lesbian. She will wear a plaid top hat and several pounds of gold chain.
12) Melissa, the strange one, will constantly be battling drug addictions and be in and out of rehab. When not able to perform her position will be covered by two midgets stacked in a trench coat.
If the group isn't an immediate success, I'll add 5-10 more girls and see how it goes from there. You know what they say in the music business: more is more.
I first saw them on TV in a bright colorful music video; typical of all-girl Asian pop music. I flipped to it mid song, so I wasn't really sure what was going on. I struggled for more than a minute trying to discern who the members of the group were and who were just back up dancers or extras. Who am I supposed to be focusing on, I thought. Then, suddenly, I realized that every girl on the screen was a singer in the group. How many girls, you ask?
NINE! Nine girls! I remember once thinking S Club 7 was overkill, now I realize there's no stopping the madness. Nine girls is not a pop group, it's a choir. They outnumber Snow White and her dwarfs.
I don't want to sound like I'm following a stereotype, but I dare you to watch the video for their video "Gee" and tell me that they don't all look alike. They're all skinny with the same build and long dark hair. They're all equally pretty, of similar heights, in the same age group, have interchangeable voices, and none play instruments. Even the Wonder Girls (5 girls) had the decency to have slightly different vocal styles.
What is the point of forming a group of nine girls who are all the same!? Would it be so hard to give one a buzz cut? Or force the ninth girl to beat box or something? I'm sure they have unique personalities, but that hardly comes across in a music video.
According to wikipedia, the leader of the group is Taehyeon. I'm assuming that means she usually stands in the center of the group and has the privilege of singing 3 lines of verse while the rest sing only 2.
Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy as hell? While researching this group I stumbled upon another pop group, this time from Japan, also with nine Goddamn girls, called ... "9nine". Wow, that's clever. I guess someone had already taken the name "Nine, there's nine of us. Nine!!"
Well, if this is the way the winds are blowing, then I would like to produce my own all-girl pop group to sweep the music world. It'll be made up of twelve, count 'em, twelve girls and I'll call them The Diva Dozen. But instead of making them all clones, they'll each have unique qualities. Here's a preview of the members I'm hoping to track down:
1) Jessica, the cute one, will be your classic all American girl, except she'll be from China. She will wear a cowboy hat at all times and spit when she sings.
2) Bonny, the aggressive one, will often smokes, give the other members dirty looks, and be sporting fresh stitches. She will have a Mohawk.
3) Angelica, the princess, will only wear the color pink. She should be constantly leading around a panda on a leash, preferably one that has been spray-painted pink.
4) Doreen, the sad one, will bring much needed sobbing to the performances. Her trademark will be singing inaudibly.
5) Faith, the talented one, will be a piano virtuoso, though none of the songs or performances will require her to play the piano.
6) Katie, the paranoid one, will giggle endlessly and sometimes frantically scrub her skin with Brillo pads. She will wear a sexy nurse outfit.
7) Tarralikitak, the exotic one, will be an Eskimo. She should spend most of the time in the music videos making snow angels. Her name means 'butterfly'.
8) Girtha, the obese one, will be obese. Her trademark will be obesity.
9) Mindy May, the stupid one, will often eat her microphone and look confused. She should be exceptionally beautiful and not want to wear pants.
10) Jessica M., the rebel, will be continuously confused with the other Jessica in the group. She will also be Chinese, but will have a goatee.
11) Tina, the gay one, will only rap about being a lesbian. She will wear a plaid top hat and several pounds of gold chain.
12) Melissa, the strange one, will constantly be battling drug addictions and be in and out of rehab. When not able to perform her position will be covered by two midgets stacked in a trench coat.
If the group isn't an immediate success, I'll add 5-10 more girls and see how it goes from there. You know what they say in the music business: more is more.
January 23, 2009
Mitch & Roland: #49 Soda
Woah, what the heck happened? Sorry for the lack of updates in a while. I think I slept for a period of a week or so. But don't worry, I'm refreshed and ready to rumble.
This weekend marks Lunar New Year, so I have four days off in a row. To celebrate I should consume four days worth of moon pies. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
This weekend marks Lunar New Year, so I have four days off in a row. To celebrate I should consume four days worth of moon pies. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
January 8, 2009
Things I Hate: Nitpicking Edition
Rogue Staplers
Why is it when you refill your stapler and insert that fresh row of staples there's no good way to close the damn thing without using up one of those staples? Goddamn, I hate that! I know you're thinking, "But c'mon, you can't possible care about wasting one lousy staple." That's not the point! Most staplers I used throughout my life are like that, and it's just irritating. It's a design flaw! It would be like reloading your gun and having one bullet fire off for no reason. I just want to be able to close the stapler without having one staple fly off into the carpet, and then later catch it under a toenail when I'm walking barefoot.Static Electricity
I once thought static electricity was all fun, and games, and balloons magically sticking to the wall, but I've learned better now. The dry winter weather combined with all my warm clothing being 'fuzzy' has resulted in the perfect storm of static. My winter coat is now a ticking time bomb, and every time I take it off I get zapped a few dozen times on my arms, back, ass, and legs. Painful zaps. At night when I'm in bed if I lift the blanket and shuffle my legs around I can see bolts of static lightning and they light up the darkness. I'll admit it's entertaining at times, but I'm afraid I'll roll over in the night and ignite. I'm pretty sure any story you've ever heard about spontaneous combustion was due to somebody dragging their feet on the carpet and then reaching for a metal floor lamp.That Stuff They Use To Clean the Stairs in the Building Where I Work
I don't know what on earth it could be, but it looks like pink toothpaste, reeks, and I hate it. I work on the third floor at an academy right near the stairs, so the sulfurous fumes waft in all day. Apparently it's a good way to clean stairs but it smells like they're lighting armfuls of matches made of ass. It's just gross. I'm really tempted to buy the cleaning lady something else to use that's lemon scented, but until then she'll be scrubbing the floor with farts.
January 6, 2009
Moo-thousand and Nine
Now there's a terrible joke to kick things off.
Happy New Year to all in the electric fun-dome I call the Internet. Hope the year is already treating everyone well. With 2009's arrival, it marks the two year anniversary of Turnipism. For those of you who wish to send me stuff in celebration, I'll remind you that the traditional gift for the second anniversary is cotton.
And for those of you who follow Chinese Astrology, I'll remind you that 2009 is the year of the ox/cow. I don't know the significance of that, but here are some fun facts about cows:
1) Cows have the ability to destroy anything with their mind. Luckily, they're too busy eating to use that ability.
2) Cows are delicious from the knees up.
3) A cow can win a race against a cheetah. But only if the cheetah is dead, and the cow is being pushed with a plow.
4) Cows have four stomachs! One for food, one for water, one for plastic, and one for the hell of it.
5) Cows have no idea what year it is.
There you go. A little knowledge to pass on to your children. Thanks again for reading, and here's to another year of wacky random shit!
Happy New Year to all in the electric fun-dome I call the Internet. Hope the year is already treating everyone well. With 2009's arrival, it marks the two year anniversary of Turnipism. For those of you who wish to send me stuff in celebration, I'll remind you that the traditional gift for the second anniversary is cotton.
And for those of you who follow Chinese Astrology, I'll remind you that 2009 is the year of the ox/cow. I don't know the significance of that, but here are some fun facts about cows:
1) Cows have the ability to destroy anything with their mind. Luckily, they're too busy eating to use that ability.
2) Cows are delicious from the knees up.
3) A cow can win a race against a cheetah. But only if the cheetah is dead, and the cow is being pushed with a plow.
4) Cows have four stomachs! One for food, one for water, one for plastic, and one for the hell of it.
5) Cows have no idea what year it is.
There you go. A little knowledge to pass on to your children. Thanks again for reading, and here's to another year of wacky random shit!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)