Turnipism

Thoughts on Donuts

2012-01-24T00:47:00.002-05:00

1. This first thing is really a note to donut sellers. If you have the urge to put a donut in a tiny paper bag, ... don't. The only thing sadder than finding a donut stuck upside-down inside the bag is losing 75% of the frosting when you pull it out. Always put a donut on a plate, inside a box, or at the very least, a flat bottom bag. Face up! I ordered a chocolate dipped donut. I didn't order a plain donut with a chocolate paper sleeve.

2. Did you know that donut comes from an old Dutch word meaning "dessert bagel"? Did you also know that there are three main types of donuts? Well, let me tell you. There are three divisions in the donut family (that I made up).

Topulus: These are donuts with some sort of decorative and sweet topping on the upper hemisphere of the donut. It could be a type of frosting, sauce, sprinkles, or nuts for example.
Fillohm: These are donuts with a central holding space for jelly, jam, cream, or custard. It also is made up of donuts with some other fruit filling cooked into the dough, like an apple fritter.
Glazorai: These are donuts with a complete coating of the outer surface area by a powdered sugar or glaze. You know you're eating a glazorai when there is no conceivable way to hold the donut without becoming sticky or dusted for prints.

Where do old-fashioned plain donuts fit into these categories? Let me put it this way: you wouldn't call an empty pie crust a pie, so I don't think a plain donut qualifies as a donut.

3. It occurred to me one day that we live in a world with "all-dressed" potato chips, and "everything" bagels, but why is there no such thing as an "everything" donut? We need to maximize the potential here. Observe this diagram:

As you can see the three divisions of donuts occasionally overlap. For example, where glazorai and fillohm meet we can find a powdered jelly donut. Or when topulus and fillohm join forces they create something like a chocolate covered eclair. But a donut has yet to be created that appears in the golden zone where all three overlap.

Someday I dream of drinking a coffee and enjoying an uber-donut. A giant beast of a donut that's been glazed, powdered, dipped, sprinkled, and stuffed with five different fillings (chocolate, vanilla, maple, jelly, and Boston cream).

4. Hell, it's about time we start making gigantic donuts and delivering them to homes like pizzas. You could even use the same boxes, just make them taller. Imagine the delight on the faces of kids across the country when dad comes home with a huge birthday cake-sized uber-donut still hot from the fryer and sizzling away in its insulated box. But be careful, Jimmy, that custard is scalding. And don't forget to save a slice of the cruller side for your sister. You know she doesn't like having to pick off all the sprinkles one at a time.

5. I wonder if donuts sales would be negatively affected by marking how many calories each donut has on top of them with icing. Would it have the same effect (or no effect) as marking packs of cigarettes with gross pictures of cancerous lungs? I mean, how would you feel if the donut you just bought had "300" clearly written on it to show how many calories you're about to eat? Would you not it eat? Would you regret not getting the "250" calorie donut instead?

Of course icing each donut with that nutritional information would be a lot of extra work and it's bound to lead to this scenario:

Which brings me to another point. How can you accurately mark the number of calories in a donut when the act of marking them adds to the total calories? I call this problem ...

The Decorated Donut Calorie Conundrum

It seems like the only way to do it involves trial and error. But the process could be made easier by writing numbers with only short straight lines like you'd see on a digital clock. If we imagine hypothetically that a short length of icing is 1 calorie, then you'd know how many calories each digit will add. For example, "1" = 2 calories, "2" = 5 calories, "3" = 5 calories as well, and so on.

If a donut was 300 calories, you couldn't just write "300" on it, because you would have added 17 calories in the process. But you couldn't write "317" instead because that number gives the donut a total calorie count of 310.

So, like I said the best method is trial and error. I discovered that a 300 calorie donut could be marked as "312" and also have exactly 312 calories.

Perhaps if more research went into this problem a mathematical formula could be created to discover which icing numerals would pair best with specific base calorie amounts and still match up. Perhaps the formula could have real world applications that benefit mankind.

Then again, it's only donuts.

A Whole Half Decade

2012-01-03T02:35:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, and salutations to you all. With the dawn of 2012 comes another important date: the five year anniversary of the very blog you're reading. Hoorah!

There have been ups and downs, redesigns, malfunctions, and plenty of creative outlets and projects (not all of which succeeded). But I've stuck with this little blog since 2007 and that takes some amount of commitment. To put it into perspective, Turnipism has lasted longer than the equivalent of twenty-five Kardashian marriages. Let that information sink in.

To celebrate this occasion I thought I would look back and pick out some various highlights of things I've written, drawn, or folded over the years. Yes, it's a shameless self promotion, but hopefully I can encourage newcomers to explore the backlog of material, or for dedicated readers to relive the memories. Join me, won't you?

2007

- My very first Mitch and Roland comic. Little did I know that they would eventually become mascots for the site. Behold the crudeness of that first drawing!

- Love hearing someone gripe? I made observations about life in Korea and ranted on topics such as public washrooms, the abuse of pizza, and China's heavenly foods.

- I'm proud of myself for writing the line "I'd still ride down a mountain of nuns on a toboggan made of children just for a chance to see it again." It was for my awesome movie trailer.

2008

- 2008 was an important year because it's when I started the sister blog, Five-O-Rama, to compile all sorts of random bits of information into easily digestible groups of five. Some good friends got involved and now it's a group effort to educate the masses about anything from favorite movies to unhealthiest fast food; from most spectacular mustaches to most famous sandworms. It's got something for everyone and I highly recommend checking it out.

- I also found time to rant about a number of topics like knock-off DVD's, Daylight Savings Time, and illogical lawsuits.

2009

- Do you know the dangers of Ice Fog? No? Well, how about the dangers of time machines? Or the dangers of excessive skin care? Well, listen up. I'm here to educate as well as entertain.

- I shared some videos of other hobbies of mine, like origami and paper cup stacking. Be in awe of my misuse of free time.

- To compete with the excessively large girl and boy groups that make up the K-Pop music industry, I made plans to form a ultra mega super group called the Diva Dozen.

2010

- As we delved deeper into my origami obsession I challenged myself to fold the smallest paper crane possible. How small did I manage? You'll have to click another link to find out.

- In March I had some fun writing parodies to songs by Katy Perry, Billy Joel, and Ke$ha. They are best enjoyed by singing along at your maximum achievable volume.

- In case you think everything was hunky-dory that year, I still had plenty of things to bitch about like filthy coins, smokers, and a refrigerator from hell. Spoiler alert!: They all suck.

2011

- In June I decided to become a vegetarian for the month as a way of challenging/ abusing myself. It was ... interesting.

- Between watching movies and making games about them, I also started writing poems about them. More of those are on the horizon, by the way.

- I know it was only a few months ago, but if you love Halloween and werewolves then please take a gander at this comic I drew frantically over a few days.

Anyway, Happy New Year, everybody! Here's to another 12 months or so before the world is obliterated by some catastrophe the Mayans foretold. I haven't done the research myself, but I hope it's zombies.

Holiday Checklist

2011-12-18T10:56:00.000-05:00

Where have I been, you ask? Oh ... you know, around. I've been staying indoors to avoid the cold and/or pesky human interaction. Yep, these days I've been doing little to no blog posting, infrequent Facebook status updates, and accepting the occasional grocery delivery via message tube so I don't have to look the delivery man in the eyes. I've kept myself occupied with work and fallen off the grid, as is my holiday tradition.Yes, sir, I'm just like a secret agent or loner or something.

I do hope the month has been going well for all of you (except for Glen - he knows what he did). Have you finished your Christmas shopping? Have you even started? Have you called your relatives and made up excuses about why their Christmas cards probably got delayed in the mail, as you stare at a stack of blank holiday cards sitting next to the phone?

Have you placed that order for the turducken, the aged cranberry cheese log, and the shrimp fountain? Have you taken your children to see Santa at the mall, and then wandered off to take pictures of strangers with iPhones at the Apple store? Have you finally convinced that special someone to jingle your bells, deck your halls, mistle your toe, and roast your chestnuts on an open innuendo?

Have you purchased a tree that's been chopped down in it's prime just so you can dress it up like a whore in your living room and discard it in a couple weeks, you monster? Have you purchased a fake tree instead; one made of non-biodegradable plastics and chemicals that will pollute the earth forever after you discard it in a couple years, you monster?

Have you hidden away that important gift in a place she or he would never think to look? Have you made a map so you'll remember where you hid the gift and how to find it? Have you hidden that map as well, and made an additional map to lead you to the original map? Have you locked away the second map and made a third map to find the key to the second map's safe? Have you eaten the third map? Have you rented the x-ray machine?

You have? Well, it looks like someone's ready for Christmas.

Hungry and I Know It

2011-11-27T01:04:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I've done a song parody, so here we go with my take on LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It". If you don't know, LMFAO is the spiritual successor to the rocking party-obsessed throne once held by Andrew W.K. Here's the music video for your following along pleasure, since it wouldn't let me embed the video directly (Lame!). Here we go.

When I walk on by, I got handfuls of ham and pie.
Ice cream in my face, and pockets full of sandwiches just in case, yeah
This is how I roll, handmade sweat pants out of control
I just got banned from a grocery store
But like Oliver Twist, yes I want some more, yo!

Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Girl look at this body, Just look at this body, My joints are shoddy,

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

When I walk in the room, this is what I see
Everybody stops 'cause they feel my gravity
I got a yearning deep inside and I ain't afraid to show it (show it, show it, show it)

I'm hungry and I know it
I'm hungry and I know it

When I'm at the mall, you'll find me eating burgers at Mr. Big and Tall
When I'm at the beach, I'm grabbing all the seafood that's in my reach.
Yes, I love fried dough, come on ladies it's time to go
We'll make a few stops, each one is a buffet.
No restraining order's gonna get in my way (Watch!)

Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Girl look at this body, Just look at this body, Someone's been naughty

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

When I walk in KFC, the owner starts to cry

He can hear my stomach rumbling, there's no reason to deny

I got a mission on my mind and I don't intent to blow it (blow it, blow it, blow it)

I'm hungry and I know it
I'm hungry and I know it
I'm hungry and I know it

Check it out
Check it out
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah!
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah!
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah!
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah, yeah!
Got room for jello, man.
Got room for jello, man
Yeah I'm hungry and I know it

Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Girl look at this body, Just look at this body, I think I want biscotti,

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Yeah I'm hungry and I know it!

Cine-Verse! Teeth (2007)

2011-11-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

Guard your fingers and your groin,
And beware of biting teeth.
One set can be found above and another found beneath.

A small town girl with morals
Who is anything but mean.
And down below in hiding is a penile guillotine.

There's a bear trap in her bloomers,
And each dry hump is a risk,
It's her chamber of secrets with a snapping basilisk.

Every guy around her,
Tries to get her in the sack.
When they get to third base there may be no coming back.

The burden of her love life,
As a victim of mutation,
Means that every lusty meeting leads to painful separation.

While mutilated manhood
Is not pleasant to observe,
Each man that she encountered got just what he had deserved.

Blank Blank

2011-11-14T22:47:00.001-05:00

And now for a short fake excerpt from the nonexistent novel The Armadillo Diaries by yours truly.

"How could you?!" she cried, even louder than before. With both hands pressed against the glass Linda began to scream hysterically:

"I hate you! You're nothing but a fathead, lamebrain, dorkwad, gasbag, blockhead, halfwit, dipshit, numb nut, ass wipe, jerk off, dickhead, dingbat, nut job, dumbass, shithead, sleazeball, scumbag, low life, douche-bag, bullshit, asshole, fuckface!!"

It was then that the manager approached the lobster tank and asked Linda to leave the restaurant.

Mitch & Roland: #64 Rumor

2011-11-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

Stupid Moon

2011-10-31T02:58:00.000-04:00

Hello, fellow pumpkin fans, and Happy Halloween to you! Today I'm presenting a special Halloween/Horror themed comic that I've drawn to celebrate this holiday I love. The idea came to me a week ago and I've spent the last 5 days frantically writing and sketching to meet the end of month deadline. I used A4 printer paper and a BIC ballpoint pen as my medium, because I'm a never measure/cut once kind of guy.

It turned out to be maybe the biggest single project I've done for this blog, and I'm pleased with the results. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Affordable Scares

2011-10-29T02:14:00.000-04:00

Here are some things I found at the local dollar emporium for Halloween fun on the cheap. Join me, won't you, for this shopping adventure.

Why would you need two clown noses in one package? Well, you'll naturally have the first one punched off your face, so it's best to have a spare handy.

This bag seems to contain only a hollow black plastic sphere. How that makes it a weapon, I don't know. I'm assuming some Chinese manufacturer had a bunch of extra plastic balls from their toy bowling sets and decided to just slap a Halloween label on them. Let the kids figure out what weapon it is. That's what imaginations are for.

Nothing says scary like purple glitter. Just think of how easily you'll fool your friends when they think you've grown your nails several inches and bedazzled them. Plus, if you don't want to go as the usual glam witch like all the other kids, you can always use them to transform into a gay werewolf.

Are you tired off all those other time consuming Hobo costume kits? I sure am. Time to move up to the INSTANT HOBO package. I'm assuming this bag is just filled with some dirt and cigarette butts for you to rub all over your clothes, face, and hair.

Also, just look at that vivid artwork. I can't tell if this hobo is smoking a carrot, or eating a metal-tipped turd.

Mitch & Roland: #63 Music

2011-10-26T09:00:00.000-04:00

Cine-Verse! Attack the Block (2011)

2011-10-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

When aliens appear from above,

Invade your turf, so push comes to shove.

Barricade the door,

And start rooting for

This teen gang you'll hate and then love.

It's like Super 8 with more blood and guts,
With hairy black beasts that look nuts.
There's humor, suspense,
and action intense
It's a must see - no ifs, ands, or buts.

Mapsession

2011-10-04T23:32:00.001-04:00

A couple weeks back I watched a video online about a man who has been drawing an ever-growing map of an imaginary world for several decades. I was impressed by the commitment and creativity involved in maintaining this hobby. Days later while I was doodling I thought, why don't I try? So I got some paper, started drawing roads, and began forming my city.

I have to say creating a city that doesn't exist is pretty fun. As I continued to draw I found that my roads took on the grid-like quality of New York in some places, and the intersection nightmare of Paris in others. I began to imagine that the Parisian roads were part of an older more historical section of the city, while the grid was a modern, more developed area.

As I added additional sections to the map I added a river, parks, historical buildings, subway stations, and anything I thought it needed. I began naming districts and roads, and finally added some color. Here are the four segments I drew put together. Click for a larger view.

I'm pleased with how it turned out and I look at this as a practice run for another map. I don't plan to go out of control and keep drawing it for 40 years, but I sense where that man's obsession came from. Once you start, there is a strange interest in finding out what exists outside the borders of the world drawn so far. I've already started a new city map, which is similar in design to this one, and I'll post the results here if I think it's turning out well. That is all.

Cine-Verse! Modern Times (1936)

2011-09-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

It's black and it's white, between silence and sound,
And a time when machines keep the working man down.
A tramp in a factory works hard at his job,
Then finds himself pummeled by corn on the cob
At the hands of some terrible feeding-machine.
So he goes a bit wacky and causes a scene.

Then he's thrown in the slammer for going insane,
And foils a jailbreak while high on cocaine.
Every time he gets out he wants back in the clink,
It's a cushier lifestyle, is what he must think.

So the tramp meets a girl just as homeless as he,
And they dream of a house, which fills them with glee.
To find one another is a gift from above:
An example of true hobo-sexual love.

The movie has a message that's simple and true:
Work hard for your love and love what you do.
Yes, there will be hard times every once in a while,
But buck up, don't give up, and wear a big smile.

The Refreshment Revolution

2011-09-20T01:59:00.000-04:00

It's when I find things like this that I'm happy I investigate Asian grocery stores. This gem was hidden among the beverage cans.

Are you tired of trying to drink your peanuts without any milk? Do you find yourself longing for a refreshing can of soup with a smooth drinking taste? Then fret no longer! Introducing Milk Peanut with Soup! Is it a snack? Is it a drink? Is it a meal? Who knows!

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, but I've had plenty of milk peanut drinks in the past, what makes this peanut milk so special?"

Soup, bitch! Now you have the creamy goodness of milk, the satisfying crunch of peanuts, and the heartiness of a bowl of soup ... all in one! And it has all the four food groups in one convenient travel-ready can. Milk is your dairy, soups usually have grains and vegetables and stuff, and peanuts are the meat of the nut world.

It's the taste that's perfect for any situation. Been working out all day and need to replenish you electrolytes? Then reach for a frothy Milk Peanut with Soup. Having a party and the beer has run dry? Then tap a piping hot keg of Milk Peanut with Soup. Forgot your child's birthday? One force fed glass of Milk Peanut with Soup and all is forgiven.

It's great on toast, on your cereal, with crackers, and almost anywhere else. It's a universal drink that is tearing down the walls of beverage oppression. And it comes in a number of exciting varieties: Crunchy, Smooth, 1%, 2%, Homogenized, and Cream of Peanut.

Sure science and common sense will tell you that these flavors have no earthly business being together, but what does science really know about thirst? Who's to say that an ice cold soup with random peanuts isn't delicious? Or a choking hazard? I say drink now, ask questions later.

Milk Peanut with Soup ... It's the meal that eats like a drink.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round X

2011-09-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

Today's game is "Sketch Theatre". If you've forgotten how to play this one: each picture is a literal depiction of the movie's title, or what the title sounds like.

If you're still stumped, click below...

- The Lost Boys

- The Wizard of Oz

- Five Easy Pieces

- The Lion King

Cine-Verse! Paul (2011)

2011-09-16T16:50:00.000-04:00

Two geeks take a road trip - spaceships on their mind -
And have a close encounter of the Seth Rogan kind.
Paul makes dick jokes and references on the fly.
He's a bird-eating, bald ALF that likes to get high.

Also he's a sarcastic, wisecracking tool
In a movie that's trying too hard to be cool.
I wanted to like Paul but sadly instead,
I'd rather watch Hot Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead.

Cine-Verse! Hanna (2011) & Your Highness (2011)

2011-09-09T09:00:00.000-04:00

I've settled on doing the Cine-Verse thing every Friday, so feel free to stop by each week for a random rhyming review. I'll be sticking mostly to one poem at a time, while throwing in the odd Limerick Double Feature ... which is what is happening right now! Enjoy.

There once was a pale girl named Hanna,
Who was trained by her dad, Eric Bana.
In fur-based fashion,
She's a teenage assassin,
Deadly blonde like a poison banana.

If you've written a comedy turd,
To appeal to the stoners and nerds:
When shit out of luck,
Just fall back on "fuck",
Who needs wit when you've got a swear word?

No Time For Them Fancy Chapter Plays On That There Picture Box

2011-09-07T19:59:00.000-04:00

I think that I've done well in not watching a single episode of countless popular TV series. You name a show that everyone was talking about in the last 15 years or so, and I've avoided it entirely. The problem, however, is the feeling of being left out.

The thing that aggravates me is when people tell me I "really need to watch" a particular show. I'm not mad that they're recommending something they like to me, I'm mad because they think I have that kind of time to invest. Honestly, there's a huge disparity in the time commitment involved in watching a TV series versus a movie. Watch a film for 2 hours and it's done; life moves on. Watch 2 episodes of some popular show and you're in the middle of story arc that may or may not have an ending 40+ hours down the line.

"You should really watch BLANK. The second season is a little boring, but if you stick it out the third and fourth seasons really pay off. It's amazing!"

Nobody ever recommends a show to me when it's only a few episodes in. You know why? Because nobody knows that the show is incredible yet. I'm always finding out once I'm 50 episodes behind. There's no catching up on that. Not when everyone's talking about a season finale that I'm weeks or months away from seeing.

And how am I supposed to actually go about watching it? I don't have the channels they play on, so I can't just tune in. Am I supposed to upgrade my cable package? Am I supposed to rent or buy or borrow or download a season every weekend until I'm caught up? Again, the time and money involved is potentially huge.

I do want to watch some shows. I'd like to join in on a conversation about Breaking Bad, or Mad Men, or The Walking Dead, or any number of shows friends and family rave about. Sadly these days my free hours slip by before I know what to do with them, and I don't have time for your TV shows. Not even just the first season to see if I like it. Not even on DVD without the commercials.

Sorry. I'm just lame like that.

Hunched Over a Scanner

2011-09-05T16:40:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post to let you know that all the Mitch and Roland comic strips have been restored to their former glory. After the account transition fiasco that obliterated all the images on this blog I've been slowly piecing it all back together. I spend a good chuck of the long weekend scanning, re-sizing, tweaking, and uploading all 60+ comics.

So, check them out if you'd like to relive the memories. More are on the way. Promise.

Cine-Verse! Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

2011-09-02T09:30:00.000-04:00

If a demon's around,

And it's after your babies

And you dog's freaking out,

And you know it ain't rabies.

It's time to get cameras,

To thwart break and enters.

And check yellow pages

For "Haunted Pool Centers".

"Did you guys see that thing?

Well, it just moved a bit.

Or maybe it didn't.

Boy, that's scary as shit."

When you have pots and pans,

Who needs blood and gore?

All you need's fishing line,

And a slow moving door.

Mitch & Roland: #62 Tape

2011-09-01T20:15:00.004-04:00

Oh, Mitch and Roland, it's been far too long. Why must you always become lost in the void known as "procrastination"?

Cine-Verse! Rango (2011)

2011-08-26T09:30:00.001-04:00

The story of a tiny lost lizard named Rango,

With a sly crooked grin and skin like dried mango.

He wanders into town as a reptilian Django,

And spins a fierce tale like a passionate tango.

The citizens here, well, what can you say?

They're ugly as sin, yet I can't look away.

The water's dried up but they feel they must stay.

So it looks like ol' Rango's gonna have to save the day.

I didn't expect that this film had "the spark".

The humour is strange. The world vivid and dark.

There's mystery, action, and a great story arc.

If you like a good western, this one hits the mark.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round IX

2011-08-22T09:30:00.003-04:00

Today's movie challenge is called "Boring Movies". I didn't come up with this one myself, but instead heard it from a friend who had heard it from a friend, so the origins are unknown.

The idea is to describe a movie in a single brief line to make it sound as dull as possible. For example, the description "Girl goes for walk with her dog" could be for The Wizard of Oz. It's fun trying to make the most exciting of movies sound boring as hell. See if you can solve the ones below, and feel free to post your own in the comments.

1) Teenager borrows old man's car.

2) Man delivers package late.

3) Boy spills water on Christmas gift.

4) Homeless artist wins card game.

5) Janitor does some math.

6) Man waits for bus.

7) An animal park doesn't open.

8) Boy skips class to read book.

9) People stand on the roof for a while.

10) Kids walk across yard.

Stumped? Check below.

1) Back to the Future
2) Castaway
3) Gremlins
4) Titanic
5) Good Will Hunting
6) Forrest Gump
7) Jurassic Park
8) The Neverending Story
9) Tremors
10) Honey, I Shrunk the Kid

Cine-Verse! The Towering Inferno (1974)

2011-08-20T09:30:00.004-04:00

A building stands tall, reaching out towards space,

With a party on top to laugh in God's face.

Made of glass, and of steel, and lots of cheap wire,

This tower was perfect for catching on fire.

The guest have their shindig and none of them know

That danger is spreading 50 stories below.

McQueen tries to tell them they should all run away

But they'd rather keep hanging with Faye Dunaway.

So they continue their party without so much panic,

Blind to the fact that it's a towering Titanic.

This movie has taught me these things about towers:

They're capable of burning for hours and hours.

Elevators are death traps and we should all fear them,

And stairwells explode whenever you're near them.

Wet towels won't protect you when worn like a hat.

But O.J. Simpson will save you (if you are a small cat).

Rogue Hares

2011-08-19T02:03:00.003-04:00

See what I did there?

This is probably a stupid comment, but I've noticed a surprising amount of rabbits this summer. I've seen at least a dozen in the last month, which strikes me as odd since I live downtown and the only animals I'm used to seeing are squirrels, pigeons, and hobos.

When I think of rabbits I think of the woods and grassy fields. I don't think of the city. So I'm surprised to see rabbits hopping along the sidewalks, or chilling in front of Starbucks. Are rabbits the new rat? Because that would be awesome.

I never noticed any rabbits last summer, so I can only assume that this is part of some city-wide initiative in Ottawa to make things more adorable. Did they feed Viagra to a bunch of bunnies and let them loose on Parliament Hill? I'm sure I would have seen something in the paper about that.

Or maybe this is the start of an unstoppable outbreak of rabbits that is quickly getting out of control. Soon they'll be overwhelming the streets, knocking over garbage cans, eating all the flowers, and trampling people to death in the cutest stampede you've ever seen.

In any case I support this development. The only thing I recommend is that we dress them up in waistcoats with pocket watches.

Rogue Hairs

2011-08-08T00:22:00.004-04:00

Some people are able to beard (yes, beard is a verb) their way through life successfully, and others need to fight nature and shave themselves constantly until death. I'm part of the second group.

I hate shaving. Not just because it's a tedious chore to maintain my pudgy baby-like visage, but because it usually leaves me bleeding out the face. I've used the 2 blade disposables, the Mach 3's, and the overkill Quattro's. They all achieve equal results with an equal number of accidents.

Years ago I bought an electric razor thinking that it would solve all my problems. I'd watched my father use one, my grandfather use one, so why not me? An easy shaving experience without the bloodbath? Sign me up! Think of all the money I'll save when I don't have to buy shaving foam and replacement blades. Sadly, the razor sucked ass. I used it for a few months before giving up and letting it collect dust in a cabinet.

I received another electric razor as a gift years down the road and decided to give it another go. I figured my facial hair was thicker and more developed for the harsh realities of electric shaving. I was wrong. I was left with the same irritating struggle and soon gave up.

Which brings me to last year. As if some strange amnesia fell upon me, I decided to get ANOTHER electric razor. This time I dropped a fair chunk of change thinking that it would lead to a higher quality product and higher quality results. Well, after using it for many months I've come to the clear conclusion:

Electric razors are bullshit. They are complete garbage and it's always the same goddamn story! I can't completely shave my face. It's like some hairs are invulnerable to it. I can stand there rubbing my face raw for 30 minutes and still have stray untouched hairs sticking out and mocking me. I try everything; approaching from different angles, using different levels of pressure, circular motions, side to side, swiping, stabbing. It's all useless. Sure, I'm not cutting myself, but now it feels like I've been shaving with a dildo made of sandpaper.

And when I do finally finish "shaving" (not because I'm satisfied, but because I've been defeated) I'm left with the farthest thing from a close shave. A 40 cent disposable razor will give me a nice clean shave that'll last, but when I use an electric razor my five o'clock shadow is hours early. It's so much bullshit I'd throw up if wasn't already in agony.

So that's my rant. Electric razor's suck, I hope you never buy one. You're better off shaving with an arrowhead, broken glass, or one of those wind-up chattery teeth toys.

How To Birthday

2011-07-21T00:20:00.002-04:00

Today marks the epic global holiday known as my birthday. 28 years ago today the Awesomeness Index read off the charts as I was birthed. Some say that a high frequency electromagnetic concussive blast occurred at the moment I entered this world and that everyone in the hospital suffered injuries from the "shock wave of wicked". The doctor himself was blinded from staring too long into the epicenter of the event. He regrets nothing.

If you wish to celebrate the day in true Shane-like fashion, please follow this traditional 3 step plan:

Step One: Be so awesome it fucking hurts.

Step Two: Shotgun a beer. Then shotgun a birthday cake.

Step Three: Pluck a star from the night sky and feed it to a panther. Then fight the panther to get it back.

Have fun!

Cine-Verse! Love and Other Witch Bureaus

2011-07-16T23:30:00.022-04:00

As I try to settle on the most enjoyable way to review films for my blog I've decided on a more creative method: Poetry!

Settle down, settle down! So the basics are the same because I'm still writing about a handful of movies I watched recently for the first time. But this time it's gonna rhyme, dog. Enjoy.

Super 8 (2011)

This is skillful filmmaking; nostalgic and new,

Filled with monsters and mayhem, and mystery too.

The thing that impressed me, 'cause the order was tall,

Was the group of kid actors who don't suck at all

Harry Brown (2009)

An old quiet man loses all he holds dear,

And decides that he's through with living in fear.

The gangs on the street will pay for his pain,

For tonight vengeance goes by the name Michael Caine.

Season of the Witch (2011)

A crusade/buddy film about transporting a witch,

But this witch is a demon, now ain't that a bitch?

Bad lines, lousy fights, two actors who don't care,

And a plot that's thinner than Nic Cage's hair.

Midnight in Paris (2011)

An engaged man in Paris finds his life less sublime,

Goes walking at midnight and travels through time.

He finds the nights brighter, and filled with such folly

With Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Picasso, and Dali.

The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

A ballerina falls for a politician who can be trusted

But it seems that the MAN wants their future adjusted.

Magic doors, magic hats, and men without guns.

Look out, Matt Damon! Grab the fedora and run!

No Strings Attached (2011)

The girl from Black Swan, and the guy who says "dude".

A whole lotta bonin', and not that much nude.

A relationship forms and their lives feel complete

More so than just humping like rabbits in heat.

Love and Other Drugs (2010)

Sex without commitment that leads to true love.

It's the same damn story as the movie above.

It's like No Strings Attached with a bonus of tits,

Or some early version of Friends With Benefits.

Lobster Legs and the Fun Police

2011-07-03T13:05:00.003-04:00

When I was out in the hot sun for several hours on Canada Day, I made a crucial mistake. I put sunscreen on my neck, my face, and my arms, ... but not my legs. Why should I bother? I figured my legs are all the way down there, how could the sun's harmful rays possibly reach them? It wasn't until I got home that I realized my legs had been boiled alive.

It's not so bad. I can still do stuff as long as it doesn't involve bending or moving my legs. If anyone needs me this week, I'll be over there, standing in a barrel of aloe.

Here's a picture I done took while I was out slow roasting my calves:

This sign amuses me. Not because it was trying to keep amateur circus acts off a very busy sidewalk, but because the sign shows a slash through a juggling figure, as if it were prohibiting fun itself. I kept hoping I would see some busker nearby being pinned to the ground and handcuffed by two cops, his violin crushed beneath him.

This Canada Day merriment was kept in line. Remember, if you're going to have a good time in Ottawa make sure it's by the books.

The Green Challenge: Third Update

2011-06-30T12:15:00.001-04:00

Progress: 696 hours without meat

Status: Full, but not fulfilled.

Well, the month is just about done and the finish line is in sight to a race nobody asked me to run. Will I be a winner? It's hard to say.

There are two things I want to address in this update. The first is indigestion. I would say that I have a strong stomach, one that laughs in the face of abuse. I lived in Korea and ate a hearty diet of red pepper pastes and garlic for every meal, and I almost never suffer from indigestion or heartburn. However this month, especially in the last two weeks I've been experiencing heartburn on a daily basis.

This is an unexpected development. Does it have any connection to this vegetarian challenge? Is it mere coincidence that it started the day after I realized whiskey and mozzarella sticks have no meat in them? I'm not sure. All I know is that my stomach is upset about something and it's going to get my attention or burn down the factory trying.

The other thing I wanted to mention is the dissatisfaction I feel at times with the food I'm eating. Look, some days I forget that that I've cut anything from my diet and I live my life happily, and other days I have to resist the urge to punch my way through a chip wagon like a T-1000 just to get at the cheeseburgers. I've tried a number of meat substitutes in different meals like veggie patties in a burger, vegan sausage in pasta, tofu in a stir-fry, etc. In each case I found the food to be delicious, yet I wasn't satisfied. It must all be in my head, but I feel like something is missing, like I'm eating a knock-off version of a name brand meal.

July is nearly here, and I'm looking forward to easing myself back onto the bacon train. I'll try not to go crazy all at once. The last thing I need to go into a meat-eating frenzy on Canada Day and wind up on the news because I flipped a hotdog cart and ate bratwurst off the ground like an animal. Until then, I'm going to see if Pepto-Bismol makes a decent salad dressing.

Fractal Dragons and Hidden Pixels

2011-06-29T12:05:00.002-04:00

If you have graph paper on hand why not draw some fractals? All the cool kids are doing it. I've been toying around with drawing and designing fractals because it's a good way to pass the time, and to look like a huge nerdy nerd. I figured I would practice with a famous one, known as the Dragon Curve:

If you want to draw your own Dragon Curve (I bet you're fucking stoked), all you need to do is draw a straight line, then copy the line again at a 90 degree angle so it connects at the end of the previous line. Then copy those two lines again turned 90 degrees. Then copy those 4 lines turned another 90 degrees, and so on and so on until you go mad or lose your patience.

I like the strange spiraling pattern that emerges after copying and rotating a few times. But it's easy to lose track of what you're doing as the pattern becomes twice as complicated each time. The picture above took me four attempts (and I still had to scratch out a small mistake).

Here's a fractal that I made up:

Now I don't know if this fractal is completely original or if it was actually discovered in the 30's by some Austrian mathematician. I just started in the middle with a cross and began branching out equally in all directions and following a few basic rules I laid out for myself.

As I was drawing it I noticed emerging shapes that reminded me of video games. Can you spot the Mario mushroom, Zelda rupees and fairies, metroids, or Pac-Man? I like the way it turned out, though I would have kept going if I hadn't run out of paper.

Stupid paper, why must you have limits while my imagination hath none?

Space Creature Sketches

2011-06-25T19:51:00.003-04:00

Thought I would share some sketches I did recently while at work. But Shane, you say, work is where you're supposed to work. I'll be the judge of that.

The collective theme in mind while I was drawing them is alien humanoid creatures. I imagine them to be part of crew on an intergalactic spaceship. Or visions from a drug-induced trance.

The Green Challenge: Second Update

2011-06-18T18:39:00.004-04:00

Progress: 432 hours without meat.

Status: Tofurious?

Well, I've already made it more than halfway through this month and I think things are going well. I had a few moments of desperate hunger where I came close to buying a hamburger, but I've stayed strong.

I've found myself being more irritable and easily angered this month. It's like I'm losing my patience and becoming pissed off with almost any slight inconvenience. I don't know if it has any connection to this challenge, but look at all the aggressive vegetarians throughout history: Leonardo Da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Gandhi, Paul McCartney, Ellen DeGeneres, the list goes on!

The other night I had a dream where a giant slab of tofu was rampaging through the streets destroying everything in its path. Buildings were torn asunder and the air was filled with the screams of thousands as beams of fire erupted from its lifeless eyes.

I'm just joking of course. I haven't slept in two weeks.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VIII

2011-06-13T12:23:00.002-04:00

Today I present a simple game I call "Vowel Movement". It's quite simple. I've taken all the vowels out of some movie titles and moved all the words together in one clump. For example, "Pulp Fiction" would be shown as "PLPFCTN". Can you figure you what they all are? All the titles have two words or more.

Good luck. And if you feel you can stump me, post a challenge in the comments.

1) DLMFRMRDR

2) CNSLVN

3) CHLRDNFMN

4) THSLND

5) LDSCHL

6) NMYTTHGTS

7) SPHSCHC

8) THLPHNTMN

9) NTHHTFTHNGHT

10) THJNGLBK

11) GNWTHTHWND

12) DCKSP

13) NMLHS

14) RDSNJ

15) CG

For those of you desperate for answers, click below.

1) Dial M for Murder
2) Ocean's Eleven
3) Children of Men
4) The Island
5) Old School
6) Enemy at the Gates
7) Sophie's Choice
8) The Elephant Man
9) In the Heat of the Night
10) The Jungle Book
11) Gone With The Wind
12) Duck Soup
13) Animal House
14) Red Sonja
15) Ice Age

Cinema-plosion! The Crazies of Madison County

2011-06-11T18:23:00.011-04:00

And now for another round of "The Ten Most Recent Films I've watched". I know you've been craving some awkwardly short reviews.

Burn After Reading (2008)

It's hard to sum up this movie in a few short sentences, so I'll just say that the movie is about a web of idiots, liars, and maniacs. It's also very entertaining. I was laughing out loud on several occasions for the way it mixed humour and shocks.

Also, if you enjoy watching John Malkovich reaching 'Malkovich' levels of anger, you can't go wrong here. I thought at several points his head would explode.

The Crazies (2010)

I haven't seen the original, but I'm certain this version ups the ante with over the top violence, gore, and entertainment. I had a blast watching this, and I give it extra points for having the best " scary automated car wash" scene ever.

Session 9 (2001)

I watched this film on the recommendation that it was one of the scariest films in the last decade, and I was sorely disappointed. You would think a film about a cleaning crew working on an abandoned mental hospital at night would be overflowing with terrors, but the only frightening thing was David Caruso's "acting".

I say pass on this one. If you like movies with asylum-scares, go watch House on Haunted Hill.

Green Hornet (2011)

I don't know how true this movie stays to the Green Hornet fiction, but I do know that it was aggravating to watch Seth Rogen as that character. Aside from a few well designed fight sequences, the movie is forgettable and downright bad.

The main problem was that I hated the hero. I got sick of him being a talent-less buffoon, while his genius sidekick did everything and saved his ass at every turn. It was like an episode of Inspector Gadget minus the fun and charm.

The Ruins (2008)

One day I decided to watch this movie with my brother on his computer, and half way through his computer imploded and died. Strangely, we didn't finish watching it until over a year later. Mostly we enjoyed a year of jokes about The Ruins, ruining his computer.

Anyway, it's a movie about killer plants in the jungle. If that sounds interesting to you, then go watch it on a device you wouldn't mind seeing destroyed.

The Room (2003)

I'd long heard tales of this cult film being perhaps the worst film ever made. And all the stories were true. It was so goddamned bad that it defies reason.

However, this is perfect "so bad it's good" material, so if you have a chance to watch it with wisecracking friends, then absolutely do it. You may rupture your spleen laughing.

The Bridges of Madison County (1995)

After resisting the deliciously heartbreaking romance of a photographer and a housewife for 16 years, I finally gave in. I liked the actors, the performances, and the story, but I can probably get by never watching it again. Maybe my mistake was watching it on TV where the commercials extended the experience into a roughly 9 hour affair.

If you like romantic dramas and crying softly into the night AND haven't seen this, what are you waiting for? This county isn't getting any bridge-ier.

Tron: Legacy (2010)

For me, this is the perfect followup to Tron. Just like the original it's visually innovative, mostly boring, and yet strangely appealing. It's weird. There are parts of the film that I thought were spectacular, and everything in between I have virtually no memory of, like I fell into deep coma for huge chunks of the movie.

So I liked it. But I don't need to see a new Tron movie every couple years from here on out. The Tron mythology cannot and should not sustain a franchise.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

I was warned by Potter fans that this movie is mostly boring and just a lot of Harry and company laying low in the forest of angst. It's true, but it was more entertaining than I expected. There were plenty of thrilling moments, and it's amazing to see how dark the movies have gotten since the cheery days of the Philosopher's Stone.

If you like the Harry Potter movies and missed this in the theatre, I would recommend renting it a day or two before Part 2 comes out. Ha, ha, just kidding. No one rents movies anymore.

Rio (2011)

A small town macaw heads to the big city and shortly after a rainbow explodes. Yep, visually the film is beautiful. It's festive, vibrant, ... prismatic? But will it go down in history as a great family film? I'm going to have to say, no.

Look, kids are going to love the colorful tropical birds, the spastic monkeys, and the gross dog, but everyone else is going to be only slightly amused.

The Green Challenge: First Update

2011-06-05T23:10:00.007-04:00

Progress : 120 hours without meat.

Status: Determined and lonely...

So I've just gotten through my first weekend without a hamburger, a hotdog, or even so much as a reserve chicken wing. I'm feeling pretty good so far, though not especially different from a week ago. That's fine. The magic of vegetarianism is bound to set in after a while.

I'm not certain if I will lose weight in June, but it would certainly be a pleasant bonus. I'm not going to substitute cupcakes in all my meals where meat would usually be, and I'm assuming there are health benefits to eating only plants and grains since I've yet to see an obese vegetarian.

The main downside I can see with the big "V" is the semi-isolating aspect of it. It only makes sense; eating is big part of social activity, and restrictions in a person's diet will limit options for participating in those activities. Dinner parties, BBQ's, picnics, potlucks, and nearly any get-together that involves food will weed out the herbivores (pun intended). Vegetarians can still be a part of these events, but they just can't fully participate without making special requests, avoiding foods, or double checking how - and with what - a dish was prepared.

There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that vegetarians are in the minority. Out of any random sampling of people, you'll likely find more who want to go out for pepperoni pizza, and less who want to try out a Soy Fusion restaurant that just opened. To quote a classic Simpson's episode: "You don't make friends with salad".

That's right, Mystical Bacon Apparition. I'm pretty sure vegetarians face some of the most incessant forms of peer pressure possible. "Just have a taco, man, the first one's on me. Trust me. Let's just go down to the deli and I'll show you a good time. No one has to know."

I was warned by friends before I started this "adventure" that the hardest part would be trying to find a place to eat out. Only 5 days in, and I totally agree. When I went out for eats with family one day, I had no idea where to go or what to have. It's like the sole purpose of opening a restaurant is to show off well cooked meat, and nothing exists outside that bubble.

Here's how most vegetarians are traditionally greeted when trying to order:

We finally decided on a Vietnamese restaurant, and that turned out to be a truly poor choice. There was not a single thing on the menu that didn't have meat or seafood. I ended up eating plain rice and waiting until I got home to prepare myself an actual meal.

On the upside I'm getting lots of cooking practice in, and I'm forced to think outside the box. Though, I can't wait to get back in the box, because I know the box is filled with rotisserie chicken.

30 Days of Salad

2011-05-31T00:18:00.004-04:00

In 24 hours I'm embarking on a journey of discovery and strange hunger. For the month of June I intend to become a vegetarian.

Why? Well, I know plenty of people who are vegetarians for moral and health reasons and I've been interested in trying for some time, so I set myself a challenge: Can I survive a month on nothing but tofu and my wits? I should be able to go one measly month without a hamburger ... right?

Well, I'm giving it a shot. I want to see if it impacts my health, my weight, and how I feel. Will it be surprisingly easy, or surprisingly difficult? Will I crack on the 15th of June and tackle someone eating a hot-dog on the street? Will I get frustrated making meatless meals and end up eating celery until I cry? June has all the answers.

The plan is to cut out beef, pork, poultry, and seafood. No animals of any kind. But I'm not going to go crazy and stop eating things like eggs, dairy, and honey. I have my limits, and I can't go without my candied cheese omelets.

I also plan to blog about my progress throughout the month to share my feelings (and drawings) on the experiment that may save the lives of dozens, if not hundreds of animals. So this is it. Tomorrow night I will drink my last bacon smoothie and go to bed, ready to face a month of steak-less antics.

God, please don't let "Ribfest" roll into town next week.

The Shawarma Conundrum

2011-05-14T00:32:00.006-04:00

One of the benefits of living in Ottawa is the access to the delicious Shawarma shops located everywhere. They are so plentiful that I can safely say that there are more Shawarma shops than all other shops combined.

What is a Shawarma? Well it's a sandwich wrap filled with spit-roasted meat and an assortment of vegetables and sauces. The word "shawarma" comes from the Turkish expression "stomach apocalypse". The reason for this is the excessively strong garlic content. The garlic sauce/paste/anger-spread is made from equal parts blended garlic and more blended garlic. The garlic is intense enough to leave your stomach burning a full 14 hours later, and also strong enough to destroy any memory of that agony so you end up buying another shawarma sandwich a few days later.

I've come to the realization that despite their deliciousness, there is really no ideal time to eat one. The morning is maybe the worst time. Nobody gets out bed craving a greasy fire brick in their gut. The afternoon is no good either. You're usually busy doing stuff, and the last thing you want when you return from lunch break is to belch garlic vapor all over your co-workers and customers. Around dinner is still not the right time because you've been awake long enough to know you don't want to eat shawarma for dinner.

Unfortunately most shawarma consumption happens in the evening and night after you've been mentally crippled with alcohol and the rich aromas of spinning chicken beckon you. Eating shawarma also induces an indigestion coma, but the last thing you should do is lie down. As soon as you recline, hot garlic chicken hits the roof of your mouth and catches fire. You soon black out and wake up hours later still full with heartburn.

All in all shawarma is a risk/reward situation. When you are hungry, it's just about the most delicious thing, but it also punishes you for the indulgence. Like having sex and then being punched in the face. It hurts, but not enough to stop you from coming back for more.

Willy, Kat, and the Sea of Hats

2011-04-30T23:10:00.003-04:00

Man, did you see that royal wedding thing on the television box? It was dang festive, it was. Sure it disappointed on some levels. There was no traditional fitting of the glass slipper, and not once did Queen Elizabeth whip her big hat into the crowd and wail on a guitar.

And where were the pyrotechnics? You're telling me they couldn't arrange some golden firework show, or even one exploding dove? For shame! I don't know much about these sorts of traditions, but where was all the spectacle of William and Kate entering Westminster Abbey on a bejeweled elephant while tuxedoed monkeys with sparklers do back flips?

Oh well. All in all it wasn't so bad. It's not very often you see something like this. I'd recommend it to anyone who enjoys watching 7 hour wedding ceremonies and hundreds of women wearing insane hats. Seriously, what was with the hats? Did these women all storm Lady Gaga's wardrobe?

I heard that you're going to the royal wedding?

Yes, I'm going to wear my meter-wide sun hat with the built in diorama.

Oh yeah, well I'm going to wear my scepter bonnet with a peacock glued to it.

Is that so, well I hear the Queen will be wearing her Omega hat with the plasma dome and lasers.

What a show off.

Cinema-plosion! Sucker-punched and Thirsty for More

2011-04-10T15:08:00.003-04:00

Figured I would increase the movie content on the site by sharing my thoughts on ten films I've seen recently. There's no connecting theme here, just that I've watched them for the first time recently. Let the reviews commence!

Sucker Punch (2011)

This is a movie that has everything and means nothing. Watching it was like being punched in the face with a fist made out of stupid. I was expecting something far better from the director of Watchmen, Dawn of the Dead, and 300, but alas, Zack Snyder should avoid writing his own material.

This would have probably been hugely entertaining to me when I was ten, but unfortunately I can see that it's a bunch of boring empty characters engaging in absurd disjointed action sequences that have no real meaning. This should have either been a video game, or it should have focussed on only one of it's ten themes.

House of the Devil (2009)

Lots of house, not enough devil. This movie is filmed in a way that makes it look and feel like it was pulled directly out of classic 80's horror and I really dug that. Not a lot happens for much of the movie but that just builds suspense (or boredom?).

Worth a rental if you like babysitters in creepy situations, and who doesn't? Spoiler alert, the house doesn't burn down like in the poster.

The Illusionist (2010)

While a French illusionist travels around trying to survive in a world that doesn't appreciate his dying trade he encounters a young girl who grows fond of him and tags along on his journey. The more I think about it, this movie is a lot like an animated version of Leon: The Professional, if you replaced being a hitman with being a magician.

It's a beautiful movie I'd highly recommend. And fear not, illiterates! Even though it's a foreign film there are no subtitles to read as the movie is practically devoid of any dialogue .

Buried (2010)

A guy gets buried alive in a coffin in Iraq and spends 90 minutes with a cellphone trying to escape. The movie never leaves his perspective for the entire thing but it's shot well enough to keep it interesting and tense throughout.

I liked it, but I wouldn't watch it again. I enjoy my stuck-in-a-coffin films ala Kill Bill Vol. 2, where you punch your way out immediately and get to more interesting things.

Thirst (2009)

A South Korean vampire movie from one of my favorite directors, it tells the story of a priest who becomes a vampire and the crazy bitch he falls in love with.

I'm not going to lie, this movie is long and slowly paced, but it's got some stellar moments of craziness and violence. I love the creepy characters, the twisted imagery, the sexy conflicts, the dark comedy, and everything in between. As far as vampire movies go, it's truly different, and after repeated viewings it's one of my favorites.

Insidious (2011)

I am disappoint. I really wanted to like this movie. I really wanted to be scared. But I don't, and I wasn't.

A lot of people seemed to really really like this movie, and even the people around me leaving the theater couldn't shut up about how scary and awesome it was. Is there something wrong with me? Have I become jaded?

Occasionally creepy? Yes. Good use of practical spooky effects. Yes. Scariest movie in years? Not even close.

Source Code (2011)

Groundhogs Day meets Unstoppable? Hurrah! Based on one of Phillip K. Dick's 74 million short stories, it's about a guy who has to solve a mystery about who planted a bomb on a train by reliving the same 8 minutes over and over.

It was interesting, fun, exciting, and while the ending left me with some moral questions, I was entertained throughout.

Catfish (2010)

A documentary that tells the possibly true story of a filmmaker discovering the truth behind a girl and her family that he met online. The trailers for this film would have you believe the ending of the film will be some graphic nightmare the likes of Texas Chainsaw, but it offensively misleading.

The ending is still horrifying in it's own way. Whether this is a real documentary or not makes no difference to me because it's presented in a way that's believable either way. A disturbing movie, and more evidence that we need to all lay off the facebook a bit.

Silver Bullet (1985)

This is a movie I would have loved as a kid and probably watched over and over. I have no idea how it slipped under my radar for decades.

If I could sum up the plot in one sentence it would be "Kid in wheelchair and Gary Busey vs. a werewolf". Actually it's not so much a wheelchair but a gas powered death-cycle that can outrace cars.

If any of that sounds interesting, give it a watch. It is so beautifully ridiculous and bad.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (2010)
This documentary was much more interesting that I had expected. It follows the ups and downs of Joan Rivers through a year of her life, and for people who only know her only as the woman who would talk to celebrities about what they're wearing on the red carpet, this film lets you know what a important figure she's been in the world of comedy.

She is a workaholic constantly producing material with an insane schedule that doesn't let up. The movie helps you appreciate both her larger than life personality, but also reveals her insecurities and a compulsion to be in the spotlight. Joan Rivers has had a hell of career and there is no stopping this woman.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VII

2011-04-04T00:04:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I posted one of these. Apologies.

So this one is pretty straightforward and I call it "Hollywood Signs". You must figure out the title of a movie through a series of simple images. Sometimes the color red will help to emphasize some part of the picture. There really not too much to explain. You'll figure it out.

Also, I'm working on some more "Sketch Theatre" movie challenges for some upcoming Mondays. Those have turned out to be my favorite.

Anyway, see if you can solve each row to discover the 4 movies.

1) GHOSTBUSTERS

2) TITANIC

3) MOULIN ROUGE

4) HAPPY GILMORE

Making Salad in a Fifth of a Second

2011-04-03T19:22:00.004-04:00

Tired of spending hours in the kitchen chopping, slicing, and dicing your life away? Fed up with those useless kitchen contraptions that take the fun out of cooking? Fear not, for the future of food preparation is here!

It's the Hop 'n' Chop!! Over 400 reinforced micro-steel blades mounted inside a cylindrical base that you sit on to chop food in a fraction of the time. And that's not all, with it's specially engineered handlebars and balanced seating it makes dicing and jumping safe for adults and children alike!

Each Hop 'n' Chop comes with a 12 x 12 foot Kevlar cutting mat to save your hardware floors from the razor sharp nightmare that makes preparing meals a breeze.

The secret of the Hop 'n' Chop's power is its design and the way it uses gravity and your weight to cut through the toughest of land mammals. And with hundreds at your disposal you'll never have to replace a dull blade again. The Hop 'n' Chop uses a unique air-powered blade ejection system to fire used blades a quarter mile into the earth. Presto! It's so easy that even Grandma will give it a try.

Take a look at this 30 pound frozen turkey. Place the Hop 'n' Chop over the bird and one jump later you've got perfect chunks for dinner. A second jump makes it idea for soup. The third jump will make refreshing turkey shakes.

From small jobs like chopping a few bags of onions, to large jobs like mincing the entire contents of your fridge, the Hop 'n' Chop does it all. It's time to get the whole family jumping for joy in the kitchen, and with the revolutionary Hop 'n' Chop a good easily chewable meal is just a hop, chop, and jump away!

Order now!

Adventures in Paper: Stairs, Mountains, and More

2011-03-14T00:01:00.008-04:00

This time around let's take a look at kirigami, which translates literally into "cut paper". There are many styles of kirigami, but my favorite, and the one I've spent the most time practicing is all about having the paper folded at 90 degree angles. It creates a three dimensional effect that I think is pretty cool. Here is the first design I learned.

So with just a few cuts of the paper and a few inverted folds you can create the illusion of depth and volume. The illusion only works at 90 degrees, however. It closes up like pop-up book, or it would flatten out if you opened it all the way. Here's another example.

Another thing I really like about kirigami is how much freedom you have. There are some basic structural limitations that I quickly learned, but the possibilities are still numerous. Even though it doesn't have the same clean look, I've been using graph paper to experiment because it's a shortcut around the boring tedium of measuring out every fold. All the designs below are my own that I worked out through trial and error.

This one was an early attempt to break from the shackles of symmetrical balance. Does it resemble a house? A printer? A fireplace? Who knows.

I call this one "Desolation of the Mind's Fortitude and Persistent Agony". If that doesn't make sense, you're not looking hard enough.

One of the most fun things to cut are stairs. As my Grandpa used to say, "Let's get all Escher up in this bitch."

Here's another that would be dangerous if it existed in life size. What can I say? Japanese paper art just isn't wheelchair accessible.

This is an early attempt at a mountain shape, but I think it ended up looking more like a cake.

Here's my favorite I've done so far. Every time I look at it I think about Death Mountain or Minas Tirith.

Here's another angle. Actually, I've found that using the graph paper gives everything a cool blocky pixelated look that I quite enjoy. It makes things look like an 8 bit game extending into 3D or like the game Minecraft.

Here's another attempt at making some sort of mountain terrain. It's got a bridge and everything! Unfortunately with more cuts and more complicated folds the paper becomes less stable and doesn't stand up well on it's own. This is the price of awesomeness.

Here it is in collapsed form. As you can see, kirigami is not only fun, it's folds up to easily fit under your bed. How practical!

That's all for now. I may do another kirigami post in the future, but I think next time I will introduce you to the versatile "Sonobe" and the madness of modular origami.

Perspective

2011-03-11T02:34:00.005-05:00

Hey, I've just had a few lousy days weather wise here in Ottawa. Everyday has been snow, rain or a combination. Going outside is an ordeal, and I came to my blog to bitch about it accordingly. I even drew up some cartoons to illustrate the point.

Funny, huh?

Well, as I was uploading the pictures and getting ready to write a few sarcastic paragraphs, the news came on TV announcing a massive earthquake has hit Japan and they cut to some astounding footage of tsunami water washing across the land and decimating towns.

All day I've been griping with friends and coworkers about this rainy weather. I came online to complain about my feet getting wet, then I was utterly humbled by this serious catastrophe. To put it lightly, I feel like a pathetic whiny bitch.

Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the big picture and how good things are in your life compared to the hardships people face.

I'm The Only Academy That Matters

2011-02-27T10:25:00.004-05:00

I hope you're all geared up for the biggest day of television of the year. The Oscars! Dust off your top hat, put on some pants, and get ready for 9 hours of televised trophy exchanges.

Look, I could sit here and mock the Oscars for being stupid, long, and pointless (I can't deny that it's all three), but I have to admit that I look forward to it each year. Movies are such an important part of my life that I can't help but watch and get excited when a movie I like wins, and get pissed off when a movie I like loses.

This is one of the few instances in which I can relate to a sports fan. I'm always baffled at how people can invest so much time and emotion into the outcome of a game played by people they have no real connection to or influence over. But then I find myself tense that a movie I had no part in making may or may not win a meaningless gold statue in a contest I couldn't vote for at an award show I will never attend.

Despite this, I will be watching tonight and I've made my guesses for each category. I usually end up making two lists; the ones I think will win, and the ones I want to win. I'm usually pretty good at guessing the ones that will win, but each year I'm left aghast at some of the Academy's selections (Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress for The Blind Side, Jesus Hand-basket Christ). Just for fun, here are my picks for the three biggest awards of the night.

Best Actor I think will go to Colin Firth for "The King's Speech", but I would like to see James Franco win for "127 Hours". Both great performances based on real people overcoming difficult circumstances, though I think a speech impediment is trumped by sawing off your own arm with the equivalent of a dull butter knife.

Best Actress will go to Natalie Portman for "Black Swan" and that's exactly what I would like to see. Though, for this category it's really bizarre that Hailee Steinfeld from "True Grit" didn't make the list and somehow got stuck on the Best Supporting Actress list. If you've seen "True Grit" (and you most definitely should), you know that Hailee Steinfeld owned that film and she was not part of the supporting cast; she was the goddamn main character. But what are you going to do? The Academy is kind of retarded.

I've seen 7 of the 10 nominees for Best Picture and I think it will go to "The Social Network", but I would much prefer "Black Swan" or "True Grit" to win. Not to say that I disliked "The Social Network", I just enjoyed some of the others a lot more.

Well those are my picks. Tonight we'll see if my team wins. And if not, I plan to be elbow-deep into a plate of nachos to ease the pain.

A Brief Lesson on Family Day

2011-02-21T14:51:00.005-05:00

Having grown up in Nova Scotia for much of my life, I had never heard of Family Day before moving to Ottawa, but apparently it is a public holiday observed by nearly 60% of Canadians. All I really care is that it means a paid day off for me, but still I became interested in the origin and traditions of this February holiday. Here now are the customs of Family Day as I've observed:

Traditionally, Canadians will start off their Family Day, much as their forefathers did hundreds of years ago, by sleeping in until whenever they want. It is customary for the children of the household to get up earlier than the parents and watch cartoons while eating a bowl of Froot Loops. This is done in memory of all the families in the past who could not afford Froot Loops.

If the family had been good that year, they would be rewarded by Tarandus, the mystical space caribou, with something worthwhile to watch on TV. But if the family had indeed been naughty, then Tarandus will force them to do laundry and other household chores, even though the weather outside isn't so bad.

Later in the day, the family will set out for their local shopping mall, just like the pilgrims did thousands of years ago. The eldest son will be given the honor of remembering where they parked, and each family member will shop individually and meet up later at an assigned location because the mall closes early out of respect for our ancestors on this holy day.

Because cooking is forbidden on Family Day, each Canadian household will order out. The custom is to eat either chicken from a bucket or pizza from a box much like the days of yore before proper dinnerware was discovered and boxes or buckets were the only available food containers. Each family member will pay tribute to the meal by trying to not argue with each other over pointless bullshit. Traditionally, the greasy napkins, chicken bones, and pizza crusts will be left forgotten near the kitchen sink so that mothers may yell at everyone the next morning.

After dinner, families will congregate around the sacred television or internet and remain immobile for several hours to pay respect to our founding fathers or Jesus or someone. Around nine o'clock Tarandus' spell will break so that children and adults alike will remember that they have to work or study tomorrow, and everyone will complain accordingly. And with that realization, Family Day will have come to an end once more.

May Tarandus bless you and your home, and have a Merry Family Day. Unless you live in British Columbia, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Newfoundland or any of the territories.

Adventures in Paper: Like Mathematic Snowflakes Part Two

2011-02-20T12:13:00.005-05:00

It's time to check out more paper tessellations in my second installment. I know you're excited but calm down. Let's start with one of my favorite patterns known as the clover-fold...

I don't really know why it's called the clover-fold, but I think it looks interesting, and it's challenging. At the end of my last "Adventures in Paper" post I mentioned that doubling the folds seemed to quadruple the results. Below is the same clover-fold using the same sized paper but simply making double the initial creases.

Here is another example of a design I showed last time with double the folds. It implements just a series of triangle twists.

Like many origami tessellations, it can only be fully appreciated with some back lighting. As you can see, it takes on a whole new pattern.

This one below may be my favorite I've done. I think it's a good example of how many shapes and shades can be produced with a single sheet of white paper. The pattern is a double pleat hexagonal tessellation and it uses a similar arrangement of triangle twists.

After a while of folding so many damn triangles, I figured I fold a whole bunch more, but try to fit them closer together.

Here it is again with some sunlight.

This last one is my own design. After folding dozens of tessellations I began experimenting with and combining the folds I'd learned. The end result kind of looks like a mutated flower, star, and snowflake... which is awesome.

Well, that's all for now. Next time I will be showing you the fantastic wonders of cutting and folding paper with the delicate art of Kirigami ... aka the deranged step-brother of Origami.

Ideas for the Romantically Challenged

2011-02-13T13:48:00.003-05:00

Can't figure out what to get your loved one this Valentines Day? Then you are not alone. Every year millions of idiots fail to give an appropriately romantic gift, and end up desperately buying chocolates from a gas station on the way home from work, or hastily shaving their pubic region into a heart, or what may be a dying Pac-man. Wakka - wakka, indeed.

Instead of giving tired gifts like roses, heart shaped things, or cards, why not write a poem for her? If you're not able to write a poem, just copy one out of a poetry collection. There's no way she knows every poem ever written, right? She would be a nerd or a freak if she did, and you don't deserve that. But be sure the poem has something to do with love, of course.

Or why not donate money to have a tree planted in her name, or some other worthwhile cause. Or if you're broke, just say that you did. Hell ... tell her that you had a star named after her. And if she asks which star, or where is the documented proof, be sure to have a puppy on hand for a distraction. Don't worry, most shelters give them away for free.

Why not go all out and paint hearts on a bunch of eggs, put those eggs in a Christmas stocking, and put that stocking in a Jack-o-lantern? Bam! You're done for the year. You just saved yourself a bunch of money, and she thinks you're a creative genius.

Glad I could help.

From Your Local Hyrulian Deli

2011-01-30T19:54:00.002-05:00

Today I was making a sandwich and then instead of doing a boring diagonal or horizontal/vertical cut, I went with something a bit different.

From one sandwich I made I was able to construct a triforce, a heart container and an arrow. As you know (or should know), these are all important items from The Legend of Zelda games. Did doing this complicate the eating of a sandwich? Yes. Did it make the sandwich taste better? I submit that it did.

Maybe I'll see if I can construct more strange food art in the future. But it's going to take lots and lots of delicious research.

Happy New Year, You Filthy Pigs

2011-01-08T04:29:00.003-05:00

I'm not calling you fine readers filthy pigs. Not at all. I'm certain each one of you are decent and hygienic people. But as for other people ... egad. What a bunch of disgusting swamp rats.

Why is it that so many people seem incapable of maintaining even basic levels of cleanliness? Doesn't standard bathroom etiquette, as well as plain common sense, tell us that you should wash your hands after you use the toilet? Shouldn't you rinse your key areas before leaving home and putting yourself in close proximity to strangers, friends, and co-workers? Doesn't it mark you as a hateful idiot to throw trash in a drinking fountain, or gum in a urinal?

Every time I use a public washroom I lose a bit more respect for humankind. Just today while I was washing my hands in the bathroom at work, a dude came out of one of the stalls ... and kept on walking out of the washroom without even looking at the soap. That son of bitch, I thought. Even if I wash my hands three times and leave the washroom while carefully avoiding contact with the door handles, there's no way to know what that guy has touched, or will touch, the rest of the day.

You want to know why people get sick? Because all over the world people are taking craps without washing their hands. They touch a chair. You touch a chair. You rub your eyes. Boom! Pink eye.

Also, it's not like I'm a clean freak. I believe you need a little dirt and bacteria in your life to be truly healthy, but there's a limit. Why do I so often walk into bathroom stall and discover that someone had a bad aim? Or that they didn't want to flush the toilet? Or that they decided to drop a whole roll of toilet paper in the bowl? I don't know why! It's completely unnecessary!!

Sadly the filth is hardly restricted to the bathroom. When I was at work I saw something awful. On a table near the window I spied a human nail. Was it a fingernail? I doubt it. This thing had to have been the toenail from the big toe of the dominant foot it was so goddamn big. It was so big and yellow I thought the moon had fallen to earth, and I'm pretty sure two children could have played see-saw on it, and it would have creaked audibly as they did.

Ugh, I think I made myself a little sick.

Tell me I'm the only one who encounters this kind of shit on a regular basis. Please tell me the world is really not filled with such fiends. Because every time I find a wad of wet gum on the underside of desk, I begin to question things. I thought I was working alongside adults with functioning brains, but now I'm not so sure. A public washroom is not a free pass to act like a baboon, and there's no excuse for not taking simple steps to protect the health and comfort of yourself and others.

It's the new year. One more chance to clean up your act.

Adventures in Paper: Like Mathematic Snowflakes Part One

2010-12-29T04:42:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since I posted something about my fold-stuffs. Lately I've been focusing on tessellations and using square, rectangular, and hexagonal sheets of paper. Here are some of my earlier attempts:

Often the starting point for any tessellation pattern is by creasing a piece of paper into a grid of triangles and then working them from there. The sheets of paper above and below both started with the same folds and then took on completely different forms.

This one is different from the others because it's more of a 3 dimensional model that doesn't lie flat. But like all tessellations it's made of a repeating fold pattern. I like this one quite a bit.

Here's one I designed myself by just putting together folding techniques I learned with others. I call it, "The Legend of Star Force Power Squad". No, wait, that's the name for my upcoming Saturday morning cartoon.

An aspect of the tessellations I like is how new patterns emerge when they are backlit, like this one. Often people will fold them with foil or plastic sheets to emphasize this effect. But all I can afford is plain ol' modified printer paper. This one looks like a sea of flux capacitors.

Here's another basic pattern that starts with a hexagon twist. And no, that's not the new dance craze. "Hey, did you see Bobby dislocate his groin when he tried the hexagon twist? It was rad."

Next time I'll unleash a batch of images of more advanced tessellations I'm quite proud of. I soon learned that doubling the folds somehow quadruples the results. I don't know how it works, but I'm pretty sure it's magic.

Secret Santa

2010-12-25T01:02:00.002-05:00

You know, I really think that Santa Claus and Superman are the same dude. Honestly, just think about it.

First of all, they both watch over mankind and teach children about good moral behavior. They both love wearing red, have homes established in the far north, and can freaking fly.

But Shane, you say, they look nothing alike. Well, Superman is known for disguises and having an alter ego. Why not have one more? Have you ever seen the two of them in the same place? I didn't think so.

Plus only a man with superhuman strength and speed would be capable of carrying and delivering billions of gifts in one night. And you know how he "sees you when your sleeping" or "knows if you been bad or good"? How else would he know without super hearing and the ability to see through walls?

C'mon people, Kris Kringle is from Krypton!

Holy shit.

Pre-Pre-Christmas Prep

2010-11-27T14:49:00.006-05:00

There's snow on the ground and it's beginning to feel like Christmas. You know when it didn't feel like Christmas? The morning after Halloween. But that didn't stop every goddamn store from busting out the holiday decorations and Christmas goods on November 1st. I didn't even have time to blow out the candle on my jack-o-lantern before I was waist deep in colored lights and tinsel.

I love the Mass of Christ as much as the next garland stringin' fool, but I don't need it to last 3 months. It's 12 days of Christmas for a reason.

Speaking of the 12 Days of Christmas, what a lousy song. It's too damn long. How many times have you given up around eight maids a milking because you knew Jingle Bells doesn't require concentration. I'll tell you how many times ... 38. That's a lot. It's like 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: the Christmas carol.

That is all. Please carry on with your 60+ days of holiday shopping. And to the rest of you, I'll see you at walmart near closing time on Christmas eve.

"Halloween": A Halloween Poem (About Halloween)

2010-10-31T01:48:00.006-04:00

On this blessed Halloween,

I pray by amber pumpkin light,

That imps and ghouls and spirits mean,

May all have such a fiendish night.

Even though we all grow older,

Don your hats, capes, mask, and mesh.

Sling your loot over your shoulder;

Bite through candied apple flesh.

Brittle leaves and candle rays-

I grin so widely people fear it.

Though I'm mortal other days,

Tonight I am a wayward spirit.

Happy Halloween to everyone out in Internet Town. I'll see you suckers in stupid November!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VI

2010-10-25T20:51:00.005-04:00

This week's movie challenge is something I'm going to call "Sketch Theatre". It's pretty simple. The four drawings below each represent a movie title. They aren't scenes from the films; instead it's all about showing the title through word play or a literal depiction.

I hope you enjoy, and I would certainly like to dish out more of these on future Mondays if it pleases those playing along.

Don't over think them too much, but if you're stumped, the solutions are a click away below. Don't peak right away, Jesus frowns upon it.

1) THE KING AND I

2) STRANGERS ON A TRAIN

3) BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

4) A STAR IS BORN

Costumes for Octoberween

2010-10-23T12:24:00.004-04:00

As we near the holiest of holidays, I try to get myself in the Halloween mood. At this point in my life I'm too old to go out trick or treating, and I have no children of my own to take out trick or treating (and then take my cut of the candy from), so it's all about watching horror films and/or eating bags of fun-sized candy bars in the dark. No dressing up for this fool.

But for those of you who are still likely to break out a costume, may I suggest some of these new costumes that I feel will soon catch on.

I Sleep in the Pretzel Position

2010-10-20T01:08:00.006-04:00

I woke up the other day with a muscle cramp in my chest. What does that mean? I've gotten these things in my legs before and all I can do is stretch my leg out and cry like a girl. But when you get one around the bottom of your rib cage because you slept in a bad position folded up in thirds, what do you do? Ask someone to grab both your arms from behind and kick you in the back? I must be incredibly out of shape. Time to do a hundred crunches before bed without stretching.

I need to obtain a more active lifestyle, but I often end up doing something wrong and hurting myself. Long time readers of my blog will know that on one of the only attempts I made to play basketball, I broke my finger. I'm afraid that if I take up jogging both of my knees will explode.

Plus I need to quit with all the eating and such. No more Cheeto sandwiches for breakfast, and no more pie eating contests in the middle of the night. It'll be baby steps.

It's not my fault that I've gotten fatter since coming back to Canada. It's not my fault that every holiday is centered around eating until you get chest cramps. It's not my fault that every commercial when the sun goes down is advertising salty, greasy food porn. It's not my fault this society and culture is made up of a bunch of gravy gorging ogres who stomp their foot once for super-size, and rev their electric mobility carts twice for extra cheese.

That reminds me... KFC's Double Down burger is just one more step towards the apocalypse we all know is coming. We are this close to McDonald's introducing a sandwich with the meat of nine different animals called the Zoo Burger.

Where was I? I'm a victim here! It's not my fault that something something angry words! Since I buy, cook, and consume the food that makes me fat, am I really to blame? Well, yes actually. That's exactly what it means.

Wow! I think I've realized something really important; I've finally begun to accept the fact that I'm the source of my own pain and lifestyle of excess. A breakthrough of this magnitude deserves a reward.

**slaps taco out of own hand**

NO! Bad Shane!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round V

2010-10-04T18:41:00.005-04:00

While you're busy sulking and being miserable at work, please ponder this new set of movie puzzle/trivia. This week's game I'm going to call, "Character Connection" ... yeah, why not. I love me some alliteration.

How does it work? I'll give you the names of two characters and you'll have to figure out what movie the two actors who played those characters did together. For example, if I give you Steve Zissou + Black Widow, the answer is going to be Lost in Translation. Because Steve Zissou was played by Bill Murray in Life Aquatic, and Scarlet Johannson played Black Widow in Iron Man 2. And Bill and Scarlet were both in Lost in Translation. There you have it.

Keep in mind that the two actors in the final movie don't have to be main characters, they are just two people who starred in the same movie. So give these a shot and feel free to leave some challenges of your own in the comments.

1) Woody + Amelie

2) Shaft + The Fly

3) Dorothy Gale + The Hulk

4) Catwoman + Dark Helmet

5) Lex Luthor + The Grand High Witch

6) Batman + Lara Croft

7) The Devil + Shrek

8) Judge Doom + Frodo

9) Ferris Bueller + Darth Vader

10) Gandhi + Zeus

Give up? Click below.

1) Woody (Tom Hanks)+ Amelie (Audrey Tautou) = The Da Vinci Code

2) Shaft (Samuel L. Jackson)+ The Fly (Jeff Goldblum) = Jurassic Park

3) Dorothy Gale (Fairuza Balk)+ The Hulk (Edward Norton) = American History X

4) Catwoman (Halle Berry)+ Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis) = Flintstones Movie

5) Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman)+ The Grand High Witch (Anjelica Huston) = The Royal Tenebaums

6) Batman (Val Kilmer)+ Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) = Alexander

7) The Devil (Elizabeth Hurley)+ Shrek(Mike Myers) = Austin Powers

8) Judge Doom (Christopher Lloyd)+ Frodo(Elijah Wood) = Back to the Future Part 2

9) Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick+ Darth Vader(James Earl Jones) = The Lion King

10) Gandhi (Ben Kingsley) + Zeus(Liam Neeson) = Schindler's List

Ranch Fresco

2010-09-29T01:43:00.004-04:00

I'm currently working on another movie challenge that will be on it's way before long, but I figured I would reveal the answers to Round III's "Movie in the Middle" challenge. Here they are, and if you got all of them correct, your trophy is in the mail. For the rest of you, please accept this imaginary participation ribbon. Moving on ...

I noticed the Subway near my work is hiring; a sign in the window described employees as "Sandwich Artists". That seems like a pretty fancy job title for someone who makes sandwiches. Artist? What is artistic about placing ingredients in a pile according to someone's preference?

"Here's your sandwich, I layered the cheese so that you may see it in greater relief. I really think those tomatoes pop. And you'll be impressed with the squeeze patterns of chipotle sauce I arranged. Yes, the bread is my canvas and I'm a regular Vincent van Toast."

Give me a break. Additionally, I'm sick of every store and franchise wanting me to become a fan of it on Facebook or following it on Twitter. I really really don't need to see status updates for Quiznos or make Dunkin Donuts an Internet friend.

Superheroes That Suck

2010-09-20T17:22:00.006-04:00

Here are some sketches I made while in university of some of the shittiest superheroes I could create. Even worse than Jubilee.

Back to the Drawing Board

2010-09-20T04:15:00.002-04:00

Anyone paying attention will notice that there have been a number of changes to the site lately. One, all the images have gone missing, and two, there's a new design to the site. Due to my own tomfoolery I may have mistakenly destroyed countless drawings on the site, which I will do my best to replace. Don't hit me.

I hope you approve of the new look. I'm still working out the kinks, and I hope things will fall into place much like a game of Tetris. Until then, I'm just stacking up useless garbage blocks until a long block decides to show up.

Another zigzig!? Where am I gonna put that!?

Monday Movie Challenge - Round IV

2010-09-13T15:46:00.002-04:00

There's been no feedback for "Movie in the Middle", so I'm assuming that everyone was utterly stumped last week and I will save the answers for the next round.

Today for the Monday Movie Challenge, I offer a more creative challenge that I think everyone can get on board with and enjoy. This game, which we will call "Shitty Movie", is another game I heard about while listening to random podcasts and may be my new favorite thing.

How does it work? Well all you have to do is think of a real existing movie title that sounds hilarious if we imagine the movie is about someone taking a huge shit. That's it. Gone with the Wind is a classic, but if we envision that the film is about someone on the can, it's suddenly funny. It's all about finding the right movie title.

Below I offer up some of my favorite titles that I've heard or discovered myself. I expect everyone that reads this to participate in the comments. Bring on the funny, people!

The Longest Yard

The Green Mile

Kicking and Screaming

Push

Bend it Like Beckham

Backdraft

Rear Window

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Black Beauty

Seven Pounds

Naked Lunch

Five Easy Pieces

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

There Will Be Blood

Operation Dumbo Drop

So c'mon, everybody. Make me proud.

The Food Cycle

2010-09-10T23:03:00.004-04:00

Just like Mufasa said in "The Lion King", we are all part of the circle of life. A chicken eats a worm, you eat the chicken, a giant space worm eats you. It's beautiful, really.

All aspects of life obey the laws of this cycle, including the crummy food served in school cafeterias around the world. Here is a diagram I sketched up about 8 years ago. Man I feel old.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round III

2010-09-06T01:16:00.002-04:00

This week I'm presenting you all with a variation of a game from one of my favorite podcasts, "Doug Loves Movies". On the show Doug and his guests try to string together movie titles with connecting words into one long chain. For this movie challenge I'll be giving you a chain of three movies and the trick is to guess the center title. I call it "Movie in the Middle".

For example, the answer to the clue The Great (~~~) Confidential would be Escape from LA because it gives you The Great Escape and LA Confidential. I think it's pretty straightforward. Good luck!

Cop (~~~) Boys
Vanilla (~~~) Never Dies
Red (~~~) and Souls.
City of (~~~) of Dreams
Thirteen (~~~) Attacks
Snake (~~~)ter Island
A. (~~~) Kids
Face (~~~) Cowboys
View from the (~~~) Window
Ham (~~~) side (~~~) Wall

Delay: The Movie!

2010-08-30T12:40:00.004-04:00

It's Monday, but I'm afraid Round III of the movie challenge will have to be pushed back a week. Don't get mad, I warned you this might happen. I do have a job and stuff. For real.

If you're still struggling with some of the titles from Movies Associated, you can find the answers over here. And hey, it looks like Cake is gonna win against Pie, but this is not completely unexpected. Cake is the universal celebratory baked good. Be sure to watch out as each month a new showdown will appear. Also, here is a picture to appease you in the absence of a movie challenge. Stay cool.

Castaway Coins and Filthy Bathroom Pumps?

2010-08-29T23:40:00.008-04:00

I hate pennies. They are worthless. Nobody wants to keep them. There's never a good opportunity to use them. People toss them aside like half finished cigarettes, and just like cigarette butts only desperate people pick them up. There's a reason people use credit cards and debit cards; because handling coins is tedious and annoying.

Let me tell you a story about why pennies suck. While I was at university I saved up all my pennies whenever I got them. After university I counted them, rolled them, went to the bank, waited in line, and got back less than five dollars. What a waste of time and effort. Four years of accumulated this filthy discs and I couldn't even make the smallest bill, I just went back home with different coins.

And they are filthy. Money is pretty gross when you think about it too long. I'm not a super clean person, but even I cringe at the idea of holding a big mound of greasy coins. Pennies are the worst; they're like the hobo of the coin family. Practically every penny you come across looks like you'd need a tetanus shot after handling it.

I know we hear about it in the news every now and then that pennies will eventually be phased out, but I say it can't happen soon enough. I'd love to see nickels eliminated too. We'll still have enough coin variety to weigh our pockets down, don't worry. Progress, people, let's make it happen.

Getting back to the germ topic, I think that are some really dumb cleaning products out there. Anyone else remember "Fit", the stupid cleansing liquid for fruits and vegetables? Yeah, let's forget that people have been washing produce with water since forever and start using food soap. Morons.

Anyway, the most recent idiotic product that rubs me the wrong way are these touchless handsoap dispensers. The main pitch seems to be avoiding contact with the germ infested handsoap pump. Using this product is apparently way more hygienic. C'mon, people! Let's use some common sense. Whether the pump is covered in germs or not makes no difference at all ... AT ALL! Why? Because as soon as you touch it, the very next thing you do ... is wash your hands!! Goddamn all mighty Cheeto frog diaper!

Why should you waste money on an expensive soap dispenser, batteries, and overpriced refills when you still have to deal with shutting off a germ covered water tap and opening a dirty bathroom door?

Monday Movie Challenge - Round II

2010-08-23T17:48:00.013-04:00

It's that time again!

Here's another movie type game thing that I thought up while bored at work. I call it "Movies Associated". The basic idea is that I give you a movie title where all the words are replaced with new words that you might associate with the previous words. It could be opposites, synonyms, or just related words. For example, the clue Baked Blue Bananas would actually be Fried Green Tomatoes. Or Diamond-Toe would be Goldfinger. I think you get the idea.

So take a shot at naming all the movies listed below and feel free to throw some back at me. Also, since I'm going to try and do this weekly (try being the key word), I'm trying to think of an elegant solution for posting the previous weeks answers in a way that will keep it hidden for those who haven't played yet, or for those who don't wish to accidentally read them. Any suggestions on that would be welcome too. I'm sure there's an obvious solution, but I'm a little slow. Peace!

The Filthy Twelve
The Infinite Tale
Steel Small
German Cake
The Ocean Tame
Dentist Yes
The Wire Dude
Poor-stomach Hill
Battle Stick
Knife Jogger
Ass Door
The Deaf Edge
The Tennis Agendas
White Goat
Tired Full
The Powerful Chickens
The Clock Contraption
Waking Pretty
Pencil-face
Beast Mansion
Absurd Math
Red Silk
A Sexy Brain
Severed Pointer
Hate As-a-matter-of-fact

NOTE: I've added the answers below! I wouldn't want you to lose sleep over it.

The Filthy Twelve >>> The Dirty Dozen

The Infinite Tale >>> The Neverending Story

Steel Small >>> Iron Giant

German Cake >>> American Pie

The Ocean Tame >>> The River Wild

Dentist Yes >>> Dr. No

The Wire Dude >>> The Cable Guy

Poor-stomach Hill >>> Brokeback Mountain

Battle Stick >>> Fight Club

Knife Jogger >>> Blade Runner

Ass Door >>> Rear Window

The Deaf Edge >>> The Blind Side

The Tennis Agendas >>> The Basketball Diaries

White Goat >>> Black Sheep

Tired Full >>> Sleepy Hollow

The Powerful Chickens >>> The Mighty Ducks

The Clock Contraption >>> The Time Machine

Waking Pretty >>> Sleeping Beauty

Pencil-face >>> Eraserhead

Beast Mansion >>> Animal House

Absurd Math >>> Weird Science

Red Silk >>> Blue Velvet

A Sexy Brain >>> A Beautiful Mind

Severed Pointer >>> Broken Arrow

Hate As-a-matter-of-fact >>> Love Actually

Adventures in Paper: Crane in the Neck

2010-08-19T01:36:00.008-04:00

It's time for another installment of Adventures in Paper. As you may know, one of the most well known origami models is the crane. Anybody who has had the slightest inclination to fold paper would have tried this at some point. Every package of origami paper I've ever bought has come with instructions to fold it. The crane is practically the mascot for origami, and here's it is folded with standard 15 x 15cm paper:

The origami crane is a symbol of peace and good fortune, and they say that if you fold 1000 of them you will have a wish granted. My guess is that if you actually did fold 1000 of them you'd only wish for a cure for your ragin' arthritis.

In any case, I've folded plenty of cranes in my life but one day I was struck with an idea; I may not have the time to fold a thousand of these little buggers, but I wonder how small I could make one. Ladies and gentlemen, I had myself a challenge.

Well the logical step after folding a normal sized crane would be to fold a slightly smaller one. I would have to ease myself into this. I busted out the mini origami paper and folded this with a 7.5 x 7.5cm sheet. I little bit tricky, but no sweat.

Okay, that certainly is smaller, but who cares? My next step was to take a fourth of the 7.5cm paper and fold a crane. My fat fingers were getting in the way, but I managed it. Here is the crane I folded with 3.75 x 3.75cm paper.

I was proud of this one, but where do I go from here? There's only one way to go ... smaller, damn it. Take a fourth of the previous paper size and you got yourself a 1.87 x 1.87cm sheet of origami paper. I knew this model meant business when I began sweating from the concentration. Fingers are useless at this point and it's all about using fingernails like tweezers. After more than ten minutes of folding, I had this:

That crane was difficult enough that I felt I had achieved something. Not something I could put on a resume, but something. It had been hard as hell to fold, but the time had come to separate the men from the boys who cant fold shit. My last and smallest attempt was with 0.93 x 0.93cm paper. Thirty excruciatingly tedious minutes later ...

Bam. Now that's a small crane. This crane took two attempts to achieve because the first try I dropped the crane by accident and it fell between the keys of my computer keyboard and was lost forever. That's the kind of tiny I'm talking about. I had to hold my breath nearly the whole time for fear of exhaling it across the room into the carpet, or worse, inhaling it.

All in all, I felt proud for having done it. With nothing but my bare hands and a lot of patience, I had made the smallest ass origami crane I'd ever seen. The only thing I could do after that was fold a box to keep it in so I wouldn't lose the damn thing.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round I

2010-08-16T22:42:00.005-04:00

Since I spend ample time on this blog talking about things that bother me, or things I hate, I also wanted to give some space to stuff I love. Movies!

I love movie, you love movies, who doesn't love movies? When inspiration strikes me, I like to make games about movies. Here's a recent one I made called "Movie That Name".

The way it works is that there are many movie titles with first and/or last names in them. I've taken these movies and combined the name from the title with the name of the actor or actress who plays that character in the movie. For example, in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jim Carrey plays the character Ace. So I could present that as the clue, Jim Ventura ... or ... Ace Carrey. Of course, that particular one is easy. The movie title doesn't have to have both first and last names, as another example the movie What about Bob? could turn into the clue Bob Murray.

So here are some other ones I've put together. See if you can solve them all. And feel free to comment if you've been stumped by one, or you have one that you think might stump me. Party on.

Mike Powers
Brad Black
Buck Candy
Robin Adams
Erin Roberts
David Roberts
George Fox
Ray Foxx
Kevin Brooks
Pam Brown
Kevin Gale
Matt Ryan
Johnny Wood
Mary Andrews
Steve Murray
Diane Hall
John Cox
James Smith

Mike Powers (Mike Myers in Austin Powers)

Brad Black (Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black)
Buck Candy (John Candy in Uncle Buck)
Robin Adams (Robin Williams in Patch Adams)
Erin Roberts (Julia Roberts in Erin Brokovich)
David Roberts (David Spade in Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star)
George Fox (George Clooney in Fantastic Mr. Fox)
Ray Foxx (Jamie Fox in Ray)
Kevin Brooks (Kevin Costner in Mr. Brooks)
Pam Brown (Pam Grier in Jackie Brown)
Kevin Gale (Kevin Spacey in The Life of David Gale)
Matt Ryan (Matt Damon in Saving Private Ryan)
Johnny Wood (Johnny Depp in Ed Wood)
Mary Andrews (Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins)
Steve Murray (Bill Murray in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou)
Diane Hall (Diane Lane in Annie Hall)
John Cox (John C. Reilly in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)
James Smith (James Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)

House O' Cards

2010-08-13T23:39:00.003-04:00

A while ago deafening construction began at my workplace, and a month later it hasn't let up. My job involves talking on the phone (the sweetest job, I know) and somehow not being able to hear yourself makes the process, how can I put this, ... stupidly awful.

The foundation of the building is being repaired and it involves using a bunch of jackhammers to rattle the building until you have a migraine in your eyes. I remember jokingly saying to a coworker that we should be given earplugs, except we can't use them because we need to talk on the phone. The next day the supervisors were handing out earplugs. Ha.

The repairs are necessary because of A) it's an old building, and B) the recent earthquake "messed up the foundation". Somehow I feel less than completely safe being inside a building that needs structural repairing. But I'm paranoid like that.

My plan is to buy a parachute and wear it all times and if things look shaky I'll dive out a window to safety. Another possible plan is to quit my job. I'm leaning more towards plan B because I have no idea where to get a parachute. Unless I steal it from an elementary school gym class.

Smoke: A (Long) Rant

2010-08-06T11:48:00.004-04:00

Dear Smokers,

Why must you constantly pollute my life? I'm really tired of it. Honestly.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, I'm faced with people sucking ash and blowing smoke and it's really annoying. Smokers rarely seem to consider that other people don't smoke and might not enjoy walking through clouds of death at every corner. I realize smokers do have the right to smoke, and the places they can smoke is limited, but I still feel that's not enough. I can't go to the bank, to the grocery store, or even out my door without having to pass by and breathe the fumes of some inconsiderate jackass.

I've heard people who smoke say, "Look, if it bothers you, just walk away." But it's not that easy. While you're walking away, you'll run into another smoker, and another, and another, until your only escape is running back home or straight into the ocean.

In my case, home isn't even a proper sanctuary. My apartment is unfortunately located right above the apartment's front entrance, and so people are always congregating there and puffing away. What does that mean for me? Well it means that I can't leave any of my windows open for more than 20-30 minutes at a time without suddenly smelling cigarette smoke. This is particularly aggravating during the hot summer days when opening a window is a desperate attempt to breathe and circulate fresh air. They just come back again and again and again, all day, all night. I'm this close to throwing bricks.

I really can't comprehend the minds of people who can be suffocating in the summer's hottest and most humid weather, and still decide to head outside and inhale fire. What the hell is wrong with you? This is an addiction I can't even fathom. I'm a fat ass, and my addiction is food. But when the weather is 40 degrees with the humidity, I can't even think about eating something hot. I just sprawl out on the floor, eating ice, and concentrating on not dying.

Another argument I've heard smokers make is, "Why do you always complain about smokers when cars are polluting the environment far more. You don't complain about them." Well, it's an interesting point, but in the long run, cars at least serve a purpose and are useful. Yes, they are polluting the air, but for now they are necessary, which is more than I can say for cigarettes.

And besides, I don't own a car. I rely on public transport and walking to get around, and this has less impact on the environment than someone who drives around all day. So what's my reward? I get to breathe smoke everyday to and from work, without fail. I leave my apartment and the hallway may reek of smoke, then I have to get out the front entrance where people are smoking. As I walk to work I constantly find myself behind someone smoking, like I'm riding caboose on the cancer train. I try to get out of the way, and I run into more people smoking in groups, or smoking out their car windows. I finally get to work, and the front entrance has a flock of smoking wads hanging around. Enough is enough! Stop smoking!

Also, don't you love how smokers treat the world like their own personal ashtray. Thanks for leaving your filthy cigarette butts scattered everywhere. What? You think it doesn't count as littering because they're small or something? You smoke twenty times a day flicking your trash everywhere, you insensitive prick. Stop smoking!

I really can't feel bad about bitching over smokers. It's like trying to feel bad for telling someone not to rub asbestos in their eyes several times a day. Smoking, without question, is killing people. The people who intentionally smoke, and the people who are forced to smoke around them. It's ridiculous. I'm not just picking on smokers. I hate anyone who let's an addiction harm the people around them; whether is be from alcohol, gambling, food, or anything. It's selfish terrible behavior. Period.

Yesterday I saw two fat women standing outside the grocery store sucking away on their cigarettes. It's bad enough that they were forcing everyone trying to enter or leave the store to breathe their smoke, but the real kicker was that one women was holding her toddler by the hand and the other woman had a baby strapped to her chest. What the hell!? I'm sorry, but someone needs to sock these despicable twits in their brainless heads. Stop smoking!!

It yellows your teeth and fingers, gives you bad breath, makes your clothes and hair reek, and kills your organs! I don't even know why I'm saying this. I know smoking is bad, you know smoking is bad, EVERYONE knows it's bad, and people are still doing it. Why don't you do something good for yourself and quit already?

Stop being a thoughtless selfish person. Stop throwing your tiny bits of burning garbage everywhere. Stop taking a break every 30 minutes at work so you can go outside and hose yourself down with stink. Stop preventing me from being able to open a window and enjoy a summer breeze. Stop buying $12 packs of lung cancer everyday. Stop smoking around your friends, your family, and especially your kids! Just stop goddamn smoking!

Please.

Sincerely,

Shane

Adventures in Paper: Twisted Squares and Bloody Fingers

2010-07-31T00:18:00.007-04:00

Since my university days I've had an interest for folding paper. It wasn't until I went to Korea that my interest turned into a full blown hobby, and these days it's become a bit of a passion. As lame as it might sound, I honestly draw much joy from folding and manipulating paper. Ever since I was a kid, I thought paper had endless potential with what a person could write or draw on it; a blank piece of paper was something waiting to happen. Origami has turned out to be just another form of potential in paper that I really find interesting.

Last year I posted a video of me showing off some of my collection at the time, and in the last month or so, I've been quenching my folding thirst. I figured I would try and make my attempts at this old art a regular segment of my blog. Why? Because as I've said, I find it really interesting, and hopefully I can spread that interest.

First of all, generally I don't make origami animals. I have ... but I'm more drawn to other areas of paper folding like modular origami, abstract and geometric shapes. Yes, it can be fun to make a paper dog, but making a paper dodecahedron is crazier, and therefor cooler in my books.

One branch of origami that is heavily built on geometric shapes that I've recently begun trying is Origami Tessellations. Basically it involves pre-folding a piece of paper for a long time and then spending an even longer (and more frustrating) time trying to fold the paper into submission so it creates a repeating pattern of shapes. For example, here's a sheet of paper with a bunch of pre-folds.

Take the central creased square of the paper and twist it 90 degrees and then set it flat again. Voila! A paper pinwheel thing!

Time to kick it up a notch. Four times the squares meant four times the trouble (I'm good at math). The biggest obstacle is that you can't twist one square at a time. It has to be all done simultaneously. And that was a pain in the ass. Several f-bombs later I got this:

Now that I had the hang of it, time to try 16 squares. Because that'll be more fun, right? I honestly didn't anticipate how long and difficult this would be. The final product took about two hours of creasing and folding to produce:

It's not as crisp as I would like, but I'm happy nonetheless. It's pleasing to look at and touch. I'm a tactile person, which is why I probably eat spaghetti with my hands. When you flip the paper over you can see this:

The weaved pattern was a nice little surprise. Like flipping over the Mona Lisa and finding a taco. So there you have it, my first attempts at an origami tessellation. It's a little distressing, but apparently this design is one of the easiest you can do. I want to try more advanced tessellation patterns, but I fear I will murder a stranger after 4 hours of creasing goes awry.

Aaaaanyway, my next planned installment of Adventures in Paper will be classic origami meets personal challenge. Watch out!

In the Heat of the Night ( I Have Violent Sweat-Mares)

2010-07-07T23:44:00.004-04:00

ugh...

UGH!!!

It's so hot I want to puke. Now I know why they call it the dog days of summer; because I want to roll over and play dead.

The last 5 days have been some kind of hell. My apartment has no air circulation, no AC, and no ice filled wading pool. If I walk around outside in the scorching heat, I have no incentive to go home because I know it's another 5-10 degrees hotter indoors. I don't even know what that is with the humidity.

I can't sleep at night. I just lie in a pool of my own sweat. If I do ever fall asleep I wake up suffocating and frantically clawing at my clothes to remove them. Then I realize that I'm naked. And I'm sorry for putting that image in your head.

In any case, I'm upset and tired. There's just no way to be properly rested when you have to sleep in the equivalent of a sauna on fire. I should probably buy an air conditioner, but I don't have the money. I blew it all on iced tea and iced tea stock.

I bought a fan today, which now brings my fan total up to .... two. I figure I could double my chances of not dying that way. I know that the heat and lack of sleep has been making me crazy and/or stupid, and I have proof. While I was carrying my new fan home I stopped in at a bakery and left the fan near the door while I perused the bread. Moments later, as I was walking around the bakery I happened to glance over to the door and I saw the fan in its box and the first thing that popped into my head was: Jeez! Why don't these stupid store owners go ahead and use their freaking fan? It's hot enough in here. What's wrong with them?

Yes, that's right. In less than one minute I had forgotten that it was MY fan I had left by the door. Not only that, I got pissed off at people I don't even know over it. I'm such a moron. You see what the heat is doing to me?! It's making me aggressively stupid!

I hope I never become lost in a desert. You'll find me dead after an hour from wrestling a cactus.

Mitch & Roland: #61 Panic

2010-06-30T22:59:00.002-04:00

Happy Canada Day to everyone ... except for the Yanks. They'll have to wait until Sunday to party.

Sandwich with Side of Adrenaline

2010-06-24T00:01:00.003-04:00

Today I had a thrilling first experience that didn't involve drugs of any kind. I got to experience an earthquake.

As you no doubt heard, Ottawa experienced a 5.5 magnitude earthquake on Wednesday. At the time I was out having lunch with my partner in crime at a bistro pub when it happened. We were nearly finished our meal when suddenly the restaurant began rumbling. My first thought was that it was a big truck on the road shaking things up, so I turned my head toward the open front of the bistro to see the street.

Instead of seeing a truck, I watched as the front of the restaurant rocked and swayed with the increasing tremors. People were jumping from their seats and rushing the door, and someone outside was shouting, "Everyone get out! Get out!"

It seemed like sound advice, so I ran. Once we were out on the sidewalk I could still feel the quake rumbling beneath my feet and a stranger pointed out to me that the parking meters were vibrating and wobbling.

As it had happened I had thought, "This can't be an earthquake, right? Ottawa doesn't have earthquakes, right?" And in the moment of fleeing the restaurant, I can honestly say it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I may have peed a little. Of course no one was hurt or killed and the restaurant hadn't collapsed the moment we stepped clear, but it was exhilarating nonetheless.

The experience did teach me to always be on my toes. Also, for some reason once I was outside, I found that I had escaped clutching my napkin; as if that would be something important to save. Yeah ... don't call me in a moment of crisis to save your family from a burning building. I'll just end up rescuing all the linens.

So far in my life I've experienced floods, a hurricane, and now an earthquake. Next on my list? I'm looking at you, tornado. Bring it on!

Mitch & Roland: #60 Clean

2010-06-23T23:50:00.005-04:00

It certainly has been an inexcusable amount of time since I've last posted a Mitch and Roland comic. That being said, I hope you will excuse the amount of time it's been since I've posted a Mitch and Roland comic.

My Doodles at Work

2010-06-22T01:28:00.008-04:00

I'm not going to say that I'm unfocused at work, but sometimes the only thing that relieves the boredom is a bit of paper. I'm the kind of man that needs to keep his hands busy. Sometimes after watching a movie I'll look down and find that I've crocheted a blanket.

Here's a cowboy. I call him Slim "Gut-punch" McCoy. As you can tell from this stunning illustration, he is a heartless, ruthless, killing machine. An infamous horse thief and womanizer, he kills anyone that looks at him funny. He also loves sherbet and playing tiddlywinks.

If you couldn't tell immediately this drawing is all about a duck-centric version of "Back to the Future". It would be about a duck named Mallard McFly who finds out that his scientist friend, Doctor Emmitt Down, has invented time travel when you fly at 88 FPS (Flaps-per-second). Mallard ends up getting sent back in time, accidentally interfering with his parents meeting, and facing the chance of never even being hatched. It then becomes a race against time to get his parents back together and return to the present before his influence on the past creates a time para-ducks. Uh ... it's a work in progress.

This last doodle is based on a concept I devised with the uncompromising Cole. Like most of you out there, I spent my university career hanging out with friends, mocking bad television, and coming up with better shows of our own. The TV show that hopefully will eventually find it's way to the small screen is "Medi-Cops". We figured that since most TV dramas are about doctors or police officers, why not fuse them together? Surgeons by day and ridiculously brutal cops by night (or vice versa), they would perform astounding feats like gunning down a criminal in the street, only to rush him to the E.R. to carefully extract the bullets, save his life, and then proceed to interrogate him.

If I recall correctly, one of the cops would carry dual pistols that he would rub together like cardiac paddles, then shout "Clear!" before leaping out from around a corner and opening fire. They would also have a multitude of awesome catchphrases like:

"He needs 30cc's of lead, stat!"

"Take two of these and I'll see you in jail by morning." (These are most likely bullets.)

"It's time to pull the plug on these street punks!"

"My diagnosis? You're under arrest!"

"An apple a day won't do shit."

"I.V. seeing you in the slammer."

"Time of death ... in about 10 seconds."

As you can see, it's a downward slope, but this stuff writes itself. Anyone who doesn't support this potential hit is a fool. Well, I gotta go and -hey! ... where did all these doilies come from?

Goodly-Portion-of-the-World Cup

2010-06-16T00:31:00.004-04:00

The air is electric and that can mean only one thing. No, not Tesla Coils. It's World Cup 2010!

That's right. We've all been waiting anxiously and now we will finally know which country has the best soccer team ... in the whole goddamn world. I know it seems like we figured that out in 2006, and previously in 2002, and before that every four years going back numerous decades, but this is the real deal! And I've got my money on Honduras. Honduras is a place, right? And they have and team and qualified and stuff? Yeah, right on. Go Honduras! Not too many people know this, but Honduras comes from a Spanish word meaning "Home of Durability".

I suppose I should be rooting for Canada, but apparently Canada isn't part of the world. Thanks, FIFA. I guess we're good enough for World Wars, but not World Cups. Pfft. No matter. We still have out own special cup we can win. We just don't feel like it though.

Having watched several games already, I feel I have a firm grasp of the game and how it's played. I know that if another player ever makes contact with you, you should tumble immediately to the ground in a death roll and act like every bone in your legs have been shattered. I also know that soccer fans must sound their cheap plastic horns for the entire event no matter what. Even if nothing significant is happening, and no one is actually playing. Of course there's nothing wrong with celebrating and being enthusiastic, but can I watch two consecutive seconds of a game without the crowd sounding like a bunch of dying 18-wheelers?

Soccer is an amazing game. The only flaw is that the field isn't long enough, and the nets are too small. Am I right? If soccer ever wants to be become a serious sport like golf, it's definitely going to have to expand a few acres to avoid being so crowded. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of Foosball.

Uh ... Go Honduras!!

Beat the Heat

2010-05-25T23:35:00.003-04:00

As the summer heat begins cooking us alive I thought I'd share my tried and true techniques for beating the heat. Results may vary!

- Buy a popsicle. Break it in two and put them under your armpits.

- Spoon an electric fan during the night. If you don't have a fan, spoon a pile of cold spoons.

- Every time you get something from the fridge, accidentally drop your keys and climb inside for a few minutes to look for them.

- Wear a bathrobe that's been soaked in cool water. Or if you don't have a bathrobe, use a bunch of damp towels sewn together.

- Buy a life sized ice sculpture of a horse and then sit on it until it melts in half, then spend of the rest of the day throwing a sno-cone party.

-Eat an ice cream cone every hour on the hour until you are rushed to the hospital. As we all know, hospitals have air conditioning.

- At all costs avoid moving around and doing stuff. Cancel all plans with friends and family until the fall. Meeting people just means you have to put your clothes on and get out of that wading pool.

March Music (Parody) Madness: Clock Fetish

2010-03-29T19:04:00.003-04:00

And so we have arrived at the end of the month and the third and final part of my parody shin dig. Today's song is a parody of "Tik-tok" by Ke$ha, the only singer I know whose voice sounds slutty, drunk, and robotic ... all at the same time.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it. It's about to get sexy up in here.

Clock Fetish

Wake up in the morning feeling quite run down,
Need a fix, of that which ticks, with a metered sound.
Walk the walk, grandfather clock, cause I sure love a chimer,
Cause you know, I can't get off, with just any egg timer.

I'm talking timing shit on our phones, phones
Trying out all time zones, zones.
Boys get your metronomes, nomes.

Daylight savings gets me all sweaty,
Do you like your time military?
I'll wrist your watch if you let me.

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

I'm counting seconds, minutes, hours, and the days of the year
Put your watch in my pocket, and then go oil my gears
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they think they have style,
But we kick em to the curb unless they have a sundial.

I'm talking everybody fitting cogs, cogs
an hourglass that unclogs, clogs
But I won't do analog-log

I love the pendulum how it swings, swings
watch it break our springs, springs
gonna break our springs, springs,
Buh-buh break us...

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

You wind me up,
and I slide down,
Just like Doc Brown,
from that tower.

When my time's up
I might erupt
I love that sound
Yeah, you got me

The mouse ran up,
and I go down
the clock strikes one,
and you got me

The mouse ran up,
and your time's up,
and your time's up,

Now, the party don't start without "Big Ben"

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

March Music (Parody) Madness: We Didn't Start The Console

2010-03-24T21:16:00.003-04:00

Time to kick off part two of my parody extravaganza. I know extravaganza is a bit of stretch to describe blogging lyrics, but go with me on this and it'll be over soon.

Today's parody is of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". It's a chronological journey through gaming history. Enjoy.

We Didn't Start The Console

Asteroids, Space Invaders, Pitfall, Dragon's Lair

Breakout, Gauntlet, Super Off Road

Centipede, Adventure, Golden Axe, Defender

Frogger, Digdug, Kaboom and Battlezone

Marble Madness, Burgertime, Q-bert, Frontline

Contra, Dragon Warrior, and Missile Command

After Burner, Joust, Pong, Moon Patrol, Donkey Kong

Warlords, Galaga, and Mrs. Pacman

Chorus:

We didn't start the console,

It was always playing

Since the 1980's

We didn't start the console

No we didn't make it

But we loved to take it

Ninja Gaiden, Arkanoid, Adventure Island, Metroid

Double Dribble, Bubble Bobble, Castlevania

River City Ransom, Punch Out, Double Dragon

Kirby, Duck Hunt, Turtles Mania

Mario, Luigi, Revenge of Shinobi

Ghosts and Goblins, Blades of Steel, Shinning Force and Metal Gear

Sonic, Kid Icarus, Megaman, Tetris

Excitebike... played all night, blowin' on the cartridge!

(Chorus)

Chrono Trigger, Final Fight, Starfox flying was a sight

Donkey Kong Country, Dark World in Zelda 3

Earthbound, Bomberman, Yoshi has an Island

A slue of 2D RPGs, like epic Final Fantasy

F-Zero was a blur, Lunar, Soul Calibur

Mortal Kombat, Contra's War, Shenmue and Lufia

Wolfenstein, Joe & Mac, Lost Vikings, Flashback

Street Fighter Alpha, Secret of Mana

(Chorus)

Xenogears, Chrono Cross, Cloud, Aerith, Sephiroth

Tomb Raider, Wild Arms, Marvel Vs. Capcom

Resident Evil's Veronica, Symphony in Castlevania

Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Blood Omen, Tony Hawk

Vagrant Story, Bust a Groove, Tekken, Crash Bandicoot

Conker's Bad Fur Day, what else do I have to play?

(Chorus)

Fatal Frame, Silent Hill, Eternal Darkness, Splinter Cell

Ico, Halo, Grim Fandago

Twisted Metal, Gran Turismo, DDR, Guitar Hero

Devil May Cry, Metroid Prime, Metal Slug, Dead or Alive

Syphon Filter, Pokemon, Onimusha, Kingdom Hearts

Wind Waker, Smash Brothers, Oddworld, Prince of Persia

Katamari Damancy, Snake and Sons of Liberty

Grand Theft Auto, God of War, Holy shit they're making more!

Clean Up On Aisle 300

2010-03-20T21:37:00.003-04:00

This marks the 300th post on this blog and I couldn't be happier. Not just because I feel like the proud father of 300 unusual children, but also because I'm pretty sure blogging really starts to become profitable after 300 posts ... right?

To commemorate the occasion I'll be spending the weekend reenacting scenes from the movie "300". You know, yelling while showing every tooth in my head, impaling foes in slow motion, kicking people down bottomless pits of despair.

Speaking of bottomless pits of despair, I went to Wal-Mart today. What is it about that store that leaves you tired and sick if you spend more that a minute inside? I think they must pump chemicals into the store's air system to make people feel hopeless just so they buy more stuff. "I feel like crap and the world sucks. I might as well buy these cupcakes and a TV. That'll make me feel better."

Also, a child become lost when I was there and they kept announcing it over the PA system. For some reason they kept calling it "Code Adam". I'm assuming that Adam was the name of a kid they never found, and they use it as a constant reminder of the dangers of operating a store that is larger than some towns.

I think it would be funny to tell the employees there that your child is missing, and when they ask you to describe what he looks like, you tell them that he's 18 years old and wearing a teletubbies shirt, suspenders, and carrying a frying pan. And when they ask you where was the last place you saw him, tell them it was at the beach last summer.

Anyway, enjoy the weekend. I'll be waiting by the mailbox for my blogging cheque.

March Music (Parody) Madness: I Kicked a Squirrel

2010-03-14T20:37:00.004-04:00

Over the years I've enjoyed writing in all sorts of creative writing forms, whether it be poetry, short stories, comics, novels, or the occasional list or rant. One thing in particular that I love writing from time to time is a song parody. The urge to do so is usually random and inexplicable, and I'll have the idea for a parody trapped in my head for days until I can finally sort it out and write it down.

So in the next two weeks I thought I'd share three of my more recent attempts at humour via lyrics. The first is a parody of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl". I've included the video for those of you who may not know how the song goes, or would like to follow along. Enjoy.

I Kicked a Squirrel

It was the day that I got canned,
no proper notice.
She left me for another man,
some guy named Otis.
I pulled in, the driveway,
just saw it on the lawn.
Didn't mean to block my way
caught my attention.

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Knocked it to battered squirrel bits.
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
Crept in and snuck behind it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
I nailed it's ass and it took flight.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Sure, now it shouldn't take the blame,
It doesn't matter.
It just felt so good all the same,
To hear the splatter.
Broke two toes, lost my voice,
Put my shoe in a tree.
I spot them, there's one choice,
it's him or me!

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Made it a tree rat rocket
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
I hope my family won't mind it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
I'm pretty sure that it bounced twice.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Those squirrels with evil beady eyes,
Soft fur, puffed cheeks, stuffed full of lies,
Trained by satanic Nazi spies,
to steal all our nuts.
It's up to me,
I hate their guts!!

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Sick of its stupid squirrel shit.
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
I hope the neighbors don't find it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
It hit a beehive and stuck tight.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Bite-Sized Blogging in Bed

2010-03-04T23:03:00.002-05:00

It's March, and you know what that means, right?

Right?

Uh, no. Well, you're close, but I don't have time to let you keep guessing. It's March and that means I've finally moved into my own apartment. It was a long ordeal, but I've finally made it. I've learned that the greatest part about having an apartment (besides being able to walk around naked at all hours), is that I can finally sleep on a bed again. After about 5 months of crashing on the couches of family and friends, I can finally stretch out my legs and not kick a lamp over. I can actually roll over now! Roll over! Without fear of falling through a glass coffee table!

Anyway, that whole "upgrade" has been occupying most of my time. While I haven't found much time for drawing and blogging, I've had time to write short snippets of random crap on Twitter. I'm sorry to say that I've joined that whole "fad". What does that make me now? A tweeter? A twit? A twat? A Cry-For-Helper? For those of you who are interested in following me you can do so here: http://twitter.com/Turnipism .

How awesome are my tweets? Well, it's like a live feed of my thoughts unfiltered. Sort of like this blog but in smaller, more enjoyable portions. It's like a candy funnel of happiness or a laser that shoots orgasms. Also, I use it to announce any new lists that come up on Five-o-rama. So if you want to stay up to date on all that goodness and more, check it out.

Or don't.

Gold, Silver, and Ranch

2010-02-25T20:31:00.004-05:00

Boy, what a busy month its been. Between working nearly everyday, apartment hunting, watching the Olympics, and neglecting this blog, I've barely had time to think.

As a person who is athletically retarded, and knows virtually nothing about sports (slam dunk the football and you get a home run, right?) I really love watching the Olympics. I've found that there is a strange vibe to these winter Olympics, and I think we can all admit that things haven't gone as smoothly as we would hope. At this point I'm surprised the Olympic slogan isn't "Vancouver: A Series of Unfortunate Events".

This is a little off topic but why are McDonalds the official restaurant of the Olympics? I mean, hamburgers and fries hardly promote athleticism. Isn't it more suiting if McDonalds were the official restaurant for 'obesity' or 'regret'? Actually, can we even call McDonalds a restaurant? Aren't restaurants supposed to sell things that qualify as food? If you said you took your girlfriend out to a restaurant, I would imagine a place filled with well dressed patrons ordering expensive meals off a leather bound menu and then sipping wine by candlelight. I don't imagine people in sweatpants and crocs ordering off a dollar menu that is bolted to the wall, and then trying to carry a handful of ketchup cups through a crowd of screaming children.

If McDonalds is a restaurant, then I'm an Olympian.

Kodiak Moment

2010-02-14T23:54:00.005-05:00

Another Valentine's Day already? That's crazy. Just moments ago it was New Years. I guess I should try updating this blog more than once a month.

In any case, I spent this Valentine's Day the same way I do every year: by watching the Winter Olympics, the Daytona 500, and celebrating Lunar New Year. Same old, same old. Then maybe later I'll put on some romantic music, light the fireplace, chill some wine, and then ... if the mood is juuuuust right ... I'll get chased out of that couple's house and they wont press charges.

The Great Thaw

2010-01-20T21:46:00.003-05:00

The following story is based on true events....

Near the end of December my brother and I were facing an ongoing problem with our refrigerator. To put it simply ... the freezer was not working, and hadn't been working for some time. Long did we dream of having frozen foods and the ability to make ice.

Finally, the landlord acknowledged the issue and a new refrigerator arrived. We were delighted.

"Look at this!" I cried, "We have a place to put our ice cream now!"

"You're right," said Darron, "Let's go buy some groceries to celebrate!"

And then two bus rides later, our lovely new fridge was stocked full of goodies. Meats and vegetables and more frozen pizzas than we could ever eat. We were - as the Dutch would say - sitting pretty. We were like two kings on high, or two high kings. The world was our oyster because we now had a place to properly store oysters. Sleep came easy that night.

Less than 48 hours later a discovery was made.

"I think something is wrong with the fridge. Does this feel cold to you?"

My brother picked up a dripping bag of mush that was once broccoli, "I would have to say no."

It turned out that at some point the refrigerator had thrown in the towel and stopped working. The freezer was now filled with soggy boxes and rapidly thawing meat, and the fridge was filled with warming dairy products. It had decided not to simply break, but turn into a micro sauna. The landlord was contacted, promises were made, but more pressing issues were at hand.

"We'd better find a place for this food, stat." Darron said knowingly, and I agreed.

The food had basically only two places to go: Outdoors in the world's giant icebox I call 'winter' ... or ... in our stomachs. And so the race was on. The next few days were spent eating as much of the food as possible, and/or storing it outside our windows in bags or burying it in the snow like dogs hiding precious bones.

After days of practically camping in our own apartment, a repairman arrived and tackled the fridge. Parts were replaced and a mere three hours later, it was up and running again. Darron and I cried tears of joy and merrily moved everything back indoors to the fridge. The next day we restocked it to optimal levels, and the day after that the fridge stopped working ... again.

"This can't be." Darron said as he headbutted the cabinets.

But it was and the cycle began anew. The landlord was called, the repairman was called, and food was moved back outdoors. Each meal became an annoyance, and making so much as a bowl of cereal was a pain in the ass. The days rolled by, and the fridge remained sickly warm inside.

"That fridge is cursed." I muttered from time to time. "The Ark of the Covenant would keep drinks colder."

The repairman arrived a second time and spent several more hours fighting the great white beast. Before long it was working. Hooray! High fives and refreshing drinks were exchanged all around. About twenty four hours later, the fridge reverted back to "slow-cooker" mode.

"The fridge is broken again." Darron sighed.

"Shut your mouth, that's impossible." I said, and promptly kicked a desk in half.

My brother and I had to once again rescue the food. We called the useless landlord and his useless repairman and demanded that things be set straight.

"I can't believe this has happened again," the landlord said stupidly.

"Indeed."

"You'd better put your food in the trunk of your car. That way the food wont spoil before we can get this fixed." the landlord suggested.

"Uh-huh." I said gripping the phone tightly, "That would be a great idea if we had a fucking car! But don't worry, we've already worked out a system during the last couple of weeks living like arctic cave people."

Admittedly the repairman was quick to return and fix the fridge again. Well, it's hard to say 'again' since it hadn't been fixed once in the first place. In any case, after it was up and running once more he said, "If it gives you any more trouble, we'll switch it with a new fridge right away."

"Cool," growled Darron, "That also would have been an option when you replaced our first motherfucking fridge!"

But tempers - and the refrigerator - cooled quickly. The food was transferred back and life could return to normal. As we all know, the third time is the charm. Except this fridge had been conjured by Satan and stopped working a fourth time the very same night.

"The fridge ... is warm again." I told my brother, and we laughed and laughed. Laughed long into the night until our throats bled.

In the end, the landlord acquired sense and the repairman kept his word; a replacement fridge was delivered. After five breakdowns and the swapping of three fridges, we finally had a working icebox. A fridge that actually does the thing it's supposed to do instead of demonstrating global warming. How quaint.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a beer. If it's not cold, I may take a human life.

Turnip Upside-Down Cake

2010-01-14T23:21:00.005-05:00

And so we arrive in the glorious splendor of 2010. It seemed like such an unreachable distant date growing up, but here we are. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years celebration.

Of course the new year also marks the 3rd anniversary of Turnipism. That's right ... 3 whole years of this ... stuff. I hope you've found amusement and entertainment in the efforts I've put forth, and I promise to keep the hits coming.Since we're now in 2010 we can soon expect to see all the fancy ass technological advancements that were foretold in Back to the Future Part II. If I don't see some progress on flying cars, self-lacing shoes, and motherflipping hover-boards, I'm going to be super pissed. You've got 5 years, Earth, let's see some self-drying jackets that speak in shitty robotic voices.

Things I Hate: Leave a Message Edition

2009-12-29T21:13:00.008-05:00

You'd think that recording a short audio message would be a piece of cake for most people, but you'd be wrong. Here are the offenders of voice mail and answering machines that have pissed me off all my life.

Loud Fools

When recording a message you should try not to do so at a volume that rapes ear drums. The goal is to be clear, not deafen the listener. Whether it's a greeting or message, it's annoying when you have to strain to hear because your ears are filling with blood and it sounds like the person who called is eating the phone. Also why do so many people record their answering machine greeting during some noisy ass commotion? All you hear is children screaming in the background, music playing, and furniture being thrown into jet engines. How can this concept be so difficult? Record your message when you're in a quiet place, not while ringing in the new year in Times Square.

The Fake Out Hello

Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You call someone, you hear the sound of the phone being picked up and an enthusiastic hello. You start talking and you're suddenly interrupted by "I'm not here right now, please leave a message after the beep". People intentionally make their voice mail greetings deceptive with hello, hi there, or hey how are ya followed by a pause. Why would people do that? I'll tell you why. Because it gives some weirdos a sick satisfaction knowing that their friends are chatting away with a recording.

Letting the Kids Speak

The worst, absolute worst crime you can commit when recording your answering machine greeting is letting your kids do the talking. So many people do it that they must believe in their hearts it sounds adorable. But in actual fact it's confusing and irritating. You might fall for an unintentional fake out hello because you're struggling to decipher the babbling 2 year old. You try and ask to speak to a parent and then you hear the beep. Whether its one toddler, a choir of infants, or the kid and laughing parent combo, it all equals frustration. Just record your message like a reasonable mature adult and leave your kids out of it. Letting a child who can barely grasp language speak for you makes about as much sense as letting your dog answer the door.

Cruel and Cruller

2009-12-06T23:05:00.004-05:00

Well, as much as I like Ottawa, I've finally discovered its fatal flaw.

No Krispy Kreme.

Madness, you say. And you're right. So where can I find the succulent goodness then?

After checking online I've discovered that there are only 4 locations in all of Canada. Just four. And three of those locations are in Quebec! Okay, okay, I am very close to Quebec, but it's bizarre that there aren't more locations in a country as huge and doughnut-loving as Canada.

To put this injustice into perspective, there are 30 (THIRTY!??) Krispy Kreme locations in South Korea, and half of those are in Seoul. Obviously Korea has a larger population, but that's 1.6 million people per location. In Canada, it's 8.5 million people per location. And Canada can't even manage a Kreme for it's capital city? I'm going to have to write to the government and complain or something, if only I knew where they were located....

Much Worse Than Bed Bugs

2009-12-02T23:20:00.003-05:00

We've all seen commercials for prescription drugs on TV where we watch scenes of people "living life to the fullest" while a voice over rattles off an obscene list of side effects. Side effects that seem to easily outweigh the benefits of the drug. Well, I may have just seen the most astonishing one yet.

It's a little product called "Ambien CR", and it's supposed to help people with sleeping problems and insomnia, so they can fall asleep quickly and then stay asleep throughout the night. Sounds straightforward, right? Well buckle up.

Side effects (and I double checked with their website) may include: headaches, drowsiness, dizziness, memory loss, travelers amnesia (if taken during a flight), abdominal and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, sweating, shakiness, seizures-

Okay, woah! What the hell? Already, I think I'll try to fall asleep on my own; being tired ain't so bad. I can't imagine enjoying a full night's sleep if all day I find myself with a throbbing headache, shaking, falling down, throwing up, and forgetting stuff! And yet it continues...

Not only is there a danger of becoming addicted to this drug, but it can also cause changes in a person's thinking and behavior. More side effects include: outgoing or aggressive behavior, confusion, strange behavior, agitation, hallucinations, worsening of depression, suicidal thoughts-

WHAT!!??

I would say that we sailed past "not worth it" somewhere around amnesia, but this is utter insanity. I've never heard of a sleep aid possibly causing suicidal thoughts. Good lord. That would be like "Pepto Bismol" causing hopelessness and self mutilation.

So - if I have this straight - this is a sleep medication that may result in you being sweaty and in pain, aching and cramping, confused and uncoordinated, out of breath with loose bowels, seeing things that aren't there, vomiting angrily, acting depressed or strange then forgetting about it, and wanting to kill yourself.

But you'll sleep like a baby.

Tuition Well Spent

2009-11-24T20:29:00.005-05:00

The Ice Fog Cometh

2009-11-23T23:11:00.004-05:00

Upon checking the weather online earlier today I saw the current weather condition listed as "Ice Fog". Sounds dangerous, like the sort of thing you'd miss work over:

Ring ring

"Hello."

"Hello, Mr. Henderson. This is Carl. I'm calling to let you know that I will not be able to make it to work today."

"Is that so? Why's that?"

"Well ... I'm not sure if you've been watching the weather channel, but looks like we've got a case of Ice Fog rolling in."

"... And?"

"And that's why I can't come into work. It's treacherous outside, Mr. Henderson. I'll have to wait and see if this clears up."

"Carl, this is no excuse. Ice Fog is not dangerous, so be here for your shift."

"No excuse!? Do you even know what Ice Fog is!?"

" ... Not exactly. Isn't it just a freezing fog or something?"

"So, what you're saying is that you want me to risk my life out in that freezing mist of death, just because you can't recognize a threatening weather condition?"

"Now, Carl-"

"Would you want to go out for a stroll in something called Fire Fog? I bet you wouldn't! So what makes you think Ice Fog is any less dangerous?"

"But that's crazy, there's no such th-"

"Have you even looked out a window lately, Mr. Henderson? The visibility outside is a joke. I'd be lucky to get to the end of my driveway before sentient icicles tear me to shreds."

"What are you talking about? Sentient icicles?"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was just speculating a bit. We can't be sure what kills you when you disappear into the icy white abyss of the Ice Fog. I mean, there's still a good chance that your blood simply freezes solid in your veins and your face shatters or something."

"Carl! I have no idea what you're going on about, but this conversation is over! Your shift starts in twenty minutes, and if you're not here, you'll be out of job."

"But Mr. Henderson!"

"What!?"

"I'm sorry I've overreacted a bit. But may we both be logical about this situation?"

" ... yes."

"Okay then, alright. So would you agree that the safety of your employees is important?"

"I would."

"And would you agree that you've already admitted that you have no idea what Ice Fog is?"

"Well, I think it's just some sort of frost-"

"Are you a meteorologist?"

"No."

"So you can't tell me exactly what Ice Fog is, or does?"

"Well no, but I know it's not dangerous!"

"How can you not know what something is, yet know something about it?"

"Uh..."

"Look, would you agree that icy conditions can be dangerous?"

"Of course they can be."

"And would you agree that not being able to see icy conditions is even more dangerous?"

"Well...yes. Absolutely."

"So ... if we are in agreement here, you want me to journey out into some unknown weather phenomenon that poses an obvious double threat? You believe there's nothing unsafe about me wandering out blindly into a slippery cold wasteland? Is that right?"

"Uh...Good lord! How will I get home?"

"Just stay calm, Mr. Henderson. As long as we stay indoors, I think it'll be alright. I'd stay away from the windows too."

"Oh God, oh God. My wife is out Christmas shopping. She may be caught right in the middle of it! I have to call her and warn her!"

"Yes, be sure to tell her not to breath the fog. It may turn her into a snowman."

"Good thinking. Stay safe, Carl."

"I will, Mr. Henderson. I will."

click

Thinking Outside the Box

2009-11-21T13:19:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you see something on a regular basis and you lose sense of how weird it really is. Like litter boxes for example. Who was the first person to realize that a housecat would only do its business in a box filled with sand? Before litter boxes, were cats often found crapping at the beach, and that's how they put two and two together?

That's what's crazy about owning a cat. Not only do you get to buy sand for them to soil, you get to dig through the sand to find their leavings. And this whole thing about cats burying their droppings; how pathetic and untrue is that? Have you ever, in all honesty, seen a used litter box looking pristine? We'd all like to think cats are stealthy clever creatures who cover their tracks, but they are so sloppy and careless that they never actually cover up anything. Most of the time they just shuffle the dirt around, dig a moat for their "loaf", and track litter everywhere.

Tall Tales

2009-11-17T13:55:00.004-05:00

Here's a question. Why are paperback books suddenly being produced taller than usual? You know what I mean? If you haven't noticed, next time you're in a book store observe how paperbacks are the same width, but now are 1/2 - 3/4 inch taller. It's a minor change, but enough to drive me positively nuts.

These new books don't feel right when you hold and read them. They're so tall and skinny that it feels like you're reading a thick pamphlet, or one of those greeting cards made to put money inside. For me, it's not aesthetically pleasing. Now books aren't going to properly fit in some bookshelves. Goddamn it.

I wish I knew the reason for this seemingly meaningless change. It must save on expenses somewhere. But for the consumer, books keep getting more expensive and taller. I want to see a price cut, and more importantly, let's get back to circumcising our books. It's just more hygienic.

Your Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the E.R.

2009-11-16T01:50:00.003-05:00

Today I had my first visit to a gourmet hamburger "shoppe" called The Works, where I enjoyed a crazy burger topped with not only beets and pineapple, but a fried egg as well. All the stuff a growing boy needs.

Everyone at the table decided to get a milkshake and one friend selected a large. The waitress warned him that a "large" milkshake is ... quite large. But he would not be swayed.

The milkshake (or should I say, MILKSHAKE!!!?) arrived in a large glass measuring cup, a little more than a litre of sweet goodness. It was big.

How big was it?

It was so big that it required written permission from a doctor to order. It was so big that if you consumed it all a note was revealed at the bottom saying "call 911". It was so big that lifting it might shatter your wrist. It was so big that it came with an additional table to support it. It was so big that looking at it out of context you'd swear someone was making a triple batch of pancakes, or serving eggnog to a family of nine. It was so big that it may have been the equivalent of drinking an entire ice cream cake. It was so big that standing near it raised your blood sugar levels. It was so big that it was prepared in a cement truck.

Well, you get the idea.

Hogwash!!

2009-11-09T14:30:00.002-05:00

H1N1, or as it's better known, "Media Shitstorm 2009", has really gotten out of control. I'm sick and tired of people carrying around hand sanitizers and sterilizing themselves every time they open a door. And I'm even more tired of each and every news day leading with stories about swine flu. We get it! There's a flu! Just practice good hygiene and don't cough on babies and old people if you become ill. You know ... the way you should behave with every flu season.

Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you that swine flu is not dangerous, because it is. Yet so is the regular old flu. You guys remember avian flu? That was a pretty big deal for a while. So was mad cow disease. So was Y2K. For months the media fear machine was full throttle for all of those things and had the public believing that at any moment the world was going to come crashing down on their heads. And what did everyone do? They ran out and bought flashlights, face masks, and anti-bird lasers.

Today I went to an office and spoke with a woman working there. I introduced myself and offered my hand, but she shrunk away and told me she wasn't going to shake hands on account of swine flu. I have to say I felt offended. It's not like I hobbled into her office covered with boils and sores while clutching a rag filled with my own phlegm.

I suppose people have a right to be cautious in these situations, but this woman had Lysol disinfecting wipes on her desk as well as hand sanitizing gel at the ready. The way I see it, she could have shook my hand like a reasonable courteous adult and then, if the fear of cooties overwhelmed her, sanitized her hands later.

All in all, I have to say that people need to quit living such frightened lives. People get sick from time to time, and that's just the way things happen. It's called your immune system and it's there for a reason. Stop watching the news and buying things out of fear, stop scrubbing yourself like your about to perform brain surgery, and stop cowering away from other people as if they were lepers. If you live in a perfect sterile bubble, that's the first and easiest thing to burst.

Down With Feather Pillows!

2009-10-30T22:57:00.003-04:00

Hello and good day. The recent days have been tiring and strange. Having recently moved to Ottawa I've become overwhelmed by strange bus routes and restaurants that sell shawarmas located on every street corner. If you don't know what that is, it's just a meat pita with garlic sauce and vegetables.

There is still a lot of the city I've yet to see, but I already made the obvious visit to parliament. While there I saw some people dressed up like chickens. Despite my best efforts I couldn't figure out the purpose of their actions and wasn't willing to stand around in the rain to find out. I'll just assume they were protesting the exploitation of large human-shaped chickens.

Anyway, my adventures continue, as well as my quest for income. I gotta go now. I'm suddenly craving a chicken shawarma.

Octoberfest without the Mustard

2009-10-17T13:32:00.004-04:00

Still alive, everyone. But also still without steady Internet. I've been keeping myself busy with fun things like mud skiing, interpretive eating, and juggling cats. Also, I broke out a canvas recently and painted this strange thing. I call it "The Moron Lisa"...

Whilst shopping the other day I stumbled upon two humorous finds. Here's the first one.

If you couldn't pick up on the irony, this special plastic package cutting knife is inside one of those stubborn plastic packages. You'll have to buy a knife in advance just to open this knife. But how are you going to get into the first knife's package?!! With scissors of course.

And check out this crazy crap.

It's difficult to make out, but this giant bouncing rubber ball has a warning sticker on it that says "Warning! Choking Hazard! Contains small parts". Well that's a lie. If you can't tell from the picture, this ball is huge. Your kid would have to unhinge his jaw to choke on this. Doesn't really need a warning, people. If your kid is dumb enough to try and swallow something bigger than a baseball, then your kid is a lost cause.

Anyway, catch you fools later.

Back to the Scotia (Too Tired to Make Sense)

2009-09-23T15:50:00.003-04:00

Just a quick post to let everyone (you know who you are) know that I'm still alive and well. The flight back to Nova Scotia was just as brutal as expected, but I survived. I imagine I'll still have jet lag in November.

Anyway, I still don't have a steady Internet source, but I will update the site when possible. Here's a pic I drew with my shiny new phone. Over and out.