"Halloween": A Halloween Poem (About Halloween)

On this blessed Halloween,

I pray by amber pumpkin light,

That imps and ghouls and spirits mean,

May all have such a fiendish night.

Even though we all grow older,

Don your hats, capes, mask, and mesh.

Sling your loot over your shoulder;

Bite through candied apple flesh.

Brittle leaves and candle rays-

I grin so widely people fear it.

Though I'm mortal other days,

Tonight I am a wayward spirit.

Happy Halloween to everyone out in Internet Town. I'll see you suckers in stupid November!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VI

This week's movie challenge is something I'm going to call "Sketch Theatre". It's pretty simple. The four drawings below each represent a movie title. They aren't scenes from the films; instead it's all about showing the title through word play or a literal depiction.

I hope you enjoy, and I would certainly like to dish out more of these on future Mondays if it pleases those playing along.

Don't over think them too much, but if you're stumped, the solutions are a click away below. Don't peak right away, Jesus frowns upon it.

Costumes for Octoberween

As we near the holiest of holidays, I try to get myself in the Halloween mood. At this point in my life I'm too old to go out trick or treating, and I have no children of my own to take out trick or treating (and then take my cut of the candy from), so it's all about watching horror films and/or eating bags of fun-sized candy bars in the dark. No dressing up for this fool.

But for those of you who are still likely to break out a costume, may I suggest some of these new costumes that I feel will soon catch on.

I Sleep in the Pretzel Position

I woke up the other day with a muscle cramp in my chest. What does that mean? I've gotten these things in my legs before and all I can do is stretch my leg out and cry like a girl. But when you get one around the bottom of your rib cage because you slept in a bad position folded up in thirds, what do you do? Ask someone to grab both your arms from behind and kick you in the back? I must be incredibly out of shape. Time to do a hundred crunches before bed without stretching.

I need to obtain a more active lifestyle, but I often end up doing something wrong and hurting myself. Long time readers of my blog will know that on one of the only attempts I made to play basketball, I broke my finger. I'm afraid that if I take up jogging both of my knees will explode.

Plus I need to quit with all the eating and such. No more Cheeto sandwiches for breakfast, and no more pie eating contests in the middle of the night. It'll be baby steps.

It's not my fault that I've gotten fatter since coming back to Canada. It's not my fault that every holiday is centered around eating until you get chest cramps. It's not my fault that every commercial when the sun goes down is advertising salty, greasy food porn. It's not my fault this society and culture is made up of a bunch of gravy gorging ogres who stomp their foot once for super-size, and rev their electric mobility carts twice for extra cheese.

That reminds me... KFC's Double Down burger is just one more step towards the apocalypse we all know is coming. We are this close to McDonald's introducing a sandwich with the meat of nine different animals called the Zoo Burger.

Where was I? I'm a victim here! It's not my fault that something something angry words! Since I buy, cook, and consume the food that makes me fat, am I really to blame? Well, yes actually. That's exactly what it means.

Wow! I think I've realized something really important; I've finally begun to accept the fact that I'm the source of my own pain and lifestyle of excess. A breakthrough of this magnitude deserves a reward.

**slaps taco out of own hand**

NO! Bad Shane!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round V

While you're busy sulking and being miserable at work, please ponder this new set of movie puzzle/trivia. This week's game I'm going to call, "Character Connection" ... yeah, why not. I love me some alliteration.

How does it work? I'll give you the names of two characters and you'll have to figure out what movie the two actors who played those characters did together. For example, if I give you Steve Zissou + Black Widow, the answer is going to be Lost in Translation. Because Steve Zissou was played by Bill Murray in Life Aquatic, and Scarlet Johannson played Black Widow in Iron Man 2. And Bill and Scarlet were both in Lost in Translation. There you have it.

Keep in mind that the two actors in the final movie don't have to be main characters, they are just two people who starred in the same movie. So give these a shot and feel free to leave some challenges of your own in the comments.

1) Woody + Amelie

2) Shaft + The Fly

3) Dorothy Gale + The Hulk

4) Catwoman + Dark Helmet

5) Lex Luthor + The Grand High Witch

6) Batman + Lara Croft

7) The Devil + Shrek

8) Judge Doom + Frodo

9) Ferris Bueller + Darth Vader

10) Gandhi + Zeus

Give up? Click below.