Cine-Verse! Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey (2011)

If you asked me if I was very fond of Elmo,

A famous muppet worn up to the elbow,

I would reply quickly with a confident "Hell, no!"

And proceed to compare him to shrieking red jello.

But below all that fur is a passionate man,

Who grew up doing voices, sewing puppets by hand.

It's a hobby that no one would dare to call bland,

But of course not an interest we all understand.

He practiced day and night on his creature creations,

And soon worked kids' shows on small TV stations.

The road to Sesame Street, well, it takes dedication,

And soon he earned Jim Henson's admiration.

I once thought Elmo was kind of a bore.

Just a "Tickle-Me" toy propped up in a store.

But's he's a symbol of love that millions adore,

And a hard working guy crouched down on the floor.

Screwy Brew

I'm sorry to say that since I've moved to Ottawa I've experienced some of the worst customer service and poor food preparation I've ever seen in my life. It seems these days that anytime I buy something to eat or drink, there's a high chance that something awful is about to happen. Let me give you some examples that have occurred over the last year ...

I bought a piece of lemon loaf at a coffee shop and after eating a couple bites and realizing something was wrong I flipped it over on the plate and found it was covered with fuzzy green mold.

I bought a loaf of bread from a local bakery and when I reached the halfway point of the loaf I discovered a giant fly cooked into one of the slices.

I picked up some chicken curry for takeout one night. For the next three days I was incapacitated with food poisoning.

Tried out a popular pizza place and was virtually ignored by the staff for the entire meal. A couple days later, I discovered the restaurant had overcharged my credit card, and I had to go back twice more to get the overcharged money back.

Bought pasta from a lunch shop, found long black hairs in it.


I should note that I'm not a dick of a customer. People would tell you that I'm a very calm, patient person. In situations such as these I never yelled at anyone, made a scene, or made crazy demands. I always try to act polite and friendly, and when situations like these come up I only ask for the issue to be resolved as reasonably as possible. Most times I've been met with indignation, rudeness, denial, or indifference. I don't really understand why. What ever happened to customer service? Or apologizing for a mistake? Or being attentive when preparing and serving food?

But I haven't even got to the worst part. Two months ago I bought a large latte from a coffee shop I've visited hundreds of times that's around the corner from my house. I brought the drink home, was sharing it with a family member when we suddenly realized the cup made a rattling noise when you tipped it from side to side. Confused? I was. We brought it to the sink and slowly poured out the rest of the coffee and discovered the following inside: 4 needles, 2 push pins, a thumbtack, 2 screws, and a plastic ring. ...!...

Don't believe me? I understand, I wouldn't believe it either, so here are the pictures.

Now it's one thing to find a hair in your pasta, it's another thing entirely to find a toolbox in your coffee. How does one let that happen? I immediately went back to the coffee shop to find out.

Turns out a bunch of pins and tacks for the coffee shop bulletin board was kept inside ... an espresso shot glass ... on a shelf ... with other espresso shot glasses. What a clever place to store your knick-knacks! And my drink was mistakenly prepared using said glass. It turns out that the barista had taken the transparent glass off the shelf, filled it with espresso, poured those contents into a paper cup, and added steamed milk, without ever noticing that it was filled with numerous sharp metal objects. Gwuh?

The employees were as shocked as I was, and apologized profusely. I was offered a drink of my choice, but strangely I had lost my appetite for coffee. On the bright side, I noticed the metal objects before swallowing a needle or choking to death. Yaaay!

I've come to the conclusion that either (A) Canadian businesses have lost all sense of professionalism or attentiveness ... or (B) I have the shittiest luck imaginable. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to cook at home more often, because I'm slowly eliminating all my choices outside.

Anyway, I've ranted enough. What do you think, people of the Internets? Has the food industry gone to shit? Have any horror stories of your own? Feel free to comment. If you need me I'll be over here panning my food for screws and nails.

Mitch & Roland: #66 Cinnamon

Ectorgasms

Mitch & Roland: #65 Cursed

Just Take The Compliment!

It's In My Hair! It's In My Hair!!

Yesterday I went out for a late evening walk and when I returned home I had a mini freak out.

As I came up the stairs to the second floor hallway I saw something bobbing through the air toward me and then whiz by my legs. I thought at first it was a bird that somehow got trapped indoors, but when it got to the end of the hall, turned, and gained altitude as it approached me, I knew it was no bird. It was a bat.

"Oh shit!" I cried out. My reaction next was less than manly. I behaved more like a frightened teenage girl from any horror movie when she is being pursued by some monster or killer or giant bloodthirsty bat.

I scrambled for my keys and ran for my apartment door, ducking and yelling each time the bat flew by my head. It continued to travel up and down the hall while I struggled to find the right key. My heart was pounding, my palms sweaty, and a leathery demon was on hall patrol.

So, anyway, I made it inside safely. I don't know how the bat ended up getting in the apartment building, and I didn't have the nerve to go back out and deal with it. I'll leave that for the other tenants. Yep, I'm a good neighbor. Great, even.

Sure it was a shocking experience, but didn't a young Bruce Wayne also have a similar traumatic bat-related situation? Does this mean that I too may also become a crime fighting hero? Does it mean I will dress up like the creature that frightened me so that I may strike fear in my enemies? Does it also mean that I like to jump to conclusions? One of those is probably true.