Watching TV for Free

After years of neglecting my needs I finally own a new flatscreen television. I waited so long that I actually feel the need to describe it as "flatscreen" even though it's the standard now. In any case, I'm now experiencing media in stunning high definition the way Santa Christ intended. It feels good. Real good.

I've paid for basic cable for years and have felt ripped off the whole time. Not because the content sucked, but because it felt overpriced based on what I watched, and how much. Why pay for around 60 channels when I'm only going to routinely watch 4 or 5?

I decided to try out a little DIY project that had been on my mind for a while: an over-the-air (OTA) digital antenna. With some simple household items and a few google searches, could I be watching TV for free?

I decided to test it out first with the simplest of designs. First I picked up a coaxial to antenna transformer at the dollar store for about $1.50. It looks likes this:

I taped some paperclips to that, attached some binder clips to those, stuck it to the wall, screwed the cable into the TV and searched for channels. I had immediate success with 2 channels. Not only were they coming in clear, it was beautiful 1080p HD clear. It's my understanding that analog TV signals were retired a while back, and now the standard is HD digital. "This is awesome", I exclaimed.

If some paperclips slapped together can pick up a few channels, what could I get with a more advanced antenna? The next design I tried involved aluminum foil. Following a fractal pattern I printed from the web, I cut out the aluminum foil and carefully inserted it into a plastic sleeve. Here was the final look:

The foil antenna picked up 5-6 channels. I was thrilled, but still not completely satisfied. Antennas work better the higher up they are, and my apartment is on the 15th floor. The Internet tells me that numerous channels are being transmitted in my area. My final design would have to be serious to get serious results.

I swung by a Home Depot and picked up a piece of wood, some steel wire, washers, and screws. Using another design I found online I measured out and built my very own bowtie antenna:

After fiddling with the positioning of the antenna and doing various channel scans, I began picking up 15-20 channels. Again, nearly all of them in HD. It's nice to have something so simple work out so well.

Of course, bad weather will occasionally mess with the signal and antennas have to be shifted around sometimes. I recommend giving it a shot ... but your success will depend on the reception of the channels broadcast near you. If you're interested, search out the reception in your area, and then you'll know if it's going to be worth your time to screw some coat hangers to boards.

So to wrap up, before I was paying around $50 a month for TV service, and now I'm enjoying all the same shows with an antenna that cost $10 to make. Between my homemade antenna, Netflix and the Internet, I feel like my TV needs are covered. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!

Would You Mayan If We Took Your Guns Away?

We did it, everyone! We survived the greatest Doomsday prediction of all time ... since that last one. I like that Doomsday scares are always wrong without fail. In a world filled with uncertainty, at least we can count on that. Pro Tip: Now's the time to buy your new Mayan calendar. They always get cheaper once the new calendar starts.

Yep, you'd think with the track record apocalyptic predictions have had, people wouldn't make a big deal each time, but here we are.

Speaking of not learning from the past ... the recent events in Connecticut have filled me with equal parts sadness and anger. This shit has got to stop. It's simply astounding to me that so many Americans refuse to acknowledge the connection between easy access to guns  and frequent deadly shootings. 

It's reported that there was a spike in gun sales in the days immediately following the shooting as people rushed out to stock up on semi-automatic weapons. Are you fucking kidding me, America? What part of "20 children were murdered with legally purchased weapons" don't you get? You'd think this would be a time of reflection and banding together to reduce the threat of gun violence. No. Instead it's a panic to buy as many guns as possible before someone takes them away. That would be like a rise in flights being sold on September 12th.

Apparently the American mindset it this: If I buy a gun my family is safe and I'm a true patriot. If I buy more guns my family is safer and more patriotic. If everyone in the neighbourhood buys guns, we are the safest, patriotic-est street in town. If everyone in the COUNTRY owns a gun, I am invincible and Jesus will descend from the clouds on a red, white, and blue eagle of justice and hand feed me an apple pie from a rifle-spoon.

As a group, Americans have an amazing ability to not learn from mistakes. You can present them with clear evidence of dangers their lifestyles cause and they still become more obese and more in debt and more heavily armed by the day. It's like watching a country slowly implode. 

Here's an idea. I've heard that some police officers in training have to experience being tased or pepper-sprayed to gain an appreciation for the weapons they may be forced to use one day. I don't know if it's a common practice, but some training academies do it. Why don't we apply a similar rule to owning a gun? You can own a gun, but you have to get shot first. Once for every gun you want and once more for every box of bullets.

It's not a solution to this problem, but maybe you would see a dramatic drop in gun sales. Which is what should have happened after Sandy Hook.

Biblical

If the Bible is so great, then why is the word "biblical" mostly used in negative ways. Most of the time when I hear this word it's being used to describe a massive natural disaster, like the recent Hurricane Sandy. Nobody describes a happy moment in their lives as biblical. You wouldn't say your wedding was biblical unless there were fire-tornados throwing frogs around. A more appropriate use of the word would be, "That new Nicki Minaj video was quite biblical."

Speaking of Nicki Minaj, aka "The Queen Bee of the Oompa Loompas", I saw one of her music videos for the first time recently. Holy hell, it was like being assaulted by bright colours and bulbous asses.

A friend who also saw the video commented, "I don't like her, she looks crazy and aggressive."

"How so?" I asked.

"Well just look at her face."

"She has a face!?" I exclaimed.

I can think of watching music videos a decade ago with friends and mocking them to no end, ranting and raving at the state of popular music. Sadly, pretty much any video I thought was over-the-top then seems tame now. Are things just going to get crazier and crazier like this forever?

Over the generations there's been a number of moments in music history that have shocked and offended people. Elvis gyrating his hips. Ozzy biting the head off a bat. Sinead O'Connor ripping up a picture of the pope. Madonna's oversexed image in the eighties. Janet Jackson's tit at the superbowl, ... etc. How many of these things seem like a big deal now?

Just wait until 2022 when some unfathomable "artist" with neon glowing hair and lazer nipples makes a music video where they literally have sex with a robot dragon made out of genitals, it will make Nicki Minaj and all those who came before her seem wholesome by comparison. If that's not what happens, it'll be something even crazier we haven't imagined yet. Something super biblical.

Cine-verse! American Beauty (1999)

**To the tune of The Brady Bunch Theme**

Here's a story of a screwy father

Who really wants to bone his daughter's friend.

He quit his job and now ... wants to get high.

He says he'll be dead in the end.

And here's a story of perfect mother.

Who really wants to be a true success.

She sleeps around and learns ... to shoot a handgun.

Turns out she emotionally a mess.

And here's a story of their really fucked up neighbours.

There's a boy and constant filming is his bag.

His mom is like a robot at the table.

His abusive father is afraid that he's a fag.

American! American! That's the beauty of being American!

8/10

Milestones

This is my 400th post and boy, how the time has flown. I suspect I should be able to get in 10 or 15 more posts before the Giant Space Worm devours us all or whatever it is people are worried the Mayans predicted. I didn't really pay attention during Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Not only that, but I've just finished my 50th list over at Five-O-Rama and it's a doozy. Have a look if you're interested in television and things that are awesome.

Cine-Verse! The Expendables 2 (2012)

Bullets and muscles and who do I see?

Why, it's Willis and Norris and Statham and Li.

Sylvester and Arnold and Dolph and Jean-Claude,

Each one of them a notable action film God.

They mow down the bad guys with showers of lead,

Leaving hundreds and hundreds of nameless foes dead.

They may fight for vengeance, or something like that.

But the story felt empty and personalities flat.

They crack boring jokes about being elite,

And stand around looking like grizzled old meat.

I enjoyed watching legends and stuff blowing up,

But was hoping for more than them just showing up.

7/10

Rollback Savings?

Walked by an "adult entertainment" store the other day and noticed a sign that was advertising dildos. Prices started at $1.87 an inch. I can't say I'm very familiar with the fake schlong market, so I don't know if that's a deal or not. But I was amused by the idea of buying dildos like buying a length of chain at a hardware store.

I wonder if they have a gigantic wooden spool of dick inside the store. You just unspool the desired amount of wang, hack off a piece, they cap a new head on it, box it, and awaaaaay you go.

But of course there are inherent dangers in keeping a mile of peen in stock:

"Lady, you best get away from that there spool! You get that thing excited and it'll slice the goddamned building in half!"

Defeated by Details

When talking to one of my coworkers today I remarked on their glasses:


"Nice glasses. Are those new?"


"No," she said, "I've had them since Junior High."

As you can tell, I'm not the kind of person to remember details. The only way that exchange could have gone worse would have been like this:


"Nice glasses. Are those new?"


"No. I was given these glasses at birth. They've been in my family for three generations, and I've worn them every day I've worked with you."


"Oh... cool."


I honestly feel like my brain has no capacity to remember features of the people around me. If you confronted me as I was leaving the office and asked me to describe one article of clothing I saw someone wearing at work I would draw a blank.


Deep down I'm afraid that one day I will be the key witness to some sort of crime and give the shittiest description of a human being the police have ever heard.


"So, do you remember what the suspect looked like?"


"Uh, sure."


"Can you describe them? Officer McConnell here will be using the information to create a sketch of their likeness."


"... Okay."

[Long pause]


"Whenever you're ready. First of all, was it a man or a woman?"


" ... I'm thinking."


"Anything at all will help. You're the only person who saw them."


"Um, I'm like 70% sure it was a guy. But don't quote me on that."


"... And?"


"And, I'm pretty certain they had a face."


"What was he wearing?"


"[Long exhale] ...gosh. I guess he or she was wearing a bunch of different articles of clothing. Or maybe it was a one-piece jumpsuit that had different colours. Or maybe his or her body was painted to look like clothes. It's hard to remember. It was pretty dark."


"It was mid-afternoon in the park."


" ... The sun was in my eyes?"


"That's it. You're under arrest for being a clueless shithead."