Mitch & Roland: #35 Delivery

Happy Holidays to all the faithful Turnipites out there. Don't stop believing in random nonsense and the joys of an unexpectedly retarded remark.

I'd stick around, but I've got lazying about to do and Christmas dinner to drool over.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Hopefully like me, you're totally pumped for Christmas. I'm jacked, jazzed, locked and loaded. Christmas was fun in Korea, but it lacked the punch of holidays in Canada. It's been nice to trim a tree, wrap presents, eat homemade baked goodies, and catch a Santa Claus parade on TV.

And I've been listening to a lot of Christmas carols. I think my favorite has always been "I'll be Home for Christmas". It's a real nice mellow, almost sad tune. But there's one line that's always bothered me:

"Please have snow and mistletoe
and presents on the tree"

Right off the bat, who the hell is putting the presents on the tree? I've never seen that, I've never heard of that, and from day one that line of the song has never set right with me. And what about these lines from "Winter Wonderland":

"Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland."

Okay, dreaming by the fire sounds like Christmas to me, but what's this conspiring? And what are these plans we've made and are facing unafraid? Conspiracy, secret plots, and hidden fears - I think anyone would agree there is something ominous happening in this verse. And then what the crap is going on with "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year":

"There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for roasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago"

So everything is running smooth and then the song pulls ghost stories out of nowhere. Ghost stories! Who is telling scary ghost stories at Christmas? Don't bring up Dickens' Christmas Carol, that's a stretch and you know it! Nothing like letting the kids finish toasting their marshmallows and then scare the piss out of them with ghoulish tales of phantasms. Also, what the sweet turtledove are the glories of Christmases long, long ago? I thought at first they meant the birth of Christ and the glorious moment that must have been, but the song specifically says 'Christmases', and I know Jesus didn't have two births. Plus, it's not like they called it Christmas then. Mary didn't cradle her newborn and whisper "Merry Christmas, Jesus. You're just in time, Santa should be here any minute."

The song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is just wrong. Mom’s probably married, unless the kid’s part of a broken family and then I guess she’s just lonely. But that’s besides the point because I know for certain that Santa’s got a wife. Her name’s Mrs. Claus, she lives at the North Pole, and she probably would be very interested to know why her husband is necking with some divorced mother when he should be working.

Oh, and let’s not forget “We Wish you a Merry Christmas”. Look at these utterly screwy lyrics:

“We wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year.”

Telling us once was thoughtful, a second time was a little pushy, but by the time the third Merry Christmas rolls around I’m too annoyed to give a damn about New Years. I wish I could have been there when this song was being written. I’m sure the original fourth line was “and a Happy Christmas” before someone finally told this guy to lay off. Then the figgy pudding marketing people found him.

Big Misteaks

I have long felt that one of the most overrated foods in this world is the steak. For some reason people have put steaks on an upper tier of deliciousness as if it was the greatest form of meat, hell, the greatest meal one could choose. I find steaks can't compete with even a simple food, such as a sandwich.

I think the biggest problem I have with steaks is the inconsistency. Every time you eat one it's a bit of a gamble. Cuts of meat vary, the preparation can be different each time, and who knows what nitwit is cooking it. Half the time I've ordered steak, I've realized two bites in that I've wasted a bunch of money.

Honestly, I don't like paying a bunch of money for a slab of something that may or may not be edible. Gristle, fat, and stringy bits of who knows what. You're just innocently trying to enjoy your meal and bam, a mouthful of earlobe. I don't want to deal with that.

But it's not to say that sandwiches can't be bad. A sandwich is only as good as its construction, but I'd take a sandwich over a steak any day. A sandwich is full of near limitless delicious potential.

Sometimes I'm in a simple mood and I take an easy route. Maybe a peanut butter and jelly, or a sliced tomato on toasted bread. And other times I'm adventurous and want to experiment and I can't put enough ingredients. Deli meats, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, avocados, fresh ground pepper, cheeses, pickles, bell peppers, cucumbers, pineapple, shredded carrot, sliced apple, mayo, mustard, olives, sprouts, the list goes on. A sandwich can be as straightforward or insane as you want, plus you don't need utensils to eat it.

Is that 3000-9000 songs in your pocket?

The Ipod has certainly proved itself to me as being the most awesome music tool I've ever owned. It's just a good tool in general. Last week I had to navigate my way to my basement to replace a fuse and it was my trusty Ipod that shone the way. How's that for thinking outside the box?

In days of yore I used to tote around my discman and half a dozen cds in a backpack to enjoy tunes. Kids today probably know nothing about discs skipping, but that was a constant concern before I 'leveled up' to anti-skip. Cripes, I could hardly walk around with my cd player without it convulsing to a halt every few steps.

I guess that's one of those things that will define my generation. While my parents used to talk to me about 8 tracks, records, and the difficulties in maintaining them, I suppose I'll be regaling my children with stories about keeping my discman steady and parallel to the horizon at all times.

So anyway, when I finally moved up to an mp3 player I used it for years until it basically fell apart. It only held about 30 songs, and from there I made an insane leap to my 30 gig Ipod video. For the past two years I've been utterly spoiled to be able to carry around every song I've ever bought or downloaded in one place. At the same time, I'm filled with the fear having it fall from my pocket and destroy every song I've ever bought or downloaded. With great power comes great responsibility I guess.

At the pace music technology is growing and how much it's changed since I was in junior high I can hardly begin to guess what the next generation will have. My guess is it will be small silver wrist bands that transmit a streaming playlist of every song every recorded to your wireless earphones. And did I mention the earphones are invisible and contain upwards of eleventy billion terabytes of space. Plus when you're bored of listening to songs that do exist, you can set your infinity player to improvise creating songs based on your mood and preferences. Sadly it will take another generation before they can make one that doesn't set parts of your brain on fire. But that'll be their story.

Mitch & Roland: #34 Cube

Hook, Line, and Zapper

This week I heard people talking about something called electrofishing and I was surprised to learn what it was about. Actually, I was more disgusted that surprised.

In a nutshell, electrofishing involves using an electric current to draw fish to your boat and capture them easily. With two electrodes in the water (anode and cathode) and the correct current, nearby fish will begin swimming involuntarily toward the anode and then become briefly paralyzed or stunned when they reach it. Sometimes this isn't the case and the fish will begin jumping out of the water, making it even easier to net them.

Right off the bat - what the frig? Is anyone else sort of disturbed by this?

Okay, I'll admit that most of the sites I found talking about electrofishing explained how it's a good way to capture fish alive for surveys and assessing the types and number of fish in ponds, lakes, and whatnot. That's what they are advertised for, but I'm certain this technology is abused ... a lot.

People are zapping ponds and lakes to catch fish. The fish can't do anything but swim to their doom, and then go into a state of narcosis so some jack off can scoop them out of the water. I can't believe they have the balls to call this fishing. It's the equivalent of lighting the woods on fire and waiting by the road for a deer to come running out so you can shoot it.

Mitch & Roland: #33 Treat

Halloween lands on a Wednesday this year, which is a real shame, so I hope everyone is making this weekend their official Halloween shindig. I don't have much to do this Halloween besides carving a couple pumpkins. I still may dump a huge pile of candy on the floor and roll around in it for old times sake.

So to my readers, friends, and family ... may you all have a spook-tacular, boo-tastical, fright-erific, Choco-ween. And here is the second Halloween comic for Mitch and Roland.

Johann "Poppy Seed" Bach

As I perused the Dollarama (Latin for poor), I spotted a music CD titled "Bach and Bagels". I'll let you think about that for a while.

I don't know why bagels are involved. There was even a bagel coated in cream cheese on the cover. When I flipped it over and read the track listing all I could find was musical pieces composed by Bach. None of them seemed to have anything to do with bagels.

Did Bach enjoy bagels? Are the makers of this CD suggesting that I should eat bagels while listening to this music? Will the two complement one another? I have no idea.

Just another delightful discovery made at your local dollar-priced item distributor. I suggest you pick up "Bach and Bagels" and explore the mystery yourself. It would really go well with that cheese grater you picked up that will break the minute you rub anything more solid than a rotting banana against it.