Pre-Pre-Christmas Prep

There's snow on the ground and it's beginning to feel like Christmas. You know when it didn't feel like Christmas? The morning after Halloween. But that didn't stop every goddamn store from busting out the holiday decorations and Christmas goods on November 1st. I didn't even have time to blow out the candle on my jack-o-lantern before I was waist deep in colored lights and tinsel.

I love the Mass of Christ as much as the next garland stringin' fool, but I don't need it to last 3 months. It's 12 days of Christmas for a reason.

Speaking of the 12 Days of Christmas, what a lousy song. It's too damn long. How many times have you given up around eight maids a milking because you knew Jingle Bells doesn't require concentration. I'll tell you how many times ... 38. That's a lot. It's like 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: the Christmas carol.

That is all. Please carry on with your 60+ days of holiday shopping. And to the rest of you, I'll see you at walmart near closing time on Christmas eve.

"Halloween": A Halloween Poem (About Halloween)

On this blessed Halloween,

I pray by amber pumpkin light,

That imps and ghouls and spirits mean,

May all have such a fiendish night.

Even though we all grow older,

Don your hats, capes, mask, and mesh.

Sling your loot over your shoulder;

Bite through candied apple flesh.

Brittle leaves and candle rays-

I grin so widely people fear it.

Though I'm mortal other days,

Tonight I am a wayward spirit.

Happy Halloween to everyone out in Internet Town. I'll see you suckers in stupid November!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VI

This week's movie challenge is something I'm going to call "Sketch Theatre". It's pretty simple. The four drawings below each represent a movie title. They aren't scenes from the films; instead it's all about showing the title through word play or a literal depiction.

I hope you enjoy, and I would certainly like to dish out more of these on future Mondays if it pleases those playing along.

Don't over think them too much, but if you're stumped, the solutions are a click away below. Don't peak right away, Jesus frowns upon it.

Costumes for Octoberween

As we near the holiest of holidays, I try to get myself in the Halloween mood. At this point in my life I'm too old to go out trick or treating, and I have no children of my own to take out trick or treating (and then take my cut of the candy from), so it's all about watching horror films and/or eating bags of fun-sized candy bars in the dark. No dressing up for this fool.

But for those of you who are still likely to break out a costume, may I suggest some of these new costumes that I feel will soon catch on.

I Sleep in the Pretzel Position

I woke up the other day with a muscle cramp in my chest. What does that mean? I've gotten these things in my legs before and all I can do is stretch my leg out and cry like a girl. But when you get one around the bottom of your rib cage because you slept in a bad position folded up in thirds, what do you do? Ask someone to grab both your arms from behind and kick you in the back? I must be incredibly out of shape. Time to do a hundred crunches before bed without stretching.

I need to obtain a more active lifestyle, but I often end up doing something wrong and hurting myself. Long time readers of my blog will know that on one of the only attempts I made to play basketball, I broke my finger. I'm afraid that if I take up jogging both of my knees will explode.

Plus I need to quit with all the eating and such. No more Cheeto sandwiches for breakfast, and no more pie eating contests in the middle of the night. It'll be baby steps.

It's not my fault that I've gotten fatter since coming back to Canada. It's not my fault that every holiday is centered around eating until you get chest cramps. It's not my fault that every commercial when the sun goes down is advertising salty, greasy food porn. It's not my fault this society and culture is made up of a bunch of gravy gorging ogres who stomp their foot once for super-size, and rev their electric mobility carts twice for extra cheese.

That reminds me... KFC's Double Down burger is just one more step towards the apocalypse we all know is coming. We are this close to McDonald's introducing a sandwich with the meat of nine different animals called the Zoo Burger.

Where was I? I'm a victim here! It's not my fault that something something angry words! Since I buy, cook, and consume the food that makes me fat, am I really to blame? Well, yes actually. That's exactly what it means.

Wow! I think I've realized something really important; I've finally begun to accept the fact that I'm the source of my own pain and lifestyle of excess. A breakthrough of this magnitude deserves a reward.

**slaps taco out of own hand**

NO! Bad Shane!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round V

While you're busy sulking and being miserable at work, please ponder this new set of movie puzzle/trivia. This week's game I'm going to call, "Character Connection" ... yeah, why not. I love me some alliteration.

How does it work? I'll give you the names of two characters and you'll have to figure out what movie the two actors who played those characters did together. For example, if I give you Steve Zissou + Black Widow, the answer is going to be Lost in Translation. Because Steve Zissou was played by Bill Murray in Life Aquatic, and Scarlet Johannson played Black Widow in Iron Man 2. And Bill and Scarlet were both in Lost in Translation. There you have it.

Keep in mind that the two actors in the final movie don't have to be main characters, they are just two people who starred in the same movie. So give these a shot and feel free to leave some challenges of your own in the comments.

1) Woody + Amelie

2) Shaft + The Fly

3) Dorothy Gale + The Hulk

4) Catwoman + Dark Helmet

5) Lex Luthor + The Grand High Witch

6) Batman + Lara Croft

7) The Devil + Shrek

8) Judge Doom + Frodo

9) Ferris Bueller + Darth Vader

10) Gandhi + Zeus

Give up? Click below.

Ranch Fresco

I'm currently working on another movie challenge that will be on it's way before long, but I figured I would reveal the answers to Round III's "Movie in the Middle" challenge. Here they are, and if you got all of them correct, your trophy is in the mail. For the rest of you, please accept this imaginary participation ribbon. Moving on ...

I noticed the Subway near my work is hiring; a sign in the window described employees as "Sandwich Artists". That seems like a pretty fancy job title for someone who makes sandwiches. Artist? What is artistic about placing ingredients in a pile according to someone's preference?

"Here's your sandwich, I layered the cheese so that you may see it in greater relief. I really think those tomatoes pop. And you'll be impressed with the squeeze patterns of chipotle sauce I arranged. Yes, the bread is my canvas and I'm a regular Vincent van Toast."

Give me a break. Additionally, I'm sick of every store and franchise wanting me to become a fan of it on Facebook or following it on Twitter. I really really don't need to see status updates for Quiznos or make Dunkin Donuts an Internet friend.

Superheroes That Suck

Here are some sketches I made while in university of some of the shittiest superheroes I could create. Even worse than Jubilee.