The Now Stew....Later

Just so you know, we're all doomed. To support my case, I present McCain's Slow Cooker Solutions. If you haven't seen the commercials, it's essentially a product that makes using a slow cooker even easier. Here's what Norm Purdy (McCain Foods Director of Marketing) had to say:

"Gone are the days when Moms, or Dads, could afford to spend hours preparing a wholesome, sit-down family dinner, so we've done it for them. They just had to take the tub out of the freezer in the morning, open the packaging, pour contents into a slow cooker, add water, and cook on low. When they come home from work, dinner is ready."

Okay, to start...I don't think we should be calling anything that was dumped frozen out of a tub, wholesome. That's just great, the food abominations are running wild in this society, and now we're introducing a big old bucket of meat and stuff.

And why is it that Moms and Dads had no time to prepare meals anymore? As I'm aware every technological advance and invention since the beginning of time has helped to make life easier and to save time, yet it's 2008 and nobody has time to cook.

Also, slow cookers are the simplest cooking tool ever. Where's all the guesswork? Why do we need solutions for our slow cookers? Were there teams of people poisoning or burning themselves and loved ones while trying to master the art of filling a pot with ingredients and leaving it for the day?

This new product is basically trying to take the "slow" out of slow cooking. Who is in such a Goddamn hurry that they need to prepare something in seconds that they won't eat for ten hours or so? Is the whole day not enough time for a person to make one flipping meal?!

Don't worry Mr and Mrs Busy Consumer, we know you're both too busy to put any attention in the food you serve your family, so why not simmer up a tub of anonymous bits. That way you have more time to use your high speed Internet to do instant banking, or go out and use speed pay to buy more electric staplers and motorized hammocks.

Just picture fifty years down the road when people are calling up their parents:

"Hey Ma? Just thought I'd give you a ring, had a quick question for you. I wanted to make some of that Delicious Beef Stew you used to make, but I couldn't remember the recipe. What was it again? Don't worry I got a pen ready. Open....package. Uh-huh. Add....water. That's it? Oh man....water? I'm gonna have to go look for a cup. What's that? Yeah I know it's gonna take all day, but sometimes you crave that old fashioned taste, you know? We'll thanks a bunch, love you, ma. Bye."