Clotheslined by Charlotte's Web

As my hatred for things grow, so does my list. Here are the next three entries of things that suck so very very much.

Spiderwebs

I don't hate spiders outright, they generally mind their own business and build amazing structures that defy logic. What I do hate is that their webs are always colliding with my face. You know you hate this too. You're walking along, enjoying your soft serve cone and then wham, big face full of spiderweb. And you can't just simply brush it off. It's sticky, invisible, and impossible to grab. All you can do is screech like a little girl as you flop about hoping that the spider wasn't in the center when you collided with it. The worst thing is that it usually happens when you're walking somewhere that it wouldn't make sense for a web to be; a web suspended by nothing! There's nothing more aggravating and confusing then to land your face in a batch of web while walking across an empty field.

Stores that Try to Do Everything

Why is it that every big chain store wants to be it's own self sustaining universe? I'm not even focusing on Wal-Mart; this is a more wide spread problem. In the last ten years it seems like every grocery store is expanding to also sell clothes, furniture, toys, electronics, housewares, and everything else under the sun. It seems like these businesses are trying to help people achieve "one stop shopping", but that is quite far from reality. The truth is now you have to go to store after store after store because you can never predict what they may or may not have. Pharmacies sell groceries, grocery stores have pharmacies, electronic stores sell furniture, furniture stores sell electronics, department stores have fast food spots, and fast food spots have playgrounds. It's madness! Okay, maybe it's not that crazy, but it's an issue that is only becoming worse and worse with time.

Pointless Check out Questions

And speaking of grocery stores, I'm getting a little tired of being asked these stupid pointless questions when paying for my items: "Did you find everything you were looking for?". I just mumble something affirmative and try to move the process forward. What do they expect us to say? "No, I couldn't find what I was looking for, but luckily this store sells lots of shit, so I grabbed a pile of something else." "No, I didn't find what I was looking for, though I'm quick to give up, so maybe the fault is with me." or how about "No, but don't worry. Even if I had, it wouldn't have filled the gaping emotional hole in my life."
But even if we answer "No" is the cashier really going to do anything about it? Is she going to drop everything and lead you around the store to help find the missing items? Are you going to demand that action be taken to rectify the situation? No! You're going to say "yes", pay for your crap, and try to get out of there before the long line of angry customers behind you resort to stabbing.

Olympic Fever Part III

First thing, this is my 200th post. Hooray for me. I think I'll celebrate this by punching a wooden post 200 times. Or maybe I'll have a cake, because there is really no other proper way to celebrate anything.

So the Olympics are done. It was an exciting and thrilling time. The Unites states won a total of 480 medals, and Canada won a participation ribbon. Also, the true identities of Aquaman and the Flash were finally revealed.

Anyway, the focus of this final Olympic post will be on the subject of mascots. If you hadn't noticed, the mascots designed for the Beijing Olympics were these five cuddly creatures. Created based on China's popular animals there is a panda, a fish, an antelope, a swallow, and ... the Olympic flame. Hopefully children won't start believing that animals love fire because they are best friends.

Of course, there were several preliminary designs and ideas for mascots to represent China for the games. Here are some of the rejected characters that never had a chance to win over our hearts and become marketable toys.

---

Wall-Wall, the Great Divider

Lucky, the Sexual Active Panda.

Chow Yun-Fat, the Actor


Phlegmer, the Happy Respiratory Ailment Cloud.

Bulge, the Speedo-Wearing Buddha.

Mr. Chang, the Nondescript Factory Worker.

Wonton, the Steaming Delicious Egg Roll.

Phallico, the Playful Sea Cucumber.

Po-Po, the Cute Androgynous Large-Headed Character with Huge Dewy Eyeballs.

Mitch & Roland: #44 Winner

Having long been a casino shill, this comic is close to my heart. By the way, why aren't you gambling? Haven't you heard that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that gambling can treat most ailments such as ringworm and the gout. It is also a great source of profit.

Remember, what happens in Vegas, is cured in Vegas.

Olympic Fever Part II

The Olympics continue, and for a long while I was concerned that the Canadian athletes had packed up and gone home. But luckily, some medals have been won. Really the 2008 Olympics should be titled "United States vs. China" but I'm not going to complain. Canada still has a chance to catch up. Although, it may involve cheating, inventing new events, and competing alone.

As I'm sure you've heard, during the opening ceremonies the starring young girl mimed the performance because the actual girl singing (7 year old Yang Peiyi) was deemed as having too fat a face and crooked teeth. That's sad. I thought the Olympics were about promoting goodwill, and celebrating diversity and human achievement. Apparently, having a beautiful singing voice isn't enough to win the hearts of our vain world. If this is how things work, why aren't ugly athletes aren't told to stay home?

Anyway, the Olympics have a long history of controversy. Here's a list of some athletes and the shocking reasons they were disqualified from competing:

---

- Weightlifter Vladimir Chistyakov, discovered to be millions of fire ants in a rubber human suit.

- Gymnast Hana Madsen, was secretly pumped full of helium to maximize airtime.

- Swimmer Derek O'Conner, found to have concealed small outboard motor in ass.

- Javelin Thrower Yasser Farhoud, exceeded limit of two cyborg limbs.

- Diver Samantha Haine, traces of Tylenol found in bloodstream. Performance enhanced by lack of headache.

- Runner Joshua Lamaze, use of flamethrower.

- Volleyball player Ieva Tampaki, hair did not meet regulation standards for bounce and sheen.

- Cyclist Anthony Ecker, using bike that was actually a horse painted to resemble a bike.

- Boxer Robert White, thumped fists together and growled "Hulk smash!".

- Swimmer Misaki Yamamoto, disqualified for having trained harder than was necessary.

Mitch & Roland: #43 Awoke

I'm sure you're all wondering what happens next in the story that's unfolding. Does Mitch defuse the bomb, does Roland marry that walrus, and will Filbert live? All these questions and many more are total lies as the Vegas arc continues.

Olympic Fever Part I

The Olympics are on. If you haven't been watching, shame on you! Have you no respect or interest in the grand history of these games?

If you don't know, the Olympics originally started in 1896 in Athens, Greece when a man hurled a hammer at a beggar and passers-by were impressed by the distance and accuracy of his throw. Since then every four years a rich city has been able to host the games as the world unites to show off their spandex outfits and goggles.

There are so many good events to watch, but here is a list of the events that don't exist, but should. A man can dream, right?

---

- 12,000 meter Breaststroke: In this event there are no placements of medals, anyone who doesn't give up or drown will win gold.

- Pole Vault Archery: Athletes must shoot arrows as they pole-vault. Points are given for how high they are in the air once the arrow is shot, and also how accurate the shot is.

- Pummel Horse: Teams of three are timed on knocking a horse down using their bare hands.

- Octathlon: Running, shooting, biking, boxing, strangling, fencing, moonwalking, swimming.

- Synchronized Wrestling: Two opponents must fight one another and pretend as if they are looking in a mirror, mimicking the other person's movement.

- Heavyweight Spine Lifting: Athletes will have their legs bound with large splints to prevent them from bending their knees and must lift varying weights. Points given for style, not moving legs at all, and remaining silent.

-Cross-Country Rowing: Two boats of six rowers each will race through 500 meters of water, press on as they reach the shore and race another 100 meters up the beach and across a street.

- Cat Throw: A hurling competition where athletes must toss a cat as far as possible. Now, just so you realize I'm not being cruel, the player will be disqualified if the cat dies.

- Relay Javelin: Another hurling event that incorporated running. Athletes must run 100 meters with a javelin and then hurl it to their teammate who takes the javelin and runs also. This process must repeat at least three times.

- Equestrian Trampoline: I'll let you work out the details for this one yourself.

- Sporadic Hurdle Basketball: Played on a modified basketball court where hurdles will spring up out of the ground randomly and will only retract once they are jumped over.

Mitch & Roland: #42 Flight

You may want to check out episode 41 before viewing this one. I know it's not the usual form to have a continuing story, but... meh.