Willy, Kat, and the Sea of Hats

Man, did you see that royal wedding thing on the television box? It was dang festive, it was. Sure it disappointed on some levels. There was no traditional fitting of the glass slipper, and not once did Queen Elizabeth whip her big hat into the crowd and wail on a guitar.

And where were the pyrotechnics? You're telling me they couldn't arrange some golden firework show, or even one exploding dove? For shame! I don't know much about these sorts of traditions, but where was all the spectacle of William and Kate entering Westminster Abbey on a bejeweled elephant while tuxedoed monkeys with sparklers do back flips?

Oh well. All in all it wasn't so bad. It's not very often you see something like this. I'd recommend it to anyone who enjoys watching 7 hour wedding ceremonies and hundreds of women wearing insane hats. Seriously, what was with the hats? Did these women all storm Lady Gaga's wardrobe?

I heard that you're going to the royal wedding?

Yes, I'm going to wear my meter-wide sun hat with the built in diorama.

Oh yeah, well I'm going to wear my scepter bonnet with a peacock glued to it.

Is that so, well I hear the Queen will be wearing her Omega hat with the plasma dome and lasers.

What a show off.

Cinema-plosion! Sucker-punched and Thirsty for More

Figured I would increase the movie content on the site by sharing my thoughts on ten films I've seen recently. There's no connecting theme here, just that I've watched them for the first time recently. Let the reviews commence!

Sucker Punch (2011)

This is a movie that has everything and means nothing. Watching it was like being punched in the face with a fist made out of stupid. I was expecting something far better from the director of Watchmen, Dawn of the Dead, and 300, but alas, Zack Snyder should avoid writing his own material.

This would have probably been hugely entertaining to me when I was ten, but unfortunately I can see that it's a bunch of boring empty characters engaging in absurd disjointed action sequences that have no real meaning. This should have either been a video game, or it should have focussed on only one of it's ten themes.

House of the Devil (2009)

Lots of house, not enough devil. This movie is filmed in a way that makes it look and feel like it was pulled directly out of classic 80's horror and I really dug that. Not a lot happens for much of the movie but that just builds suspense (or boredom?).

Worth a rental if you like babysitters in creepy situations, and who doesn't? Spoiler alert, the house doesn't burn down like in the poster.

The Illusionist (2010)

While a French illusionist travels around trying to survive in a world that doesn't appreciate his dying trade he encounters a young girl who grows fond of him and tags along on his journey. The more I think about it, this movie is a lot like an animated version of Leon: The Professional, if you replaced being a hitman with being a magician.

It's a beautiful movie I'd highly recommend. And fear not, illiterates! Even though it's a foreign film there are no subtitles to read as the movie is practically devoid of any dialogue .

Buried (2010)

A guy gets buried alive in a coffin in Iraq and spends 90 minutes with a cellphone trying to escape. The movie never leaves his perspective for the entire thing but it's shot well enough to keep it interesting and tense throughout.

I liked it, but I wouldn't watch it again. I enjoy my stuck-in-a-coffin films ala Kill Bill Vol. 2, where you punch your way out immediately and get to more interesting things.

Thirst (2009)

A South Korean vampire movie from one of my favorite directors, it tells the story of a priest who becomes a vampire and the crazy bitch he falls in love with.

I'm not going to lie, this movie is long and slowly paced, but it's got some stellar moments of craziness and violence. I love the creepy characters, the twisted imagery, the sexy conflicts, the dark comedy, and everything in between. As far as vampire movies go, it's truly different, and after repeated viewings it's one of my favorites.

Insidious (2011)

I am disappoint. I really wanted to like this movie. I really wanted to be scared. But I don't, and I wasn't.

A lot of people seemed to really really like this movie, and even the people around me leaving the theater couldn't shut up about how scary and awesome it was. Is there something wrong with me? Have I become jaded?

Occasionally creepy? Yes. Good use of practical spooky effects. Yes. Scariest movie in years? Not even close.

Source Code (2011)

Groundhogs Day meets Unstoppable? Hurrah! Based on one of Phillip K. Dick's 74 million short stories, it's about a guy who has to solve a mystery about who planted a bomb on a train by reliving the same 8 minutes over and over.

It was interesting, fun, exciting, and while the ending left me with some moral questions, I was entertained throughout.

Catfish (2010)

A documentary that tells the possibly true story of a filmmaker discovering the truth behind a girl and her family that he met online. The trailers for this film would have you believe the ending of the film will be some graphic nightmare the likes of Texas Chainsaw, but it offensively misleading.

The ending is still horrifying in it's own way. Whether this is a real documentary or not makes no difference to me because it's presented in a way that's believable either way. A disturbing movie, and more evidence that we need to all lay off the facebook a bit.

Silver Bullet (1985)

This is a movie I would have loved as a kid and probably watched over and over. I have no idea how it slipped under my radar for decades.

If I could sum up the plot in one sentence it would be "Kid in wheelchair and Gary Busey vs. a werewolf". Actually it's not so much a wheelchair but a gas powered death-cycle that can outrace cars.

If any of that sounds interesting, give it a watch. It is so beautifully ridiculous and bad.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (2010)
This documentary was much more interesting that I had expected. It follows the ups and downs of Joan Rivers through a year of her life, and for people who only know her only as the woman who would talk to celebrities about what they're wearing on the red carpet, this film lets you know what a important figure she's been in the world of comedy.

She is a workaholic constantly producing material with an insane schedule that doesn't let up. The movie helps you appreciate both her larger than life personality, but also reveals her insecurities and a compulsion to be in the spotlight. Joan Rivers has had a hell of career and there is no stopping this woman.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VII

It's been a while since I posted one of these. Apologies.

So this one is pretty straightforward and I call it "Hollywood Signs". You must figure out the title of a movie through a series of simple images. Sometimes the color red will help to emphasize some part of the picture. There really not too much to explain. You'll figure it out.

Also, I'm working on some more "Sketch Theatre" movie challenges for some upcoming Mondays. Those have turned out to be my favorite.

Anyway, see if you can solve each row to discover the 4 movies.

Making Salad in a Fifth of a Second

Tired of spending hours in the kitchen chopping, slicing, and dicing your life away? Fed up with those useless kitchen contraptions that take the fun out of cooking? Fear not, for the future of food preparation is here!

It's the Hop 'n' Chop!! Over 400 reinforced micro-steel blades mounted inside a cylindrical base that you sit on to chop food in a fraction of the time. And that's not all, with it's specially engineered handlebars and balanced seating it makes dicing and jumping safe for adults and children alike!

Each Hop 'n' Chop comes with a 12 x 12 foot Kevlar cutting mat to save your hardware floors from the razor sharp nightmare that makes preparing meals a breeze.

The secret of the Hop 'n' Chop's power is its design and the way it uses gravity and your weight to cut through the toughest of land mammals. And with hundreds at your disposal you'll never have to replace a dull blade again. The Hop 'n' Chop uses a unique air-powered blade ejection system to fire used blades a quarter mile into the earth. Presto! It's so easy that even Grandma will give it a try.

Take a look at this 30 pound frozen turkey. Place the Hop 'n' Chop over the bird and one jump later you've got perfect chunks for dinner. A second jump makes it idea for soup. The third jump will make refreshing turkey shakes.

From small jobs like chopping a few bags of onions, to large jobs like mincing the entire contents of your fridge, the Hop 'n' Chop does it all. It's time to get the whole family jumping for joy in the kitchen, and with the revolutionary Hop 'n' Chop a good easily chewable meal is just a hop, chop, and jump away!

Order now!