Thoughts on Donuts

1. This first thing is really a note to donut sellers. If you have the urge to put a donut in a tiny paper bag, ... don't. The only thing sadder than finding a donut stuck upside-down inside the bag is losing 75% of the frosting when you pull it out. Always put a donut on a plate, inside a box, or at the very least, a flat bottom bag. Face up! I ordered a chocolate dipped donut. I didn't order a plain donut with a chocolate paper sleeve.

2. Did you know that donut comes from an old Dutch word meaning "dessert bagel"? Did you also know that there are three main types of donuts? Well, let me tell you. There are three divisions in the donut family (that I made up).

• Topulus: These are donuts with some sort of decorative and sweet topping on the upper hemisphere of the donut. It could be a type of frosting, sauce, sprinkles, or nuts for example.
• Fillohm: These are donuts with a central holding space for jelly, jam, cream, or custard. It also is made up of donuts with some other fruit filling cooked into the dough, like an apple fritter.
• Glazorai: These are donuts with a complete coating of the outer surface area by a powdered sugar or glaze. You know you're eating a glazorai when there is no conceivable way to hold the donut without becoming sticky or dusted for prints.

Where do old-fashioned plain donuts fit into these categories? Let me put it this way: you wouldn't call an empty pie crust a pie, so I don't think a plain donut qualifies as a donut.

3. It occurred to me one day that we live in a world with "all-dressed" potato chips, and "everything" bagels, but why is there no such thing as an "everything" donut? We need to maximize the potential here. Observe this diagram:

As you can see the three divisions of donuts occasionally overlap. For example, where glazorai and fillohm meet we can find a powdered jelly donut. Or when topulus and fillohm join forces they create something like a chocolate covered eclair. But a donut has yet to be created that appears in the golden zone where all three overlap.

Someday I dream of drinking a coffee and enjoying an uber-donut. A giant beast of a donut that's been glazed, powdered, dipped, sprinkled, and stuffed with five different fillings (chocolate, vanilla, maple, jelly, and Boston cream).

4. Hell, it's about time we start making gigantic donuts and delivering them to homes like pizzas. You could even use the same boxes, just make them taller. Imagine the delight on the faces of kids across the country when dad comes home with a huge birthday cake-sized uber-donut still hot from the fryer and sizzling away in its insulated box. But be careful, Jimmy, that custard is scalding. And don't forget to save a slice of the cruller side for your sister. You know she doesn't like having to pick off all the sprinkles one at a time.

5. I wonder if donuts sales would be negatively affected by marking how many calories each donut has on top of them with icing. Would it have the same effect (or no effect) as marking packs of cigarettes with gross pictures of cancerous lungs? I mean, how would you feel if the donut you just bought had "300" clearly written on it to show how many calories you're about to eat? Would you not it eat? Would you regret not getting the "250" calorie donut instead?

Of course icing each donut with that nutritional information would be a lot of extra work and it's bound to lead to this scenario:

Which brings me to another point. How can you accurately mark the number of calories in a donut when the act of marking them adds to the total calories? I call this problem ...

The Decorated Donut Calorie Conundrum

It seems like the only way to do it involves trial and error. But the process could be made easier by writing numbers with only short straight lines like you'd see on a digital clock. If we imagine hypothetically that a short length of icing is 1 calorie, then you'd know how many calories each digit will add. For example, "1" = 2 calories, "2" = 5 calories, "3" = 5 calories as well, and so on.

If a donut was 300 calories, you couldn't just write "300" on it, because you would have added 17 calories in the process. But you couldn't write "317" instead because that number gives the donut a total calorie count of 310.

So, like I said the best method is trial and error. I discovered that a 300 calorie donut could be marked as "312" and also have exactly 312 calories.

Perhaps if more research went into this problem a mathematical formula could be created to discover which icing numerals would pair best with specific base calorie amounts and still match up. Perhaps the formula could have real world applications that benefit mankind.

Then again, it's only donuts.