The Line

On my way to work I often will pick up my morning coffee at Tim Hortons, as is required of all Canadians by law. Because my commute is long and unpredictable I will sometimes be pressed for time when I get in the lineup.

Invariably when the clock is ticking, the people in front of me are ordering huge quantities of food and drink. When they break out a list of items and begin ordering for 900 people at J.Q. Dumptruck and Sons, I want to begin punching everyone.

Or if they aren't ordering for the entire office, it's just one tedious and complicated order for themselves: "Can I get a large coffee with 2 and a half sugars, one cream and one milk ... no, better make that one cream and two milk. Please don't stir it, and I'm going to need a double cup with the lid on the side. Can I get a tray for that? I'll get one wheat fruit muffin heated up and make a small incision on the top and put one teaspoon of butter - can you do half butter, half margarine? - okay, do a teaspoon of that into the muffin hole. I'll need that in a separate bag and you can put that on the tray too. You know what, though? I'm not feeling the fruit muffin, do you have just a bran muffin? Oh, you already started heating the other one. Don't worry, don't worry. On second thought, I really would rather the bran muffin. Really? Thanks a lot. Look, I don't mean to be a pest but I think I saw you stir my coffee. I specifically requested - yes, I know but... would you be able to give me fresh one? I meant to ask you to make the coffee after the muffin anyway. Now tell me, what kind of yogurts do you have?"

Seriously, it's enough to make me want to ram the person out of the line and go, "Here's two dollars. I want a medium black coffee. And here's fifty dollars if you never serve this self-absorbed jackass again!"

As stupid as that longwinded order was, I based most of it on shit I actually had to listen to. God bless these employees that put up with it day in and day out, but we seriously need a separate line for these twits. Hell, just keep a pot of coffee by the door with empty cups and a place to drop off money and I'm all set.

Last week when I was in line I saw a discarded handwritten note on the counter from an earlier customer that said "CHEESE CREAM BAGEL". For some reason that cracked me up because that's all that was written down. Was someone actually struggling to remember that order for a friend? Plus writing it as "cheese cream" instead of "cream cheese" makes it sound grosser for some reason, and as if the concept was alien to them.

I like to imagine that the guy waited in line for several minutes clutching this note until it was finally their turn and they ordered.

"Okay sir, and what kind of bagel would you like?"

Beads of sweat form on his brow. He looks down at the note again, his hands are now trembling. He checks the other side of the paper but there are no other instructions.

"Uh..." he swallows. Another few awkward moments pass and then he drops the note on the counter and bolts for the door.

About time, I think, and take another step forward.