Stimulation Nation

Since returning from Korea I've noticed a jump in the popularity of energy drinks; a rise that must be something like 1300%. I recall trying a Redbull drink in its wee battery shaped can and thinking, "I don't get it". But now there are about two dozen brands being sold all over the place in containers the size of my thigh.

These drinks are being advertised to people "on the go", but we can all agree that the marketing of products for such people is utterly asinine (eg. Go-Gurt ). Adolescent boys are the ones drinking this stuff, but they don't need energy, and they aren't going anywhere. These are the last sort of jerk-offs you'd want to see all buzzed up. You thought ADD was common before? You ain't seen nothin'!

I'm writing this now as a concerned member of society with friends already caught in the mighty grip of energy drinks. I now present a breakdown of the warning signs that someone you know might be chugging a bit too much energy:

- They always appear to be blurry.

- They no longer drive to work, but instead choose to run.

- While speaking to them you always have to shout over the squeak and groan of their clenched teeth.

- They've sold their bed for a crate of pogo sticks.

- They're hooked up to an intravenous drip of Bawls.

- They return home from school with a dead rabbit in their mouth.

- They go missing for weeks at a time, sometimes returning covered in snow or foreign shrubbery.

- They've punched a turtle more than once.

- When you enter their field of vision they shriek and piss themselves.

Gotta Hide 'Em All

For about thirteen years Pokemon has absorbed money via the population's youth (what? thirteen years...I feel old), with something like almost 500 ridiculous creatures to collect or face ridicule. Now with that introduction out of the way, here are the top five rejected Pokemon and a little info on why they were never allowed to capture your hearts.

Spewachu- Game developers realized that it was becoming repetitive for all the Pokemon to simply shout out their species name as their only means of communication. By creating Spewachu it was hoped to also appeal to children and their love of gross things. The creature never spoke but could only make gurgling noises, choking sounds, and gags. It's only attack was spitting up all over itself and crying. Unfortunately the majority of kids shown early animation and sketches were offended, and the project was scrapped.

Sonimite- In 1999 the franchise introduced a small creature that had astounding hearing and shrieking abilities. The only problem was that it's amazing hearing cause it to scream out in alarm constantly, and those screams of alarm caused it to cry out in terror all the more. In short, the Pokemon never shut up. It appeared in one episode of the show and the film was promptly burned afterwards.

Digliosaur- An early design for an evolved form of Diglett, the Digliosaur would attack other Pokemon and trainers by traveling through the ground underneath them and then bursting out of the ground and screaming "You like it like that!!!?". Parents quickly complained stating that the character appeared to be raping the other creatures. Nintendo tried to deny such claims but couldn't argue that Digliosaur also looked "too much like a wang".

Crabipod- A cross between a blowfish and sea urchin, this smarmy Pokemon is identified as being the first one to have 'attitude'. In early 2001 Nintendo was trying to shake the childish image of the franchise and attract an older audience by introducing Crabipod. The strange quiet Pokemon was known for refusing to fight other Pokemon, spitting, and constantly giving the finger. The character was pulled 72 hours after its release.

Shardmuncher- This winged half vulture frog appeared as a secret character in the Pokemon Crimson and Turquoise game editions, was not only voted as the ugliest Pokemon ever, but also singlehandedly cost Nintendo the most money in lawsuits. Even to this day the character designers refuse to admit that it promotes the idea to children that eating broken glass is fun.

It Makes a Great Gift/ Coaster

The best way to make money is to confuse your customer because ignorance = profit. Why?

Well, I feel that Pixar is one of the finest teams of people making films these days, and the quality and care of each of their projects is unmatched even by Disney's own efforts. I know Disney owns Pixar now, but if they didn't, movies like "Home on the Range" would be their 'big' animation features. And if that was the case, then I submit that the Disney Magic is nearly dead.

But anyway, all this is to get to the point that there have been some spectacularly popular animated features in recent years and it has of course lead to knock-offs.

As I perused the DVD section of my local everything store I noticed a DVD for a computer animated movie about a rat that is a genius in the kitchen; a movie called "Ratatoing".

Ratatoing?!

Holy lack of effort, Batman. These people didn't even try to mask this blatant rip off. It's amazing how these things even come into existence. As far as I can tell, a movie like that is aiming to be bought by three groups of people. Here they are in order of least to most likely to purchase:

- People who have seen and were delighted by the original film and now have a hankering to watch a shoddy duplicate that looks as if it were animated by a team of seventh graders or prisoners.

-People who realize the DVD is a cheap remake and honestly believe it will fool their kids.

-People who think they are buying "Ratatouille".

It's this last and most likely group that concerns me, because I've seen this stuff for years. I can't count the number of times I've dug around in a discount bin of movies and discovered a copy of "The Wee Mermaid" or "The King Lion" or "Snow White and her Seven Dwarf-like Companions". It's just a waste of material and effort, and it's preying upon stupid parents who don't know any better.

This sort of thing happens in the gaming industry as well. For every great game there are 50-60 horrible games that should never be purchased. The only reason those games sell at all is because they contain words like awesome, pirate, and turbo. You'd better believe a game called "Awesome Turbo Pirates" will be a hit. I really feel bad for the kids who begged their parents for a specific game for months and ended up unwrapping "Math Ninja" on Christmas morning. It breaks my heart.

The Changing Face of Communication

It's startling to think of how much cellphones had progressed in the last ten to fifteen years. In the past only the richest yuppies could afford them, and now every Tom, Dick, and Harry are doing three way calling.

I've never been one to keep up with the technological advances of cellphones, which do everything but simply make calls, but I figured it was time to take a look at the big picture and see how communication has developed throughout history.

Year of the Eight

Happy New Year to ye all, especially to my cowgirl. I hope everyone had a liquor-iffic time while counting down the final minutes of 2007. All in all, it was a good year: good food, good times, good laughs.

Not only is this a brand new year, it also marks the one year anniversary of this blog. Hooray for writing and drawing random junk!

So here's to many more years of nonsense via the web. I try to do my small part.

Love you, cowgirl.

Mitch & Roland: #35 Delivery

Happy Holidays to all the faithful Turnipites out there. Don't stop believing in random nonsense and the joys of an unexpectedly retarded remark.

I'd stick around, but I've got lazying about to do and Christmas dinner to drool over.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Hopefully like me, you're totally pumped for Christmas. I'm jacked, jazzed, locked and loaded. Christmas was fun in Korea, but it lacked the punch of holidays in Canada. It's been nice to trim a tree, wrap presents, eat homemade baked goodies, and catch a Santa Claus parade on TV.

And I've been listening to a lot of Christmas carols. I think my favorite has always been "I'll be Home for Christmas". It's a real nice mellow, almost sad tune. But there's one line that's always bothered me:

"Please have snow and mistletoe
and presents on the tree"

Right off the bat, who the hell is putting the presents on the tree? I've never seen that, I've never heard of that, and from day one that line of the song has never set right with me. And what about these lines from "Winter Wonderland":

"Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland."

Okay, dreaming by the fire sounds like Christmas to me, but what's this conspiring? And what are these plans we've made and are facing unafraid? Conspiracy, secret plots, and hidden fears - I think anyone would agree there is something ominous happening in this verse. And then what the crap is going on with "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year":

"There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for roasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago"

So everything is running smooth and then the song pulls ghost stories out of nowhere. Ghost stories! Who is telling scary ghost stories at Christmas? Don't bring up Dickens' Christmas Carol, that's a stretch and you know it! Nothing like letting the kids finish toasting their marshmallows and then scare the piss out of them with ghoulish tales of phantasms. Also, what the sweet turtledove are the glories of Christmases long, long ago? I thought at first they meant the birth of Christ and the glorious moment that must have been, but the song specifically says 'Christmases', and I know Jesus didn't have two births. Plus, it's not like they called it Christmas then. Mary didn't cradle her newborn and whisper "Merry Christmas, Jesus. You're just in time, Santa should be here any minute."

The song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is just wrong. Mom’s probably married, unless the kid’s part of a broken family and then I guess she’s just lonely. But that’s besides the point because I know for certain that Santa’s got a wife. Her name’s Mrs. Claus, she lives at the North Pole, and she probably would be very interested to know why her husband is necking with some divorced mother when he should be working.

Oh, and let’s not forget “We Wish you a Merry Christmas”. Look at these utterly screwy lyrics:

“We wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year.”

Telling us once was thoughtful, a second time was a little pushy, but by the time the third Merry Christmas rolls around I’m too annoyed to give a damn about New Years. I wish I could have been there when this song was being written. I’m sure the original fourth line was “and a Happy Christmas” before someone finally told this guy to lay off. Then the figgy pudding marketing people found him.

Big Misteaks

I have long felt that one of the most overrated foods in this world is the steak. For some reason people have put steaks on an upper tier of deliciousness as if it was the greatest form of meat, hell, the greatest meal one could choose. I find steaks can't compete with even a simple food, such as a sandwich.

I think the biggest problem I have with steaks is the inconsistency. Every time you eat one it's a bit of a gamble. Cuts of meat vary, the preparation can be different each time, and who knows what nitwit is cooking it. Half the time I've ordered steak, I've realized two bites in that I've wasted a bunch of money.

Honestly, I don't like paying a bunch of money for a slab of something that may or may not be edible. Gristle, fat, and stringy bits of who knows what. You're just innocently trying to enjoy your meal and bam, a mouthful of earlobe. I don't want to deal with that.

But it's not to say that sandwiches can't be bad. A sandwich is only as good as its construction, but I'd take a sandwich over a steak any day. A sandwich is full of near limitless delicious potential.

Sometimes I'm in a simple mood and I take an easy route. Maybe a peanut butter and jelly, or a sliced tomato on toasted bread. And other times I'm adventurous and want to experiment and I can't put enough ingredients. Deli meats, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, avocados, fresh ground pepper, cheeses, pickles, bell peppers, cucumbers, pineapple, shredded carrot, sliced apple, mayo, mustard, olives, sprouts, the list goes on. A sandwich can be as straightforward or insane as you want, plus you don't need utensils to eat it.