Since returning from Korea I've noticed a jump in the popularity of energy drinks; a rise that must be something like 1300%. I recall trying a Redbull drink in its wee battery shaped can and thinking, "I don't get it". But now there are about two dozen brands being sold all over the place in containers the size of my thigh.
These drinks are being advertised to people "on the go", but we can all agree that the marketing of products for such people is utterly asinine (eg. Go-Gurt ). Adolescent boys are the ones drinking this stuff, but they don't need energy, and they aren't going anywhere. These are the last sort of jerk-offs you'd want to see all buzzed up. You thought ADD was common before? You ain't seen nothin'!
I'm writing this now as a concerned member of society with friends already caught in the mighty grip of energy drinks. I now present a breakdown of the warning signs that someone you know might be chugging a bit too much energy:
- They always appear to be blurry.
- They no longer drive to work, but instead choose to run.
- While speaking to them you always have to shout over the squeak and groan of their clenched teeth.
- They've sold their bed for a crate of pogo sticks.
- They're hooked up to an intravenous drip of Bawls.
- They return home from school with a dead rabbit in their mouth.
- They go missing for weeks at a time, sometimes returning covered in snow or foreign shrubbery.
- They've punched a turtle more than once.
- When you enter their field of vision they shriek and piss themselves.
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