Stuff That Happened Last Month

So Hungry I Could Mistakingly Eat A Horse!

No doubt you've heard about the horse meat scandal and feel free to insert your own hotdog joke here. But seriously, this is an outrage. Can you imagine how betrayed the meat-eating public must feel to buy the flesh of one quadruped farm animal for consumption and then find out that it's actually the flesh of some OTHER quadruped farm animal? That would be like ordering chicken and being served duck or something. I think I'm going to be sick.

Pope Benequit Says No More!

After many years reigning as the scariest looking pope on record, Pope Benedict broke with tradition and resigned. He claims it was due to declining health, but that hadn't stopped previous popes from doing whatever they do until they shrivelled up into robed raisins. It's too bad that he quit in his prime like that when there are so many that look up to him. I mean, think about it. If all those priests had thrown in the towel after countless accusations, they never would have gone on to be relocated and continue to follow their dreams.

Terror in the Skies!

An asteroid blazed its way into the atmosphere over Russia, briefly distracting youtube viewers' attentions away from the immeasurably stupid "Harlem Shake" fad. The meteor caused a shockwave that injured over a thousand people, and North Korea issued a statement declaring the meteor a complete success and a proud moment for the nation.

False Spice

Mitch & Roland: #68 Birthday

Things Pro Wrestling and Figure Skating Have in Common

Skaters and Wrestlers ...

1. Wear tight, revealing custom outfits, often following a specific theme.
2. Develop signature moves.
3. Have routines that are carefully choreographed but sometimes improvisation is needed.
4. Compete on their own, or with a partner.
5. Perform dangerous jumps and spins, and can be potentially seriously hurt or cut.
6. Pick up other athletes over their heads and sometimes throw them.
7. Choose their own music.
8. Have judging that is very subjective and controversial at times. Some people feel the outcomes are rigged.
9. Form fierce rivalries and have been known to sabotage one another outside the rink/ring.
10. Compete for various titles and build a reputation throughout their careers.
11. Must be strong and agile, but also have a flair for showmanship. 
12. Sometimes look like they're dancing.

Mitch & Roland: #67 Tweet

Watching TV for Free

After years of neglecting my needs I finally own a new flatscreen television. I waited so long that I actually feel the need to describe it as "flatscreen" even though it's the standard now. In any case, I'm now experiencing media in stunning high definition the way Santa Christ intended. It feels good. Real good.

I've paid for basic cable for years and have felt ripped off the whole time. Not because the content sucked, but because it felt overpriced based on what I watched, and how much. Why pay for around 60 channels when I'm only going to routinely watch 4 or 5?

I decided to try out a little DIY project that had been on my mind for a while: an over-the-air (OTA) digital antenna. With some simple household items and a few google searches, could I be watching TV for free?

I decided to test it out first with the simplest of designs. First I picked up a coaxial to antenna transformer at the dollar store for about $1.50. It looks likes this:

I taped some paperclips to that, attached some binder clips to those, stuck it to the wall, screwed the cable into the TV and searched for channels. I had immediate success with 2 channels. Not only were they coming in clear, it was beautiful 1080p HD clear. It's my understanding that analog TV signals were retired a while back, and now the standard is HD digital. "This is awesome", I exclaimed.

If some paperclips slapped together can pick up a few channels, what could I get with a more advanced antenna? The next design I tried involved aluminum foil. Following a fractal pattern I printed from the web, I cut out the aluminum foil and carefully inserted it into a plastic sleeve. Here was the final look:

The foil antenna picked up 5-6 channels. I was thrilled, but still not completely satisfied. Antennas work better the higher up they are, and my apartment is on the 15th floor. The Internet tells me that numerous channels are being transmitted in my area. My final design would have to be serious to get serious results.

I swung by a Home Depot and picked up a piece of wood, some steel wire, washers, and screws. Using another design I found online I measured out and built my very own bowtie antenna:

After fiddling with the positioning of the antenna and doing various channel scans, I began picking up 15-20 channels. Again, nearly all of them in HD. It's nice to have something so simple work out so well.

Of course, bad weather will occasionally mess with the signal and antennas have to be shifted around sometimes. I recommend giving it a shot ... but your success will depend on the reception of the channels broadcast near you. If you're interested, search out the reception in your area, and then you'll know if it's going to be worth your time to screw some coat hangers to boards.

So to wrap up, before I was paying around $50 a month for TV service, and now I'm enjoying all the same shows with an antenna that cost $10 to make. Between my homemade antenna, Netflix and the Internet, I feel like my TV needs are covered. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!

Would You Mayan If We Took Your Guns Away?

We did it, everyone! We survived the greatest Doomsday prediction of all time ... since that last one. I like that Doomsday scares are always wrong without fail. In a world filled with uncertainty, at least we can count on that. Pro Tip: Now's the time to buy your new Mayan calendar. They always get cheaper once the new calendar starts.

Yep, you'd think with the track record apocalyptic predictions have had, people wouldn't make a big deal each time, but here we are.

Speaking of not learning from the past ... the recent events in Connecticut have filled me with equal parts sadness and anger. This shit has got to stop. It's simply astounding to me that so many Americans refuse to acknowledge the connection between easy access to guns  and frequent deadly shootings. 

It's reported that there was a spike in gun sales in the days immediately following the shooting as people rushed out to stock up on semi-automatic weapons. Are you fucking kidding me, America? What part of "20 children were murdered with legally purchased weapons" don't you get? You'd think this would be a time of reflection and banding together to reduce the threat of gun violence. No. Instead it's a panic to buy as many guns as possible before someone takes them away. That would be like a rise in flights being sold on September 12th.

Apparently the American mindset it this: If I buy a gun my family is safe and I'm a true patriot. If I buy more guns my family is safer and more patriotic. If everyone in the neighbourhood buys guns, we are the safest, patriotic-est street in town. If everyone in the COUNTRY owns a gun, I am invincible and Jesus will descend from the clouds on a red, white, and blue eagle of justice and hand feed me an apple pie from a rifle-spoon.

As a group, Americans have an amazing ability to not learn from mistakes. You can present them with clear evidence of dangers their lifestyles cause and they still become more obese and more in debt and more heavily armed by the day. It's like watching a country slowly implode. 

Here's an idea. I've heard that some police officers in training have to experience being tased or pepper-sprayed to gain an appreciation for the weapons they may be forced to use one day. I don't know if it's a common practice, but some training academies do it. Why don't we apply a similar rule to owning a gun? You can own a gun, but you have to get shot first. Once for every gun you want and once more for every box of bullets.

It's not a solution to this problem, but maybe you would see a dramatic drop in gun sales. Which is what should have happened after Sandy Hook.

Biblical

If the Bible is so great, then why is the word "biblical" mostly used in negative ways. Most of the time when I hear this word it's being used to describe a massive natural disaster, like the recent Hurricane Sandy. Nobody describes a happy moment in their lives as biblical. You wouldn't say your wedding was biblical unless there were fire-tornados throwing frogs around. A more appropriate use of the word would be, "That new Nicki Minaj video was quite biblical."

Speaking of Nicki Minaj, aka "The Queen Bee of the Oompa Loompas", I saw one of her music videos for the first time recently. Holy hell, it was like being assaulted by bright colours and bulbous asses.

A friend who also saw the video commented, "I don't like her, she looks crazy and aggressive."

"How so?" I asked.

"Well just look at her face."

"She has a face!?" I exclaimed.

I can think of watching music videos a decade ago with friends and mocking them to no end, ranting and raving at the state of popular music. Sadly, pretty much any video I thought was over-the-top then seems tame now. Are things just going to get crazier and crazier like this forever?

Over the generations there's been a number of moments in music history that have shocked and offended people. Elvis gyrating his hips. Ozzy biting the head off a bat. Sinead O'Connor ripping up a picture of the pope. Madonna's oversexed image in the eighties. Janet Jackson's tit at the superbowl, ... etc. How many of these things seem like a big deal now?

Just wait until 2022 when some unfathomable "artist" with neon glowing hair and lazer nipples makes a music video where they literally have sex with a robot dragon made out of genitals, it will make Nicki Minaj and all those who came before her seem wholesome by comparison. If that's not what happens, it'll be something even crazier we haven't imagined yet. Something super biblical.