There's no disputing it, keeping a New Years resolution is hard. Nearly impossible, even. Here are some helpful tips to stay on track.
January 3, 2014
January 2, 2014
More Things I'm Tired of Seeing on the Bus
A couple months ago I shared some shit I hate about my daily commute on the bus. Here are some more things that make me lose hope in humanity. Remember, kids, complaining not only feels good, it clears the blood of harmful toxins.
Filthy Windows: Nothing emphasizes the feeling of being trapped like have no view of the outside world as you hurtle through the frozen city in a shaky metal box. Shouldn't it be necessary to give the side windows a little wipe down once every couple of days so that we can raise the visibility above 0%? It feels like a safety issue, it's disorienting and depressing for passengers, and basically it makes public transit even less appealing.
The Aggressive Exit: When the bus comes to a complete stop, there's usually a 1-2 second window where the rear doors have not been activated to allow passengers to exit. And yet it's still plenty of time for people to lose their goddamn minds. I saw a guy grab both handles and force this way out in order to save a millisecond. You could hear the distinct grinding sound of parts breaking inside the door as he did it. I've seen people slam their bodies into the door as if they were a rabid gorilla trying to escape a burning cage. Calm down, Coco. I want to get off as soon as possible too, but all it takes is a light nudge on the handles and the doors will swing open like magic. This is an automatic door, not a prison break.
The Aggressive Entry: You would think that adults would understand simple concepts like this one: in order to get on the bus, you must first allow others to get off. Two objects may not occupy the same space simultaneously. Whether it's a public bus or an elevator, people just can't wait to shove their stupid bodies into the next available area. It makes about as much sense as trying to eat while throwing up.
Seat Hoarders: Even when a bus is jam packed with people, there will still be individuals who try to keep as many seats to themselves because they are horrible human beings. Guess what, Grandma, if there are dozens of people standing on the bus, it's basic courtesy to scoot over to the window seat and free up that additional spot. Plus - this may surprise you - your bag is not a person. Move it to the floor, your lap, or sit on it for all I care. It doesn't deserve a whole seat to itself.
Filthy Windows: Nothing emphasizes the feeling of being trapped like have no view of the outside world as you hurtle through the frozen city in a shaky metal box. Shouldn't it be necessary to give the side windows a little wipe down once every couple of days so that we can raise the visibility above 0%? It feels like a safety issue, it's disorienting and depressing for passengers, and basically it makes public transit even less appealing.
The Aggressive Exit: When the bus comes to a complete stop, there's usually a 1-2 second window where the rear doors have not been activated to allow passengers to exit. And yet it's still plenty of time for people to lose their goddamn minds. I saw a guy grab both handles and force this way out in order to save a millisecond. You could hear the distinct grinding sound of parts breaking inside the door as he did it. I've seen people slam their bodies into the door as if they were a rabid gorilla trying to escape a burning cage. Calm down, Coco. I want to get off as soon as possible too, but all it takes is a light nudge on the handles and the doors will swing open like magic. This is an automatic door, not a prison break.
The Aggressive Entry: You would think that adults would understand simple concepts like this one: in order to get on the bus, you must first allow others to get off. Two objects may not occupy the same space simultaneously. Whether it's a public bus or an elevator, people just can't wait to shove their stupid bodies into the next available area. It makes about as much sense as trying to eat while throwing up.
Seat Hoarders: Even when a bus is jam packed with people, there will still be individuals who try to keep as many seats to themselves because they are horrible human beings. Guess what, Grandma, if there are dozens of people standing on the bus, it's basic courtesy to scoot over to the window seat and free up that additional spot. Plus - this may surprise you - your bag is not a person. Move it to the floor, your lap, or sit on it for all I care. It doesn't deserve a whole seat to itself.
January 1, 2014
SEVEN YEARS
Happy New Year, and cheers to seven years of blogging. While I'm happy to be celebrating this important anniversary, I'm ashamed that the amount I blogged in 2013 was pitiful. I have set my new goal and plan to kick things into high gear for a wondrous 2014. Join me, won't you?
That's right. While all of you are making important, meaningful New Years resolutions like losing weight, quitting smoking, giving up betting on monkey fights, etc... I'm here making some important decisions. Such as increasing the rate at which I upload text to the Interwebs.
Here's to another seven! *clink*
That's right. While all of you are making important, meaningful New Years resolutions like losing weight, quitting smoking, giving up betting on monkey fights, etc... I'm here making some important decisions. Such as increasing the rate at which I upload text to the Interwebs.
Here's to another seven! *clink*
November 3, 2013
Power On
Late Sunday night Brian carefully went though his usual routine before bed.
First he plugged in his laptop to make sure it would be fully charged when taking it to work. He also made sure to pack the car adapter plug just in case. Brian then plugged in his cellphone, his tablet computer, his eReader, and his MP3 player to charge as well. Moving to the bedroom he plugged in his electric razor, two different handheld gaming systems, and his trusty electric toothbrush.
Using seven extension cords and twelve battery chargers on his remaining available outlets he began the tedious task of swapping out over fifty-four rechargeable batteries for his wireless keyboard, wireless mouse, four different game console controllers, wireless headphones, wireless speakers, clock radio, and remotes for his TV, dvd player, blu-ray player, stereo system, and electric fan.
He moved quickly between every USB cable, docking station, and power bar, never needing to pause and flip over a plug so it would fit, or second guessing if the correct battery was double or triple 'A'. In a strange way he was a modern master of electronic efficiency.
Brian nodded in approval of his work. His home was now humming and twinkling with dozens of tiny red, green, and blue lights. Brian stopped by the kitchen to set the timer on his coffee machine before heading to bed and quickly falling into a deep slumber. Around 3:27am Brian perished when a raging fire engulfed his home. Firefighters later discovered a half-melted smoke detector with an empty battery compartment.
First he plugged in his laptop to make sure it would be fully charged when taking it to work. He also made sure to pack the car adapter plug just in case. Brian then plugged in his cellphone, his tablet computer, his eReader, and his MP3 player to charge as well. Moving to the bedroom he plugged in his electric razor, two different handheld gaming systems, and his trusty electric toothbrush.
Using seven extension cords and twelve battery chargers on his remaining available outlets he began the tedious task of swapping out over fifty-four rechargeable batteries for his wireless keyboard, wireless mouse, four different game console controllers, wireless headphones, wireless speakers, clock radio, and remotes for his TV, dvd player, blu-ray player, stereo system, and electric fan.
He moved quickly between every USB cable, docking station, and power bar, never needing to pause and flip over a plug so it would fit, or second guessing if the correct battery was double or triple 'A'. In a strange way he was a modern master of electronic efficiency.
Brian nodded in approval of his work. His home was now humming and twinkling with dozens of tiny red, green, and blue lights. Brian stopped by the kitchen to set the timer on his coffee machine before heading to bed and quickly falling into a deep slumber. Around 3:27am Brian perished when a raging fire engulfed his home. Firefighters later discovered a half-melted smoke detector with an empty battery compartment.
September 6, 2013
Less is Less: A Short Story About Cake
Long ago humans desired sweets and an excuse to consume sweets at any opportunity. Great minds came together and the cake was created. Any and all celebrations were instantly enhanced.
Later as the popularity of cakes grew the ease of personal cake transport became a concern. While a slice of cake was nice, a miniature version would be easier to consume on the go. Soon the cupcake made shockwaves of joy around the world.
The popularity of the cake held strong for ages, but then some jackass decided he could get away with selling a single bite of cake and created Cake Pops: a frustrating amount of cake at an inexcusably high price sold on a stupid stick. Ugh.
Society pulled its hair out in anguish at this cake farce. "What's next", they demanded to know while flipping cop cars over in the street, "are you going to sell plastic spoons with a tiny bit of pie and call them 'Spoon Pies' and sell them for $2.50 a piece?"
"I don't know," replied the Council of Baked Goods, "Would people buy that?"
"Probably!" screamed Society. "I'm sure if you sell them in stupid boutiques and coffee shops some idiots would buy them. All you need to do is slap the word 'gourmet' on it."
"Hmmm, good thinking." The High Elder nodded in approval.
"NO! Don't actually do that. We're being sarcastic!" Society crumpled to the ground in tears. A nearby convenience store in flames began to collapse.
"The Council has spoken!" The booming voice of the Grand Cake Pope echoed across the land. "From now on all baked sweets must be sold in portions no greater than my thumb. Preferably on a stick, or served in a thimble."
Later that week all the remaining full sized cakes were confiscated and divided up into millions of portions. Darkness fell across the land and somewhere a baker cried into his apron. Mini-Cake Pops were created, then the Micro-Danish, and later Banana Bread Crumb-ettes.
Soon obesity and many of the health conditions caused by excess weight disappeared entirely. Everyone was healthy and thin, but depressed because they were completely broke from buying a tenth of an ounce of fudge.
Society spent the last of their resources to build giant rocket ships and flee Earth, roaming the cosmos in search of more reasonably sized desserts. The Council Elders sat glumly on their piles of gold, alone with their greed on a joyless planet. A few months later the Earth exploded because it was really sad.
The End
Happy Friday, everyone! Have some goddamn cake.
Later as the popularity of cakes grew the ease of personal cake transport became a concern. While a slice of cake was nice, a miniature version would be easier to consume on the go. Soon the cupcake made shockwaves of joy around the world.
The popularity of the cake held strong for ages, but then some jackass decided he could get away with selling a single bite of cake and created Cake Pops: a frustrating amount of cake at an inexcusably high price sold on a stupid stick. Ugh.
Society pulled its hair out in anguish at this cake farce. "What's next", they demanded to know while flipping cop cars over in the street, "are you going to sell plastic spoons with a tiny bit of pie and call them 'Spoon Pies' and sell them for $2.50 a piece?"
"I don't know," replied the Council of Baked Goods, "Would people buy that?"
"Probably!" screamed Society. "I'm sure if you sell them in stupid boutiques and coffee shops some idiots would buy them. All you need to do is slap the word 'gourmet' on it."
"Hmmm, good thinking." The High Elder nodded in approval.
"NO! Don't actually do that. We're being sarcastic!" Society crumpled to the ground in tears. A nearby convenience store in flames began to collapse.
"The Council has spoken!" The booming voice of the Grand Cake Pope echoed across the land. "From now on all baked sweets must be sold in portions no greater than my thumb. Preferably on a stick, or served in a thimble."
Later that week all the remaining full sized cakes were confiscated and divided up into millions of portions. Darkness fell across the land and somewhere a baker cried into his apron. Mini-Cake Pops were created, then the Micro-Danish, and later Banana Bread Crumb-ettes.
Soon obesity and many of the health conditions caused by excess weight disappeared entirely. Everyone was healthy and thin, but depressed because they were completely broke from buying a tenth of an ounce of fudge.
Society spent the last of their resources to build giant rocket ships and flee Earth, roaming the cosmos in search of more reasonably sized desserts. The Council Elders sat glumly on their piles of gold, alone with their greed on a joyless planet. A few months later the Earth exploded because it was really sad.
The End
Happy Friday, everyone! Have some goddamn cake.
September 4, 2013
Things I'm Tired of Seeing On The Bus
Baby Strollers: There needs to be a limit on the number of strollers allowed on a bus at any given time. I'm suggesting 1, preferably zero. Also, why are baby strollers doubling in size every year? It looks like these parents are trying to push a combination lawn swing, Vespa, and wheelchair on the bus and it's not going to be pretty. There's already a traffic jam outside the bus, we don't need another one inside the bus.
Dumb Baseball Caps: If you're going to wear a cap, just wear the damn thing. Don't leave it lightly resting atop your hair looking like a plastic lego accessory, just wear it! Take off the size sticker and press it onto your stupid skull before I do.
Moron Parents: Please watch your kids. Don't leave your pack of shrieking kids at the front of the bus while you sit at the back because there was a seat free, then proceed to shout at them every half-minute telling them to settle down. Don't be a backseat parent, just watch your kids.
Ripped Jeans: If the holes and rips in your jeans are so numerous and gaping that you would be more concealed wearing shorts ... then you're officially just draping your legs with garbage. Get off the bus at the next available stop, find a mall, and becoming a functioning human being.
People Who Reek (aka The Skuzz): If you can't be bothered to rinse your body off every now again, do not put yourself in an enclosed metal box with limited ventilation. And don't just empty a can of Axe body spray on yourself and then think everything is okay. You're just trading one stench for another.
Cellphone Shouters: Think your conversation is important enough to share with 20-30 strangers? It's not. Get the fuck off the phone. I have yet to hear one single phone call on a bus that seemed important enough to warrant yacking one's face off in public. The time has come to start ejecting people off the bus against their will, then maybe they'd actually have something worth talking about.
Dumb Baseball Caps: If you're going to wear a cap, just wear the damn thing. Don't leave it lightly resting atop your hair looking like a plastic lego accessory, just wear it! Take off the size sticker and press it onto your stupid skull before I do.
Moron Parents: Please watch your kids. Don't leave your pack of shrieking kids at the front of the bus while you sit at the back because there was a seat free, then proceed to shout at them every half-minute telling them to settle down. Don't be a backseat parent, just watch your kids.
Ripped Jeans: If the holes and rips in your jeans are so numerous and gaping that you would be more concealed wearing shorts ... then you're officially just draping your legs with garbage. Get off the bus at the next available stop, find a mall, and becoming a functioning human being.
People Who Reek (aka The Skuzz): If you can't be bothered to rinse your body off every now again, do not put yourself in an enclosed metal box with limited ventilation. And don't just empty a can of Axe body spray on yourself and then think everything is okay. You're just trading one stench for another.
Cellphone Shouters: Think your conversation is important enough to share with 20-30 strangers? It's not. Get the fuck off the phone. I have yet to hear one single phone call on a bus that seemed important enough to warrant yacking one's face off in public. The time has come to start ejecting people off the bus against their will, then maybe they'd actually have something worth talking about.
September 2, 2013
September 1, 2013
The Age of Getting Older
It's been a weird year. Having just turned 30 in July I'm facing the dawn of a new life phase. I think that means I need to be more mature, take care of my body, focus on my career, make babies and such, but you will have to tear this comic book and ice cream sandwich from angry hands before that happens.
I know I'm getting older because I see a chasm stretching out between me and popular culture, and it grows everyday. That's not always a bad thing since whatever it was that happened at the VMA's this year was an ugly, gross, and stupid affair. I'm pretty sure it alienated all human beings, not just the old ones.
These days I find myself caring less and less about what people think of me and my choices, which is nice. But I'm also becoming angrier and angrier at other people's choices, which can't be good for my health. All my life it's been the small stuff that bothers me: You tell me that a family member was devoured by wild dogs ... ah, c'est la vie. You tell me the egg yolk broke ... I storm out of the room knocking shit over.
Maybe that's what getting older is all about. You stop caring about what's cool, you bitch more about the little things, and learn to love who you are along the way. Sounds alright.
I know I'm getting older because I see a chasm stretching out between me and popular culture, and it grows everyday. That's not always a bad thing since whatever it was that happened at the VMA's this year was an ugly, gross, and stupid affair. I'm pretty sure it alienated all human beings, not just the old ones.
These days I find myself caring less and less about what people think of me and my choices, which is nice. But I'm also becoming angrier and angrier at other people's choices, which can't be good for my health. All my life it's been the small stuff that bothers me: You tell me that a family member was devoured by wild dogs ... ah, c'est la vie. You tell me the egg yolk broke ... I storm out of the room knocking shit over.
Maybe that's what getting older is all about. You stop caring about what's cool, you bitch more about the little things, and learn to love who you are along the way. Sounds alright.
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