Bumpy Skies

On a recent flight I witnessed a man across the aisle from me have a panic attack during some mild turbulence. Here are the top five terrible things going through my mind I could have said to him:

1. "Wow, this is the worst turbulence I've ever experienced. Do you smell smoke?"
2. "I think this flight is haunted."
3. "Shit, I had a dream about this last night. I remember you being scared right before the explosion and everything."
4. "I sure hope all this shaking doesn't knock the lid off my bee container."
5. "Sir, I just want you to know, if anything happens, ... I'm eating you first."

Betting on the False Alarm

The other night as I was readying myself for slumber, my apartment building's fire alarm began to blare.  I begrudgingly got dressed, grabbed some pocket essentials, and hit the stairs down to the lobby just as firefighters were arriving. In the end, it was a false alarm. A shitty prank, but I'll take a prank over all my belongings going up in smoke any day.

So what's the point? These things happen all the time.

I bring this up because while I waited outside for the alarms to be shut off, I noticed that there was about 20 people waiting with me. That's what I found most alarming.

First of all, my apartment building is huge. If I calculate the number of floors, the number of apartments per floor, and estimate only 2 people living in each one (which is generously low), I estimate over 500 residents in this building.

Okay, but not everyone will be home all the time.

Oh, absolutely. It was after midnight on a friday so let's be crazy and say that HALF of everyone living in the building was out socializing. And of course, some people may be working night shifts, or travelling out of town, or running to the store for condoms and lotto tickets, so let's cut that number in HALF again and pretend all those people were also not at home.

So where does that leave us? Well, aside from the 20 people who exited the building, that still leaves OVER 100 PEOPLE who sat in their apartment and waited out 30 minutes of deafening alarms because ... what? They had a hunch that there wasn't really a fire?

I admit that I didn't really believe there was a fire either, but why take that chance? It's fire alarm procedure to exit the building anyway. So does this mean that a quarter of the residents are deaf? Or just lazy? Did dozens of people figure, well, I already put the kids to bed, I don't want to be bothered with all the coats and shoes it's going to take to maybe save their lives.

That's another thing. Of the few people I saw that night ... no kids. And I know there are tons of children living here, I see them all the time. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I don't know. Maybe my math is all wrong. Maybe a vast number of the apartments only have one resident and they like to go out and party hard. Maybe all the families here have fathers who work late and mothers who take the kids to see grandma on the weekends. Maybe numerous residents are confined to their home because they're morbidly obese and wear fire-retardent pajamas.

Or maybe ... a lot of people are fucking dumb.

Stuff That Happened Last Month

So Hungry I Could Mistakingly Eat A Horse!

No doubt you've heard about the horse meat scandal and feel free to insert your own hotdog joke here. But seriously, this is an outrage. Can you imagine how betrayed the meat-eating public must feel to buy the flesh of one quadruped farm animal for consumption and then find out that it's actually the flesh of some OTHER quadruped farm animal? That would be like ordering chicken and being served duck or something. I think I'm going to be sick.

Pope Benequit Says No More!

After many years reigning as the scariest looking pope on record, Pope Benedict broke with tradition and resigned. He claims it was due to declining health, but that hadn't stopped previous popes from doing whatever they do until they shrivelled up into robed raisins. It's too bad that he quit in his prime like that when there are so many that look up to him. I mean, think about it. If all those priests had thrown in the towel after countless accusations, they never would have gone on to be relocated and continue to follow their dreams.

Terror in the Skies!

An asteroid blazed its way into the atmosphere over Russia, briefly distracting youtube viewers' attentions away from the immeasurably stupid "Harlem Shake" fad. The meteor caused a shockwave that injured over a thousand people, and North Korea issued a statement declaring the meteor a complete success and a proud moment for the nation.

False Spice

Mitch & Roland: #68 Birthday

Things Pro Wrestling and Figure Skating Have in Common

Skaters and Wrestlers ...

1. Wear tight, revealing custom outfits, often following a specific theme.
2. Develop signature moves.
3. Have routines that are carefully choreographed but sometimes improvisation is needed.
4. Compete on their own, or with a partner.
5. Perform dangerous jumps and spins, and can be potentially seriously hurt or cut.
6. Pick up other athletes over their heads and sometimes throw them.
7. Choose their own music.
8. Have judging that is very subjective and controversial at times. Some people feel the outcomes are rigged.
9. Form fierce rivalries and have been known to sabotage one another outside the rink/ring.
10. Compete for various titles and build a reputation throughout their careers.
11. Must be strong and agile, but also have a flair for showmanship. 
12. Sometimes look like they're dancing.

Mitch & Roland: #67 Tweet

Watching TV for Free

After years of neglecting my needs I finally own a new flatscreen television. I waited so long that I actually feel the need to describe it as "flatscreen" even though it's the standard now. In any case, I'm now experiencing media in stunning high definition the way Santa Christ intended. It feels good. Real good.

I've paid for basic cable for years and have felt ripped off the whole time. Not because the content sucked, but because it felt overpriced based on what I watched, and how much. Why pay for around 60 channels when I'm only going to routinely watch 4 or 5?

I decided to try out a little DIY project that had been on my mind for a while: an over-the-air (OTA) digital antenna. With some simple household items and a few google searches, could I be watching TV for free?

I decided to test it out first with the simplest of designs. First I picked up a coaxial to antenna transformer at the dollar store for about $1.50. It looks likes this:

I taped some paperclips to that, attached some binder clips to those, stuck it to the wall, screwed the cable into the TV and searched for channels. I had immediate success with 2 channels. Not only were they coming in clear, it was beautiful 1080p HD clear. It's my understanding that analog TV signals were retired a while back, and now the standard is HD digital. "This is awesome", I exclaimed.

If some paperclips slapped together can pick up a few channels, what could I get with a more advanced antenna? The next design I tried involved aluminum foil. Following a fractal pattern I printed from the web, I cut out the aluminum foil and carefully inserted it into a plastic sleeve. Here was the final look:

The foil antenna picked up 5-6 channels. I was thrilled, but still not completely satisfied. Antennas work better the higher up they are, and my apartment is on the 15th floor. The Internet tells me that numerous channels are being transmitted in my area. My final design would have to be serious to get serious results.

I swung by a Home Depot and picked up a piece of wood, some steel wire, washers, and screws. Using another design I found online I measured out and built my very own bowtie antenna:

After fiddling with the positioning of the antenna and doing various channel scans, I began picking up 15-20 channels. Again, nearly all of them in HD. It's nice to have something so simple work out so well.

Of course, bad weather will occasionally mess with the signal and antennas have to be shifted around sometimes. I recommend giving it a shot ... but your success will depend on the reception of the channels broadcast near you. If you're interested, search out the reception in your area, and then you'll know if it's going to be worth your time to screw some coat hangers to boards.

So to wrap up, before I was paying around $50 a month for TV service, and now I'm enjoying all the same shows with an antenna that cost $10 to make. Between my homemade antenna, Netflix and the Internet, I feel like my TV needs are covered. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!