Save the Goombas

Long have we heard the stories of how video games are corrupting the youth of society. That they numb the brain, encourage violence, and promote indecent lifestyles. I'm saddened to say that it is completely true. Not only have clever politicians uncovered video games as the source of many of history's recent tragedies, but I have done some careful research and discovered some more isolated cases.

Culprit: Mario Bros. (1983)
Details: Jeremy Nickels, age 11, died after eating a series of forest mushrooms in the hopes that one would make him grow larger.

Culprit: Resident Evil 2 (1998)
Details: Mike Branstein, age 16, snuck into his neighborhood police station and used all the typewriters without permission. He also took all their gems and eagle medallions.

Culprit: Wolfenstein 3D (1992)
Details: Donnie Jacobs, age 15, and his brother Wally Jacobs, age 13, stole their father's machine gun and took it to the nearest castle where they savagely gunned-down four dozen innocent Nazis.

Culprit: Final Fantasy Series (1987-Present)
Details: Rob Wishaw, age 9, began a habit of holding newly obtained items (whether a book, pencil, or granola bar, etc.) above his head in triumph and shouting "Ta-da-da-DA-DUM!". Family, friends, and classmates quickly found him annoying as shit.

Culprit: Dr. Mario (1990)
Details: Vanessa Malle, age 11, was told by her mother that she had the flu and the girl then consumed handfuls and handfuls of pills because they had matching color combinations. She did not get better.

Culprit: Tetris (1985)
Details: Bobby Rothe, age 9, was stacking toy building blocks in his living room when he completed four rows at once with a long vertical column, creating a violent tetris that ignited the carpet. He suffered third degree burns over half his body and was lucky to escape the house before it was engulfed entirely in flame.

Culprit: Donkey Kong (1981)
Details: Martin Johnson, age 14, bludgeoned a monkey to death at the zoo with a mallet. He later told officials that he believed the monkey was reaching for a barrel. He then inquired if the princess had been saved.

Culprit: Super Metroid (1994)
Details: Duane Pemberton, age 13, attempted to swing from rooftop to rooftop with his grappling beam/ skipping rope. He may have avoided falling to his death had he not been weighed down with several thermoses filled with grape kool-aid that he called his 'energy tanks'.

Culprit: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Details: Mark Tannor, age 16, was so eager to purchase the game on its release day that he stole a car. While racing to the mall he hit an old woman, panicked, and raced off in the ambulance that had come to help her. After a long chase with the police, he rolled the ambulance over in a field, outran the ensuing explosion and held the cops off with a flame thrower. Out of ammo, Mark then ran around until a crappy pickup truck appeared, which he drove off in, narrowly avoiding a car full of FBI agents who totally creamed a sidewalk filled with pedestrians. After an unsuccessful jump over a bus, Mark fled the vehicle again, shot down a police helicopter, and was run over by a tank. Sadly he had enough money to cover the hospital bill and was able to purchase the game the following day.