ZOMBIES : Part One

I thought it was high time that I did a comic involving one of my greatest passions in life: zombies. This comic stars Mitch and Roland in a balls out zombie adventure. Obviously you should click the images for a larger view. We begin with a cliched dark and lonely night....

I hope this has whet your appetite. Expect part two in the coming weeks, and also expect a dramatic increase in zombies.

Hey, there wasn't a single zombie, this has been another bait and switch.

Keep your pants on, it takes time. We've got to build up anticipation, set the mood. The technical term is 'comic foreplay'.

Mitch & Roland: #12 Sled

Good golly, am I ever glad it's the weekend. Another busy busy week.

So, this comic takes place in the winter, and if you are currently living in a place that still has snow, you can better appreciate the theme. Also, I'm sorry you're living in a place that still has snow.

Learn to Let Go

A Unicorn Left Something in My Schoolbag

Today a fellow teacher said that Korea is cute. I'd have to agree. There definitely seems to be bigger marker for 'cute' here than in Canada. You don't have to go very far to find adorable knick knacks and toys.

Since I spend all weekdays in close proximity to young children, I see a ton of cute things. I will say this, Korea is at least ten years ahead of the rest of the world with pencil case technology. When I was just a lad pencil cases were basic; if yours had a zipper, you were hot shit. Here I see kids toting around the most elaborate pencil boxes ever. And every kid has a different one.

They got sliding drawers, flip lids, secret compartments, video games, mirrors, tiny dry-erase boards, invisible inks, pinball games built into the top, and some even fold out into larger games you can play with friends. Spinning wheels, retractable handles, and little buttons that shoot rulers and erasers. Why don't we have these things in North America? I'll tell you why, because we've wasted all our time with 'fruit roll-up' technology.

Every possible thing a Korean child takes to school is colorful, cheery, and covered in delighted glossy eyed characters. It's like stationary made by Care Bears.

One thing you'll find in Korea are these 'cute' stores. I say cute stores because I don't know how else to describe them. They aren't quite toy stores, nor are they really stationary stores. They are just packed with tiny pointless girly ... things. There are several of these stores in any major shopping area and they are usually packed to the gills with females of all ages. They've all converged on the store to buy their panda hairbands, rainbow notepaper, cupcake-bunny coupon card sleeves, choco magnets, plush animals on sticks, and sweetie-pie bracelet pouches. Those aren't exact things, but hopefully you get the picture.

Changing the subject, I'm writing this now in a new Internet cafe that opened in my neighborhood. There's only a few people, which makes it virtually smoke and noise free. Therefor, I like it. A little while ago, the owner got my attention to offer me an egg. He was just standing there with a bunch of hard-boiled eggs rolling around on a tray. At least I hope they were hard-boiled.

"An egg, sir?"

"Um... no thanks. I'm not hungry."

"No, it's a raw egg. If you can take care of it and return it unbroken on your next visit, we'll give you a discount."

Anyway, I declined his generous egg offer and he moved on to the next dude playing warcraft.

Ain't that cute?

Butterfingers

Mitch & Roland: #11 Cannon

One of these things is not like the other

Today I was played a game with a class of my students, using flash cards that were just a series of random objects and simple English words. We were taking turns laying out four cards on the table, three of which would be connected somehow. The goal was to determine which card didn't belong and why. Simple enough.

I was general impressed with the connections the students devised, but one in particular I thought was great. A middle school student named Ruby slapped down her four cards: a baby, a wagon, a rope, and money. It puzzled everyone for a while, as you can imagine. She finally revealed that the wagon was the odd card because the other three were all things related to a kidnapping.

I cracked up when I heard that. Little did she realise that the wagon could also connected to kidnappings. Wouldn't that be the best way to transport a tied-up baby? Maybe I'm over thinking the whole game, but for now I'm withholding her gold sticker until I can verify that it was a valid play based on the rules.

Remember kids, obey the rules.

This is the day you lose control...

I think we've all been in this situation at one time or another. You've gambled with your bathroom breaks all day and it's now or never. Actually, there's no getting around it - it's now.

The last 50 meters to your house have been a 'knees-together' sprint and your shirt collar is a wet ring of sweat. You're usually carrying a bunch of stuff and when one fumbles out of your hands, you risk leaving it behind and never look back.

You work frantically with your keys at the door and your guts begin groaning like a haunted ship on the waves. Once inside you dare not bend over to unlace your shoes, so you dash for the washroom and pray that it isn't occupied.

I think we can agree it's one of the most urgent and frightening moments a person can experience.

Black Eye of the Tiger

That isn't true, but I think you get the idea.

Mitch & Roland: #10 Waiting

The idea for this comic came to me in a dream. That's a good thing, because once an idea came to me in a bowel movement. Those are never fun.

Only one can be "The Ticketmaster"

Valentine's Pale Cousin

Today, in South Korea and a few other South-East Asia Countries, is White Day . This is the second White Day I've witnessed, so I see myself as an expert. The day is all about men giving candies to women in return for chocolates they received on Valentines Day. In fact in Japan it's good form for the boys to give thrice the value of their gifts in return.

Reading about it online revealed that it grew in popularity in Hong Kong and in the beginning was called Marshmallow Day when a savvy marshmallow maker dreamed up the holiday to sell his ... you guessed it ... marshmallows. Anyway, it eventually changed to White Day and became what it is today - Another excuse to sell/eat candy.

I'm sure in time this holiday will be picked up in North America. I think most people would jump at the chance to stuff their craw with marshmallows, candy, white chocolate, cream, and any other white foodstuffs for a day. Most do without a holiday telling them to. It's gluttony hidden beneath a veil of 'tradition'. Just look at any other holiday in the west.

Hey, Jesus was born! Yeah...cookies and cranberries and cakes! Oh no, Jesus has died! Hooray for cream-filled chocolate eggs! Is it the Fourth of July? I'd better eat twelve types of barbecued meat and a bucket of coleslaw. I hate waiting for my Christmas turkey; can't we eat turkey in November too? I wanted to eat that practice turkey in October, but all I got to consume was several bags of candy. C'mon, let's all pretend to give thanks and then eat until we fall asleep.

The Misadventures of Nutso?

Since we're on the subject of clowns, I might as well share a story from my past. I know some people have fears of clowns and their goofy bullshit, and I'm not one of them. I do, however, have a general distrust of clowns. Here's why:

I was living in Saskatchewan; a province so flat you could stand on a pail, look east, and see the back of your own head. It was my eighth or ninth birthday and friends and family had gathered in the backyard for games, cake, and the spectacle of one wacky clown.

During his parade of magic tricks I was pulled up on stage (the far side of the yard) and the clown proceeded to tie two bright handkerchiefs together and tuck the knot down the neck of my shirt. A few magic words later he pulled the two handkerchiefs out. Now holding them together, instead of a knot, was a lacy pink bra.

I was mortified. I can't remember a single gift I received that day, or who attended that party, but my brain will never allow me to forget that embarrassing moment. What the hell? How those handkerchiefs got tangled in my bra, I'll never know. But long story short, don't trust a clown.

Mitch & Roland: #9 Spotlight

I have battled my way through another week of work and emerged victorious, or at the very least, alive. I will dedicate my days off to not surrounding myself with loud obnoxious children. Any more of that and I'm certain my brain would erupt out of my forehead and search for a safer home.

Anyhoo, here's a comic.

That Big Nest in the Sky

Stick This in his Mouth

Today I offer you the defining difference between American children and Korean children: Korean children enjoy things like octopus jerky. I know for sure because they were eating it in my classroom today. A group of delighted boys tearing strips of octopus off a smelly dried chunk and sharing it amongst themselves.

You wont see that in America. No elementary students are eyeing each others lunchboxes for that kind of trade.

"I'll give you my dried squid for your Dunk-a-roos."

"Why don't you get the hell out of my face, fag?"

"But it has minerals..."

"Oh God, don't open the package near me! It reeks!"

Yeah, western kids got no time for fish. They're too busy enjoying their Fruit roll-ups, Go-gurts, Gummi Worms, Lunchables, Gushers, S'mores, Butterfingers, Peanut Butter Cups, Tootsie Rolls, Twinkies, Pringles, Pork Rinds, Cheerios, Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos, Tostitos, Ringalos, Nachos, Burritos, Oreos, Eggos, Cream-sicles, Fudge-sicles, Popsicles, Soda Pops, Corn Pops, Popcorn, Pop Rocks, Pop Tarts, Pizza Pops, Hot Pockets, Pizza Pockets, Pizza Bagels, Bagel-Bites, Bits and Bites, Cool Whip, Miracle Whip, Licorice Whips, Krispy Kremes, Coffee Crisp, Crispie Crunch, Crunch & Munch, Cap'n Crunch, Crispy Crunchies, Chocolate Chips, Cookie Crisps, Cocoa Krispies, Cocoa Pebbles, Cocoa Puffs, Cheese Puffs, String cheese, and Cheese Whiz.

You know, good stuff for kids to eat.

Suspicious/Delicious Minds

Mitch & Roland: #8 Carnivàle

This comic is about fairs.

If you've never been to a traveling fair/exhibition, you can simulate the experience at home. Simply spread a bag of manure out in your backyard, and have a friend attach a stereo to a lawnmower. Blare some shitty music, fire up the lawnmower and have him spin around with it until centrifugal force lifts the lawnmower/stereo into the air. At that point (while your friend spins like mad) you should stand in the manure, eat some corn on the cob and close your eyes. You are now having the complete sensory experience of being at a fair. It's even just as dangerous as the real thing. Cool, huh?

Androids Dream of Serving You Tea

I read an article in the Korean Herald today that said Japan had made significant progress in robotic developments and they will soon have a robot that can serve tea.

Thank ... Christ.

If you're anything like me, you've long grown tired of spilling hot tea all over yourself in feeble attempts at preparing it. Well, that will soon no longer be a problem.

Actually, I guess making robots must be really difficult because that doesn't sound like much progress at all. Billions of dollars have been poured into this type of research, but all we have to show for it are robots that are trying to carry teacups, and failing.

In the article a professor Tomomasa Sato said that "A human being may be faster [at serving tea], but you'd have to say 'thank you'. That's the best part about a robot. You don't have to feel bad about asking it to do things."

Well that sounds like incentive enough to continue this project. I know I'm sick to death of wasting numerous seconds a day on thanking people. Now I can't wait for the day that I can have my own tiny personal servant robot. Just a little puke of a machine that I can bully endlessly and shove down flights of stairs without feeling like a bad person.