The Craft of Laziness: Students Guide

Kids love gadgets. I should know, I'm a kid at heart and love gadgets as well. I love shiny metal and plastic do-dads with luminous screens, slots, switches, and buttons - oh lord the buttons!

I've watched my students run around with their cellphones gleefully. Cellphones, I should add, that are much newer and nicer than mine. And these devices are not so much a communication tool, but the expected solution to everything.

How so?

Well, I've seen students recording class lectures on their cellphone, so they don't have to listen so closely while being there. I've seen students searching up words on their phone's multilingual dictionaries to cut corners in homework. I've seen kids taking photos of the whiteboard as a substitute for writing down notes.

All in all this seems like a likely tool for cheating, but I'm more bothered by the laziness it develops. How lazy/busy do you have to be as a student to go, "Write down my homework? Screw that. *snap* I'll check that later. I got shit to do. The fellas are expecting me over by the see-saw in 5 minutes, and I ain't got no time for notebooks, pencils, and other antiques."

If I could go back in time 100 years and show that scene to people, I don't know who would be more offended: A writer, a photographer, or a teacher.

Nanna's Plan

It's the weekend. Visit your grandmother. I hear she's got a biscuit the size of a coffee table she's daring you to tackle.

Some Thoughts on Snails and Drinking

I read a news article online a few days back with this title:

Much of Drinking in Canada done in excess, study suggests.

Yeah? I thought that was the point. When people drink, for the most part they are set on drinking more than they need. Plus, drinking impairs your judgment, and the first thing you're likely to misjudge is when to stop drinking the stuff that screws with your ability to know when to stop.

I like how they say "excess", as if there is an amount we should be drinking. What is the recommended daily intake of scotch? I forget.

Plus, why is this article focused on Canada? And why on earth would they need a study to discover this. It fills me with sadness to think money was spend to get this "info", when really you, or I, or anyone whose been to college or a single party in their life could have confirmed this for them.

In an unrelated matter, it really bugs me when people use the term "snail mail" to refer to mailing something through the postal system rather than electronically. Why are people doing this? It's asinine. If you mailed a letter, say you mailed it. If you emailed a letter, say you emailed it. Where's the confusion? I can't think of a situation that would call for this sort of clarification, unless your friends are all complete knobs.

"I mailed you a postcard. Did you get it yet?"

"Hold on, let me check my gmail."

"No, I actually send you a postcard."

"What? My inbox is empty. Maybe there's a delay..."

"Listen to me, I didn't EMAIL you an E-CARD. I MAILED you a POSTCARD."

"Huh?"

"Through the mail!"

"What? By snail mail?"

"No!! By mail! I didn't write you a note on a fucking snail. I sent you a postcard by mail. Go check your fucking mailbox."

"Oh, you mean the snailbox?"

"This friendship is over!" (hangs up)

So why are we changing the word "mail" to this insulting variation? It's not like once cars were invented we all started calling horses "bullshit cars on legs that get tired".

The Best Parts are the Corners

Things I Hate: "Stuck On You" Edition

Life isn't perfect, so let's bitch about it.

Gelato Toppings

Sometimes I like to indulge in the divine decadence of Italian ice cream (gelato). Or sometimes I just go in the store to look at all the delicious displays. Each container of ice cream usually is covered with a topping to represent that flavour. Chocolate has chocolate chips, strawberry has strawberries, green tea has tea leaves, etc. It's not rocket science. Then I noticed what was on the vanilla ice cream: crackers. Crackers? Crackers! Saltine crackers! Who the hell made that decision? If you can't find something vanilla related to stick on your ice cream, then go with nothing! Nothing is a smarter choice than crackers. Man! Is it because they share a similar colour, or that vanilla is a boring flavour much like a cracker, or is it because someone is an idiot? Soup crackers!? Crackers!

Stickers on Things

If you're human, you likely purchase things. And you've likely grown more and more pissed off at all the damn stickers you've had to carefully pick off those purchases. What is wrong with these stores and companies that find these super adhesive price tags to forever scar an object. Why isn't there some government regulated stickiness committee to monitor this shit? Sometimes I buy a book with a sticker than peels off in one clean swipe. Then I'll buy a DVD and spend the better part of the evening trying to remove forty pricing and security stickers. Stickers that, once painfully picked off, still leave behind a rectangle of glue so it looks like someone blew their nose all over your media. Whoever invented these hell stickers should be wrapped in them and kicked into a bonfire.

Foods that Won't Peel

You know what I'm talking about. Someone gives you an orange, and half an hour later you realize why you never eat oranges any more. Because they don't peel for shit. You try to carefully work the skin off, but it only breaks away in tiny pellet-sized clumps, each time spraying citric acid in your face. Soon you're tearing away at it like an animal, and cursing fruit in general. And it's not just oranges. Eggs! Why is it that if you boil eggs, some of them slip out of the shell like they're begging to be devoured, and others fuse to the shell like they were filled with wood glue? And bananas! The easiest fruit to peel in the world, and it still leaves behind a half dozen strands of fibrous bullshit to pick off. Or potatoes! Unless you have the perfectly sharp paring knife on hand, peeling potatoes is a pain in the ass. It's like an arthritis simulation. Sometimes after making some fruit or potato salad I run from my house with my crippled hands in the air and scream into the nearest mailbox until I see stars.

Ectoplasm and/or Marmalade

Hope y'all have a weekend rich with fun and shenanigans. Remember, as a rule of thumb, don't jam your thumb into any hole or opening just because it'll probably fit. There are only so many times the fire department will rush to your house to save you.

It's our opposable thumbs that separate us from the animals. So stop thumbing those animals already! I mean it! Next time it happens, I'm calling the cops.

Mitch & Roland: #53 Impulse

Ba-da-bum!

How many punchlines do you see involving lighthouses? Not enough, I assure you. I'm here to fill that gap, as it is an important part of a balanced breakfast of humour.

Nutrition By Force

April Confirmed

Mucho apologies on the lack of updates lately. I've been sick as a dog and fluctuating between feeling fine and wanting to tip over and puke. I do have a new batch of drawings nearly finished, so you can expect that early next week.

Even though it's late to say this, I hope you made the best of April Fools Day. I didn't prank anyone but I do recognize the potential of that excuse:

"Hey, hey!"

"Where the hell have you been? You're almost five hours late for work!"

"Gotcha! April Fools!"

"That's not how it works. Wait a minute ... are you drunk?"

"Uhhhhh ... April Fools!"