Things I Hate: Leave a Message Edition

You'd think that recording a short audio message would be a piece of cake for most people, but you'd be wrong. Here are the offenders of voice mail and answering machines that have pissed me off all my life.

Loud Fools

When recording a message you should try not to do so at a volume that rapes ear drums. The goal is to be clear, not deafen the listener. Whether it's a greeting or message, it's annoying when you have to strain to hear because your ears are filling with blood and it sounds like the person who called is eating the phone. Also why do so many people record their answering machine greeting during some noisy ass commotion? All you hear is children screaming in the background, music playing, and furniture being thrown into jet engines. How can this concept be so difficult? Record your message when you're in a quiet place, not while ringing in the new year in Times Square.

The Fake Out Hello

Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You call someone, you hear the sound of the phone being picked up and an enthusiastic hello. You start talking and you're suddenly interrupted by "I'm not here right now, please leave a message after the beep". People intentionally make their voice mail greetings deceptive with hello, hi there, or hey how are ya followed by a pause. Why would people do that? I'll tell you why. Because it gives some weirdos a sick satisfaction knowing that their friends are chatting away with a recording.

Letting the Kids Speak

The worst, absolute worst crime you can commit when recording your answering machine greeting is letting your kids do the talking. So many people do it that they must believe in their hearts it sounds adorable. But in actual fact it's confusing and irritating. You might fall for an unintentional fake out hello because you're struggling to decipher the babbling 2 year old. You try and ask to speak to a parent and then you hear the beep. Whether its one toddler, a choir of infants, or the kid and laughing parent combo, it all equals frustration. Just record your message like a reasonable mature adult and leave your kids out of it. Letting a child who can barely grasp language speak for you makes about as much sense as letting your dog answer the door.

Cruel and Cruller

Well, as much as I like Ottawa, I've finally discovered its fatal flaw.

No Krispy Kreme.

Madness, you say. And you're right. So where can I find the succulent goodness then?

After checking online I've discovered that there are only 4 locations in all of Canada. Just four. And three of those locations are in Quebec! Okay, okay, I am very close to Quebec, but it's bizarre that there aren't more locations in a country as huge and doughnut-loving as Canada.

To put this injustice into perspective, there are 30 (THIRTY!??) Krispy Kreme locations in South Korea, and half of those are in Seoul. Obviously Korea has a larger population, but that's 1.6 million people per location. In Canada, it's 8.5 million people per location. And Canada can't even manage a Kreme for it's capital city? I'm going to have to write to the government and complain or something, if only I knew where they were located....

Much Worse Than Bed Bugs

We've all seen commercials for prescription drugs on TV where we watch scenes of people "living life to the fullest" while a voice over rattles off an obscene list of side effects. Side effects that seem to easily outweigh the benefits of the drug. Well, I may have just seen the most astonishing one yet.

It's a little product called "Ambien CR", and it's supposed to help people with sleeping problems and insomnia, so they can fall asleep quickly and then stay asleep throughout the night. Sounds straightforward, right? Well buckle up.

Side effects (and I double checked with their website) may include: headaches, drowsiness, dizziness, memory loss, travelers amnesia (if taken during a flight), abdominal and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, sweating, shakiness, seizures-

Okay, woah! What the hell? Already, I think I'll try to fall asleep on my own; being tired ain't so bad. I can't imagine enjoying a full night's sleep if all day I find myself with a throbbing headache, shaking, falling down, throwing up, and forgetting stuff! And yet it continues...

Not only is there a danger of becoming addicted to this drug, but it can also cause changes in a person's thinking and behavior. More side effects include: outgoing or aggressive behavior, confusion, strange behavior, agitation, hallucinations, worsening of depression, suicidal thoughts-

WHAT!!??

I would say that we sailed past "not worth it" somewhere around amnesia, but this is utter insanity. I've never heard of a sleep aid possibly causing suicidal thoughts. Good lord. That would be like "Pepto Bismol" causing hopelessness and self mutilation.

So - if I have this straight - this is a sleep medication that may result in you being sweaty and in pain, aching and cramping, confused and uncoordinated, out of breath with loose bowels, seeing things that aren't there, vomiting angrily, acting depressed or strange then forgetting about it, and wanting to kill yourself.

But you'll sleep like a baby.