Things I Hate: Leave a Message Edition

You'd think that recording a short audio message would be a piece of cake for most people, but you'd be wrong. Here are the offenders of voice mail and answering machines that have pissed me off all my life.

Loud Fools

When recording a message you should try not to do so at a volume that rapes ear drums. The goal is to be clear, not deafen the listener. Whether it's a greeting or message, it's annoying when you have to strain to hear because your ears are filling with blood and it sounds like the person who called is eating the phone. Also why do so many people record their answering machine greeting during some noisy ass commotion? All you hear is children screaming in the background, music playing, and furniture being thrown into jet engines. How can this concept be so difficult? Record your message when you're in a quiet place, not while ringing in the new year in Times Square.

The Fake Out Hello

Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You call someone, you hear the sound of the phone being picked up and an enthusiastic hello. You start talking and you're suddenly interrupted by "I'm not here right now, please leave a message after the beep". People intentionally make their voice mail greetings deceptive with hello, hi there, or hey how are ya followed by a pause. Why would people do that? I'll tell you why. Because it gives some weirdos a sick satisfaction knowing that their friends are chatting away with a recording.

Letting the Kids Speak

The worst, absolute worst crime you can commit when recording your answering machine greeting is letting your kids do the talking. So many people do it that they must believe in their hearts it sounds adorable. But in actual fact it's confusing and irritating. You might fall for an unintentional fake out hello because you're struggling to decipher the babbling 2 year old. You try and ask to speak to a parent and then you hear the beep. Whether its one toddler, a choir of infants, or the kid and laughing parent combo, it all equals frustration. Just record your message like a reasonable mature adult and leave your kids out of it. Letting a child who can barely grasp language speak for you makes about as much sense as letting your dog answer the door.