A Brief Lesson on Family Day

Having grown up in Nova Scotia for much of my life, I had never heard of Family Day before moving to Ottawa, but apparently it is a public holiday observed by nearly 60% of Canadians. All I really care is that it means a paid day off for me, but still I became interested in the origin and traditions of this February holiday. Here now are the customs of Family Day as I've observed:

Traditionally, Canadians will start off their Family Day, much as their forefathers did hundreds of years ago, by sleeping in until whenever they want. It is customary for the children of the household to get up earlier than the parents and watch cartoons while eating a bowl of Froot Loops. This is done in memory of all the families in the past who could not afford Froot Loops.

If the family had been good that year, they would be rewarded by Tarandus, the mystical space caribou, with something worthwhile to watch on TV. But if the family had indeed been naughty, then Tarandus will force them to do laundry and other household chores, even though the weather outside isn't so bad.

Later in the day, the family will set out for their local shopping mall, just like the pilgrims did thousands of years ago. The eldest son will be given the honor of remembering where they parked, and each family member will shop individually and meet up later at an assigned location because the mall closes early out of respect for our ancestors on this holy day.

Because cooking is forbidden on Family Day, each Canadian household will order out. The custom is to eat either chicken from a bucket or pizza from a box much like the days of yore before proper dinnerware was discovered and boxes or buckets were the only available food containers. Each family member will pay tribute to the meal by trying to not argue with each other over pointless bullshit. Traditionally, the greasy napkins, chicken bones, and pizza crusts will be left forgotten near the kitchen sink so that mothers may yell at everyone the next morning.

After dinner, families will congregate around the sacred television or internet and remain immobile for several hours to pay respect to our founding fathers or Jesus or someone. Around nine o'clock Tarandus' spell will break so that children and adults alike will remember that they have to work or study tomorrow, and everyone will complain accordingly. And with that realization, Family Day will have come to an end once more.

May Tarandus bless you and your home, and have a Merry Family Day. Unless you live in British Columbia, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Newfoundland or any of the territories.