Kicked out of Candyland

You know what sucks? Well, lots of things, but here are three:

Licorice

Yes, someone had to say it and I said it. This flavour has no place in our world. The only people who like licorice are over forty and have fond memories of going to the local grocery and buying a half pound bag of licorice pipes for 3 cents. Anything that looks and tastes like it should be shoe polish is not good candy.

The Choking Game

I'm can't believe I keep hearing on the news that a bunch of kids were rushed to a hospital because they tried to suffocate themselves. How stupid do you have to be? I don't know if nearly killing yourself gets you high, but what happened to the simpler days of stealing your parents alcohol or sniffing model airplane glue? If something like strangulation can be a craze, I think the next big thing sweeping the schools will be 'The Big Dip'. All you have to do is lie face down in a wading pool while two of your friends stand on your back. Nothing says, "I'm cool" like drowning or almost drowning.

Oral B Commercials

Not since the Fruit Roll-Up commercials have we seen such fantastical laboratory work like this. I don't mean to point the finger right at Oral B, because other toothbrush advertisers are guilty of the same stuff, but it's just ridiculous. Toothbrushes are not complicated tools, and I'm certain they are not designed in pristine white labs filled with glowing control panels and giant holograms. Last time I checked a toothbrush has no moving parts, isn't capable of breaking the sound barrier, and doesn't require a medical degree to operate. So let's stop tricking ourselves into thinking that dental care is constantly breaking new ground with science and engineering by having bristles that lean in different directions.

The Plumber Dynasty

As an avid gamer I was worried about a bit of gaming news I heard recently. For the Xbox 360 a first person shooter called Battlefield: Bad Company will be making a handful of weapons in the game only available by paying extra. While I have no intention of playing this game one way or the other, it's still pretty lame. It's like game developers are testing the waters on what they can get away charging for. It would be like buying a Mario Bros game at full retail price, but having to fork out an additional ten bucks to unlock fire flowers.

And speaking of Mario, where is that franchise going to go? I mean...name wise. First off it was Super Mario Bros. and it was about two plumbers. Then Super Mario Land... they expanded and from there it became Super Mario World. Not just the land anymore, they decided to reach out and take the whole world. Later on down the road we have Super Mario Sunshine where the franchise claimed light itself. Now that the franchise has conquered the world, it's lands, and the sun, we have Super Mario Galaxy. Where can they possibly go from there?

I know you're thinking, "Super Mario Universe of course", and sure that makes sense, but then what? You think Mario will pack up his red overalls and retire? No! Nintendo will just have to continue to find ways the games can encompass more and more. Soon we might see Super Mario Matter, Super Mario Everything, and Super Mario Forever.

In my opinion I want to see the franchise back it up and find simpler themes and names. My personal favorite being Super Mario Spaghetti. Not only it is fun and humorous to say, it stays true to the character and it grabs one's attention. They should just re release Mario 64, call it Super Spaghetti Time Mario, but leave the game completely the same as its original version. Just include new box art and have every game come with a collectors Mario plate and coupons for free spaghetti noodles and sauce. And have the game encourage you to eat and play at the same time for maximum enjoyment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm hungry and bored.

Leave Your Liver Alone

Today the Doctor will be tackling one of society's greatest addictions. No, I'm not talking about dog sled racing, however thrilling it may be.

No, I'm speaking of alcoholism. Also known as the "Soggy Mistress" or "Sweet Nectar Relief", this addiction is swallowing up everyone who succumbs to its offerings of "deliciousness" and "fun". It's always the same scenario: You top off another glass, then bottoms up. And soon everyone has their top's off and she's got her bottom up.

Anyway, put down the jello shooter and make way for education.

Birds of a Feather, Freeze Together

Man, I'm tired of this whole weather thing. Why can't it just pick something and go with it?

With my job I alternate between days off and days I work, and lately it seems like mother nature is out to get me. If I'm off for the day it's all freezing rain and icy wind. The next day when I'm stuck indoors working the sun is out and families are having picnics. Day after that, I'm stuck indoors because of a snow storm. I'm sick and tired of this.

I don't know if it's global warming, but weather is totally spasming. It's supposed to be spring and one day I'm watching a flock of geese fly one direction overhead, fighting the wind and honking miserably. Then a day later I see another flock heading the complete opposite direction. They obviously have no idea what the hell to do, and we're talking about the noble and wise Canadian Goose. I even saw a goose so fed up he dive bombed down a chimney into a roaring fireplace just to end his misery.

Okay, that didn't happen, but you could tell he was thinking it.

Mitch & Roland: #38 Easter

This weekend, be sure not to overdose on cream filled eggs and marshmallow peeps. While snacking sensibly enjoy this Easter comic that has nothing to do with Jesus. Actually, when I think about it, Easter itself doesn't have a lot to do with Jesus. No offense to anyone, but have you been in any stores lately? Everything sold in connection with this solemn religious day is cute and candy filled.

The Now Stew....Later

Just so you know, we're all doomed. To support my case, I present McCain's Slow Cooker Solutions. If you haven't seen the commercials, it's essentially a product that makes using a slow cooker even easier. Here's what Norm Purdy (McCain Foods Director of Marketing) had to say:

"Gone are the days when Moms, or Dads, could afford to spend hours preparing a wholesome, sit-down family dinner, so we've done it for them. They just had to take the tub out of the freezer in the morning, open the packaging, pour contents into a slow cooker, add water, and cook on low. When they come home from work, dinner is ready."

Okay, to start...I don't think we should be calling anything that was dumped frozen out of a tub, wholesome. That's just great, the food abominations are running wild in this society, and now we're introducing a big old bucket of meat and stuff.

And why is it that Moms and Dads had no time to prepare meals anymore? As I'm aware every technological advance and invention since the beginning of time has helped to make life easier and to save time, yet it's 2008 and nobody has time to cook.

Also, slow cookers are the simplest cooking tool ever. Where's all the guesswork? Why do we need solutions for our slow cookers? Were there teams of people poisoning or burning themselves and loved ones while trying to master the art of filling a pot with ingredients and leaving it for the day?

This new product is basically trying to take the "slow" out of slow cooking. Who is in such a Goddamn hurry that they need to prepare something in seconds that they won't eat for ten hours or so? Is the whole day not enough time for a person to make one flipping meal?!

Don't worry Mr and Mrs Busy Consumer, we know you're both too busy to put any attention in the food you serve your family, so why not simmer up a tub of anonymous bits. That way you have more time to use your high speed Internet to do instant banking, or go out and use speed pay to buy more electric staplers and motorized hammocks.

Just picture fifty years down the road when people are calling up their parents:

"Hey Ma? Just thought I'd give you a ring, had a quick question for you. I wanted to make some of that Delicious Beef Stew you used to make, but I couldn't remember the recipe. What was it again? Don't worry I got a pen ready. Open....package. Uh-huh. Add....water. That's it? Oh man....water? I'm gonna have to go look for a cup. What's that? Yeah I know it's gonna take all day, but sometimes you crave that old fashioned taste, you know? We'll thanks a bunch, love you, ma. Bye."

A Crock of Clock

I'm tired today. Probably because we lost an hour last night. Thank you, daylight saving time.

What a bunch of crap that is. This whole Daylight Saving stuff is one big conspiracy. It's just another way for the man to control us. Keep us confused and distracted while Uncle Sam dips into our pockets and takes his share.

In all honesty, who is benefiting from this system? People who like to be late or early for work twice a year? Or people who love to spend an afternoon resetting all the clocks in their home. It's not even like this is a universally accepted practice; about half the world doesn't use it at all. Obviously it can't be such a good idea. Even we as a country can't decide: Manitoba observes daylight savings, but Saskatchewan doesn't.

And it's always throwing people off when they have to figure out which way the clocks will be adjusted:

Are we moving them forward or back?

What season is this? Was it fall back or fall forward? Spring back? Spring up and Fall down?

Wait, do we do this now, or tomorrow morning when we get up?

I thought it changes at midnight?

No, I heard it was two o'clock. Does it matter?

It does to me, I work the night shift. Maybe I was supposed to be there an hour ago.

What season is this? Does it say on the calendar?

What? You mean about the season, or the daylight savings time?

Uh... It says it begins today.

So do we begin by moving the time forward or back?

I don't know. It doesn't say! All it says is it begins!

Well, should we change it at midnight at the beginning of the day or at midnight at the end of the day?

I told you I think we don't change it until two o'clock!

AM or PM?

I want a divorce!

I think the best system to use, is no system at all. It's real easy to follow and you can use this simple trick to remember. First figure out what season it is, then look at a clock. That's the Goddamn time. Now move on with your life. Don't even get me started about leap year.

Rebooting the Hilroy

Over the holidays I was given a Blackberry as a gift, which is cool. Not a "Hey, I just used GPS to track down my estranged father" type, but an older model that I figured I could use as an organizer. Make a few notes, keep phone numbers and addresses, that sort of thing.

Whenever I added information to my Blackberry, I always made a point of adding the same information to a notebook where I keep those sort of things. When I was doing that I had to ask myself, is this necessary? The answer is yes: because I don't trust modern technology.

Now I'm not saying that I don't like or enjoy all the fun and exciting gizmos available. Most times I love them. I just find that I can't rely on them. I'm always filled with the sense of this is too good to be true. It wasn't long ago that I would wait weeks upon weeks to get a music cassette and listen to it. Now on a whim I can acquire any song I desire in a matter of minutes and then throw it on a portable device or burn it and be listening to it wherever I want at no cost. I've talked about how fragile technology is with Ipods and computers, and the Blackberry is just another example.

I don't know when or how or why, but the thing might just stop working, or it might break, or the information might simply disappear. MP3 players, CD players, computers, Thumb drives, gaming consoles, printers, DVD players, cellphones, digital cameras, the list goes on. All these things have looked me in the eye one day, said "You know what - I quit", and stopped working. They never have the decency of showing some visible explanation for breaking- like a having an axe wound or being on fire.

I store addresses in my Blackberry, but that doesn't mean they'll be there tomorrow. So I write it down in a notebook. I've never flipped through my notebook after dropping it to find all the pages erased. I've never had to rip half the pages out of a notebook because it was infected with a virus. I've never had to buy batteries for a notebook and then yell at it because it used them up so goddamn fast. I've never had to replace the cover on a notebook because I hadn't used it a few months at it wouldn't open. And I've never had to buy a new notebook because it wasn't compatible with the ink I was using.

It seems (at least in some ways) technology hasn't matched that of paper held together with a metal coil. Are you as worried as I am?