Smoke: A (Long) Rant

Dear Smokers,

Why must you constantly pollute my life? I'm really tired of it. Honestly.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, I'm faced with people sucking ash and blowing smoke and it's really annoying. Smokers rarely seem to consider that other people don't smoke and might not enjoy walking through clouds of death at every corner. I realize smokers do have the right to smoke, and the places they can smoke is limited, but I still feel that's not enough. I can't go to the bank, to the grocery store, or even out my door without having to pass by and breathe the fumes of some inconsiderate jackass.

I've heard people who smoke say, "Look, if it bothers you, just walk away." But it's not that easy. While you're walking away, you'll run into another smoker, and another, and another, until your only escape is running back home or straight into the ocean.

In my case, home isn't even a proper sanctuary. My apartment is unfortunately located right above the apartment's front entrance, and so people are always congregating there and puffing away. What does that mean for me? Well it means that I can't leave any of my windows open for more than 20-30 minutes at a time without suddenly smelling cigarette smoke. This is particularly aggravating during the hot summer days when opening a window is a desperate attempt to breathe and circulate fresh air. They just come back again and again and again, all day, all night. I'm this close to throwing bricks.

I really can't comprehend the minds of people who can be suffocating in the summer's hottest and most humid weather, and still decide to head outside and inhale fire. What the hell is wrong with you? This is an addiction I can't even fathom. I'm a fat ass, and my addiction is food. But when the weather is 40 degrees with the humidity, I can't even think about eating something hot. I just sprawl out on the floor, eating ice, and concentrating on not dying.

Another argument I've heard smokers make is, "Why do you always complain about smokers when cars are polluting the environment far more. You don't complain about them." Well, it's an interesting point, but in the long run, cars at least serve a purpose and are useful. Yes, they are polluting the air, but for now they are necessary, which is more than I can say for cigarettes.

And besides, I don't own a car. I rely on public transport and walking to get around, and this has less impact on the environment than someone who drives around all day. So what's my reward? I get to breathe smoke everyday to and from work, without fail. I leave my apartment and the hallway may reek of smoke, then I have to get out the front entrance where people are smoking. As I walk to work I constantly find myself behind someone smoking, like I'm riding caboose on the cancer train. I try to get out of the way, and I run into more people smoking in groups, or smoking out their car windows. I finally get to work, and the front entrance has a flock of smoking wads hanging around. Enough is enough! Stop smoking!

Also, don't you love how smokers treat the world like their own personal ashtray. Thanks for leaving your filthy cigarette butts scattered everywhere. What? You think it doesn't count as littering because they're small or something? You smoke twenty times a day flicking your trash everywhere, you insensitive prick. Stop smoking!

I really can't feel bad about bitching over smokers. It's like trying to feel bad for telling someone not to rub asbestos in their eyes several times a day. Smoking, without question, is killing people. The people who intentionally smoke, and the people who are forced to smoke around them. It's ridiculous. I'm not just picking on smokers. I hate anyone who let's an addiction harm the people around them; whether is be from alcohol, gambling, food, or anything. It's selfish terrible behavior. Period.

Yesterday I saw two fat women standing outside the grocery store sucking away on their cigarettes. It's bad enough that they were forcing everyone trying to enter or leave the store to breathe their smoke, but the real kicker was that one women was holding her toddler by the hand and the other woman had a baby strapped to her chest. What the hell!? I'm sorry, but someone needs to sock these despicable twits in their brainless heads. Stop smoking!!

It yellows your teeth and fingers, gives you bad breath, makes your clothes and hair reek, and kills your organs! I don't even know why I'm saying this. I know smoking is bad, you know smoking is bad, EVERYONE knows it's bad, and people are still doing it. Why don't you do something good for yourself and quit already?

Stop being a thoughtless selfish person. Stop throwing your tiny bits of burning garbage everywhere. Stop taking a break every 30 minutes at work so you can go outside and hose yourself down with stink. Stop preventing me from being able to open a window and enjoy a summer breeze. Stop buying $12 packs of lung cancer everyday. Stop smoking around your friends, your family, and especially your kids! Just stop goddamn smoking!

Please.

Sincerely,

Shane

Adventures in Paper: Twisted Squares and Bloody Fingers

Since my university days I've had an interest for folding paper. It wasn't until I went to Korea that my interest turned into a full blown hobby, and these days it's become a bit of a passion. As lame as it might sound, I honestly draw much joy from folding and manipulating paper. Ever since I was a kid, I thought paper had endless potential with what a person could write or draw on it; a blank piece of paper was something waiting to happen. Origami has turned out to be just another form of potential in paper that I really find interesting.

Last year I posted a video of me showing off some of my collection at the time, and in the last month or so, I've been quenching my folding thirst. I figured I would try and make my attempts at this old art a regular segment of my blog. Why? Because as I've said, I find it really interesting, and hopefully I can spread that interest.

First of all, generally I don't make origami animals. I have ... but I'm more drawn to other areas of paper folding like modular origami, abstract and geometric shapes. Yes, it can be fun to make a paper dog, but making a paper dodecahedron is crazier, and therefor cooler in my books.

One branch of origami that is heavily built on geometric shapes that I've recently begun trying is Origami Tessellations. Basically it involves pre-folding a piece of paper for a long time and then spending an even longer (and more frustrating) time trying to fold the paper into submission so it creates a repeating pattern of shapes. For example, here's a sheet of paper with a bunch of pre-folds.

Take the central creased square of the paper and twist it 90 degrees and then set it flat again. Voila! A paper pinwheel thing!

Time to kick it up a notch. Four times the squares meant four times the trouble (I'm good at math). The biggest obstacle is that you can't twist one square at a time. It has to be all done simultaneously. And that was a pain in the ass. Several f-bombs later I got this:

Now that I had the hang of it, time to try 16 squares. Because that'll be more fun, right? I honestly didn't anticipate how long and difficult this would be. The final product took about two hours of creasing and folding to produce:

It's not as crisp as I would like, but I'm happy nonetheless. It's pleasing to look at and touch. I'm a tactile person, which is why I probably eat spaghetti with my hands. When you flip the paper over you can see this:

The weaved pattern was a nice little surprise. Like flipping over the Mona Lisa and finding a taco. So there you have it, my first attempts at an origami tessellation. It's a little distressing, but apparently this design is one of the easiest you can do. I want to try more advanced tessellation patterns, but I fear I will murder a stranger after 4 hours of creasing goes awry.

Aaaaanyway, my next planned installment of Adventures in Paper will be classic origami meets personal challenge. Watch out!

In the Heat of the Night ( I Have Violent Sweat-Mares)

ugh...

UGH!!!

It's so hot I want to puke. Now I know why they call it the dog days of summer; because I want to roll over and play dead.

The last 5 days have been some kind of hell. My apartment has no air circulation, no AC, and no ice filled wading pool. If I walk around outside in the scorching heat, I have no incentive to go home because I know it's another 5-10 degrees hotter indoors. I don't even know what that is with the humidity.

I can't sleep at night. I just lie in a pool of my own sweat. If I do ever fall asleep I wake up suffocating and frantically clawing at my clothes to remove them. Then I realize that I'm naked. And I'm sorry for putting that image in your head.

In any case, I'm upset and tired. There's just no way to be properly rested when you have to sleep in the equivalent of a sauna on fire. I should probably buy an air conditioner, but I don't have the money. I blew it all on iced tea and iced tea stock.

I bought a fan today, which now brings my fan total up to .... two. I figure I could double my chances of not dying that way. I know that the heat and lack of sleep has been making me crazy and/or stupid, and I have proof. While I was carrying my new fan home I stopped in at a bakery and left the fan near the door while I perused the bread. Moments later, as I was walking around the bakery I happened to glance over to the door and I saw the fan in its box and the first thing that popped into my head was: Jeez! Why don't these stupid store owners go ahead and use their freaking fan? It's hot enough in here. What's wrong with them?

Yes, that's right. In less than one minute I had forgotten that it was MY fan I had left by the door. Not only that, I got pissed off at people I don't even know over it. I'm such a moron. You see what the heat is doing to me?! It's making me aggressively stupid!

I hope I never become lost in a desert. You'll find me dead after an hour from wrestling a cactus.

Mitch & Roland: #61 Panic

Happy Canada Day to everyone ... except for the Yanks. They'll have to wait until Sunday to party.

Sandwich with Side of Adrenaline

Today I had a thrilling first experience that didn't involve drugs of any kind. I got to experience an earthquake.

As you no doubt heard, Ottawa experienced a 5.5 magnitude earthquake on Wednesday. At the time I was out having lunch with my partner in crime at a bistro pub when it happened. We were nearly finished our meal when suddenly the restaurant began rumbling. My first thought was that it was a big truck on the road shaking things up, so I turned my head toward the open front of the bistro to see the street.

Instead of seeing a truck, I watched as the front of the restaurant rocked and swayed with the increasing tremors. People were jumping from their seats and rushing the door, and someone outside was shouting, "Everyone get out! Get out!"

It seemed like sound advice, so I ran. Once we were out on the sidewalk I could still feel the quake rumbling beneath my feet and a stranger pointed out to me that the parking meters were vibrating and wobbling.

As it had happened I had thought, "This can't be an earthquake, right? Ottawa doesn't have earthquakes, right?" And in the moment of fleeing the restaurant, I can honestly say it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I may have peed a little. Of course no one was hurt or killed and the restaurant hadn't collapsed the moment we stepped clear, but it was exhilarating nonetheless.

The experience did teach me to always be on my toes. Also, for some reason once I was outside, I found that I had escaped clutching my napkin; as if that would be something important to save. Yeah ... don't call me in a moment of crisis to save your family from a burning building. I'll just end up rescuing all the linens.

So far in my life I've experienced floods, a hurricane, and now an earthquake. Next on my list? I'm looking at you, tornado. Bring it on!

Mitch & Roland: #60 Clean

It certainly has been an inexcusable amount of time since I've last posted a Mitch and Roland comic. That being said, I hope you will excuse the amount of time it's been since I've posted a Mitch and Roland comic.

My Doodles at Work

I'm not going to say that I'm unfocused at work, but sometimes the only thing that relieves the boredom is a bit of paper. I'm the kind of man that needs to keep his hands busy. Sometimes after watching a movie I'll look down and find that I've crocheted a blanket.

Here's a cowboy. I call him Slim "Gut-punch" McCoy. As you can tell from this stunning illustration, he is a heartless, ruthless, killing machine. An infamous horse thief and womanizer, he kills anyone that looks at him funny. He also loves sherbet and playing tiddlywinks.

If you couldn't tell immediately this drawing is all about a duck-centric version of "Back to the Future". It would be about a duck named Mallard McFly who finds out that his scientist friend, Doctor Emmitt Down, has invented time travel when you fly at 88 FPS (Flaps-per-second). Mallard ends up getting sent back in time, accidentally interfering with his parents meeting, and facing the chance of never even being hatched. It then becomes a race against time to get his parents back together and return to the present before his influence on the past creates a time para-ducks. Uh ... it's a work in progress.

This last doodle is based on a concept I devised with the uncompromising Cole. Like most of you out there, I spent my university career hanging out with friends, mocking bad television, and coming up with better shows of our own. The TV show that hopefully will eventually find it's way to the small screen is "Medi-Cops". We figured that since most TV dramas are about doctors or police officers, why not fuse them together? Surgeons by day and ridiculously brutal cops by night (or vice versa), they would perform astounding feats like gunning down a criminal in the street, only to rush him to the E.R. to carefully extract the bullets, save his life, and then proceed to interrogate him.

If I recall correctly, one of the cops would carry dual pistols that he would rub together like cardiac paddles, then shout "Clear!" before leaping out from around a corner and opening fire. They would also have a multitude of awesome catchphrases like:

"He needs 30cc's of lead, stat!"

"Take two of these and I'll see you in jail by morning." (These are most likely bullets.)

"It's time to pull the plug on these street punks!"

"My diagnosis? You're under arrest!"

"An apple a day won't do shit."

"I.V. seeing you in the slammer."

"Time of death ... in about 10 seconds."

As you can see, it's a downward slope, but this stuff writes itself. Anyone who doesn't support this potential hit is a fool. Well, I gotta go and -hey! ... where did all these doilies come from?

Goodly-Portion-of-the-World Cup

The air is electric and that can mean only one thing. No, not Tesla Coils. It's World Cup 2010!

That's right. We've all been waiting anxiously and now we will finally know which country has the best soccer team ... in the whole goddamn world. I know it seems like we figured that out in 2006, and previously in 2002, and before that every four years going back numerous decades, but this is the real deal! And I've got my money on Honduras. Honduras is a place, right? And they have and team and qualified and stuff? Yeah, right on. Go Honduras! Not too many people know this, but Honduras comes from a Spanish word meaning "Home of Durability".

I suppose I should be rooting for Canada, but apparently Canada isn't part of the world. Thanks, FIFA. I guess we're good enough for World Wars, but not World Cups. Pfft. No matter. We still have out own special cup we can win. We just don't feel like it though.

Having watched several games already, I feel I have a firm grasp of the game and how it's played. I know that if another player ever makes contact with you, you should tumble immediately to the ground in a death roll and act like every bone in your legs have been shattered. I also know that soccer fans must sound their cheap plastic horns for the entire event no matter what. Even if nothing significant is happening, and no one is actually playing. Of course there's nothing wrong with celebrating and being enthusiastic, but can I watch two consecutive seconds of a game without the crowd sounding like a bunch of dying 18-wheelers?

Soccer is an amazing game. The only flaw is that the field isn't long enough, and the nets are too small. Am I right? If soccer ever wants to be become a serious sport like golf, it's definitely going to have to expand a few acres to avoid being so crowded. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of Foosball.

Uh ... Go Honduras!!