Willy, Kat, and the Sea of Hats

Man, did you see that royal wedding thing on the television box? It was dang festive, it was. Sure it disappointed on some levels. There was no traditional fitting of the glass slipper, and not once did Queen Elizabeth whip her big hat into the crowd and wail on a guitar.

And where were the pyrotechnics? You're telling me they couldn't arrange some golden firework show, or even one exploding dove? For shame! I don't know much about these sorts of traditions, but where was all the spectacle of William and Kate entering Westminster Abbey on a bejeweled elephant while tuxedoed monkeys with sparklers do back flips?

Oh well. All in all it wasn't so bad. It's not very often you see something like this. I'd recommend it to anyone who enjoys watching 7 hour wedding ceremonies and hundreds of women wearing insane hats. Seriously, what was with the hats? Did these women all storm Lady Gaga's wardrobe?

I heard that you're going to the royal wedding?

Yes, I'm going to wear my meter-wide sun hat with the built in diorama.

Oh yeah, well I'm going to wear my scepter bonnet with a peacock glued to it.

Is that so, well I hear the Queen will be wearing her Omega hat with the plasma dome and lasers.

What a show off.

Cinema-plosion! Sucker-punched and Thirsty for More

Figured I would increase the movie content on the site by sharing my thoughts on ten films I've seen recently. There's no connecting theme here, just that I've watched them for the first time recently. Let the reviews commence!

Sucker Punch (2011)

This is a movie that has everything and means nothing. Watching it was like being punched in the face with a fist made out of stupid. I was expecting something far better from the director of Watchmen, Dawn of the Dead, and 300, but alas, Zack Snyder should avoid writing his own material.

This would have probably been hugely entertaining to me when I was ten, but unfortunately I can see that it's a bunch of boring empty characters engaging in absurd disjointed action sequences that have no real meaning. This should have either been a video game, or it should have focussed on only one of it's ten themes.

House of the Devil (2009)

Lots of house, not enough devil. This movie is filmed in a way that makes it look and feel like it was pulled directly out of classic 80's horror and I really dug that. Not a lot happens for much of the movie but that just builds suspense (or boredom?).

Worth a rental if you like babysitters in creepy situations, and who doesn't? Spoiler alert, the house doesn't burn down like in the poster.

The Illusionist (2010)

While a French illusionist travels around trying to survive in a world that doesn't appreciate his dying trade he encounters a young girl who grows fond of him and tags along on his journey. The more I think about it, this movie is a lot like an animated version of Leon: The Professional, if you replaced being a hitman with being a magician.

It's a beautiful movie I'd highly recommend. And fear not, illiterates! Even though it's a foreign film there are no subtitles to read as the movie is practically devoid of any dialogue .

Buried (2010)

A guy gets buried alive in a coffin in Iraq and spends 90 minutes with a cellphone trying to escape. The movie never leaves his perspective for the entire thing but it's shot well enough to keep it interesting and tense throughout.

I liked it, but I wouldn't watch it again. I enjoy my stuck-in-a-coffin films ala Kill Bill Vol. 2, where you punch your way out immediately and get to more interesting things.

Thirst (2009)

A South Korean vampire movie from one of my favorite directors, it tells the story of a priest who becomes a vampire and the crazy bitch he falls in love with.

I'm not going to lie, this movie is long and slowly paced, but it's got some stellar moments of craziness and violence. I love the creepy characters, the twisted imagery, the sexy conflicts, the dark comedy, and everything in between. As far as vampire movies go, it's truly different, and after repeated viewings it's one of my favorites.

Insidious (2011)

I am disappoint. I really wanted to like this movie. I really wanted to be scared. But I don't, and I wasn't.

A lot of people seemed to really really like this movie, and even the people around me leaving the theater couldn't shut up about how scary and awesome it was. Is there something wrong with me? Have I become jaded?

Occasionally creepy? Yes. Good use of practical spooky effects. Yes. Scariest movie in years? Not even close.

Source Code (2011)

Groundhogs Day meets Unstoppable? Hurrah! Based on one of Phillip K. Dick's 74 million short stories, it's about a guy who has to solve a mystery about who planted a bomb on a train by reliving the same 8 minutes over and over.

It was interesting, fun, exciting, and while the ending left me with some moral questions, I was entertained throughout.

Catfish (2010)

A documentary that tells the possibly true story of a filmmaker discovering the truth behind a girl and her family that he met online. The trailers for this film would have you believe the ending of the film will be some graphic nightmare the likes of Texas Chainsaw, but it offensively misleading.

The ending is still horrifying in it's own way. Whether this is a real documentary or not makes no difference to me because it's presented in a way that's believable either way. A disturbing movie, and more evidence that we need to all lay off the facebook a bit.

Silver Bullet (1985)

This is a movie I would have loved as a kid and probably watched over and over. I have no idea how it slipped under my radar for decades.

If I could sum up the plot in one sentence it would be "Kid in wheelchair and Gary Busey vs. a werewolf". Actually it's not so much a wheelchair but a gas powered death-cycle that can outrace cars.

If any of that sounds interesting, give it a watch. It is so beautifully ridiculous and bad.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (2010)
This documentary was much more interesting that I had expected. It follows the ups and downs of Joan Rivers through a year of her life, and for people who only know her only as the woman who would talk to celebrities about what they're wearing on the red carpet, this film lets you know what a important figure she's been in the world of comedy.

She is a workaholic constantly producing material with an insane schedule that doesn't let up. The movie helps you appreciate both her larger than life personality, but also reveals her insecurities and a compulsion to be in the spotlight. Joan Rivers has had a hell of career and there is no stopping this woman.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VII

It's been a while since I posted one of these. Apologies.

So this one is pretty straightforward and I call it "Hollywood Signs". You must figure out the title of a movie through a series of simple images. Sometimes the color red will help to emphasize some part of the picture. There really not too much to explain. You'll figure it out.

Also, I'm working on some more "Sketch Theatre" movie challenges for some upcoming Mondays. Those have turned out to be my favorite.

Anyway, see if you can solve each row to discover the 4 movies.

Making Salad in a Fifth of a Second

Tired of spending hours in the kitchen chopping, slicing, and dicing your life away? Fed up with those useless kitchen contraptions that take the fun out of cooking? Fear not, for the future of food preparation is here!

It's the Hop 'n' Chop!! Over 400 reinforced micro-steel blades mounted inside a cylindrical base that you sit on to chop food in a fraction of the time. And that's not all, with it's specially engineered handlebars and balanced seating it makes dicing and jumping safe for adults and children alike!

Each Hop 'n' Chop comes with a 12 x 12 foot Kevlar cutting mat to save your hardware floors from the razor sharp nightmare that makes preparing meals a breeze.

The secret of the Hop 'n' Chop's power is its design and the way it uses gravity and your weight to cut through the toughest of land mammals. And with hundreds at your disposal you'll never have to replace a dull blade again. The Hop 'n' Chop uses a unique air-powered blade ejection system to fire used blades a quarter mile into the earth. Presto! It's so easy that even Grandma will give it a try.

Take a look at this 30 pound frozen turkey. Place the Hop 'n' Chop over the bird and one jump later you've got perfect chunks for dinner. A second jump makes it idea for soup. The third jump will make refreshing turkey shakes.

From small jobs like chopping a few bags of onions, to large jobs like mincing the entire contents of your fridge, the Hop 'n' Chop does it all. It's time to get the whole family jumping for joy in the kitchen, and with the revolutionary Hop 'n' Chop a good easily chewable meal is just a hop, chop, and jump away!

Order now!

Adventures in Paper: Stairs, Mountains, and More

This time around let's take a look at kirigami, which translates literally into "cut paper". There are many styles of kirigami, but my favorite, and the one I've spent the most time practicing is all about having the paper folded at 90 degree angles. It creates a three dimensional effect that I think is pretty cool. Here is the first design I learned.

So with just a few cuts of the paper and a few inverted folds you can create the illusion of depth and volume. The illusion only works at 90 degrees, however. It closes up like pop-up book, or it would flatten out if you opened it all the way. Here's another example.

Another thing I really like about kirigami is how much freedom you have. There are some basic structural limitations that I quickly learned, but the possibilities are still numerous. Even though it doesn't have the same clean look, I've been using graph paper to experiment because it's a shortcut around the boring tedium of measuring out every fold. All the designs below are my own that I worked out through trial and error.

This one was an early attempt to break from the shackles of symmetrical balance. Does it resemble a house? A printer? A fireplace? Who knows.

I call this one "Desolation of the Mind's Fortitude and Persistent Agony". If that doesn't make sense, you're not looking hard enough.

One of the most fun things to cut are stairs. As my Grandpa used to say, "Let's get all Escher up in this bitch."

Here's another that would be dangerous if it existed in life size. What can I say? Japanese paper art just isn't wheelchair accessible.

This is an early attempt at a mountain shape, but I think it ended up looking more like a cake.

Here's my favorite I've done so far. Every time I look at it I think about Death Mountain or Minas Tirith.

Here's another angle. Actually, I've found that using the graph paper gives everything a cool blocky pixelated look that I quite enjoy. It makes things look like an 8 bit game extending into 3D or like the game Minecraft.

Here's another attempt at making some sort of mountain terrain. It's got a bridge and everything! Unfortunately with more cuts and more complicated folds the paper becomes less stable and doesn't stand up well on it's own. This is the price of awesomeness.

Here it is in collapsed form. As you can see, kirigami is not only fun, it's folds up to easily fit under your bed. How practical!

That's all for now. I may do another kirigami post in the future, but I think next time I will introduce you to the versatile "Sonobe" and the madness of modular origami.

Perspective

Hey, I've just had a few lousy days weather wise here in Ottawa. Everyday has been snow, rain or a combination. Going outside is an ordeal, and I came to my blog to bitch about it accordingly. I even drew up some cartoons to illustrate the point.

Funny, huh?

Well, as I was uploading the pictures and getting ready to write a few sarcastic paragraphs, the news came on TV announcing a massive earthquake has hit Japan and they cut to some astounding footage of tsunami water washing across the land and decimating towns.

All day I've been griping with friends and coworkers about this rainy weather. I came online to complain about my feet getting wet, then I was utterly humbled by this serious catastrophe. To put it lightly, I feel like a pathetic whiny bitch.

Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the big picture and how good things are in your life compared to the hardships people face.

I'm The Only Academy That Matters

I hope you're all geared up for the biggest day of television of the year. The Oscars! Dust off your top hat, put on some pants, and get ready for 9 hours of televised trophy exchanges.

Look, I could sit here and mock the Oscars for being stupid, long, and pointless (I can't deny that it's all three), but I have to admit that I look forward to it each year. Movies are such an important part of my life that I can't help but watch and get excited when a movie I like wins, and get pissed off when a movie I like loses.

This is one of the few instances in which I can relate to a sports fan. I'm always baffled at how people can invest so much time and emotion into the outcome of a game played by people they have no real connection to or influence over. But then I find myself tense that a movie I had no part in making may or may not win a meaningless gold statue in a contest I couldn't vote for at an award show I will never attend.

Despite this, I will be watching tonight and I've made my guesses for each category. I usually end up making two lists; the ones I think will win, and the ones I want to win. I'm usually pretty good at guessing the ones that will win, but each year I'm left aghast at some of the Academy's selections (Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress for The Blind Side, Jesus Hand-basket Christ). Just for fun, here are my picks for the three biggest awards of the night.

Best Actor I think will go to Colin Firth for "The King's Speech", but I would like to see James Franco win for "127 Hours". Both great performances based on real people overcoming difficult circumstances, though I think a speech impediment is trumped by sawing off your own arm with the equivalent of a dull butter knife.

Best Actress will go to Natalie Portman for "Black Swan" and that's exactly what I would like to see. Though, for this category it's really bizarre that Hailee Steinfeld from "True Grit" didn't make the list and somehow got stuck on the Best Supporting Actress list. If you've seen "True Grit" (and you most definitely should), you know that Hailee Steinfeld owned that film and she was not part of the supporting cast; she was the goddamn main character. But what are you going to do? The Academy is kind of retarded.

I've seen 7 of the 10 nominees for Best Picture and I think it will go to "The Social Network", but I would much prefer "Black Swan" or "True Grit" to win. Not to say that I disliked "The Social Network", I just enjoyed some of the others a lot more.

Well those are my picks. Tonight we'll see if my team wins. And if not, I plan to be elbow-deep into a plate of nachos to ease the pain.

A Brief Lesson on Family Day

Having grown up in Nova Scotia for much of my life, I had never heard of Family Day before moving to Ottawa, but apparently it is a public holiday observed by nearly 60% of Canadians. All I really care is that it means a paid day off for me, but still I became interested in the origin and traditions of this February holiday. Here now are the customs of Family Day as I've observed:

Traditionally, Canadians will start off their Family Day, much as their forefathers did hundreds of years ago, by sleeping in until whenever they want. It is customary for the children of the household to get up earlier than the parents and watch cartoons while eating a bowl of Froot Loops. This is done in memory of all the families in the past who could not afford Froot Loops.

If the family had been good that year, they would be rewarded by Tarandus, the mystical space caribou, with something worthwhile to watch on TV. But if the family had indeed been naughty, then Tarandus will force them to do laundry and other household chores, even though the weather outside isn't so bad.

Later in the day, the family will set out for their local shopping mall, just like the pilgrims did thousands of years ago. The eldest son will be given the honor of remembering where they parked, and each family member will shop individually and meet up later at an assigned location because the mall closes early out of respect for our ancestors on this holy day.

Because cooking is forbidden on Family Day, each Canadian household will order out. The custom is to eat either chicken from a bucket or pizza from a box much like the days of yore before proper dinnerware was discovered and boxes or buckets were the only available food containers. Each family member will pay tribute to the meal by trying to not argue with each other over pointless bullshit. Traditionally, the greasy napkins, chicken bones, and pizza crusts will be left forgotten near the kitchen sink so that mothers may yell at everyone the next morning.

After dinner, families will congregate around the sacred television or internet and remain immobile for several hours to pay respect to our founding fathers or Jesus or someone. Around nine o'clock Tarandus' spell will break so that children and adults alike will remember that they have to work or study tomorrow, and everyone will complain accordingly. And with that realization, Family Day will have come to an end once more.

May Tarandus bless you and your home, and have a Merry Family Day. Unless you live in British Columbia, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Newfoundland or any of the territories.