Mitch & Roland: #33 Treat

Halloween lands on a Wednesday this year, which is a real shame, so I hope everyone is making this weekend their official Halloween shindig. I don't have much to do this Halloween besides carving a couple pumpkins. I still may dump a huge pile of candy on the floor and roll around in it for old times sake.

So to my readers, friends, and family ... may you all have a spook-tacular, boo-tastical, fright-erific, Choco-ween. And here is the second Halloween comic for Mitch and Roland.

Johann "Poppy Seed" Bach

As I perused the Dollarama (Latin for poor), I spotted a music CD titled "Bach and Bagels". I'll let you think about that for a while.

I don't know why bagels are involved. There was even a bagel coated in cream cheese on the cover. When I flipped it over and read the track listing all I could find was musical pieces composed by Bach. None of them seemed to have anything to do with bagels.

Did Bach enjoy bagels? Are the makers of this CD suggesting that I should eat bagels while listening to this music? Will the two complement one another? I have no idea.

Just another delightful discovery made at your local dollar-priced item distributor. I suggest you pick up "Bach and Bagels" and explore the mystery yourself. It would really go well with that cheese grater you picked up that will break the minute you rub anything more solid than a rotting banana against it.

In Case of Fire ... Weep

Honestly, there has got to be no greater money making scheme than that of 'Insurance'. Along with the laughing casino people, insurance has found a wondrous method of collecting money in exchange for nothing.

The reason I'm suddenly going off on insurance is because since I've returned to Canada it seems like I get dozens of phone calls a week from people hawking their insurance coverage plans. It's ridiculous and I'm getting thoroughly sick of it.

"Did you know that you qualify for our life insurance package?"
"If you keeping goddamn calling, I'm gonna make sure you qualify for a wheelchair!"

Stores and businesses who have no business offering insurance are doing it now. And no wonder. Who wouldn't want to branch out and begin collecting money while offering zip?

Well, that's not true...they do offer some things. They provide a service of arguing over what you're entitled to when you do come to collect.

Nothing about insurance makes any sense. You're paying into a plan that only gives compensation to the events that are least likely to occur. Well, what the frig kind of sense does that make? I thought the whole point was to protect oneself from the financial burden of things that could happen. Let's say you live in a house with trees around it. Insurance companies will not cover you in the event of a tree falling and damaging your house. Why? Because that is something that may happen. They have the balls to look people in the face and tell them this.

"Can I get insurance in case of a flood?"
"Heeeeeeeell, no."
"Why not?"
"Well for starters, you live in an area that occasionally floods."
"...Yeah...This is precisely why I need that insurance."
"No, that's precisely why we won't give it to you."

Unbelievable. And let's say you live on a mountain, and for some reason a flood does damage your home. Don't expect the insurance to parachute in and give you a bag of cash. The insurance police will show up and investigate your claim. I mean, how do we know you didn't cause that flood? Did you do everything in your power to prevent it? Why did you sit idly by and not stop it? You make me sick!

If you're getting a cheque from an insurance company, life must have really screwed you sideways, because even they can't detect a loophole. When I think about it, I'm shocked that there is such a thing as life insurance that pays out in the event of a person's death. Death is guaranteed, which seems to go against everything insurance is about.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge...

Would you do it too?
The doctor is in again with more informative ... information. This is important stuff here. I'm serious. This just might save your life. Or at the very least your dignity.

Candy Corn and Liver Failure

Every year at the end of October, thousands of North Americans injure themselves during Halloween activities. In order to spread awareness of these potential holiday dangers, here is the breakdown of the most common Halloween injuries.

- Drowning in overzealous apple bobbing matches.

- Blinding yourself while cutting eye holes in mask while still wearing mask.

- Trying to eat around the razor blades in your candy.

- Burst stomach from eating too many of those nasty mellocreme pumpkin candies.

- Falling the wrong way on a gourd.

- Accidentally swallowing fake vampire fangs.

- Getting beaten up by angry teenagers when you run out of treats.

- Back injury cause by improper lifting technique of pillowcase filled to brim with fun-sized candy bars.

- Having drunken sex in an abandoned house on the anniversary of a serial killer's demise in said house.

- Holding pumpkin while your father carves it.

- Inhaling clump of decorative spider web.

- Laughing at a knife-wielding midget hobo that you think is just a kid dressed as a hobo.

- Dislocating jaw on caramel apple.

- Tripping on cape in shower while doing the Monster Mash.

Mitch & Roland: #32 Trick

The air is becoming more crisp, the leaves are turning, and stores at the mall are beginning to put out their Christmas merchandise. This can mean only one thing: Halloween is fast approaching.

I'm lucky enough to live close to town yet still be surrounded by the countryside. Across the street from house I can see a sprawling field of pumpkins and this has totally gotten me into the Halloween mood. The life of a pumpkin is a strange one. While some are transformed into delicious pies, most are viciously gutted, filled with fire, and left on a porch to rot.

Let us have a moment of silence to honour these brave and gentle gourds.

Giving Thanks for Extra Belt Notches

Happy Thanksgiving to all Canadian friends. And to your families as well. Sure, why not. May the day be filled with gratitude, retrospection, and copious liters of gravy. If you don't know, the traditions of Thanksgiving started in the 1600's when early settlers enjoyed a feast with Native Americans to celebrate obesity. The pilgrims showed Squanto how to make Stove Top stuffing, and the natives showed the pilgrims how to eat corn without getting all those annoying fiber-strands wedged between your teeth.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I always thought it was stupid that Americans celebrate their Turkey Day in the final week of November. With twelve months in a year, American Christmas and Thanksgiving are only about a month apart and they cook and devour a giant bird for each. I think they could have spaced it out a bit.

And speaking of Turkeys, I still have trouble believing in the existence of Turduckens. The first time someone told me that you can buy turkeys stuffed with ducks stuffed with chickens, I thought for sure it was a total lie. At this point I wanted to make a joke about the pure gluttony of many many meats together and how we might as well wrap the whole turducken with bacon and add some sausage. After doing some research on this bastard food, I find it impossible to mock because people do stuff the extra crevices of turduckens with sausage, and they DO wrap the packed bird with bacon. In fact this process of nesting birds inside of birds was once done with 17 birds in 19th century France where (and I quote) "the final bird is small enough that it can be stuffed with a single olive".

And speaking of gluttony, I was thinking the other day about garlic fingers and how strange a food choice they are to have with pizza. Well, just think about it. Only North Americans would look at a giant greasy pizza and go:

"Jeez! You know what would go great with this pizza? A smaller cheese pizza."

"Yeah, I know. If only there was someway we could eat more bread and cheese without technically buying another pizza."

"Well you do have that bucket of garlic butter with you. Let's see if we can work something out."

"That's the spirit!"

Well I gotta get going. There's some serious eating to be done.