Ready to Stumble

(The following was inspired by a sign I read on the wall in the hospital)

Do you find yourself filled with fear that the ground may come rushing towards you at any moment?

Are you filled with constant dread that you may lose your footing while carrying an armful of florescent bulbs?

You are not alone.

Everyday thousands upon dozens of people are falling without warning and without regulation sized helmets. Many people assume it will never happen to them, but did you know that someone falls and breaks a hip in North America every eleven days? How can I prevent this from happening to me, you ask? It's as simple as recognizing the warning signs:

Are you at risk???

-Do you walk for more than 40 seconds a day?
-Are you wearing two pieces of footwear that don't match?
-Are you drunk?
-Do you use water and other slippery fluids while showering?
-Are your shoelaces tied together, or not tied at all?

If you answered yes to any of these, then you are in the top ten percent of high risk fallers ( the low percentages being wheelchair bound and/or midgets). To avoid becoming another gruesome statistic, one should follow these simple guidelines:

-Never break your gaze from the ground while walking.
-If the traveling distance is short, crawl or shimmy to your destination.
-Replace all stairs in your home with slides.
-Wear three more layers of clothing than necessary to pad yourself. Or become obese.
-Use the buddy system! Get to where you're going while clutching to a friend for support.

Sadly, even the most prepared individual is still likely to fall from time to time. When about to fall it's best to aim for the nearest soft surface to minimize wounds, such as a pile of leaves, a bed, or a baby lamb. When it happens and you find yourself sprawled out on the pavement, be sure to follow this procedure to reduce injury and recover quickly.

1) Jerk your head left and right in quick snapping motions. If it feels like bones are broken, don't do that anymore.

2) Scream for help and claw desperately at the legs of any passerby.

3) Once the bleeding slows turn over onto your stomach and carefully raise up until you are on your hands and knees.

4) Crawl to an object that you may use use for standing support, such as a chair, a medium sized dog, or a rickshaw.

5) Once you are able to stand erect, survey the area and find the safest route to a hospital.

In this treacherous world of uneven surfaces and buttered socks, we must try to live with the fierce forces of gravity and recognize the inherent risk of walking from point A to B. We can reduce that risk with the simple choices we make everyday; whether it be going around the icy sidewalk, or not grasping at the glass cabinet when losing one's footing on a newly waxed floor.