Adventures in Paper: Like Mathematic Snowflakes Part One

It's been a while since I posted something about my fold-stuffs. Lately I've been focusing on tessellations and using square, rectangular, and hexagonal sheets of paper. Here are some of my earlier attempts:

Often the starting point for any tessellation pattern is by creasing a piece of paper into a grid of triangles and then working them from there. The sheets of paper above and below both started with the same folds and then took on completely different forms.

This one is different from the others because it's more of a 3 dimensional model that doesn't lie flat. But like all tessellations it's made of a repeating fold pattern. I like this one quite a bit.

Here's one I designed myself by just putting together folding techniques I learned with others. I call it, "The Legend of Star Force Power Squad". No, wait, that's the name for my upcoming Saturday morning cartoon.

An aspect of the tessellations I like is how new patterns emerge when they are backlit, like this one. Often people will fold them with foil or plastic sheets to emphasize this effect. But all I can afford is plain ol' modified printer paper. This one looks like a sea of flux capacitors.

Here's another basic pattern that starts with a hexagon twist. And no, that's not the new dance craze. "Hey, did you see Bobby dislocate his groin when he tried the hexagon twist? It was rad."

Next time I'll unleash a batch of images of more advanced tessellations I'm quite proud of. I soon learned that doubling the folds somehow quadruples the results. I don't know how it works, but I'm pretty sure it's magic.

Secret Santa

You know, I really think that Santa Claus and Superman are the same dude. Honestly, just think about it.

First of all, they both watch over mankind and teach children about good moral behavior. They both love wearing red, have homes established in the far north, and can freaking fly.

But Shane, you say, they look nothing alike. Well, Superman is known for disguises and having an alter ego. Why not have one more? Have you ever seen the two of them in the same place? I didn't think so.

Plus only a man with superhuman strength and speed would be capable of carrying and delivering billions of gifts in one night. And you know how he "sees you when your sleeping" or "knows if you been bad or good"? How else would he know without super hearing and the ability to see through walls?

C'mon people, Kris Kringle is from Krypton!

Holy shit.

Pre-Pre-Christmas Prep

There's snow on the ground and it's beginning to feel like Christmas. You know when it didn't feel like Christmas? The morning after Halloween. But that didn't stop every goddamn store from busting out the holiday decorations and Christmas goods on November 1st. I didn't even have time to blow out the candle on my jack-o-lantern before I was waist deep in colored lights and tinsel.

I love the Mass of Christ as much as the next garland stringin' fool, but I don't need it to last 3 months. It's 12 days of Christmas for a reason.

Speaking of the 12 Days of Christmas, what a lousy song. It's too damn long. How many times have you given up around eight maids a milking because you knew Jingle Bells doesn't require concentration. I'll tell you how many times ... 38. That's a lot. It's like 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: the Christmas carol.

That is all. Please carry on with your 60+ days of holiday shopping. And to the rest of you, I'll see you at walmart near closing time on Christmas eve.

"Halloween": A Halloween Poem (About Halloween)

On this blessed Halloween,

I pray by amber pumpkin light,

That imps and ghouls and spirits mean,

May all have such a fiendish night.

Even though we all grow older,

Don your hats, capes, mask, and mesh.

Sling your loot over your shoulder;

Bite through candied apple flesh.

Brittle leaves and candle rays-

I grin so widely people fear it.

Though I'm mortal other days,

Tonight I am a wayward spirit.

Happy Halloween to everyone out in Internet Town. I'll see you suckers in stupid November!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VI

This week's movie challenge is something I'm going to call "Sketch Theatre". It's pretty simple. The four drawings below each represent a movie title. They aren't scenes from the films; instead it's all about showing the title through word play or a literal depiction.

I hope you enjoy, and I would certainly like to dish out more of these on future Mondays if it pleases those playing along.

Don't over think them too much, but if you're stumped, the solutions are a click away below. Don't peak right away, Jesus frowns upon it.

Costumes for Octoberween

As we near the holiest of holidays, I try to get myself in the Halloween mood. At this point in my life I'm too old to go out trick or treating, and I have no children of my own to take out trick or treating (and then take my cut of the candy from), so it's all about watching horror films and/or eating bags of fun-sized candy bars in the dark. No dressing up for this fool.

But for those of you who are still likely to break out a costume, may I suggest some of these new costumes that I feel will soon catch on.

I Sleep in the Pretzel Position

I woke up the other day with a muscle cramp in my chest. What does that mean? I've gotten these things in my legs before and all I can do is stretch my leg out and cry like a girl. But when you get one around the bottom of your rib cage because you slept in a bad position folded up in thirds, what do you do? Ask someone to grab both your arms from behind and kick you in the back? I must be incredibly out of shape. Time to do a hundred crunches before bed without stretching.

I need to obtain a more active lifestyle, but I often end up doing something wrong and hurting myself. Long time readers of my blog will know that on one of the only attempts I made to play basketball, I broke my finger. I'm afraid that if I take up jogging both of my knees will explode.

Plus I need to quit with all the eating and such. No more Cheeto sandwiches for breakfast, and no more pie eating contests in the middle of the night. It'll be baby steps.

It's not my fault that I've gotten fatter since coming back to Canada. It's not my fault that every holiday is centered around eating until you get chest cramps. It's not my fault that every commercial when the sun goes down is advertising salty, greasy food porn. It's not my fault this society and culture is made up of a bunch of gravy gorging ogres who stomp their foot once for super-size, and rev their electric mobility carts twice for extra cheese.

That reminds me... KFC's Double Down burger is just one more step towards the apocalypse we all know is coming. We are this close to McDonald's introducing a sandwich with the meat of nine different animals called the Zoo Burger.

Where was I? I'm a victim here! It's not my fault that something something angry words! Since I buy, cook, and consume the food that makes me fat, am I really to blame? Well, yes actually. That's exactly what it means.

Wow! I think I've realized something really important; I've finally begun to accept the fact that I'm the source of my own pain and lifestyle of excess. A breakthrough of this magnitude deserves a reward.

**slaps taco out of own hand**

NO! Bad Shane!

Monday Movie Challenge - Round V

While you're busy sulking and being miserable at work, please ponder this new set of movie puzzle/trivia. This week's game I'm going to call, "Character Connection" ... yeah, why not. I love me some alliteration.

How does it work? I'll give you the names of two characters and you'll have to figure out what movie the two actors who played those characters did together. For example, if I give you Steve Zissou + Black Widow, the answer is going to be Lost in Translation. Because Steve Zissou was played by Bill Murray in Life Aquatic, and Scarlet Johannson played Black Widow in Iron Man 2. And Bill and Scarlet were both in Lost in Translation. There you have it.

Keep in mind that the two actors in the final movie don't have to be main characters, they are just two people who starred in the same movie. So give these a shot and feel free to leave some challenges of your own in the comments.

1) Woody + Amelie

2) Shaft + The Fly

3) Dorothy Gale + The Hulk

4) Catwoman + Dark Helmet

5) Lex Luthor + The Grand High Witch

6) Batman + Lara Croft

7) The Devil + Shrek

8) Judge Doom + Frodo

9) Ferris Bueller + Darth Vader

10) Gandhi + Zeus

Give up? Click below.

Ranch Fresco

I'm currently working on another movie challenge that will be on it's way before long, but I figured I would reveal the answers to Round III's "Movie in the Middle" challenge. Here they are, and if you got all of them correct, your trophy is in the mail. For the rest of you, please accept this imaginary participation ribbon. Moving on ...

I noticed the Subway near my work is hiring; a sign in the window described employees as "Sandwich Artists". That seems like a pretty fancy job title for someone who makes sandwiches. Artist? What is artistic about placing ingredients in a pile according to someone's preference?

"Here's your sandwich, I layered the cheese so that you may see it in greater relief. I really think those tomatoes pop. And you'll be impressed with the squeeze patterns of chipotle sauce I arranged. Yes, the bread is my canvas and I'm a regular Vincent van Toast."

Give me a break. Additionally, I'm sick of every store and franchise wanting me to become a fan of it on Facebook or following it on Twitter. I really really don't need to see status updates for Quiznos or make Dunkin Donuts an Internet friend.

Superheroes That Suck

Here are some sketches I made while in university of some of the shittiest superheroes I could create. Even worse than Jubilee.

Back to the Drawing Board

Anyone paying attention will notice that there have been a number of changes to the site lately. One, all the images have gone missing, and two, there's a new design to the site. Due to my own tomfoolery I may have mistakenly destroyed countless drawings on the site, which I will do my best to replace. Don't hit me.

I hope you approve of the new look. I'm still working out the kinks, and I hope things will fall into place much like a game of Tetris. Until then, I'm just stacking up useless garbage blocks until a long block decides to show up.

Another zigzig!? Where am I gonna put that!?

Monday Movie Challenge - Round IV

There's been no feedback for "Movie in the Middle", so I'm assuming that everyone was utterly stumped last week and I will save the answers for the next round.

Today for the Monday Movie Challenge, I offer a more creative challenge that I think everyone can get on board with and enjoy. This game, which we will call "Shitty Movie", is another game I heard about while listening to random podcasts and may be my new favorite thing.

How does it work? Well all you have to do is think of a real existing movie title that sounds hilarious if we imagine the movie is about someone taking a huge shit. That's it. Gone with the Wind is a classic, but if we envision that the film is about someone on the can, it's suddenly funny. It's all about finding the right movie title.

Below I offer up some of my favorite titles that I've heard or discovered myself. I expect everyone that reads this to participate in the comments. Bring on the funny, people!

The Longest Yard

The Green Mile

Kicking and Screaming

Push

Bend it Like Beckham

Backdraft

Rear Window

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Black Beauty

Seven Pounds

Naked Lunch

Five Easy Pieces

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

There Will Be Blood

Operation Dumbo Drop

So c'mon, everybody. Make me proud.

The Food Cycle

Just like Mufasa said in "The Lion King", we are all part of the circle of life. A chicken eats a worm, you eat the chicken, a giant space worm eats you. It's beautiful, really.

All aspects of life obey the laws of this cycle, including the crummy food served in school cafeterias around the world. Here is a diagram I sketched up about 8 years ago. Man I feel old.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round III

This week I'm presenting you all with a variation of a game from one of my favorite podcasts, "Doug Loves Movies". On the show Doug and his guests try to string together movie titles with connecting words into one long chain. For this movie challenge I'll be giving you a chain of three movies and the trick is to guess the center title. I call it "Movie in the Middle".

For example, the answer to the clue The Great (~~~) Confidential would be Escape from LA because it gives you The Great Escape and LA Confidential. I think it's pretty straightforward. Good luck!

1. Cop (~~~) Boys
2. Vanilla (~~~) Never Dies
3. Red (~~~) and Souls.
4. City of (~~~) of Dreams
5. Thirteen (~~~) Attacks
6. Snake (~~~)ter Island
7. A. (~~~) Kids
8. Face (~~~) Cowboys
9. View from the (~~~) Window
10. Ham (~~~) side (~~~) Wall

Delay: The Movie!

It's Monday, but I'm afraid Round III of the movie challenge will have to be pushed back a week. Don't get mad, I warned you this might happen. I do have a job and stuff. For real.

If you're still struggling with some of the titles from Movies Associated, you can find the answers over here. And hey, it looks like Cake is gonna win against Pie, but this is not completely unexpected. Cake is the universal celebratory baked good. Be sure to watch out as each month a new showdown will appear. Also, here is a picture to appease you in the absence of a movie challenge. Stay cool.

Castaway Coins and Filthy Bathroom Pumps?

I hate pennies. They are worthless. Nobody wants to keep them. There's never a good opportunity to use them. People toss them aside like half finished cigarettes, and just like cigarette butts only desperate people pick them up. There's a reason people use credit cards and debit cards; because handling coins is tedious and annoying.

Let me tell you a story about why pennies suck. While I was at university I saved up all my pennies whenever I got them. After university I counted them, rolled them, went to the bank, waited in line, and got back less than five dollars. What a waste of time and effort. Four years of accumulated this filthy discs and I couldn't even make the smallest bill, I just went back home with different coins.

And they are filthy. Money is pretty gross when you think about it too long. I'm not a super clean person, but even I cringe at the idea of holding a big mound of greasy coins. Pennies are the worst; they're like the hobo of the coin family. Practically every penny you come across looks like you'd need a tetanus shot after handling it.

I know we hear about it in the news every now and then that pennies will eventually be phased out, but I say it can't happen soon enough. I'd love to see nickels eliminated too. We'll still have enough coin variety to weigh our pockets down, don't worry. Progress, people, let's make it happen.

Getting back to the germ topic, I think that are some really dumb cleaning products out there. Anyone else remember "Fit", the stupid cleansing liquid for fruits and vegetables? Yeah, let's forget that people have been washing produce with water since forever and start using food soap. Morons.

Anyway, the most recent idiotic product that rubs me the wrong way are these touchless handsoap dispensers. The main pitch seems to be avoiding contact with the germ infested handsoap pump. Using this product is apparently way more hygienic. C'mon, people! Let's use some common sense. Whether the pump is covered in germs or not makes no difference at all ... AT ALL! Why? Because as soon as you touch it, the very next thing you do ... is wash your hands!! Goddamn all mighty Cheeto frog diaper!

Why should you waste money on an expensive soap dispenser, batteries, and overpriced refills when you still have to deal with shutting off a germ covered water tap and opening a dirty bathroom door?

Monday Movie Challenge - Round II

It's that time again!

Here's another movie type game thing that I thought up while bored at work. I call it "Movies Associated". The basic idea is that I give you a movie title where all the words are replaced with new words that you might associate with the previous words. It could be opposites, synonyms, or just related words. For example, the clue Baked Blue Bananas would actually be Fried Green Tomatoes. Or Diamond-Toe would be Goldfinger. I think you get the idea.

So take a shot at naming all the movies listed below and feel free to throw some back at me. Also, since I'm going to try and do this weekly (try being the key word), I'm trying to think of an elegant solution for posting the previous weeks answers in a way that will keep it hidden for those who haven't played yet, or for those who don't wish to accidentally read them. Any suggestions on that would be welcome too. I'm sure there's an obvious solution, but I'm a little slow. Peace!

1. The Filthy Twelve
2. The Infinite Tale
3. Steel Small
4. German Cake
5. The Ocean Tame
6. Dentist Yes
7. The Wire Dude
8. Poor-stomach Hill
9. Battle Stick
10. Knife Jogger
11. Ass Door
12. The Deaf Edge
13. The Tennis Agendas
14. White Goat
15. Tired Full
16. The Powerful Chickens
17. The Clock Contraption
18. Waking Pretty
19. Pencil-face
20. Beast Mansion
21. Absurd Math
22. Red Silk
23. A Sexy Brain
24. Severed Pointer
25. Hate As-a-matter-of-fact

NOTE: I've added the answers below! I wouldn't want you to lose sleep over it.

Adventures in Paper: Crane in the Neck

It's time for another installment of Adventures in Paper. As you may know, one of the most well known origami models is the crane. Anybody who has had the slightest inclination to fold paper would have tried this at some point. Every package of origami paper I've ever bought has come with instructions to fold it. The crane is practically the mascot for origami, and here's it is folded with standard 15 x 15cm paper:

The origami crane is a symbol of peace and good fortune, and they say that if you fold 1000 of them you will have a wish granted. My guess is that if you actually did fold 1000 of them you'd only wish for a cure for your ragin' arthritis.

In any case, I've folded plenty of cranes in my life but one day I was struck with an idea; I may not have the time to fold a thousand of these little buggers, but I wonder how small I could make one. Ladies and gentlemen, I had myself a challenge.

Well the logical step after folding a normal sized crane would be to fold a slightly smaller one. I would have to ease myself into this. I busted out the mini origami paper and folded this with a 7.5 x 7.5cm sheet. I little bit tricky, but no sweat.

Okay, that certainly is smaller, but who cares? My next step was to take a fourth of the 7.5cm paper and fold a crane. My fat fingers were getting in the way, but I managed it. Here is the crane I folded with 3.75 x 3.75cm paper.

I was proud of this one, but where do I go from here? There's only one way to go ... smaller, damn it. Take a fourth of the previous paper size and you got yourself a 1.87 x 1.87cm sheet of origami paper. I knew this model meant business when I began sweating from the concentration. Fingers are useless at this point and it's all about using fingernails like tweezers. After more than ten minutes of folding, I had this:

That crane was difficult enough that I felt I had achieved something. Not something I could put on a resume, but something. It had been hard as hell to fold, but the time had come to separate the men from the boys who cant fold shit. My last and smallest attempt was with 0.93 x 0.93cm paper. Thirty excruciatingly tedious minutes later ...

Bam. Now that's a small crane. This crane took two attempts to achieve because the first try I dropped the crane by accident and it fell between the keys of my computer keyboard and was lost forever. That's the kind of tiny I'm talking about. I had to hold my breath nearly the whole time for fear of exhaling it across the room into the carpet, or worse, inhaling it.

All in all, I felt proud for having done it. With nothing but my bare hands and a lot of patience, I had made the smallest ass origami crane I'd ever seen. The only thing I could do after that was fold a box to keep it in so I wouldn't lose the damn thing.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round I

Since I spend ample time on this blog talking about things that bother me, or things I hate, I also wanted to give some space to stuff I love. Movies!

I love movie, you love movies, who doesn't love movies? When inspiration strikes me, I like to make games about movies. Here's a recent one I made called "Movie That Name".

The way it works is that there are many movie titles with first and/or last names in them. I've taken these movies and combined the name from the title with the name of the actor or actress who plays that character in the movie. For example, in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jim Carrey plays the character Ace. So I could present that as the clue, Jim Ventura ... or ... Ace Carrey. Of course, that particular one is easy. The movie title doesn't have to have both first and last names, as another example the movie What about Bob? could turn into the clue Bob Murray.

So here are some other ones I've put together. See if you can solve them all. And feel free to comment if you've been stumped by one, or you have one that you think might stump me. Party on.

1. Mike Powers
2. Brad Black
3. Buck Candy
4. Robin Adams
5. Erin Roberts
6. David Roberts
7. George Fox
8. Ray Foxx
9. Kevin Brooks
10. Pam Brown
11. Kevin Gale
12. Matt Ryan
13. Johnny Wood
14. Mary Andrews
15. Steve Murray
16. Diane Hall
17. John Cox
18. James Smith

House O' Cards

A while ago deafening construction began at my workplace, and a month later it hasn't let up. My job involves talking on the phone (the sweetest job, I know) and somehow not being able to hear yourself makes the process, how can I put this, ... stupidly awful.

The foundation of the building is being repaired and it involves using a bunch of jackhammers to rattle the building until you have a migraine in your eyes. I remember jokingly saying to a coworker that we should be given earplugs, except we can't use them because we need to talk on the phone. The next day the supervisors were handing out earplugs. Ha.

The repairs are necessary because of A) it's an old building, and B) the recent earthquake "messed up the foundation". Somehow I feel less than completely safe being inside a building that needs structural repairing. But I'm paranoid like that.

My plan is to buy a parachute and wear it all times and if things look shaky I'll dive out a window to safety. Another possible plan is to quit my job. I'm leaning more towards plan B because I have no idea where to get a parachute. Unless I steal it from an elementary school gym class.

Smoke: A (Long) Rant

Dear Smokers,

Why must you constantly pollute my life? I'm really tired of it. Honestly.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, I'm faced with people sucking ash and blowing smoke and it's really annoying. Smokers rarely seem to consider that other people don't smoke and might not enjoy walking through clouds of death at every corner. I realize smokers do have the right to smoke, and the places they can smoke is limited, but I still feel that's not enough. I can't go to the bank, to the grocery store, or even out my door without having to pass by and breathe the fumes of some inconsiderate jackass.

I've heard people who smoke say, "Look, if it bothers you, just walk away." But it's not that easy. While you're walking away, you'll run into another smoker, and another, and another, until your only escape is running back home or straight into the ocean.

In my case, home isn't even a proper sanctuary. My apartment is unfortunately located right above the apartment's front entrance, and so people are always congregating there and puffing away. What does that mean for me? Well it means that I can't leave any of my windows open for more than 20-30 minutes at a time without suddenly smelling cigarette smoke. This is particularly aggravating during the hot summer days when opening a window is a desperate attempt to breathe and circulate fresh air. They just come back again and again and again, all day, all night. I'm this close to throwing bricks.

I really can't comprehend the minds of people who can be suffocating in the summer's hottest and most humid weather, and still decide to head outside and inhale fire. What the hell is wrong with you? This is an addiction I can't even fathom. I'm a fat ass, and my addiction is food. But when the weather is 40 degrees with the humidity, I can't even think about eating something hot. I just sprawl out on the floor, eating ice, and concentrating on not dying.

Another argument I've heard smokers make is, "Why do you always complain about smokers when cars are polluting the environment far more. You don't complain about them." Well, it's an interesting point, but in the long run, cars at least serve a purpose and are useful. Yes, they are polluting the air, but for now they are necessary, which is more than I can say for cigarettes.

And besides, I don't own a car. I rely on public transport and walking to get around, and this has less impact on the environment than someone who drives around all day. So what's my reward? I get to breathe smoke everyday to and from work, without fail. I leave my apartment and the hallway may reek of smoke, then I have to get out the front entrance where people are smoking. As I walk to work I constantly find myself behind someone smoking, like I'm riding caboose on the cancer train. I try to get out of the way, and I run into more people smoking in groups, or smoking out their car windows. I finally get to work, and the front entrance has a flock of smoking wads hanging around. Enough is enough! Stop smoking!

Also, don't you love how smokers treat the world like their own personal ashtray. Thanks for leaving your filthy cigarette butts scattered everywhere. What? You think it doesn't count as littering because they're small or something? You smoke twenty times a day flicking your trash everywhere, you insensitive prick. Stop smoking!

I really can't feel bad about bitching over smokers. It's like trying to feel bad for telling someone not to rub asbestos in their eyes several times a day. Smoking, without question, is killing people. The people who intentionally smoke, and the people who are forced to smoke around them. It's ridiculous. I'm not just picking on smokers. I hate anyone who let's an addiction harm the people around them; whether is be from alcohol, gambling, food, or anything. It's selfish terrible behavior. Period.

Yesterday I saw two fat women standing outside the grocery store sucking away on their cigarettes. It's bad enough that they were forcing everyone trying to enter or leave the store to breathe their smoke, but the real kicker was that one women was holding her toddler by the hand and the other woman had a baby strapped to her chest. What the hell!? I'm sorry, but someone needs to sock these despicable twits in their brainless heads. Stop smoking!!

It yellows your teeth and fingers, gives you bad breath, makes your clothes and hair reek, and kills your organs! I don't even know why I'm saying this. I know smoking is bad, you know smoking is bad, EVERYONE knows it's bad, and people are still doing it. Why don't you do something good for yourself and quit already?

Stop being a thoughtless selfish person. Stop throwing your tiny bits of burning garbage everywhere. Stop taking a break every 30 minutes at work so you can go outside and hose yourself down with stink. Stop preventing me from being able to open a window and enjoy a summer breeze. Stop buying $12 packs of lung cancer everyday. Stop smoking around your friends, your family, and especially your kids! Just stop goddamn smoking!

Please.

Sincerely,

Shane

Adventures in Paper: Twisted Squares and Bloody Fingers

Since my university days I've had an interest for folding paper. It wasn't until I went to Korea that my interest turned into a full blown hobby, and these days it's become a bit of a passion. As lame as it might sound, I honestly draw much joy from folding and manipulating paper. Ever since I was a kid, I thought paper had endless potential with what a person could write or draw on it; a blank piece of paper was something waiting to happen. Origami has turned out to be just another form of potential in paper that I really find interesting.

Last year I posted a video of me showing off some of my collection at the time, and in the last month or so, I've been quenching my folding thirst. I figured I would try and make my attempts at this old art a regular segment of my blog. Why? Because as I've said, I find it really interesting, and hopefully I can spread that interest.

First of all, generally I don't make origami animals. I have ... but I'm more drawn to other areas of paper folding like modular origami, abstract and geometric shapes. Yes, it can be fun to make a paper dog, but making a paper dodecahedron is crazier, and therefor cooler in my books.

One branch of origami that is heavily built on geometric shapes that I've recently begun trying is Origami Tessellations. Basically it involves pre-folding a piece of paper for a long time and then spending an even longer (and more frustrating) time trying to fold the paper into submission so it creates a repeating pattern of shapes. For example, here's a sheet of paper with a bunch of pre-folds.

Take the central creased square of the paper and twist it 90 degrees and then set it flat again. Voila! A paper pinwheel thing!

Time to kick it up a notch. Four times the squares meant four times the trouble (I'm good at math). The biggest obstacle is that you can't twist one square at a time. It has to be all done simultaneously. And that was a pain in the ass. Several f-bombs later I got this:

Now that I had the hang of it, time to try 16 squares. Because that'll be more fun, right? I honestly didn't anticipate how long and difficult this would be. The final product took about two hours of creasing and folding to produce:

It's not as crisp as I would like, but I'm happy nonetheless. It's pleasing to look at and touch. I'm a tactile person, which is why I probably eat spaghetti with my hands. When you flip the paper over you can see this:

The weaved pattern was a nice little surprise. Like flipping over the Mona Lisa and finding a taco. So there you have it, my first attempts at an origami tessellation. It's a little distressing, but apparently this design is one of the easiest you can do. I want to try more advanced tessellation patterns, but I fear I will murder a stranger after 4 hours of creasing goes awry.

Aaaaanyway, my next planned installment of Adventures in Paper will be classic origami meets personal challenge. Watch out!

In the Heat of the Night ( I Have Violent Sweat-Mares)

ugh...

UGH!!!

It's so hot I want to puke. Now I know why they call it the dog days of summer; because I want to roll over and play dead.

The last 5 days have been some kind of hell. My apartment has no air circulation, no AC, and no ice filled wading pool. If I walk around outside in the scorching heat, I have no incentive to go home because I know it's another 5-10 degrees hotter indoors. I don't even know what that is with the humidity.

I can't sleep at night. I just lie in a pool of my own sweat. If I do ever fall asleep I wake up suffocating and frantically clawing at my clothes to remove them. Then I realize that I'm naked. And I'm sorry for putting that image in your head.

In any case, I'm upset and tired. There's just no way to be properly rested when you have to sleep in the equivalent of a sauna on fire. I should probably buy an air conditioner, but I don't have the money. I blew it all on iced tea and iced tea stock.

I bought a fan today, which now brings my fan total up to .... two. I figure I could double my chances of not dying that way. I know that the heat and lack of sleep has been making me crazy and/or stupid, and I have proof. While I was carrying my new fan home I stopped in at a bakery and left the fan near the door while I perused the bread. Moments later, as I was walking around the bakery I happened to glance over to the door and I saw the fan in its box and the first thing that popped into my head was: Jeez! Why don't these stupid store owners go ahead and use their freaking fan? It's hot enough in here. What's wrong with them?

Yes, that's right. In less than one minute I had forgotten that it was MY fan I had left by the door. Not only that, I got pissed off at people I don't even know over it. I'm such a moron. You see what the heat is doing to me?! It's making me aggressively stupid!

I hope I never become lost in a desert. You'll find me dead after an hour from wrestling a cactus.

Mitch & Roland: #61 Panic

Happy Canada Day to everyone ... except for the Yanks. They'll have to wait until Sunday to party.

Sandwich with Side of Adrenaline

Today I had a thrilling first experience that didn't involve drugs of any kind. I got to experience an earthquake.

As you no doubt heard, Ottawa experienced a 5.5 magnitude earthquake on Wednesday. At the time I was out having lunch with my partner in crime at a bistro pub when it happened. We were nearly finished our meal when suddenly the restaurant began rumbling. My first thought was that it was a big truck on the road shaking things up, so I turned my head toward the open front of the bistro to see the street.

Instead of seeing a truck, I watched as the front of the restaurant rocked and swayed with the increasing tremors. People were jumping from their seats and rushing the door, and someone outside was shouting, "Everyone get out! Get out!"

It seemed like sound advice, so I ran. Once we were out on the sidewalk I could still feel the quake rumbling beneath my feet and a stranger pointed out to me that the parking meters were vibrating and wobbling.

As it had happened I had thought, "This can't be an earthquake, right? Ottawa doesn't have earthquakes, right?" And in the moment of fleeing the restaurant, I can honestly say it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I may have peed a little. Of course no one was hurt or killed and the restaurant hadn't collapsed the moment we stepped clear, but it was exhilarating nonetheless.

The experience did teach me to always be on my toes. Also, for some reason once I was outside, I found that I had escaped clutching my napkin; as if that would be something important to save. Yeah ... don't call me in a moment of crisis to save your family from a burning building. I'll just end up rescuing all the linens.

So far in my life I've experienced floods, a hurricane, and now an earthquake. Next on my list? I'm looking at you, tornado. Bring it on!

Mitch & Roland: #60 Clean

It certainly has been an inexcusable amount of time since I've last posted a Mitch and Roland comic. That being said, I hope you will excuse the amount of time it's been since I've posted a Mitch and Roland comic.

My Doodles at Work

I'm not going to say that I'm unfocused at work, but sometimes the only thing that relieves the boredom is a bit of paper. I'm the kind of man that needs to keep his hands busy. Sometimes after watching a movie I'll look down and find that I've crocheted a blanket.

Here's a cowboy. I call him Slim "Gut-punch" McCoy. As you can tell from this stunning illustration, he is a heartless, ruthless, killing machine. An infamous horse thief and womanizer, he kills anyone that looks at him funny. He also loves sherbet and playing tiddlywinks.

If you couldn't tell immediately this drawing is all about a duck-centric version of "Back to the Future". It would be about a duck named Mallard McFly who finds out that his scientist friend, Doctor Emmitt Down, has invented time travel when you fly at 88 FPS (Flaps-per-second). Mallard ends up getting sent back in time, accidentally interfering with his parents meeting, and facing the chance of never even being hatched. It then becomes a race against time to get his parents back together and return to the present before his influence on the past creates a time para-ducks. Uh ... it's a work in progress.

This last doodle is based on a concept I devised with the uncompromising Cole. Like most of you out there, I spent my university career hanging out with friends, mocking bad television, and coming up with better shows of our own. The TV show that hopefully will eventually find it's way to the small screen is "Medi-Cops". We figured that since most TV dramas are about doctors or police officers, why not fuse them together? Surgeons by day and ridiculously brutal cops by night (or vice versa), they would perform astounding feats like gunning down a criminal in the street, only to rush him to the E.R. to carefully extract the bullets, save his life, and then proceed to interrogate him.

If I recall correctly, one of the cops would carry dual pistols that he would rub together like cardiac paddles, then shout "Clear!" before leaping out from around a corner and opening fire. They would also have a multitude of awesome catchphrases like:

"He needs 30cc's of lead, stat!"

"Take two of these and I'll see you in jail by morning." (These are most likely bullets.)

"It's time to pull the plug on these street punks!"

"My diagnosis? You're under arrest!"

"An apple a day won't do shit."

"I.V. seeing you in the slammer."

"Time of death ... in about 10 seconds."

As you can see, it's a downward slope, but this stuff writes itself. Anyone who doesn't support this potential hit is a fool. Well, I gotta go and -hey! ... where did all these doilies come from?

Goodly-Portion-of-the-World Cup

The air is electric and that can mean only one thing. No, not Tesla Coils. It's World Cup 2010!

That's right. We've all been waiting anxiously and now we will finally know which country has the best soccer team ... in the whole goddamn world. I know it seems like we figured that out in 2006, and previously in 2002, and before that every four years going back numerous decades, but this is the real deal! And I've got my money on Honduras. Honduras is a place, right? And they have and team and qualified and stuff? Yeah, right on. Go Honduras! Not too many people know this, but Honduras comes from a Spanish word meaning "Home of Durability".

I suppose I should be rooting for Canada, but apparently Canada isn't part of the world. Thanks, FIFA. I guess we're good enough for World Wars, but not World Cups. Pfft. No matter. We still have out own special cup we can win. We just don't feel like it though.

Having watched several games already, I feel I have a firm grasp of the game and how it's played. I know that if another player ever makes contact with you, you should tumble immediately to the ground in a death roll and act like every bone in your legs have been shattered. I also know that soccer fans must sound their cheap plastic horns for the entire event no matter what. Even if nothing significant is happening, and no one is actually playing. Of course there's nothing wrong with celebrating and being enthusiastic, but can I watch two consecutive seconds of a game without the crowd sounding like a bunch of dying 18-wheelers?

Soccer is an amazing game. The only flaw is that the field isn't long enough, and the nets are too small. Am I right? If soccer ever wants to be become a serious sport like golf, it's definitely going to have to expand a few acres to avoid being so crowded. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of Foosball.

Uh ... Go Honduras!!

Beat the Heat

As the summer heat begins cooking us alive I thought I'd share my tried and true techniques for beating the heat. Results may vary!

- Buy a popsicle. Break it in two and put them under your armpits.

- Spoon an electric fan during the night. If you don't have a fan, spoon a pile of cold spoons.

- Every time you get something from the fridge, accidentally drop your keys and climb inside for a few minutes to look for them.

- Wear a bathrobe that's been soaked in cool water. Or if you don't have a bathrobe, use a bunch of damp towels sewn together.

- Buy a life sized ice sculpture of a horse and then sit on it until it melts in half, then spend of the rest of the day throwing a sno-cone party.

-Eat an ice cream cone every hour on the hour until you are rushed to the hospital. As we all know, hospitals have air conditioning.

- At all costs avoid moving around and doing stuff. Cancel all plans with friends and family until the fall. Meeting people just means you have to put your clothes on and get out of that wading pool.

March Music (Parody) Madness: Clock Fetish

And so we have arrived at the end of the month and the third and final part of my parody shin dig. Today's song is a parody of "Tik-tok" by Ke$ha, the only singer I know whose voice sounds slutty, drunk, and robotic ... all at the same time.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it. It's about to get sexy up in here.

Clock Fetish

Wake up in the morning feeling quite run down,
Need a fix, of that which ticks, with a metered sound.
Walk the walk, grandfather clock, cause I sure love a chimer,
Cause you know, I can't get off, with just any egg timer.

I'm talking timing shit on our phones, phones
Trying out all time zones, zones.
Boys get your metronomes, nomes.

Daylight savings gets me all sweaty,
Do you like your time military?
I'll wrist your watch if you let me.

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

I'm counting seconds, minutes, hours, and the days of the year
Put your watch in my pocket, and then go oil my gears
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they think they have style,
But we kick em to the curb unless they have a sundial.

I'm talking everybody fitting cogs, cogs
an hourglass that unclogs, clogs
But I won't do analog-log

I love the pendulum how it swings, swings
watch it break our springs, springs
gonna break our springs, springs,
Buh-buh break us...

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

You wind me up,
and I slide down,
Just like Doc Brown,
from that tower.

When my time's up
I might erupt
I love that sound
Yeah, you got me

The mouse ran up,
and I go down
the clock strikes one,
and you got me

The mouse ran up,
and your time's up,
and your time's up,

Now, the party don't start without "Big Ben"

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

March Music (Parody) Madness: We Didn't Start The Console

Time to kick off part two of my parody extravaganza. I know extravaganza is a bit of stretch to describe blogging lyrics, but go with me on this and it'll be over soon.

Today's parody is of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". It's a chronological journey through gaming history. Enjoy.

We Didn't Start The Console

Asteroids, Space Invaders, Pitfall, Dragon's Lair

Breakout, Gauntlet, Super Off Road

Centipede, Adventure, Golden Axe, Defender

Frogger, Digdug, Kaboom and Battlezone

Marble Madness, Burgertime, Q-bert, Frontline

Contra, Dragon Warrior, and Missile Command

After Burner, Joust, Pong, Moon Patrol, Donkey Kong

Warlords, Galaga, and Mrs. Pacman

Chorus:

We didn't start the console,

It was always playing

Since the 1980's

We didn't start the console

No we didn't make it

But we loved to take it

Ninja Gaiden, Arkanoid, Adventure Island, Metroid

Double Dribble, Bubble Bobble, Castlevania

River City Ransom, Punch Out, Double Dragon

Kirby, Duck Hunt, Turtles Mania

Mario, Luigi, Revenge of Shinobi

Ghosts and Goblins, Blades of Steel, Shinning Force and Metal Gear

Sonic, Kid Icarus, Megaman, Tetris

Excitebike... played all night, blowin' on the cartridge!

(Chorus)

Chrono Trigger, Final Fight, Starfox flying was a sight

Donkey Kong Country, Dark World in Zelda 3

Earthbound, Bomberman, Yoshi has an Island

A slue of 2D RPGs, like epic Final Fantasy

F-Zero was a blur, Lunar, Soul Calibur

Mortal Kombat, Contra's War, Shenmue and Lufia

Wolfenstein, Joe & Mac, Lost Vikings, Flashback

Street Fighter Alpha, Secret of Mana

(Chorus)

Xenogears, Chrono Cross, Cloud, Aerith, Sephiroth

Tomb Raider, Wild Arms, Marvel Vs. Capcom

Resident Evil's Veronica, Symphony in Castlevania

Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Blood Omen, Tony Hawk

Vagrant Story, Bust a Groove, Tekken, Crash Bandicoot

Conker's Bad Fur Day, what else do I have to play?

(Chorus)

Fatal Frame, Silent Hill, Eternal Darkness, Splinter Cell

Ico, Halo, Grim Fandago

Twisted Metal, Gran Turismo, DDR, Guitar Hero

Devil May Cry, Metroid Prime, Metal Slug, Dead or Alive

Syphon Filter, Pokemon, Onimusha, Kingdom Hearts

Wind Waker, Smash Brothers, Oddworld, Prince of Persia

Katamari Damancy, Snake and Sons of Liberty

Grand Theft Auto, God of War, Holy shit they're making more!

Clean Up On Aisle 300

This marks the 300th post on this blog and I couldn't be happier. Not just because I feel like the proud father of 300 unusual children, but also because I'm pretty sure blogging really starts to become profitable after 300 posts ... right?

To commemorate the occasion I'll be spending the weekend reenacting scenes from the movie "300". You know, yelling while showing every tooth in my head, impaling foes in slow motion, kicking people down bottomless pits of despair.

Speaking of bottomless pits of despair, I went to Wal-Mart today. What is it about that store that leaves you tired and sick if you spend more that a minute inside? I think they must pump chemicals into the store's air system to make people feel hopeless just so they buy more stuff. "I feel like crap and the world sucks. I might as well buy these cupcakes and a TV. That'll make me feel better."

Also, a child become lost when I was there and they kept announcing it over the PA system. For some reason they kept calling it "Code Adam". I'm assuming that Adam was the name of a kid they never found, and they use it as a constant reminder of the dangers of operating a store that is larger than some towns.

I think it would be funny to tell the employees there that your child is missing, and when they ask you to describe what he looks like, you tell them that he's 18 years old and wearing a teletubbies shirt, suspenders, and carrying a frying pan. And when they ask you where was the last place you saw him, tell them it was at the beach last summer.

Anyway, enjoy the weekend. I'll be waiting by the mailbox for my blogging cheque.

March Music (Parody) Madness: I Kicked a Squirrel

Over the years I've enjoyed writing in all sorts of creative writing forms, whether it be poetry, short stories, comics, novels, or the occasional list or rant. One thing in particular that I love writing from time to time is a song parody. The urge to do so is usually random and inexplicable, and I'll have the idea for a parody trapped in my head for days until I can finally sort it out and write it down.

So in the next two weeks I thought I'd share three of my more recent attempts at humour via lyrics. The first is a parody of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl". I've included the video for those of you who may not know how the song goes, or would like to follow along. Enjoy.



I Kicked a Squirrel

It was the day that I got canned,
no proper notice.
She left me for another man,
some guy named Otis.
I pulled in, the driveway,
just saw it on the lawn.
Didn't mean to block my way
caught my attention.

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Knocked it to battered squirrel bits.
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
Crept in and snuck behind it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
I nailed it's ass and it took flight.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Sure, now it shouldn't take the blame,
It doesn't matter.
It just felt so good all the same,
To hear the splatter.
Broke two toes, lost my voice,
Put my shoe in a tree.
I spot them, there's one choice,
it's him or me!

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Made it a tree rat rocket
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
I hope my family won't mind it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
I'm pretty sure that it bounced twice.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Those squirrels with evil beady eyes,
Soft fur, puffed cheeks, stuffed full of lies,
Trained by satanic Nazi spies,
to steal all our nuts.
It's up to me,
I hate their guts!!

I kicked a squirrel,
and I liked it.
Sick of its stupid squirrel shit.
I kicked a squirrel,
Just to try it.
I hope the neighbors don't find it.

It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
It hit a beehive and stuck tight.

I kicked a squirrel,
And I liked it.
(I liked it)

Bite-Sized Blogging in Bed

It's March, and you know what that means, right?

Right?

Uh, no. Well, you're close, but I don't have time to let you keep guessing. It's March and that means I've finally moved into my own apartment. It was a long ordeal, but I've finally made it. I've learned that the greatest part about having an apartment (besides being able to walk around naked at all hours), is that I can finally sleep on a bed again. After about 5 months of crashing on the couches of family and friends, I can finally stretch out my legs and not kick a lamp over. I can actually roll over now! Roll over! Without fear of falling through a glass coffee table!

Anyway, that whole "upgrade" has been occupying most of my time. While I haven't found much time for drawing and blogging, I've had time to write short snippets of random crap on Twitter. I'm sorry to say that I've joined that whole "fad". What does that make me now? A tweeter? A twit? A twat? A Cry-For-Helper? For those of you who are interested in following me you can do so here: http://twitter.com/Turnipism .

How awesome are my tweets? Well, it's like a live feed of my thoughts unfiltered. Sort of like this blog but in smaller, more enjoyable portions. It's like a candy funnel of happiness or a laser that shoots orgasms. Also, I use it to announce any new lists that come up on Five-o-rama. So if you want to stay up to date on all that goodness and more, check it out.

Or don't.

Gold, Silver, and Ranch

Boy, what a busy month its been. Between working nearly everyday, apartment hunting, watching the Olympics, and neglecting this blog, I've barely had time to think.

As a person who is athletically retarded, and knows virtually nothing about sports (slam dunk the football and you get a home run, right?) I really love watching the Olympics. I've found that there is a strange vibe to these winter Olympics, and I think we can all admit that things haven't gone as smoothly as we would hope. At this point I'm surprised the Olympic slogan isn't "Vancouver: A Series of Unfortunate Events".

This is a little off topic but why are McDonalds the official restaurant of the Olympics? I mean, hamburgers and fries hardly promote athleticism. Isn't it more suiting if McDonalds were the official restaurant for 'obesity' or 'regret'? Actually, can we even call McDonalds a restaurant? Aren't restaurants supposed to sell things that qualify as food? If you said you took your girlfriend out to a restaurant, I would imagine a place filled with well dressed patrons ordering expensive meals off a leather bound menu and then sipping wine by candlelight. I don't imagine people in sweatpants and crocs ordering off a dollar menu that is bolted to the wall, and then trying to carry a handful of ketchup cups through a crowd of screaming children.

If McDonalds is a restaurant, then I'm an Olympian.