Deep Freeze Dangers!

Between last month's blackouts across the city after the ice storm, and this week's minus 40-ish frozen hellscape, I think I've already had my fill of winter. But we may just be getting started.

Here's a list of the greatest dangers you will face in this treacherous season. Being aware of these dangers may be key to you and your family's survival, so take notes.

• When using cold public toilets always quickly dive to the floor in order to avoid a possible blast of frozen fecal shards.
• Wearing scarves may keep your neck toasty, but be careful not to leave the ends dangling freely in the wind as they may become caught in tree branches, or be grabbed by greedy passing motorists. 
• Hot drinks may warm you up, but don't exceed five a day. Apple Cider Overdose is real and it may look festive, but it's not pretty.
• When walking outside in strong winds, never yawn with an uncovered mouth. The wind may inflate you like a balloon. The cold wind may also cause discomfort to sensitive teeth, but that first thing could happen too I bet.
• Rapid changes in body temperature can cause the human body to crack apart. When coming indoors after extended periods outside, always transition by sitting inside the fridge for 10 minutes. 
• To prevent slips on icy sidewalks, try walking closer to the road where the snow drifts will offer more traction. Also, keep your center of gravity low by crawling.
• Your face is the most vulnerable part of your body with windchill warnings. Invest the time in growing a beard. For women: wear your jacket backwards with the hood up and have a bearded man lead you to your destination.
• When the weather is cold enough for you to see your own breath, this is actually part of your soul trying to escape and find a warmer location. Hold your breath more.