To Those Who Throw Eggs,
Why are you throwing eggs? It's not Halloween, and there isn't an egg surplus. Don't you realize that we are in an economic downturn? You should be saving those eggs for important and useful things, like reserve omelets.
I understand that there is satisfaction in tossing eggs and hearing a wet crack, making a sticky mess, and causing general havoc. But when you throw eggs at strangers at night, that's not fun, it's being an asshat. Do you want to be known as a stupid prick? Because your actions seem to suggest as such.
I've not been hit with eggs myself, but it's happened on multiple occasions to people I know and care about, more recently to someone who was obviously minding their business and was pelted by a group of teenagers. So, as you may imagine, I'm less than pleased. Ganging up and assaulting someone, even with something as silly as eggs, is thoughtless and cruel. Maybe the next time you run up to a stranger to hurl an egg in their face you'll realize too late that it's your sibling or grandmother.
So why do it, you mean-spirited ignorant twits? Find a more productive use of your time and eggs, and grow up. You're now on my list of enemies, you f**king dolts.
February 11, 2009
February 4, 2009
Update! Vocal Overkill Strikes Again!
You may recall that last week I went on a bit of a rant about the nine-member pop girl group SNSD. I even jokingly made up 12 members for a girl group I would like to start to compete with them. You know, because it's excessive, and funny as a result. But I must share something that has recently come to my attention.
Living in Korea, I've been familiar with the name "Super Junior" as a boy band that my students seem to like (mostly girls). I was only dimly aware of who they are: a popular group made up of young effeminate guys. But I was recently told how many members make up the group. Let me tell you ... (deep breath)
THIRTEEN! Holy Jesus Shit Basket! Wha- ...ba-...do you know what this means!? This means that my imaginary group - my deliberate exaggeration - still falls short of an actual Goddamn group! Thirteen! A baker's dozen! N Sync + New Kids on the Block + The Jonas Brothers!
I can't deal with this. My mind says it isn't real. I sorta recall seeing a music video of theirs in the past, and for whatever reason, it never donned on me that the group was that large. When I saw a crowd of dudes dancing together, my brain rejected the possibility that they were all the singers of the group.
And you know what's hilarious? When Super Junior debuted in 2005 there were only twelve members (only, ha ha). But in May of 2006 they added a thirteenth member. I guess the group felt incomplete. Yeah, something was missing and that thirteenth vocalist really sealed the deal. Did the twelve original members not have enough talent to get by? God, I don't know, it's all madness at this point.
So, in conclusion, when I was joking about nine girls singing together as a group, it turns out that the real joke was on me. Now I'm afraid that at any moment a co-worker or student is going to tell me about some forty-five member mega group that's been popular since the 90's.
Actually, since I just said forty-five, it'll probably be forty-six.
Living in Korea, I've been familiar with the name "Super Junior" as a boy band that my students seem to like (mostly girls). I was only dimly aware of who they are: a popular group made up of young effeminate guys. But I was recently told how many members make up the group. Let me tell you ... (deep breath)
THIRTEEN! Holy Jesus Shit Basket! Wha- ...ba-...do you know what this means!? This means that my imaginary group - my deliberate exaggeration - still falls short of an actual Goddamn group! Thirteen! A baker's dozen! N Sync + New Kids on the Block + The Jonas Brothers!
I can't deal with this. My mind says it isn't real. I sorta recall seeing a music video of theirs in the past, and for whatever reason, it never donned on me that the group was that large. When I saw a crowd of dudes dancing together, my brain rejected the possibility that they were all the singers of the group.
And you know what's hilarious? When Super Junior debuted in 2005 there were only twelve members (only, ha ha). But in May of 2006 they added a thirteenth member. I guess the group felt incomplete. Yeah, something was missing and that thirteenth vocalist really sealed the deal. Did the twelve original members not have enough talent to get by? God, I don't know, it's all madness at this point.
So, in conclusion, when I was joking about nine girls singing together as a group, it turns out that the real joke was on me. Now I'm afraid that at any moment a co-worker or student is going to tell me about some forty-five member mega group that's been popular since the 90's.
Actually, since I just said forty-five, it'll probably be forty-six.
February 1, 2009
A Mouth in Flames and Animals that Rock Out
Two things I learned this weekend:
1) If a menu says that something is "very spicy", watch the eff out. I learned this the hard way when I ordered a seafood noodle dish that made this claim. I laughed and said to the waiter, "I care not for your warnings, food steward! Bring forth the spice!"
One mouthful later my brain ignited. I was immediately thrown into a hiccuping fit, and began sweating. I can't be sure, but I believe the main ingredient was lava. Because of this, I came nowhere near finishing it. I have never experienced anything like that before; it destroyed my mouth, gave me a terrible headache, and left me feeling like my stomach was filled with a pile of burning embers.
Don't let it happen to you! And also...
2) Korean teens like to dress up like animals for concerts. Girls, specifically. I was hanging around Olympic Park with friends on Sunday and witnessed thousands of people congregating for a Big Bang concert. Big Bang is a K-pop/ hip-hop group that all adolescent Korean girls are required by law to adore.
Almost every girl was either wearing or clutching some sort of Big Bang merchandise, but what was surprising was that many were dressed up in full-body costumes of animals. I saw girls dressed like dogs, bears, foxes, chickens, horses, cats, cows, and turtles. The costumes reminded me of something you'd see a baby doll wearing in a toy store, except full sized, and as far as I know dressing up like an animal has no connection to Big Bang at all.
I suppose its done out of childish fun and the pursuit for attention. But most importantly, if G-Dragon looks out into the audience to find a girl to bring up on stage, he's bound to notice a giant chicken.
1) If a menu says that something is "very spicy", watch the eff out. I learned this the hard way when I ordered a seafood noodle dish that made this claim. I laughed and said to the waiter, "I care not for your warnings, food steward! Bring forth the spice!"
One mouthful later my brain ignited. I was immediately thrown into a hiccuping fit, and began sweating. I can't be sure, but I believe the main ingredient was lava. Because of this, I came nowhere near finishing it. I have never experienced anything like that before; it destroyed my mouth, gave me a terrible headache, and left me feeling like my stomach was filled with a pile of burning embers.
Don't let it happen to you! And also...
2) Korean teens like to dress up like animals for concerts. Girls, specifically. I was hanging around Olympic Park with friends on Sunday and witnessed thousands of people congregating for a Big Bang concert. Big Bang is a K-pop/ hip-hop group that all adolescent Korean girls are required by law to adore.
Almost every girl was either wearing or clutching some sort of Big Bang merchandise, but what was surprising was that many were dressed up in full-body costumes of animals. I saw girls dressed like dogs, bears, foxes, chickens, horses, cats, cows, and turtles. The costumes reminded me of something you'd see a baby doll wearing in a toy store, except full sized, and as far as I know dressing up like an animal has no connection to Big Bang at all.
I suppose its done out of childish fun and the pursuit for attention. But most importantly, if G-Dragon looks out into the audience to find a girl to bring up on stage, he's bound to notice a giant chicken.
January 30, 2009
Mitch & Roland: #50 Insult
I'm happy to present the 50th installment of Mitch and Roland. While not much has changed since the first several comics (besides minor tweaking), I hope, like me, you have become fond of these two idiotic characters.
Enjoy.
Now that you have been introduced to the game of Insult Chess, please challenge you friends to an impromptu match. You never know, in time it may become a national pastime.
Enjoy.
Now that you have been introduced to the game of Insult Chess, please challenge you friends to an impromptu match. You never know, in time it may become a national pastime.
January 27, 2009
Apocalyptic Harmony: When Too Much is Not Enough
Those following the blog will know that I recently shared my thoughts on a popular song from a new Korean pop group. Well I feel the need to tell you about another group that is gaining similar popularity. They are called Girls' Generation, or SNSD (So Nyeo Shi Dae).
I first saw them on TV in a bright colorful music video; typical of all-girl Asian pop music. I flipped to it mid song, so I wasn't really sure what was going on. I struggled for more than a minute trying to discern who the members of the group were and who were just back up dancers or extras. Who am I supposed to be focusing on, I thought. Then, suddenly, I realized that every girl on the screen was a singer in the group. How many girls, you ask?
NINE! Nine girls! I remember once thinking S Club 7 was overkill, now I realize there's no stopping the madness. Nine girls is not a pop group, it's a choir. They outnumber Snow White and her dwarfs.
I don't want to sound like I'm following a stereotype, but I dare you to watch the video for their video "Gee" and tell me that they don't all look alike. They're all skinny with the same build and long dark hair. They're all equally pretty, of similar heights, in the same age group, have interchangeable voices, and none play instruments. Even the Wonder Girls (5 girls) had the decency to have slightly different vocal styles.
What is the point of forming a group of nine girls who are all the same!? Would it be so hard to give one a buzz cut? Or force the ninth girl to beat box or something? I'm sure they have unique personalities, but that hardly comes across in a music video.
According to wikipedia, the leader of the group is Taehyeon. I'm assuming that means she usually stands in the center of the group and has the privilege of singing 3 lines of verse while the rest sing only 2.
Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy as hell? While researching this group I stumbled upon another pop group, this time from Japan, also with nine Goddamn girls, called ... "9nine". Wow, that's clever. I guess someone had already taken the name "Nine, there's nine of us. Nine!!"
Well, if this is the way the winds are blowing, then I would like to produce my own all-girl pop group to sweep the music world. It'll be made up of twelve, count 'em, twelve girls and I'll call them The Diva Dozen. But instead of making them all clones, they'll each have unique qualities. Here's a preview of the members I'm hoping to track down:
1) Jessica, the cute one, will be your classic all American girl, except she'll be from China. She will wear a cowboy hat at all times and spit when she sings.
2) Bonny, the aggressive one, will often smokes, give the other members dirty looks, and be sporting fresh stitches. She will have a Mohawk.
3) Angelica, the princess, will only wear the color pink. She should be constantly leading around a panda on a leash, preferably one that has been spray-painted pink.
4) Doreen, the sad one, will bring much needed sobbing to the performances. Her trademark will be singing inaudibly.
5) Faith, the talented one, will be a piano virtuoso, though none of the songs or performances will require her to play the piano.
6) Katie, the paranoid one, will giggle endlessly and sometimes frantically scrub her skin with Brillo pads. She will wear a sexy nurse outfit.
7) Tarralikitak, the exotic one, will be an Eskimo. She should spend most of the time in the music videos making snow angels. Her name means 'butterfly'.
8) Girtha, the obese one, will be obese. Her trademark will be obesity.
9) Mindy May, the stupid one, will often eat her microphone and look confused. She should be exceptionally beautiful and not want to wear pants.
10) Jessica M., the rebel, will be continuously confused with the other Jessica in the group. She will also be Chinese, but will have a goatee.
11) Tina, the gay one, will only rap about being a lesbian. She will wear a plaid top hat and several pounds of gold chain.
12) Melissa, the strange one, will constantly be battling drug addictions and be in and out of rehab. When not able to perform her position will be covered by two midgets stacked in a trench coat.
If the group isn't an immediate success, I'll add 5-10 more girls and see how it goes from there. You know what they say in the music business: more is more.
I first saw them on TV in a bright colorful music video; typical of all-girl Asian pop music. I flipped to it mid song, so I wasn't really sure what was going on. I struggled for more than a minute trying to discern who the members of the group were and who were just back up dancers or extras. Who am I supposed to be focusing on, I thought. Then, suddenly, I realized that every girl on the screen was a singer in the group. How many girls, you ask?
NINE! Nine girls! I remember once thinking S Club 7 was overkill, now I realize there's no stopping the madness. Nine girls is not a pop group, it's a choir. They outnumber Snow White and her dwarfs.
I don't want to sound like I'm following a stereotype, but I dare you to watch the video for their video "Gee" and tell me that they don't all look alike. They're all skinny with the same build and long dark hair. They're all equally pretty, of similar heights, in the same age group, have interchangeable voices, and none play instruments. Even the Wonder Girls (5 girls) had the decency to have slightly different vocal styles.
What is the point of forming a group of nine girls who are all the same!? Would it be so hard to give one a buzz cut? Or force the ninth girl to beat box or something? I'm sure they have unique personalities, but that hardly comes across in a music video.
According to wikipedia, the leader of the group is Taehyeon. I'm assuming that means she usually stands in the center of the group and has the privilege of singing 3 lines of verse while the rest sing only 2.
Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy as hell? While researching this group I stumbled upon another pop group, this time from Japan, also with nine Goddamn girls, called ... "9nine". Wow, that's clever. I guess someone had already taken the name "Nine, there's nine of us. Nine!!"
Well, if this is the way the winds are blowing, then I would like to produce my own all-girl pop group to sweep the music world. It'll be made up of twelve, count 'em, twelve girls and I'll call them The Diva Dozen. But instead of making them all clones, they'll each have unique qualities. Here's a preview of the members I'm hoping to track down:
1) Jessica, the cute one, will be your classic all American girl, except she'll be from China. She will wear a cowboy hat at all times and spit when she sings.
2) Bonny, the aggressive one, will often smokes, give the other members dirty looks, and be sporting fresh stitches. She will have a Mohawk.
3) Angelica, the princess, will only wear the color pink. She should be constantly leading around a panda on a leash, preferably one that has been spray-painted pink.
4) Doreen, the sad one, will bring much needed sobbing to the performances. Her trademark will be singing inaudibly.
5) Faith, the talented one, will be a piano virtuoso, though none of the songs or performances will require her to play the piano.
6) Katie, the paranoid one, will giggle endlessly and sometimes frantically scrub her skin with Brillo pads. She will wear a sexy nurse outfit.
7) Tarralikitak, the exotic one, will be an Eskimo. She should spend most of the time in the music videos making snow angels. Her name means 'butterfly'.
8) Girtha, the obese one, will be obese. Her trademark will be obesity.
9) Mindy May, the stupid one, will often eat her microphone and look confused. She should be exceptionally beautiful and not want to wear pants.
10) Jessica M., the rebel, will be continuously confused with the other Jessica in the group. She will also be Chinese, but will have a goatee.
11) Tina, the gay one, will only rap about being a lesbian. She will wear a plaid top hat and several pounds of gold chain.
12) Melissa, the strange one, will constantly be battling drug addictions and be in and out of rehab. When not able to perform her position will be covered by two midgets stacked in a trench coat.
If the group isn't an immediate success, I'll add 5-10 more girls and see how it goes from there. You know what they say in the music business: more is more.
January 23, 2009
Mitch & Roland: #49 Soda
Woah, what the heck happened? Sorry for the lack of updates in a while. I think I slept for a period of a week or so. But don't worry, I'm refreshed and ready to rumble.
This weekend marks Lunar New Year, so I have four days off in a row. To celebrate I should consume four days worth of moon pies. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
This weekend marks Lunar New Year, so I have four days off in a row. To celebrate I should consume four days worth of moon pies. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
January 8, 2009
Things I Hate: Nitpicking Edition
Rogue Staplers
Why is it when you refill your stapler and insert that fresh row of staples there's no good way to close the damn thing without using up one of those staples? Goddamn, I hate that! I know you're thinking, "But c'mon, you can't possible care about wasting one lousy staple." That's not the point! Most staplers I used throughout my life are like that, and it's just irritating. It's a design flaw! It would be like reloading your gun and having one bullet fire off for no reason. I just want to be able to close the stapler without having one staple fly off into the carpet, and then later catch it under a toenail when I'm walking barefoot.Static Electricity
I once thought static electricity was all fun, and games, and balloons magically sticking to the wall, but I've learned better now. The dry winter weather combined with all my warm clothing being 'fuzzy' has resulted in the perfect storm of static. My winter coat is now a ticking time bomb, and every time I take it off I get zapped a few dozen times on my arms, back, ass, and legs. Painful zaps. At night when I'm in bed if I lift the blanket and shuffle my legs around I can see bolts of static lightning and they light up the darkness. I'll admit it's entertaining at times, but I'm afraid I'll roll over in the night and ignite. I'm pretty sure any story you've ever heard about spontaneous combustion was due to somebody dragging their feet on the carpet and then reaching for a metal floor lamp.That Stuff They Use To Clean the Stairs in the Building Where I Work
I don't know what on earth it could be, but it looks like pink toothpaste, reeks, and I hate it. I work on the third floor at an academy right near the stairs, so the sulfurous fumes waft in all day. Apparently it's a good way to clean stairs but it smells like they're lighting armfuls of matches made of ass. It's just gross. I'm really tempted to buy the cleaning lady something else to use that's lemon scented, but until then she'll be scrubbing the floor with farts.
January 6, 2009
Moo-thousand and Nine
Now there's a terrible joke to kick things off.
Happy New Year to all in the electric fun-dome I call the Internet. Hope the year is already treating everyone well. With 2009's arrival, it marks the two year anniversary of Turnipism. For those of you who wish to send me stuff in celebration, I'll remind you that the traditional gift for the second anniversary is cotton.
And for those of you who follow Chinese Astrology, I'll remind you that 2009 is the year of the ox/cow. I don't know the significance of that, but here are some fun facts about cows:
1) Cows have the ability to destroy anything with their mind. Luckily, they're too busy eating to use that ability.
2) Cows are delicious from the knees up.
3) A cow can win a race against a cheetah. But only if the cheetah is dead, and the cow is being pushed with a plow.
4) Cows have four stomachs! One for food, one for water, one for plastic, and one for the hell of it.
5) Cows have no idea what year it is.
There you go. A little knowledge to pass on to your children. Thanks again for reading, and here's to another year of wacky random shit!
Happy New Year to all in the electric fun-dome I call the Internet. Hope the year is already treating everyone well. With 2009's arrival, it marks the two year anniversary of Turnipism. For those of you who wish to send me stuff in celebration, I'll remind you that the traditional gift for the second anniversary is cotton.
And for those of you who follow Chinese Astrology, I'll remind you that 2009 is the year of the ox/cow. I don't know the significance of that, but here are some fun facts about cows:
1) Cows have the ability to destroy anything with their mind. Luckily, they're too busy eating to use that ability.
2) Cows are delicious from the knees up.
3) A cow can win a race against a cheetah. But only if the cheetah is dead, and the cow is being pushed with a plow.
4) Cows have four stomachs! One for food, one for water, one for plastic, and one for the hell of it.
5) Cows have no idea what year it is.
There you go. A little knowledge to pass on to your children. Thanks again for reading, and here's to another year of wacky random shit!
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