Those following the blog will know that I recently shared my thoughts on a popular song from a new Korean pop group. Well I feel the need to tell you about another group that is gaining similar popularity. They are called Girls' Generation, or SNSD (So Nyeo Shi Dae).
I first saw them on TV in a bright colorful music video; typical of all-girl Asian pop music. I flipped to it mid song, so I wasn't really sure what was going on. I struggled for more than a minute trying to discern who the members of the group were and who were just back up dancers or extras. Who am I supposed to be focusing on, I thought. Then, suddenly, I realized that every girl on the screen was a singer in the group. How many girls, you ask?
NINE! Nine girls! I remember once thinking S Club 7 was overkill, now I realize there's no stopping the madness. Nine girls is not a pop group, it's a choir. They outnumber Snow White and her dwarfs.
I don't want to sound like I'm following a stereotype, but I dare you to watch the video for their video "Gee" and tell me that they don't all look alike. They're all skinny with the same build and long dark hair. They're all equally pretty, of similar heights, in the same age group, have interchangeable voices, and none play instruments. Even the Wonder Girls (5 girls) had the decency to have slightly different vocal styles.
What is the point of forming a group of nine girls who are all the same!? Would it be so hard to give one a buzz cut? Or force the ninth girl to beat box or something? I'm sure they have unique personalities, but that hardly comes across in a music video.
According to wikipedia, the leader of the group is Taehyeon. I'm assuming that means she usually stands in the center of the group and has the privilege of singing 3 lines of verse while the rest sing only 2.
Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy as hell? While researching this group I stumbled upon another pop group, this time from Japan, also with nine Goddamn girls, called ... "9nine". Wow, that's clever. I guess someone had already taken the name "Nine, there's nine of us. Nine!!"
Well, if this is the way the winds are blowing, then I would like to produce my own all-girl pop group to sweep the music world. It'll be made up of twelve, count 'em, twelve girls and I'll call them The Diva Dozen. But instead of making them all clones, they'll each have unique qualities. Here's a preview of the members I'm hoping to track down:
1) Jessica, the cute one, will be your classic all American girl, except she'll be from China. She will wear a cowboy hat at all times and spit when she sings.
2) Bonny, the aggressive one, will often smokes, give the other members dirty looks, and be sporting fresh stitches. She will have a Mohawk.
3) Angelica, the princess, will only wear the color pink. She should be constantly leading around a panda on a leash, preferably one that has been spray-painted pink.
4) Doreen, the sad one, will bring much needed sobbing to the performances. Her trademark will be singing inaudibly.
5) Faith, the talented one, will be a piano virtuoso, though none of the songs or performances will require her to play the piano.
6) Katie, the paranoid one, will giggle endlessly and sometimes frantically scrub her skin with Brillo pads. She will wear a sexy nurse outfit.
7) Tarralikitak, the exotic one, will be an Eskimo. She should spend most of the time in the music videos making snow angels. Her name means 'butterfly'.
8) Girtha, the obese one, will be obese. Her trademark will be obesity.
9) Mindy May, the stupid one, will often eat her microphone and look confused. She should be exceptionally beautiful and not want to wear pants.
10) Jessica M., the rebel, will be continuously confused with the other Jessica in the group. She will also be Chinese, but will have a goatee.
11) Tina, the gay one, will only rap about being a lesbian. She will wear a plaid top hat and several pounds of gold chain.
12) Melissa, the strange one, will constantly be battling drug addictions and be in and out of rehab. When not able to perform her position will be covered by two midgets stacked in a trench coat.
If the group isn't an immediate success, I'll add 5-10 more girls and see how it goes from there. You know what they say in the music business: more is more.
2 comments:
Obesity is a nice trademark.
If you pick 12, you're leaving a huge opening for some daring exec at Sony to make a group of 13. Not only will it one up you sufficiently, but they can work all kinds of weird angles with numeric superstitions. Although I can't think of any that would work with pop music, I'm sure someone in the music "bizz" could come up with so many it'd be staggering.
I'd suggest adding one more member: James - The dashingly handsome boy who acts as Jessica's love interest, which all of the other girls fawn over. Then you can spin this shit into a TV show on Family and double the cash!
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