Mitch & Roland: #35 Delivery

Happy Holidays to all the faithful Turnipites out there. Don't stop believing in random nonsense and the joys of an unexpectedly retarded remark.

I'd stick around, but I've got lazying about to do and Christmas dinner to drool over.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Hopefully like me, you're totally pumped for Christmas. I'm jacked, jazzed, locked and loaded. Christmas was fun in Korea, but it lacked the punch of holidays in Canada. It's been nice to trim a tree, wrap presents, eat homemade baked goodies, and catch a Santa Claus parade on TV.

And I've been listening to a lot of Christmas carols. I think my favorite has always been "I'll be Home for Christmas". It's a real nice mellow, almost sad tune. But there's one line that's always bothered me:

"Please have snow and mistletoe
and presents on the tree"

Right off the bat, who the hell is putting the presents on the tree? I've never seen that, I've never heard of that, and from day one that line of the song has never set right with me. And what about these lines from "Winter Wonderland":

"Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland."

Okay, dreaming by the fire sounds like Christmas to me, but what's this conspiring? And what are these plans we've made and are facing unafraid? Conspiracy, secret plots, and hidden fears - I think anyone would agree there is something ominous happening in this verse. And then what the crap is going on with "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year":

"There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for roasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago"

So everything is running smooth and then the song pulls ghost stories out of nowhere. Ghost stories! Who is telling scary ghost stories at Christmas? Don't bring up Dickens' Christmas Carol, that's a stretch and you know it! Nothing like letting the kids finish toasting their marshmallows and then scare the piss out of them with ghoulish tales of phantasms. Also, what the sweet turtledove are the glories of Christmases long, long ago? I thought at first they meant the birth of Christ and the glorious moment that must have been, but the song specifically says 'Christmases', and I know Jesus didn't have two births. Plus, it's not like they called it Christmas then. Mary didn't cradle her newborn and whisper "Merry Christmas, Jesus. You're just in time, Santa should be here any minute."

The song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is just wrong. Mom’s probably married, unless the kid’s part of a broken family and then I guess she’s just lonely. But that’s besides the point because I know for certain that Santa’s got a wife. Her name’s Mrs. Claus, she lives at the North Pole, and she probably would be very interested to know why her husband is necking with some divorced mother when he should be working.

Oh, and let’s not forget “We Wish you a Merry Christmas”. Look at these utterly screwy lyrics:

“We wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
we wish you a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year.”

Telling us once was thoughtful, a second time was a little pushy, but by the time the third Merry Christmas rolls around I’m too annoyed to give a damn about New Years. I wish I could have been there when this song was being written. I’m sure the original fourth line was “and a Happy Christmas” before someone finally told this guy to lay off. Then the figgy pudding marketing people found him.

Big Misteaks

I have long felt that one of the most overrated foods in this world is the steak. For some reason people have put steaks on an upper tier of deliciousness as if it was the greatest form of meat, hell, the greatest meal one could choose. I find steaks can't compete with even a simple food, such as a sandwich.

I think the biggest problem I have with steaks is the inconsistency. Every time you eat one it's a bit of a gamble. Cuts of meat vary, the preparation can be different each time, and who knows what nitwit is cooking it. Half the time I've ordered steak, I've realized two bites in that I've wasted a bunch of money.

Honestly, I don't like paying a bunch of money for a slab of something that may or may not be edible. Gristle, fat, and stringy bits of who knows what. You're just innocently trying to enjoy your meal and bam, a mouthful of earlobe. I don't want to deal with that.

But it's not to say that sandwiches can't be bad. A sandwich is only as good as its construction, but I'd take a sandwich over a steak any day. A sandwich is full of near limitless delicious potential.

Sometimes I'm in a simple mood and I take an easy route. Maybe a peanut butter and jelly, or a sliced tomato on toasted bread. And other times I'm adventurous and want to experiment and I can't put enough ingredients. Deli meats, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, avocados, fresh ground pepper, cheeses, pickles, bell peppers, cucumbers, pineapple, shredded carrot, sliced apple, mayo, mustard, olives, sprouts, the list goes on. A sandwich can be as straightforward or insane as you want, plus you don't need utensils to eat it.

Is that 3000-9000 songs in your pocket?

The Ipod has certainly proved itself to me as being the most awesome music tool I've ever owned. It's just a good tool in general. Last week I had to navigate my way to my basement to replace a fuse and it was my trusty Ipod that shone the way. How's that for thinking outside the box?

In days of yore I used to tote around my discman and half a dozen cds in a backpack to enjoy tunes. Kids today probably know nothing about discs skipping, but that was a constant concern before I 'leveled up' to anti-skip. Cripes, I could hardly walk around with my cd player without it convulsing to a halt every few steps.

I guess that's one of those things that will define my generation. While my parents used to talk to me about 8 tracks, records, and the difficulties in maintaining them, I suppose I'll be regaling my children with stories about keeping my discman steady and parallel to the horizon at all times.

So anyway, when I finally moved up to an mp3 player I used it for years until it basically fell apart. It only held about 30 songs, and from there I made an insane leap to my 30 gig Ipod video. For the past two years I've been utterly spoiled to be able to carry around every song I've ever bought or downloaded in one place. At the same time, I'm filled with the fear having it fall from my pocket and destroy every song I've ever bought or downloaded. With great power comes great responsibility I guess.

At the pace music technology is growing and how much it's changed since I was in junior high I can hardly begin to guess what the next generation will have. My guess is it will be small silver wrist bands that transmit a streaming playlist of every song every recorded to your wireless earphones. And did I mention the earphones are invisible and contain upwards of eleventy billion terabytes of space. Plus when you're bored of listening to songs that do exist, you can set your infinity player to improvise creating songs based on your mood and preferences. Sadly it will take another generation before they can make one that doesn't set parts of your brain on fire. But that'll be their story.

Mitch & Roland: #34 Cube

Hook, Line, and Zapper

This week I heard people talking about something called electrofishing and I was surprised to learn what it was about. Actually, I was more disgusted that surprised.

In a nutshell, electrofishing involves using an electric current to draw fish to your boat and capture them easily. With two electrodes in the water (anode and cathode) and the correct current, nearby fish will begin swimming involuntarily toward the anode and then become briefly paralyzed or stunned when they reach it. Sometimes this isn't the case and the fish will begin jumping out of the water, making it even easier to net them.

Right off the bat - what the frig? Is anyone else sort of disturbed by this?

Okay, I'll admit that most of the sites I found talking about electrofishing explained how it's a good way to capture fish alive for surveys and assessing the types and number of fish in ponds, lakes, and whatnot. That's what they are advertised for, but I'm certain this technology is abused ... a lot.

People are zapping ponds and lakes to catch fish. The fish can't do anything but swim to their doom, and then go into a state of narcosis so some jack off can scoop them out of the water. I can't believe they have the balls to call this fishing. It's the equivalent of lighting the woods on fire and waiting by the road for a deer to come running out so you can shoot it.

Mitch & Roland: #33 Treat

Halloween lands on a Wednesday this year, which is a real shame, so I hope everyone is making this weekend their official Halloween shindig. I don't have much to do this Halloween besides carving a couple pumpkins. I still may dump a huge pile of candy on the floor and roll around in it for old times sake.

So to my readers, friends, and family ... may you all have a spook-tacular, boo-tastical, fright-erific, Choco-ween. And here is the second Halloween comic for Mitch and Roland.

Johann "Poppy Seed" Bach

As I perused the Dollarama (Latin for poor), I spotted a music CD titled "Bach and Bagels". I'll let you think about that for a while.

I don't know why bagels are involved. There was even a bagel coated in cream cheese on the cover. When I flipped it over and read the track listing all I could find was musical pieces composed by Bach. None of them seemed to have anything to do with bagels.

Did Bach enjoy bagels? Are the makers of this CD suggesting that I should eat bagels while listening to this music? Will the two complement one another? I have no idea.

Just another delightful discovery made at your local dollar-priced item distributor. I suggest you pick up "Bach and Bagels" and explore the mystery yourself. It would really go well with that cheese grater you picked up that will break the minute you rub anything more solid than a rotting banana against it.

In Case of Fire ... Weep

Honestly, there has got to be no greater money making scheme than that of 'Insurance'. Along with the laughing casino people, insurance has found a wondrous method of collecting money in exchange for nothing.

The reason I'm suddenly going off on insurance is because since I've returned to Canada it seems like I get dozens of phone calls a week from people hawking their insurance coverage plans. It's ridiculous and I'm getting thoroughly sick of it.

"Did you know that you qualify for our life insurance package?"
"If you keeping goddamn calling, I'm gonna make sure you qualify for a wheelchair!"

Stores and businesses who have no business offering insurance are doing it now. And no wonder. Who wouldn't want to branch out and begin collecting money while offering zip?

Well, that's not true...they do offer some things. They provide a service of arguing over what you're entitled to when you do come to collect.

Nothing about insurance makes any sense. You're paying into a plan that only gives compensation to the events that are least likely to occur. Well, what the frig kind of sense does that make? I thought the whole point was to protect oneself from the financial burden of things that could happen. Let's say you live in a house with trees around it. Insurance companies will not cover you in the event of a tree falling and damaging your house. Why? Because that is something that may happen. They have the balls to look people in the face and tell them this.

"Can I get insurance in case of a flood?"
"Heeeeeeeell, no."
"Why not?"
"Well for starters, you live in an area that occasionally floods."
"...Yeah...This is precisely why I need that insurance."
"No, that's precisely why we won't give it to you."

Unbelievable. And let's say you live on a mountain, and for some reason a flood does damage your home. Don't expect the insurance to parachute in and give you a bag of cash. The insurance police will show up and investigate your claim. I mean, how do we know you didn't cause that flood? Did you do everything in your power to prevent it? Why did you sit idly by and not stop it? You make me sick!

If you're getting a cheque from an insurance company, life must have really screwed you sideways, because even they can't detect a loophole. When I think about it, I'm shocked that there is such a thing as life insurance that pays out in the event of a person's death. Death is guaranteed, which seems to go against everything insurance is about.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge...

Would you do it too?
The doctor is in again with more informative ... information. This is important stuff here. I'm serious. This just might save your life. Or at the very least your dignity.

Candy Corn and Liver Failure

Every year at the end of October, thousands of North Americans injure themselves during Halloween activities. In order to spread awareness of these potential holiday dangers, here is the breakdown of the most common Halloween injuries.

- Drowning in overzealous apple bobbing matches.

- Blinding yourself while cutting eye holes in mask while still wearing mask.

- Trying to eat around the razor blades in your candy.

- Burst stomach from eating too many of those nasty mellocreme pumpkin candies.

- Falling the wrong way on a gourd.

- Accidentally swallowing fake vampire fangs.

- Getting beaten up by angry teenagers when you run out of treats.

- Back injury cause by improper lifting technique of pillowcase filled to brim with fun-sized candy bars.

- Having drunken sex in an abandoned house on the anniversary of a serial killer's demise in said house.

- Holding pumpkin while your father carves it.

- Inhaling clump of decorative spider web.

- Laughing at a knife-wielding midget hobo that you think is just a kid dressed as a hobo.

- Dislocating jaw on caramel apple.

- Tripping on cape in shower while doing the Monster Mash.

Mitch & Roland: #32 Trick

The air is becoming more crisp, the leaves are turning, and stores at the mall are beginning to put out their Christmas merchandise. This can mean only one thing: Halloween is fast approaching.

I'm lucky enough to live close to town yet still be surrounded by the countryside. Across the street from house I can see a sprawling field of pumpkins and this has totally gotten me into the Halloween mood. The life of a pumpkin is a strange one. While some are transformed into delicious pies, most are viciously gutted, filled with fire, and left on a porch to rot.

Let us have a moment of silence to honour these brave and gentle gourds.

Giving Thanks for Extra Belt Notches

Happy Thanksgiving to all Canadian friends. And to your families as well. Sure, why not. May the day be filled with gratitude, retrospection, and copious liters of gravy. If you don't know, the traditions of Thanksgiving started in the 1600's when early settlers enjoyed a feast with Native Americans to celebrate obesity. The pilgrims showed Squanto how to make Stove Top stuffing, and the natives showed the pilgrims how to eat corn without getting all those annoying fiber-strands wedged between your teeth.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I always thought it was stupid that Americans celebrate their Turkey Day in the final week of November. With twelve months in a year, American Christmas and Thanksgiving are only about a month apart and they cook and devour a giant bird for each. I think they could have spaced it out a bit.

And speaking of Turkeys, I still have trouble believing in the existence of Turduckens. The first time someone told me that you can buy turkeys stuffed with ducks stuffed with chickens, I thought for sure it was a total lie. At this point I wanted to make a joke about the pure gluttony of many many meats together and how we might as well wrap the whole turducken with bacon and add some sausage. After doing some research on this bastard food, I find it impossible to mock because people do stuff the extra crevices of turduckens with sausage, and they DO wrap the packed bird with bacon. In fact this process of nesting birds inside of birds was once done with 17 birds in 19th century France where (and I quote) "the final bird is small enough that it can be stuffed with a single olive".

And speaking of gluttony, I was thinking the other day about garlic fingers and how strange a food choice they are to have with pizza. Well, just think about it. Only North Americans would look at a giant greasy pizza and go:

"Jeez! You know what would go great with this pizza? A smaller cheese pizza."

"Yeah, I know. If only there was someway we could eat more bread and cheese without technically buying another pizza."

"Well you do have that bucket of garlic butter with you. Let's see if we can work something out."

"That's the spirit!"

Well I gotta get going. There's some serious eating to be done.

Mitch & Roland: #31 Fro

Despite the continuation of my general computer woes, I present a new cartoon after such a long drought (finally). I should - fingers crossed - have the Internet working on my computer by the end of this day.

Should.

This Price Tag is a House of Lies

Good gracious, this has been the longest period between blog entries for some time. I've been so busy rediscovering the glories of Canada, that I've not committed nearly enough attention to this site. Apologies all around.

Since I've returned there are certain things about Korea that I miss. First off, tax. After living two years in a country where 95% of businesses mark the price with taxes included, I got sort of used to having everything work out to nice even numbers. I see something priced at 3000 won, I pay 3000 won, and life goes on. Now, for the last several weeks I look at prices and think that's what I'll pay. I get exact change ready and then I'm thrown for a loop when the total comes to some bullshit number like $4.37. Also, in Korea, no one tips and nobody expects you to tip. On several occasions when I tried to tip someone for some food, I was met with a near aggressive refusal of it. So now I'm back to calculating how much extra I should give, and it's annoying.

And speaking of annoying, yesterday when I was using an ATM at my bank the machine ate my card. That's a first for me. It started to come out, but the card got wedged on seemingly nothing. It was in too far for me to grab, so the machine fussed with it for about five seconds and then went "Screw it!" and sucked the card back in. Next I heard the card get shredded and dumped into the ATM's furnace.

I called the help line written on the ATM and was informed by a woman that my card had been lost and I should go to my bank soon to get a replacement. That didn't seem much like help, more like a statement of the obvious:

"Sir, unfortunately you won't be able to retrieve your card from the machine, so I recommend visiting your local branch and getting a new bank card."

"...Oh? I thought you were going to help me. Like explain to me how to open this sucker up and get it back. I got tools here, if that's a problem."

Computer Woes: That's how it goes

It's been really great to be back at home and in Canada in general. I've found myself quite busy with friends, family, and general work to be done at home. I've spent a lot of time sorting through all of my junk and deciding what to toss. My lord, why have I kept everything since the beginning of time? There's no reason to hold on to junior high arithmetic papers.

Also, I've spent oodles of time trying to get my stupid computer working. Despite my efforts, it is still not completely operational. Apparently, when you don't use a computer for a long long time (let's say two years), the computer craps its pants and forgets how to work entirely. Since returning I've had to buy a new battery and a new memory card. Plus, I can't get my Internet router to work, and every time I turn on the computer a new problem pops up, whether its the mouse not working, or the screen coming up black.

It's pretty sad when you think about how fragile computers are, especially since we depend so highly on them. I found an old Betamax VCR in my closet this week which hadn't been used in forever. I plugged the sucker in, and sure enough it still worked. I mean, beta is crummy, but at least it endures. What messed up my computer? Not using it! It's not like I kicked in the screen, left it out in the snow, or packed in away in a shed with boxes of industrial magnets. I just left it in my room, safe from the elements. And it still barfed all over itself.

Arrived!

I've finally made it back to Canada, and after a good nights sleep I feel somewhat closer to human than I did upon touching down at Halifax Airport. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: That flight is a trial of human endurance.

If I could describe air travel in two words it would be "engulfing stress", so it didn't help when I watched luggage being destroyed at Toronto Airport. While I was making my connecting flight I had to claim my baggage and then pass it along to the next flight. First off, that pisses me off right there. Thousands of dollars for plane tickets, and enumerable security and tracking systems, yet they couldn't just direct my bags to my connecting flight.Everything is tagged and marked. Just pass it along!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, destroyed luggage. When I went to pick up my bags at the baggage claim conveyor belt, so many bags had come out and filled the belt that they began pressing together and crushing one another. The most distressing part was that there was a worker on top of the conveyor system at the controls...doing nothing. I watched a large hard plastic suitcase shatter apart, and others crack and groan as they bent and folded together. I have no idea what that guy was thinking. When suitcases are bursting open like squeezed eggs, it's time to stop the flow of bags and do something.

Anyway, enough about that. I'm here and already the stress has washed away. Time to get back to drawing.

Mitch & Roland: #30 Lava

I uploading this comic a day early since I will be too busy Saturday to do it then. As you have probably heard via this site or by reading any newspaper, I'm returning to Canada. I'll be back in rockin' Nova Scotia in no time at all. I expect you all to be there with wine, donuts, and hugs ready.

Can you feel the excitement in the air? I can, and it's freaking electric.

The Tide (and your cholesterol) is High

This week has mostly been devoted to packing my luggage and preparing for my flight this Saturday. My stomach is tightening into a superb knot of anticipation and anxiety. Happy to go, but sad to leave.

The doctor is in yet again, here to enlighten you on the truth behind the ocean's strange movements. Turns out, it might just be your fault.

Slake Thy Thirst!

While guzzling some Korean bottled water at the mall today, I learned something about its name. Called Soon-Soo, the name translates with two meanings: the first is 'purity', and the second meaning is that of 'innocence' or 'naivety'. I find that interesting.

Maybe you don't, but I do, and that's all that matters. Anyone who has drank a bottle of Evian has surely noticed what it spells in reverse. What are these water companies trying to tell us? I'm sure their goal was to convey the simplicity of water itself, but I can't help but feel like it's directed more at the drinker. Are we simpletons for forking out the dough for something as basic and essential as water. Do these companies see us as unsuspecting 'children' who can be easily persuaded?

Bottled water has become a fact of life, yet we all can recall a time when it was just becoming trendy. Mocked at first, and then consumed by all. It makes me think of comedian Jim Gaffigan and his first impressions of seeing bottled water for sale: "Ha! Bottled water! You guys get a load of this. They're selling bottled water. (long pause)... I guess I try one."

So maybe the names mean nothing, but sometimes it feels like anything - and perhaps eventually everything - could be marketed and sold to us. Given enough exposure to a product, we seem to give in. Having said that, be wary of cans of air for sale with names like Peer Pressure and C'mon.

Mitch & Roland: #29 Fear

This is it, my final week in Korea. The days are flying by at mach speed now, and by next Saturday I'll be on a grueling 76 hour flight back to maritimes. Ugh, not looking forward to that. A flight that long is truly a trial of human endurance. For me there is usually no sleep, no rest, and no happiness. Just zoning in and out as waves of stress crash up against me, my lower body becoming numb from immobility, and the constant roar of the engines and constant flow of crappy meals and snacks to keep me awake.

Last October I made the trip home for a brief visit and I think I'm up to the challenge yet again. I think my body has healed. Still, I can't help but be afraid.

Speaking of being afraid:

Stork Theory Alternative

This week the Doctor tackles one of world's greatest mysteries. A question that each and every one of us has pondered at least once. Where does life begin, and what unthinkable action brings it about? The answer may surprise you.

Close Encounters and Whatnot

With only about ten days remaining in Korea I've been thinking back on all the interesting experiences I've had here. Some of the most memorable and surreal experiences have been brief encounters with strangers. Usually it was people approaching me because, hey, I look different, and they figured they would test out some English. Here's a list of some of those encounters that come to mind:

• When shopping alone in a department store in Jamsil I stopped at a conveyor belt sushi bar for a little snack. While I ate, a woman in her fifties sat down next to me and after a few minutes of silence she asked me if I thought the sushi was delicious. I told her I did, and we ended up having a short broken conversation in Korean about Japanese and Korean food.
• A drunken man approached me in a PC bang and wanted to talk about music. A few minutes later he was singing 'Hotel California' for me and dancing.
• On my way to work a man started talking to me. I found out he was from Sri Lanka and he soon insisted that I should go to Sri Lanka someday. He then asked to see my passport. I got the hell out of there.
• While he never spoke to us, Sam and I watched a middle-aged man molest some statues at the park. I'll never forget that golden moment of randomness. The whole story can be found here.
• My friend Edison and I were travelling on the subway when a young Korean man sat down next to us. He enthusiastically began to tell of his hip hop dance aspirations, and how he wanted to someday make it big in America as a dancer. He then proceeded to show us his moves with an assortment of dance styles, including break dancing on the subway car floor.
• After bumping into the same man several times in my neighborhood and politely declining his offer to go drinking, I finally gave in. We stopped at a nearby bar and he bought me a beer. He didn't speak any English, but I could understand enough to talk with him a bit. Before I was done my beer I had met his friend, father, and wife.
• When visiting Korea's treasured southern gate (Sungnyemun), my friend Sam and I were quizzed on Confucian symbolism by a 68-year-old volunteer guide.
• A few days ago while walking to my usual Internet cafe a man passing on the street asked me, in Korean, where I was going. I told him I was going to a PC bang. He mimicked typing and I said yes. Then he nodded and went on his way. Oh yeah, and he was wearing shorts, slippers, and a t-shirt rolled up to his armpits.

There have been many more than these and each day has been another chance for some quirky individual to reach out and start some inexplicable conversation. For the most part I appreciate the effort.

Mitch & Roland: #28 Pet

Wow, another busy week. My days in Korea are rapidly flying by and I'll be back in Maple Country in about two weeks. I can't believe it. I've been living in Seoul for 25 months. But I've grown homesick, and the time has come to head homeward.

On Wednesday (which was Korea's independence day) I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert. I won tickets through a cross promotion with a restaurant. Hooray! Okay, well I'm not a huge fan, but the price was right, so I went and checked out the madness as thousands of Koreans scrambling to get a look at Fergie. I got to hear things like "Where is the love?" - my favorite Peas song - and even "London Bridge", which I don't think is technically a song.

Anyhow, since my departure is fast approaching I've been busy with preparations and haven't been able to devote much time to blogging. Having said that, here's a comic to distract you. Hey! Look over there!

Stop it or you'll go blind.

Very few people recognize the serious dangers that go along with reading. Each year billions of people suffer from mild to severe paper cuts as they thumb through their favorite novels, and by the time you've finished reading this paragraph The Complete Works of Shakespeare will have crushed someones foot, femur, or a passing stray dog.

So this week Dr. Knowz-it helps Sammy understand the dangers of being a bookworm.

ZOMBIES: Part Six

Hello to all, I return. I bring gifts of gold, frankincense, and brains. I know many of you had thought the epic saga would not continue, but fear not. The days have been busy and sometimes it's hard to hunker down and ink a few pages without a proper light table.

So here it is. Let us return to the zombie diner and see what unfolds next. Could it be a blanket filled with zombie dogs? Not likely, but you never know.

Introducing Dr. Knowz-it

As of this week the lone panel comics are no more. I've retired them. I've taken them out back behind the shed and done away with them. Why? Meh, I was bored with it. But if you ever want to relive those weird memories they will live on forever in the blog archive. Time to move onto new and better things. From today I present to you Dr. Knowz-it, a weekly educational comic strip.

Hopefully it will help you live a better life and make you look at the world a little differently. This weeks subject: Oranges.

Mitch & Roland: #27 Coffee

Coffee. It's the liquid that fuels us all. I've never been a big java-ite, but I see the appeal. Strangely I find the smell of coffee beans much more enjoyable that the taste of the basic drink they bring us. But add some more ingredients and sweet bits and now you're talking. Caramel Macchiato everyone, get with the program.

On Thursday a student excitedly told me that he had drunk coffee the previous day. He informed me that he made it with five 'big spoons' of coffee, five 'big spoons' of sugar, and one spoon of salt. I asked him why on earth he would put salt in his coffee and he explained that it had been 'very much sweet', making gestures like he had eaten something spicy.

That made me laugh. "Ah, too sweet, this needs salt. Oh man, now it's too salty, this needs more sugar."

Cracking the Dress Code

Nature Calls

Mitch & Roland: #26 Ta-da!

Baby's First Vertigo

Handcuffs are in this season

Just thought I would share a little thing that irks the hell out of me. Spoiled ignorant celebrities who are constantly on the news being arrested, flopping in and out of rehab, and generally engaging in shameful behavior. You know who I mean. Britney, Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, etc. I could write pages upon pages about how much I hate this ditsy characters, and it angers me even more that I could.

What infuriates me most, though, are these god awful celebrity news shows that fuel the fire of these drug-soaked aristo-brats by fixating on every little thing they do whether good or bad. I thought I could avoid this nonsense in Korea, but I still can't turn on the television without some "Entertainment Extra Celebrity Star Buzz Hour" shovelling gossip at me.

I saw one entertainment news show do a bit about Paris Hilton's release from prison, and all they could talk about was the outfit she wore while being escorted to a waiting car. They talked about her sense of style, identified the clothes, got details on their origin, and shared tips on how to recreate that summer look.

I'm sorry. Am I missing something? She just got out of prison! How is what she's wearing relevant to anything? And why, oh Jesus why, would we want to mimic that? Any day I'm expecting to see them to do whole shows on this crap:

"Today we're going to show you at home how to look your best this summer while doing time. Learn to strut your stuff in court and Mindy Sanders will be showing you five simple tips that will take your mugshot from boring to boo-yah! There's no reason you can't have a little glamour in the slammer; after the commercial break we'll give you the rundown on our big house fashion special that can help you rock the Rock and look Shawshank chic at the beach."

Also, I saw a recent report on how celebrities like Lindsay Lohan are now sporting SCRAM's (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor ) attached to their ankles. I guess that's fine. Celebrities are admitting they have problems and are taking steps to control their behavior. But it's not fine when, once again, these bloody shows act like they're wearing fashion accessories and it's becoming a new fad. Stop making these people out as trendsetters!!

I think it's fitting that when I came online to write this mini rant, msn news informed me that Lindsay Lohan had just been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving and cocaine possession. All I want to know is, what was she wearing?

Garden Accessories with Kick

Procrastination! Just what I wanted!

Today is my birthday, my third one in Korea in fact, so I decided to give myself a small gift - slacking off. That's right, no comic this weekend. My apologies to the loyal Mitch and Roland reader. (Ha. I crack myself up)

Lately all my creative juices have been diverted to sweat production as the summer is becoming increasingly hot. The humidity is reaching what I shall call "standing sweat" levels. Meaning, that even in the middle of the night, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, you can sweat simply by standing in place. That, my friends, is humid. Most of the time in Canada I was used to summer nights turning generally chilly. "Cover the tomatoes, or the frost'll get 'em!"

Korean summer is like being in a greenhouse or aquarium at times.

So, as I said, sorry for leaving you high and drawingless. I'll get back to my normal grind next week. I'm also going to pull my crap together and get the next chapter of the zombie comic rolling. Promise.

Sharing is for Suckers

The Hassle of Cash

Alright, I'm gonna level with you. I was late with this comic, and there's no excuse. I was busy with various things, and I'm not going to get into the details. Let's just say it involved transporting a killer whale to the ocean for the sake of its freedom.

Mitch & Roland: #25 Scrabble

I love a good board game, and it's been a while since I since I've had a chance to face off against a worthy opponent. Three of my favorites are Scrabble, Risk, and Monopoly. The ones that take a bit of time to play and anger the blood.

I wonder if we combined them, would they become the greatest game ever? I call it "Scrabbopolisk. The object of the game would be to purchase and build hotels on all countries of the world, while maintaining strategic word chains between continents. You'd pay luxury tax on triple word scores, and you would pick up a risk card when you play a word on the community chest. Here would be a typical example of the game in play:

"Radish. 12 points with double word score."
"I'm sorry, you played the 'h' across Madagascar. You owe me $220."
"Damn it. I'll have to mortgage the word Siamese again!"
"Tough luck. Pay up."
"Here you are. I'm going to fortify my utilities now. Your turn."
"Three. 1,2, 3. Aww... Risk card! You've won second place in a beauty pageant. Attack Siam."

And so on.

No thanks, I just starved

I remember once my boss and I were discussing Chinese dishes and he said that there is a saying about the Chinese: "They will eat anything with four legs but a table, and anything that can fly but an airplane"

While I think Westerners should win the prize for being the most willing to eat anything (Cheez Whiz, people, Cheeze Whiz), it's certainly astonishing to see what the Chinese will eat. I've had the opportunity to watch many documentaries about Asian cooking, and most of them have talked about the history and art of Chinese cuisine. One of these shows extensively covered China's 4 Heavenly Foods. They are, in no particular order, shark's fin, sea cucumber, abalone, and birds' nest.

Shark fins are taken off of live sharks and turned into soup, sea cucumbers are collected from the sea and go through a lengthy process just to make them edible, abalone are pried from underwater rocks, and birds' nest are goddamn birds' nest. How can any of these things be seen as delicious? It seems only the Chinese could see a shark fin rise out of the water and think 'dinner'. Have any of you seen a freakin' sea cucumber up close? Those things are hideous; they are the wang of the sea. And the birds' nests are found in seaside caves made by cave swifts. They make the nests in the high cave walls during their breeding season out of "interwoven strands of salivary laminae cement". AKA ... bird spit. Delish.

Even though these are an important part of Chinese culinary culture, and considered delicacies, I would like to request that everyone stop eating them. It's totally pointless. No, seriously, put down the spoon. You've been tricked, that's not food.

The show made a few points about these 'foods' very clear. First off, there are difficulties, dangers, and controversy in collecting them. Many people are outraged by the brutality of harvesting shark fins, abalone must be acquired usually by single divers in dangerous conditions, and for cripes sake, there are people climbing cave walls to get hunks of bird spit for their soup!

But more importantly these heavenly foods are all quite tasteless on their own, requiring the skilled hands of a master chef to make them a delicacy. Like tofu, these foods are bland and empty on their own, but instead soak up the flavours and seasonings of whatever they are cooked with. So, here's a thought, why not use tofu? No one has ever watched a tofu slowly suffocate in the sea because they just cut off its fin. And I bet no one has ever broke their neck while scaling a slippery cliff to get tofu. Also, as a bonus, tofu is the shape of a block; it doesn't even bother to look like an infected sea dick.

So, what I'm trying to say is, these things aren't heavenly foods, they barely even fit the description of food. It's like hundreds of years ago someone dared the Chinese to make soup out of anything. Then, once they realised they could sell it for an outrageous price, things kind of stuck. If it takes an expert culinary master all of his skill to transform one of these things into an expensive edible dish, I bet they could do it with anything. In the right hands a newspaper could become a mouthwatering main course. At the very least the name should be changed to "The Four Inedible Things China Conquered"

Sweet Tooth Injuries

Move your Body

While surfing the web, I saw a link on Penny-Arcade for an amusing Internet activity. Wanted to give it a try, and here are the results. Everyone loves a dance-off.





PS. I hate drawing with a mouse.

Summit or Plummet

Mitch & Roland: #24 Record

Korean Jacks and Summer Snacks

I feel like talking about two particular Korean things I find interesting, so here I go.

First off is a little game called Gong-gi. The playground game I can best compare it to is Jacks, except there are no rubber balls involved and instead of jacks you play with tiny plastic pebbles.

The basic idea of play is to drop five of the gong-gi on a table and then collect them one by one. To collect a selected stone, you must toss a different stone in the air, pick up the one you want from the table, and catch the tossed stone. Then you collect the rest of the stones in the same manner until you have all five in your hand again. Next you drop them on the table again and begin the process once more, but collecting two at a time. So, toss one in the air, scoop up two, catch the stone, and so on. As you might guess, next comes three at a time, then four.

Finally you toss the handful of plastic stones lightly in the air and catch as many as you can on the back of your hand. However many gong-gi you can then toss off the back of your hand and catch is the number of points you've gained.

Needless to say, I've never made a single point playing Gong-gi. But I've been thoroughly impressed by my students who zip through the whole process and make it look easy. It takes a lot of coordination, and I have none. I usually whip the gong-gi across the room in a frantic attempt to pick them off the table. A Korean teacher told me that men have trouble playing the game because their hands are too big to pick up the tiny glittery stones quickly. Maybe if we were playing with something more suitable for my big meaty hands, like hubcaps, I'd have a better chance.

The other thing is a dessert called Pat Bing Soo, which is basically a snow cone that went totally insane. As my friend Sam knows, Korea has a wondrous variety of frozen treats, but this icy dessert is really something else.

It starts off with a bowl of shaved ice topped with red bean paste, and from there all manner of foods are piled on. Ice cream, yogurt, milk, green tea, coffee, cereal flakes, rice cake, canned fruit, bananas, kiwi, strawberries, syrups, chocolate sauce, jelly bits, and cherry tomatoes. Any possible combination of these things can appear in the dessert depending on where you get it.

This is basically my third summer in Korea, and I've only tried this dessert for the first time in the last week. The verdict: It's just what you'd think. A strange mix of flavours, temperatures, and textures. The more I ate it, the more I felt like I was eating groceries that got spilled in the snow. Since it sits on a pile of ice, it's certainly refreshing on a hot summer day, which is obviously why it's a hit in humid Seoul.

I'll have to try it again to appreciate it more, since each time will be a different combination of toppings, and maybe that's the real charm of this hodgepodge dessert.

Pastrygeist

Lethal Cherry Bump

Mitch & Roland: #23 Paradox

Every Branch

This Ain't Yo Grandma's Trailer

Like any normal person, I love movie trailers. I think one of the funniest things is when a movie trailer tries to maximize excitement in the audience by giving us commands on how to get ready ("hold on tight!") or by telling us how we'll react ("you'll laugh, you'll cry!"). So here is my exaggerated movie trailer. If you can, please have Don LaFontaine read it for you with his signature deep and gravely voice.

"Prepare yourself for an adventure of epic proportions. With an unheard of running time, and a special effects budget in the billions, you'd better hold on tight and pray to sweet baby Jesus that you survive this blockbuster.

This July, hold onto your ass, 'cause just when you thought you'd seen it all ... think again. With more plot twists than lines of dialogue, you'll be on the edge of your seat, and gasping with delight with every over-the-top, pulse-pounding, tear-jerking, knee-slapping, gut-wrenching, earth-shaking, vomit-inducing, ear-splitting surpise.

Be sure to quit your job and get in line now, or face missing the movie that Newsweek calls "A frozen electric fireball of fun that blasts out the screen and rockets down your throat!" and that Movie Magazine is hailing as "The apex of cinema; A movie so swollen and ripe with CGI and explosions, you'd better bring a towel to wipe yourself off"

Ken Dandley of Rolling Stone is calling it "A life changing experience. I've seen it three times already, but I'd still ride down a mountain of nuns on a toboggan made of children just for a chance to see it again. I've got three words for you people: 'Slam Dunk Bomb'."

This summer, get ready, get pumped, brace yourself, strap yourself in, call a friend, call two, get locked and loaded, strip off, rub yourself down, buckle up, and shut up as we take you on an action-packed journey to the limit of extreme that will have you standing up and cheering.

Because this summer

it all comes down

to her!

"The Wizard of Oz 2: Dorothy's Revenge and the Emerald City Showdown: Passion of the Wicked Witch"

So get ready"

Coca-what?

Although I don't know if it's true, I hear that the worlds most well-known word is 'okay'. And the second most well-known word is 'Coca-Cola'.

Whether that's a fact or not, I'll go ahead and believe it. How can I not? The world is so immersed in the advertising of a product like Coca-Cola it's astonishing. I read online recently that 94% of the world's population can recognize the Coca-Cola trademark. Holy balls! 7000 Coca-Cola products are consumed every second. Every second! That blows my mind.

When you get to that point, why is Coca-Cola still advertising the bejesus out of this beverage? Are they trying to score that last 6%? Are they hoping to track down the last jungle tribes and remote island communities untouched by the modern world, so they can set up vending machines and billboards? Same goes for McDonalds. They've successfully let everyone on the planet know they exist. They can stop now. Mission accomplished, you guys. We all know what a Big Mac and a Coke is, so lay off the commercials for a day.

Coca-Cola has an annual budget of 1.6 billion for advertising, and McDonalds has spent over 5 billion in the last decade, just for US advertising. Since everyone already knows what the products are, and most people have become hopelessly addicted to them, what's the point? If we can walk a block without encountering an ad, will we completely forget about it?

Just for fun, I would like these companies halt all advertising for a week, or better yet, an entire month. Just to see what happens. I'm guessing it wouldn't hurt sales in the least. It might even give sales a boost. Sure, why not? Maybe if the public is as stupid as they assume, everyone will immediately notice the lack of commercials and magazine ads, assume the businesses are shutting down, go into a deranged panic, and then begin stockpiling for a Cherry-Coke-less future.

1.6 billion? Why don't they give half of that to charity or to fund medical research? I bet if they gave a billion dollars away to worthwhile causes every year it would certainly be beneficial to their image; it would be the best advertising of all. And they still would have 600 million goddamn dollars to promote Coke. That would buy a lot of flyers. They could fly hundreds of planes around the world spilling out trillions of flyers and coupons and logos and slogans all over the land. Soon every inch of the Earth could be coated with their image.

They might as well, it seems to be the last big step.

Thrills and New Skills

Mitch & Roland: #22 Meltdown

I must say, I'm glad it's the weekend. It was a busy week. Although I ranted about food and such in my previous blog entry, I have to mention a recent discovery I made at the grocery store. I was looking in the dairy section when I came across a new variety of process cheese slices called, get this, Choco-Cheese. Yes, that's right. It was chocolate cheese, a sickeningly shiny brown all in individual wrapped squares. I can't imagine any circumstance in which a person might want to eat that.



So while we ponder the place of Choco-Cheese in our world, and fret over how it came into being, please enjoy this single serving of comic.

Off The Eaten Path

Pizza. Let's talk about it. I think we can all agree that it's a delicious food and has certainly prevented many college students from dying of starvation. That being said, allow me to talk at random of the pizzas cooked, served, and eaten in Korea.

The first thing I noticed about pizza here was the addition of corn. That's a default topping. It's not a bad thing by any means, but it's different. Potatoes are another favorite topping, but not quite as popular as sweet potatoes. It's the one variety that you'll find everywhere and it probably sells more than anything else.

In Korea, the sweet potato is king. How much so, you ask? Well, several children have told me it's their favorite flavour of cake. Enough said.

Sweet potato is such a common ingredient in pizza that you'll usually find it in a paste form. Sometimes as a ring around the toppings, or inside the crust. Whatever the case, it's usually lurking somewhere on the pizza whether you ordered it or not.

I've seen pizza with sour cream, almonds, fruit, shrimp, and nacho chips for toppings. I even saw a commercial for one with a tiny fondue pot propped up in the center of the pizza for your crust dipping pleasure. But of all the strange varieties, two in particular are simply stunning.

First, from Pizza Hut Korea, is the "Cheese Volcano Pizza". I didn't make up that name. Go see the thing for yourself . The outer crust is so positively packed with bright orange-yellow liquid cheese, that it's erupting out of it. This lava-cheese can flow down into a moat of what looks like ... ranch dressing? But luckily it can't and won't contaminate the central topping area as it's protected by a wall of sweet potato mousse.

Secondly, are you ready everyone? Please brace yourself for this food concoction. From the Mr. Pizza chain restaurants we have the "Grand Prix Premium Pizza". So you got your standard fair of tomato sauce, cheese, and vegetables. That's fine. But then half the pizza is covered in potatoes, and the other half is covered in shrimp. It's sprinkled with black olives, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and raisins. And the whole thing sits on a crust made of European cookie dough.

The 'pizza' even comes with a blueberry sauce to dip your crust in. I couldn't possibly make this up.

I'm not saying this is wrong. I'm just saying, dear sweet Jesus, that's different. American pizza innovations have always been about one thing: more cheese! Let's put it in the crust, underneath, five types on top, and here's a cup of cheese for dipping. No one ever thought to combine pizza with cookies.

So, all in all I have to give credit to Koreans for trying something different. It looks like they're leading us to a new age of flavour combinations. And they will call it... The Blueberry Shrimp Dynasty.

Grampa is on time-out

Unlikely Birds of Prey

ZOMBIES: Part Five

Here we go again as the zombie adventure continues. When we last left our spindly-limbed duo, Roland was hacking away at zombies on the front lawn and Mitch was still trapped in the attic. Now that we're up to speed:

Tactless Ogre

I hope someone got that title.

Hey, hey! It looks like I've just published my 100th post. Time really flies. Boy, if I had a nickle for every post on my blog....well...I've never been good with math. But maybe that's enough to get a coffee or something. Uh, maybe not a Starbucks coffee. Those things are pricey.

I've got your waffle cone right here

Whisper to Scream

Some days I'm totally bewildered by the complete difference in volume that children deliver. In any given classroom of mine it's nearly evenly divided between the extremely loud or the surprisingly quiet. And there really isn't any middle ground with this; every kid is either an explosion of noise ready to go off at any moment like a roman candle, or their lips are sealed.

I've seen kids so quiet and shy, they hardly seem to be pushing air from their lungs during speech. I'm constantly straining to catch their words and telling them to speak up. So it doesn't help when the other half of the class are shouting like nuts.

Which brings me to the other thing. Every class also seems divided on students who have energy and those who have none. Some kids cling to me like burrs and have the attention spans of hummingbirds. The rest just plop down in their chairs and gaze about with sleepy expressions.

I guess it's stupid for me to find it odd that children are not all the same, but sometimes I wonder how it can be so split down the middle. I come into class and half of the kids act like I'm the coolest thing since candy, and the others stare me down with such apathy it's astounding. Looking at me like I'm trying to convince them to trade their cellphones for a rusted baby carriage filled with dead shrimp.

Last week in a class of four we did a writing exercise about our ideal pet. Two students wrote near identical paragraphs about cute kittens. The other two wrote about dragons they could ride around on; dragons that eat people. Also, one girl named her dragon 'gaeto', which I found out in Korean means 'dog vomit'.

It seems that even their ideas are loud and quiet.

Mitch & Roland: #21 Listen

Is He Housebroken?

Flight of the Navigator

ZOMBIES: Part Four

Well, after about a month of being zombie less, I think it's high time to get back to the story at hand. Thanks for being so patient. So, here it is. For anyone not familiar with the previous installments, you can always catch up.

These pages took me longer to draw and ink than anything thus far, and hopefully it shows. I have the next bunch nearly finished and they'll be ready in the near future. So keep an eye out for zombie goodness. Ha! Eye out.

Cut Off

Last night I finished reading a pretty interesting book by John D. Barrow called The Infinite Book. You heard me correctly. I finished it.

Talk about false advertising. I haven't been this upset since watching "The Neverending Story".

And speaking of that movie, I've gone out numerous times with friends and co-workers to the delightful Norae bangs (private karaoke rooms) here in Korea, and I've always been surprised at the selections of song they have or don't have. Like, I can barely find a decent Billy Joel number to sing, but I'll stumble across the title song from the movie "The Neverending Story" by one hit wonder Limahl.

What the hell?

EureKA-BOOM!

Contagious Wear

I've been in Korea long enough to have stopped looking for weird text on people's clothes. When I'm with the right people, it can become a fun pastime to see who can find the funniest t-shirt being worn at the mall. But in many ways I've become desensitized to it.

Today, after talking with a student for ten minutes, I suddenly became aware that her t-shirt -which was bright pink and red with a cute character in the center- had the following written on it "She enjoy making She is a very inordinately Happy Virus".

The 'Happy Virus' part was written in large bubble letters underneath the cute girl character. I don't really know what any of that could mean. While the shirt tells us that the character is a happy virus, I find it more strange that she is an inordinately happy virus. What a word to use.

Look out people! This girl is overly happy and excessively infectious.

Quadrilogy of the Remakes: At Wit's End

Recently I've watched two of the giant mega-hyped summer movies of the year. I'm talking about Spiderman 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. While both movies were running over with special effects and high octane flaming-school bus-through-a-fireworks-factory grade action sequences, I left both of them feeling a little disappointed.

I think the biggest problem is that both movies shove tons of new characters and excessive plot down our throats. Neither movie handles this very well. They are both third installments in highly successful action trilogies, so it's like both are trying to wrap up an overload of plot lines and create some finality to the dozens of characters. Yet, the sad thing is, neither film feels like a conclusion. I know for certain that right now, fourth movies are being pushed for each franchise, and they will be made.

Why? Because people just want to make money. You look at the movies being made today and it's obvious that well over 50 percent of the films are all sequels, prequels, remakes, re-imaginings, reinventions, and similar unoriginal junk. And if something new and interesting is ever successful, it'll be milked to death. Clusters of sequels filmed all at once will be released in rapid succession every summer, with rushed scripts and numerous rewritings.

And it shows.

The third Pirates movie was spectacular to see (I want to see it again just to enjoy the visuals and action again), but I really had to strain myself for three hours to piece together the plot and the motivations of the characters. I dare anyone coming out of the theatre to convey the story to a stranger in under thirty minutes and answer all their confused questions.

A little extra care and polish and I think these two movies could have been something special. I see a lot of money on the screen, but not a lot of thought. But I guess that's fine for Hollywood. Churning out high-grossing sloppily made sequels leaves you with tons of cash and time. Just what you need to make more sequels.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

Mitch & Roland: #20 Crush

Well here we are at the twentieth weekend with Mitch and Roland. Good times, good times. For those of you wondering about these guys and their zombie adventure, I swear I haven't forgotten. After putting together the first three parts in rapid succession, I decided to take a little break, but now I'm back into my living dead groove, and you can expect the next installment in a week.

Anyway, this comic is about forbidden love.