Deck Envy

Here's a thought.

Did you know that all you need to do to steal children's money is sell tiny pieces of cardboard and claim they're collectible? Or rare! I'm basing this on the fact that children all around me are obsessed with yu-gi-oh cards. A large part of their day revolves around obtaining and groping those tiny rectangular pictures.

In Canada and Korea alike, I've witnessed children amass thick stacks of these ridiculous playing cards and gloat to their friends. I use the phrase 'playing cards' lightly, cause I've yet to see any children actually playing with the damn things. I imagine less than 5% of all the kids who blew their allowances on those packets have ever bothered to decipher the rules and give it a go. They're too busy trying to find the ultimate card.

You know. The one that does six million damage points and dispenses ice cream.

Until then they'll spend their time fondling the shiny cards and fanning them out with glee. Yet, for all the money spent on these cards, they don't 'cherish' them as you would expect. I've seen so many of these cards scattered on the streets it's retarded. I know the kids probably toss the ones they have doubles of, but I collected more than thirty cards outside my house one day. That's a bit much.

One day a student of mine grabbed one of his friend's cards and tore it in twain ... for no reason. The kid went "Awwwwww" for about two seconds before returning mindlessly to his card-ogling. Tell me that's not weird. I've watched students pitch a fit over anything and nothing, so I was surprised when that act of destruction didn't result in a punch in the mouth. It's like these cards have an unholy grip on the youth. It brainwashes them into obtaining the cards, but never doing much more than that.

Hey! You remember POGS ? I sure do. They seemed to dominate the last years of my elementary school days. Nothing like discs of meaningless cardboard to stimulate a child's mind.

I have an idea. Why don't we just sell discarded pudding cups as a toy? Sure! Just paint some ugly cartoon characters on the side and call them "Wacky Power Kups". Kids can whip them at each other's heads and gain 'Golden Kuppin' Points'. Then, once they've bought enough Kups to support their body weight , they become a Kupper Master and earn the respect of friends. Yes! I can see it now! Do you wanna buy some? A pack of three costs 6 bucks.

What? Got no money? Ask your mother!