February 23, 2012
February 21, 2012
February 19, 2012
February 18, 2012
February 11, 2012
Man Meets Book
I went to get a bagel on my break at work. I was hungry, which is the case 92% of the time. I went to a nearby cafe/ soup & sandwich shop. I was told that I could not have a bagel because, "Now we're making lunch."
Hmm. Well, I don't understand. Are you out of bagels?
No, but we've shut down the toaster and now we're serving sandwiches for lunch.
Uh ... what?
Yes, it's a stupid thing to complain about, but why couldn't they sell me a bagel? It's not like I asked for hash browns and a Spanish omelet made with quail eggs. It's a piece of bread. You're already making sandwiches, why not just make me a round one? Oh, I'm sorry, you shut down the toaster. What was I thinking? God forbid you plug it back in. But what's the point, since you've already retired all the knives for the day.
Sometimes people just baffle me. Take this situation for example ...
I was at the grocery store the other day and was wandering aimlessly near the magazines when some guy approached me with this question: "Excuse me. What are these for?"
The man gestured to the racks filled with magazines and books.
I thought carefully before I spoke, because there was a good chance I had just been given a trick question by an undercover actor on some reality show I'd never heard of called Stupid Question Surprise Hour.
" ... They're for reading." I answered carefully. And the man seem satisfied with that, thanked me, and moved on. I assume he eventually left the store once someone taught him about "doors".
What are these books for? Really? That's like being asked what pencils do, or what stairs are for. Actually I've been asked that last question before, but from a little kid. Completely baffling questions are to be expected from children without fully developed brains. I don't expect them from middle aged men in the supermarket.
Hmm. Well, I don't understand. Are you out of bagels?
No, but we've shut down the toaster and now we're serving sandwiches for lunch.
Uh ... what?
Yes, it's a stupid thing to complain about, but why couldn't they sell me a bagel? It's not like I asked for hash browns and a Spanish omelet made with quail eggs. It's a piece of bread. You're already making sandwiches, why not just make me a round one? Oh, I'm sorry, you shut down the toaster. What was I thinking? God forbid you plug it back in. But what's the point, since you've already retired all the knives for the day.
Sometimes people just baffle me. Take this situation for example ...
I was at the grocery store the other day and was wandering aimlessly near the magazines when some guy approached me with this question: "Excuse me. What are these for?"
The man gestured to the racks filled with magazines and books.
I thought carefully before I spoke, because there was a good chance I had just been given a trick question by an undercover actor on some reality show I'd never heard of called Stupid Question Surprise Hour.
" ... They're for reading." I answered carefully. And the man seem satisfied with that, thanked me, and moved on. I assume he eventually left the store once someone taught him about "doors".
What are these books for? Really? That's like being asked what pencils do, or what stairs are for. Actually I've been asked that last question before, but from a little kid. Completely baffling questions are to be expected from children without fully developed brains. I don't expect them from middle aged men in the supermarket.
January 24, 2012
Thoughts on Donuts
1. This first thing is really a note to donut sellers. If you have the urge to put a donut in a tiny paper bag, ... don't. The only thing sadder than finding a donut stuck upside-down inside the bag is losing 75% of the frosting when you pull it out. Always put a donut on a plate, inside a box, or at the very least, a flat bottom bag. Face up! I ordered a chocolate dipped donut. I didn't order a plain donut with a chocolate paper sleeve.
2. Did you know that donut comes from an old Dutch word meaning "dessert bagel"? Did you also know that there are three main types of donuts? Well, let me tell you. There are three divisions in the donut family (that I made up).
3. It occurred to me one day that we live in a world with "all-dressed" potato chips, and "everything" bagels, but why is there no such thing as an "everything" donut? We need to maximize the potential here. Observe this diagram:
As you can see the three divisions of donuts occasionally overlap. For example, where glazorai and fillohm meet we can find a powdered jelly donut. Or when topulus and fillohm join forces they create something like a chocolate covered eclair. But a donut has yet to be created that appears in the golden zone where all three overlap.
Someday I dream of drinking a coffee and enjoying an uber-donut. A giant beast of a donut that's been glazed, powdered, dipped, sprinkled, and stuffed with five different fillings (chocolate, vanilla, maple, jelly, and Boston cream).
4. Hell, it's about time we start making gigantic donuts and delivering them to homes like pizzas. You could even use the same boxes, just make them taller. Imagine the delight on the faces of kids across the country when dad comes home with a huge birthday cake-sized uber-donut still hot from the fryer and sizzling away in its insulated box. But be careful, Jimmy, that custard is scalding. And don't forget to save a slice of the cruller side for your sister. You know she doesn't like having to pick off all the sprinkles one at a time.
5. I wonder if donuts sales would be negatively affected by marking how many calories each donut has on top of them with icing. Would it have the same effect (or no effect) as marking packs of cigarettes with gross pictures of cancerous lungs? I mean, how would you feel if the donut you just bought had "300" clearly written on it to show how many calories you're about to eat? Would you not it eat? Would you regret not getting the "250" calorie donut instead?
Of course icing each donut with that nutritional information would be a lot of extra work and it's bound to lead to this scenario:
Which brings me to another point. How can you accurately mark the number of calories in a donut when the act of marking them adds to the total calories? I call this problem ...
It seems like the only way to do it involves trial and error. But the process could be made easier by writing numbers with only short straight lines like you'd see on a digital clock. If we imagine hypothetically that a short length of icing is 1 calorie, then you'd know how many calories each digit will add. For example, "1" = 2 calories, "2" = 5 calories, "3" = 5 calories as well, and so on.
If a donut was 300 calories, you couldn't just write "300" on it, because you would have added 17 calories in the process. But you couldn't write "317" instead because that number gives the donut a total calorie count of 310.
So, like I said the best method is trial and error. I discovered that a 300 calorie donut could be marked as "312" and also have exactly 312 calories.
Perhaps if more research went into this problem a mathematical formula could be created to discover which icing numerals would pair best with specific base calorie amounts and still match up. Perhaps the formula could have real world applications that benefit mankind.
Then again, it's only donuts.
2. Did you know that donut comes from an old Dutch word meaning "dessert bagel"? Did you also know that there are three main types of donuts? Well, let me tell you. There are three divisions in the donut family (that I made up).
- Topulus: These are donuts with some sort of decorative and sweet topping on the upper hemisphere of the donut. It could be a type of frosting, sauce, sprinkles, or nuts for example.
- Fillohm: These are donuts with a central holding space for jelly, jam, cream, or custard. It also is made up of donuts with some other fruit filling cooked into the dough, like an apple fritter.
- Glazorai: These are donuts with a complete coating of the outer surface area by a powdered sugar or glaze. You know you're eating a glazorai when there is no conceivable way to hold the donut without becoming sticky or dusted for prints.
3. It occurred to me one day that we live in a world with "all-dressed" potato chips, and "everything" bagels, but why is there no such thing as an "everything" donut? We need to maximize the potential here. Observe this diagram:
As you can see the three divisions of donuts occasionally overlap. For example, where glazorai and fillohm meet we can find a powdered jelly donut. Or when topulus and fillohm join forces they create something like a chocolate covered eclair. But a donut has yet to be created that appears in the golden zone where all three overlap.
Someday I dream of drinking a coffee and enjoying an uber-donut. A giant beast of a donut that's been glazed, powdered, dipped, sprinkled, and stuffed with five different fillings (chocolate, vanilla, maple, jelly, and Boston cream).
4. Hell, it's about time we start making gigantic donuts and delivering them to homes like pizzas. You could even use the same boxes, just make them taller. Imagine the delight on the faces of kids across the country when dad comes home with a huge birthday cake-sized uber-donut still hot from the fryer and sizzling away in its insulated box. But be careful, Jimmy, that custard is scalding. And don't forget to save a slice of the cruller side for your sister. You know she doesn't like having to pick off all the sprinkles one at a time.
5. I wonder if donuts sales would be negatively affected by marking how many calories each donut has on top of them with icing. Would it have the same effect (or no effect) as marking packs of cigarettes with gross pictures of cancerous lungs? I mean, how would you feel if the donut you just bought had "300" clearly written on it to show how many calories you're about to eat? Would you not it eat? Would you regret not getting the "250" calorie donut instead?
Of course icing each donut with that nutritional information would be a lot of extra work and it's bound to lead to this scenario:
Which brings me to another point. How can you accurately mark the number of calories in a donut when the act of marking them adds to the total calories? I call this problem ...
The Decorated Donut Calorie Conundrum
It seems like the only way to do it involves trial and error. But the process could be made easier by writing numbers with only short straight lines like you'd see on a digital clock. If we imagine hypothetically that a short length of icing is 1 calorie, then you'd know how many calories each digit will add. For example, "1" = 2 calories, "2" = 5 calories, "3" = 5 calories as well, and so on.
If a donut was 300 calories, you couldn't just write "300" on it, because you would have added 17 calories in the process. But you couldn't write "317" instead because that number gives the donut a total calorie count of 310.
So, like I said the best method is trial and error. I discovered that a 300 calorie donut could be marked as "312" and also have exactly 312 calories.
Perhaps if more research went into this problem a mathematical formula could be created to discover which icing numerals would pair best with specific base calorie amounts and still match up. Perhaps the formula could have real world applications that benefit mankind.
Then again, it's only donuts.
January 3, 2012
A Whole Half Decade
Happy New Year, and salutations to you all. With the dawn of 2012 comes another important date: the five year anniversary of the very blog you're reading. Hoorah!
There have been ups and downs, redesigns, malfunctions, and plenty of creative outlets and projects (not all of which succeeded). But I've stuck with this little blog since 2007 and that takes some amount of commitment. To put it into perspective, Turnipism has lasted longer than the equivalent of twenty-five Kardashian marriages. Let that information sink in.
To celebrate this occasion I thought I would look back and pick out some various highlights of things I've written, drawn, or folded over the years. Yes, it's a shameless self promotion, but hopefully I can encourage newcomers to explore the backlog of material, or for dedicated readers to relive the memories. Join me, won't you?
- My very first Mitch and Roland comic. Little did I know that they would eventually become mascots for the site. Behold the crudeness of that first drawing!
- Love hearing someone gripe? I made observations about life in Korea and ranted on topics such as public washrooms, the abuse of pizza, and China's heavenly foods.
- I'm proud of myself for writing the line "I'd still ride down a mountain of nuns on a toboggan made of children just for a chance to see it again." It was for my awesome movie trailer.
- 2008 was an important year because it's when I started the sister blog, Five-O-Rama, to compile all sorts of random bits of information into easily digestible groups of five. Some good friends got involved and now it's a group effort to educate the masses about anything from favorite movies to unhealthiest fast food; from most spectacular mustaches to most famous sandworms. It's got something for everyone and I highly recommend checking it out.
- I also found time to rant about a number of topics like knock-off DVD's, Daylight Savings Time, and illogical lawsuits.
- Do you know the dangers of Ice Fog? No? Well, how about the dangers of time machines? Or the dangers of excessive skin care? Well, listen up. I'm here to educate as well as entertain.
- I shared some videos of other hobbies of mine, like origami and paper cup stacking. Be in awe of my misuse of free time.
- To compete with the excessively large girl and boy groups that make up the K-Pop music industry, I made plans to form a ultra mega super group called the Diva Dozen.
- As we delved deeper into my origami obsession I challenged myself to fold the smallest paper crane possible. How small did I manage? You'll have to click another link to find out.
- In March I had some fun writing parodies to songs by Katy Perry, Billy Joel, and Ke$ha. They are best enjoyed by singing along at your maximum achievable volume.
- In case you think everything was hunky-dory that year, I still had plenty of things to bitch about like filthy coins, smokers, and a refrigerator from hell. Spoiler alert!: They all suck.
- In June I decided to become a vegetarian for the month as a way of challenging/ abusing myself. It was ... interesting.
- Between watching movies and making games about them, I also started writing poems about them. More of those are on the horizon, by the way.
- I know it was only a few months ago, but if you love Halloween and werewolves then please take a gander at this comic I drew frantically over a few days.
Anyway, Happy New Year, everybody! Here's to another 12 months or so before the world is obliterated by some catastrophe the Mayans foretold. I haven't done the research myself, but I hope it's zombies.
There have been ups and downs, redesigns, malfunctions, and plenty of creative outlets and projects (not all of which succeeded). But I've stuck with this little blog since 2007 and that takes some amount of commitment. To put it into perspective, Turnipism has lasted longer than the equivalent of twenty-five Kardashian marriages. Let that information sink in.
To celebrate this occasion I thought I would look back and pick out some various highlights of things I've written, drawn, or folded over the years. Yes, it's a shameless self promotion, but hopefully I can encourage newcomers to explore the backlog of material, or for dedicated readers to relive the memories. Join me, won't you?
2007
- My very first Mitch and Roland comic. Little did I know that they would eventually become mascots for the site. Behold the crudeness of that first drawing!
- Love hearing someone gripe? I made observations about life in Korea and ranted on topics such as public washrooms, the abuse of pizza, and China's heavenly foods.
- I'm proud of myself for writing the line "I'd still ride down a mountain of nuns on a toboggan made of children just for a chance to see it again." It was for my awesome movie trailer.
2008
- 2008 was an important year because it's when I started the sister blog, Five-O-Rama, to compile all sorts of random bits of information into easily digestible groups of five. Some good friends got involved and now it's a group effort to educate the masses about anything from favorite movies to unhealthiest fast food; from most spectacular mustaches to most famous sandworms. It's got something for everyone and I highly recommend checking it out.
- I also found time to rant about a number of topics like knock-off DVD's, Daylight Savings Time, and illogical lawsuits.
2009
- Do you know the dangers of Ice Fog? No? Well, how about the dangers of time machines? Or the dangers of excessive skin care? Well, listen up. I'm here to educate as well as entertain.
- I shared some videos of other hobbies of mine, like origami and paper cup stacking. Be in awe of my misuse of free time.
- To compete with the excessively large girl and boy groups that make up the K-Pop music industry, I made plans to form a ultra mega super group called the Diva Dozen.
2010
- As we delved deeper into my origami obsession I challenged myself to fold the smallest paper crane possible. How small did I manage? You'll have to click another link to find out.
- In March I had some fun writing parodies to songs by Katy Perry, Billy Joel, and Ke$ha. They are best enjoyed by singing along at your maximum achievable volume.
- In case you think everything was hunky-dory that year, I still had plenty of things to bitch about like filthy coins, smokers, and a refrigerator from hell. Spoiler alert!: They all suck.
2011
- In June I decided to become a vegetarian for the month as a way of challenging/ abusing myself. It was ... interesting.
- Between watching movies and making games about them, I also started writing poems about them. More of those are on the horizon, by the way.
- I know it was only a few months ago, but if you love Halloween and werewolves then please take a gander at this comic I drew frantically over a few days.
Anyway, Happy New Year, everybody! Here's to another 12 months or so before the world is obliterated by some catastrophe the Mayans foretold. I haven't done the research myself, but I hope it's zombies.
December 18, 2011
Holiday Checklist
Where have I been, you ask? Oh ... you know, around. I've been staying indoors to avoid the cold and/or pesky human interaction. Yep, these days I've been doing little to no blog posting, infrequent Facebook status updates, and accepting the occasional grocery delivery via message tube so I don't have to look the delivery man in the eyes. I've kept myself occupied with work and fallen off the grid, as is my holiday tradition.Yes, sir, I'm just like a secret agent or loner or something.
I do hope the month has been going well for all of you (except for Glen - he knows what he did). Have you finished your Christmas shopping? Have you even started? Have you called your relatives and made up excuses about why their Christmas cards probably got delayed in the mail, as you stare at a stack of blank holiday cards sitting next to the phone?
Have you placed that order for the turducken, the aged cranberry cheese log, and the shrimp fountain? Have you taken your children to see Santa at the mall, and then wandered off to take pictures of strangers with iPhones at the Apple store? Have you finally convinced that special someone to jingle your bells, deck your halls, mistle your toe, and roast your chestnuts on an open innuendo?
Have you purchased a tree that's been chopped down in it's prime just so you can dress it up like a whore in your living room and discard it in a couple weeks, you monster? Have you purchased a fake tree instead; one made of non-biodegradable plastics and chemicals that will pollute the earth forever after you discard it in a couple years, you monster?
Have you hidden away that important gift in a place she or he would never think to look? Have you made a map so you'll remember where you hid the gift and how to find it? Have you hidden that map as well, and made an additional map to lead you to the original map? Have you locked away the second map and made a third map to find the key to the second map's safe? Have you eaten the third map? Have you rented the x-ray machine?
You have? Well, it looks like someone's ready for Christmas.
I do hope the month has been going well for all of you (except for Glen - he knows what he did). Have you finished your Christmas shopping? Have you even started? Have you called your relatives and made up excuses about why their Christmas cards probably got delayed in the mail, as you stare at a stack of blank holiday cards sitting next to the phone?
Have you placed that order for the turducken, the aged cranberry cheese log, and the shrimp fountain? Have you taken your children to see Santa at the mall, and then wandered off to take pictures of strangers with iPhones at the Apple store? Have you finally convinced that special someone to jingle your bells, deck your halls, mistle your toe, and roast your chestnuts on an open innuendo?
Have you purchased a tree that's been chopped down in it's prime just so you can dress it up like a whore in your living room and discard it in a couple weeks, you monster? Have you purchased a fake tree instead; one made of non-biodegradable plastics and chemicals that will pollute the earth forever after you discard it in a couple years, you monster?
Have you hidden away that important gift in a place she or he would never think to look? Have you made a map so you'll remember where you hid the gift and how to find it? Have you hidden that map as well, and made an additional map to lead you to the original map? Have you locked away the second map and made a third map to find the key to the second map's safe? Have you eaten the third map? Have you rented the x-ray machine?
You have? Well, it looks like someone's ready for Christmas.
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