Well before anyone knew it Christmas has come and gone yet again, and although it's late to be doing so, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Remember, that Christmas can last as long as you want, or at least as long as you can survive on only turkey sandwiches and nog.
Christmas felt particularly tame this year, and it seems that I, friends, and family all had a light version of the usually holiday blowout we've enjoyed in past years. I blame the economy and Sarah Palin. Hey! Fun fact. Did you know that Sarah Palin is actually a cluster of silkworms painted to look like a woman? Well, now you know.
I've done my best to feel the Christmas spirit by decorating, listening to Christmas carols, and watching holiday specials. But as usual what I really want for the holidays is snow, and Korean winters aren't really equipped for snow. On the Monday before Christmas I was at the gym in the evening, and as I was leaving, the manager warned me of the weather outside, saying that it was very "slippery" and "dangerous". I thanked him for his concern and told him I would take my chances, but deep down I was half-excited that I might see a blanket of snow, or freezing ice pellets, or something to remind me of Canada. When I got outside, I was met with the lightest of snowfalls floating to earth.
I took my time walking home, enjoying the snow, and it was one of the few true Christmas moments I had this year. Sadly it had all melted by morning. What amused me though was that I had been warned that it was dangerous. For me, a dangerous amount of snow is one that requires military intervention. For Koreans, it seems to be any amount of snow that reaches the ground. When I was a kid we used to always get incredible snowfalls that were perfect for building forts. I don't think Korean kids know the joys of digging tunnels through mounds of snow, or schools closing because the roads are slippery.
Once in Halifax I opened my front door to encounter a wall of snow with the imprint of the door in it, and I had to dig my way out with a broom. Another time me and friend braved an intense snowstorm to go get hamburgers. We were bundled up as if we were ascending Everest, and the blowing snow limited our vision at times to a few feet. If some of my students had witnessed that weather, it might look as if the end of the world was near, but at the time, it was simply an obstacle in the way of food. These are the memories that come to mind when I think of dangerous snow, and I'm sure my brother could top any of these stories.
Anyway, I wish you all happy holidays. I hope the festive season and New Year bring you whatever you desire most. Be it a the company of someone you love, a thoughtful gift, or an avalanche of snow.
December 27, 2008
December 19, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #48 Kid
So the weekend is here and you're not too sure how to entertain yourself. Well how about becoming a Big Brother? Finally a way to pass along your vast knowledge and some essential life lessons without the bother of having a younglin' of your own.
'Cause when you get right down to it, having a child is a big messy affair ... like getting a dog. Sure, they're cute, but the adorable factor lessens when you have to break out the mop for the twentieth time. Babies are more acceptable in short bursts. Now that I think about it, we really need a business that rents out puppies for the weekend.
'Cause when you get right down to it, having a child is a big messy affair ... like getting a dog. Sure, they're cute, but the adorable factor lessens when you have to break out the mop for the twentieth time. Babies are more acceptable in short bursts. Now that I think about it, we really need a business that rents out puppies for the weekend.
December 15, 2008
Delicious Cargo: Breaking the Delivery Boy Code
Everywhere I go there are food deliveries being made on motorbikes and scooters. And much of the time these deliveries are being made with a complete disregard for traffic laws and/or human safety. Yet, there isn't much fuss over the dangerous actions of the delivery boys. They live by a set of rules we must not worry ourselves with. But through careful observation, I've compiled some of those rules. Enjoy.
- The delivery of the food order must be of your utmost concern. Everything else, including fires, escaped deranged animals, and women giving birth on the street, should be ignored.
- Red lights only apply to vehicles that are larger than your bike.
- You may, if necessary, make use of sub-lanes to reach you destination. Sub-lanes are paths reserved for, and only visible to, delivery boys, and include the spaces between cars in actual lanes, sidewalks, alleyways, stairs, outdoor cafes, and between people's legs.
- If possible you should chain smoke at all times while on a delivery. Not only does it keep you focused while speeding, it's a great way to look cool for your girlfriend - who is likely desperately clinging to you from the rear seat.
- When traversing narrow side streets at blinding speeds, never slow down at an intersection. If you must make a turn, go even faster after completing it to make up for lost time.
- Because your vehicle has only two wheels it can be classed as a pedestrian. Make use crosswalks when helpful, and don't be afraid to take your bike on the bus.
-To make tighter and more efficient 90 degree turns, anchor yourself by grasping a signpost, railing, or fat child.
-If there are multiple deliveries to make on a single trip, don't bother to come to a complete stop when dropping off the food. Instead hurl the order through an open window or plow your way into the customer's house and then use a sub-lane to your next destination.
- Remember, if the food your delivering is not hot enough to burn the mouth of the waiting customer, you are not really a man. So gun it already.
- The delivery of the food order must be of your utmost concern. Everything else, including fires, escaped deranged animals, and women giving birth on the street, should be ignored.
- Red lights only apply to vehicles that are larger than your bike.
- You may, if necessary, make use of sub-lanes to reach you destination. Sub-lanes are paths reserved for, and only visible to, delivery boys, and include the spaces between cars in actual lanes, sidewalks, alleyways, stairs, outdoor cafes, and between people's legs.
- If possible you should chain smoke at all times while on a delivery. Not only does it keep you focused while speeding, it's a great way to look cool for your girlfriend - who is likely desperately clinging to you from the rear seat.
- When traversing narrow side streets at blinding speeds, never slow down at an intersection. If you must make a turn, go even faster after completing it to make up for lost time.
- Because your vehicle has only two wheels it can be classed as a pedestrian. Make use crosswalks when helpful, and don't be afraid to take your bike on the bus.
-To make tighter and more efficient 90 degree turns, anchor yourself by grasping a signpost, railing, or fat child.
-If there are multiple deliveries to make on a single trip, don't bother to come to a complete stop when dropping off the food. Instead hurl the order through an open window or plow your way into the customer's house and then use a sub-lane to your next destination.
- Remember, if the food your delivering is not hot enough to burn the mouth of the waiting customer, you are not really a man. So gun it already.
December 11, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #47 Control
Hey, do you like video games? Sure you do. Who doesn't? Well I've got a surprise for you. Guess what it is.
No ... not that. No. No, it isn't that either. What? No. That's just stupid. No, no, no. That doesn't even make sense, Mario isn't a real person, and even if he was, how would he ride a horse? Anyway, stop guessing. The surprise is that this comic makes reference to video games. Suck in all that goodness, gamers. This one's free.
No ... not that. No. No, it isn't that either. What? No. That's just stupid. No, no, no. That doesn't even make sense, Mario isn't a real person, and even if he was, how would he ride a horse? Anyway, stop guessing. The surprise is that this comic makes reference to video games. Suck in all that goodness, gamers. This one's free.
November 23, 2008
Strap On Incentive (No, not that)
I'm always interested, yet confused by the combination of items sold in Korean supermarkets. It's a common thing to find unusual 'bonuses' strapped to your purchases with packing tape.
At times it's just more of what you're buying: A tiny carton of milk to go with a big carton of milk, or a chocolate bar with a box of chocolates. There is sense and value in that.
But other times, it's something unexpected. Like once I received a Tupperware pitcher with a box of cereal, and last week I bought some laundry soap and it came with a model battleship to assemble. I suppose the idea was to give you something to do while you're waiting for your clothes to dry. Is this really supposed to boost sales?
"Man, I don't need any licorice. But wait a Goddamn minute, this one comes with a porcelain unicorn. Jackpot!"
It just doesn't make sense. Not like when you buy some vodka and it comes with a mini screwdriver set. That makes perfect sense. Everyone knows drunks have the most ambition to fix things.
At times it's just more of what you're buying: A tiny carton of milk to go with a big carton of milk, or a chocolate bar with a box of chocolates. There is sense and value in that.
But other times, it's something unexpected. Like once I received a Tupperware pitcher with a box of cereal, and last week I bought some laundry soap and it came with a model battleship to assemble. I suppose the idea was to give you something to do while you're waiting for your clothes to dry. Is this really supposed to boost sales?
"Man, I don't need any licorice. But wait a Goddamn minute, this one comes with a porcelain unicorn. Jackpot!"
It just doesn't make sense. Not like when you buy some vodka and it comes with a mini screwdriver set. That makes perfect sense. Everyone knows drunks have the most ambition to fix things.
November 19, 2008
Nobody is Everywhere!
For the last two months I've been bombarded with a hit Korean single that has pretty much overloaded the airwaves in South Korea. It's a little diddy by the Wondergirls called "Nobody".
You know how sometimes you'll get a song stuck in your head, and for days or weeks on end it keeps repeating over and over in your head? Well, that isn't happening to me. Because this song is just perpetually playing everywhere all the time anyway! If I wasn't continuously hearing the song, it might actually get stuck in my head.
I turn on the TV, it's playing. I walk down the street, it's playing. I buy groceries, it's playing. I go to the mall, it's playing. At the gym, it's playing. When I stop to eat, it's playing. It's on everyone's phone, the radio, and all the kids are singing it. I heard it four times during one meal.
If you're interested in seeing and hearing what all the hoopla is about, you can view one of the many performances. Be sure to sing along with the only English words for the chorus:
"I want nobody, nobody but you (clap, clap)
I want nobody, nobody but you (clap, clap)"*
Just thought I'd share this music phenomenon with you. Remember, if it gets stuck in your head, the only cure is to listen to it nonstop.
*At this point you should clap your hands twice, and not give someone gonorrhea twice in a row.
You know how sometimes you'll get a song stuck in your head, and for days or weeks on end it keeps repeating over and over in your head? Well, that isn't happening to me. Because this song is just perpetually playing everywhere all the time anyway! If I wasn't continuously hearing the song, it might actually get stuck in my head.
I turn on the TV, it's playing. I walk down the street, it's playing. I buy groceries, it's playing. I go to the mall, it's playing. At the gym, it's playing. When I stop to eat, it's playing. It's on everyone's phone, the radio, and all the kids are singing it. I heard it four times during one meal.
If you're interested in seeing and hearing what all the hoopla is about, you can view one of the many performances. Be sure to sing along with the only English words for the chorus:
"I want nobody, nobody but you (clap, clap)
I want nobody, nobody but you (clap, clap)"*
Just thought I'd share this music phenomenon with you. Remember, if it gets stuck in your head, the only cure is to listen to it nonstop.
*At this point you should clap your hands twice, and not give someone gonorrhea twice in a row.
November 15, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #46 Vegasism
The stars say that it is time to wrap up this whole Las Vegas story arc, and get these fools back home.
The stars also say that you are likely to be attacked by a man wielding a piranha gun* during the final weeks of November. Just thought I'd give you a heads up.
* If you're not sure what a piranha gun is, it's a gun with a barrel large enough to fire a piranha.
The stars also say that you are likely to be attacked by a man wielding a piranha gun* during the final weeks of November. Just thought I'd give you a heads up.
* If you're not sure what a piranha gun is, it's a gun with a barrel large enough to fire a piranha.
November 12, 2008
I'm the First Person to Have Read This!
Time to add to the list of things that drive me mad.
Gym Towels
I don't know if it's universal gym standard or just for the ones I've gone to, but it seems like the towels offered are beyond small. There's nothing fun about drying oneself off with a series of facecloths. Maybe they would save time and energy cleaning bins of towels if they made them a reasonable size so people wouldn't be forced to use 40 or more with each visit.Spitters
I'll never understand the reason some people spit all over the place, as if they are constantly finding themselves with a mouthful of bird shit. I'm tired of going for walks and having to keep my eyes on the ground to navigate the minefield of loogies. Also, God forbid I'm ever eating food while outside my home, as there's nothing more wonderful that hearing someone mere feet away hacking and gargling mucus, followed by the audible sound of phlegm hitting pavement.People Who Comment First
Why is it that every time I read the comments on a website, the first comment is always some jack-off saying "First!"? It's like some moronic trend that's swept the Internet. Are there really people scouring websites at all hours of the day and night waiting for new articles and videos to post? This isn't a friggin' race! If you have something meaningful to say, a criticism, or some praise, then write it. If your comment is only to say that you are the first person to comment, then you've said nothing, and yet still established yourself as a loser. I guess they're hoping someone will congratulate them or mail them a trophy. What I'd really like is whenever these people have a party, reunion, or wedding, the first person to show up shouts "First!" and promptly leaves. Then the next 3-4 people to arrive all argue blandly about who arrived second. Also a few people should be yelling about porn, and one guy should continuously declare everything is fake.
November 11, 2008
Slow Dancing in the Sauna
I've joined the gym recently and have been going after work. The soreness I feel now is a clear indication of how out of shape I've become in the last year.
This evening, after I finished working all my gracktoids to their limit, I hit the sauna to sweat out my remaining strength. When I entered there was a Korean gentleman lying on the floor, and he sat up as I sat on the floor. I greeted him with an "Annyong Haseyo" and that's all it took to trigger a conversation.
Well, it wasn't a real back a forth conversation, because I only know a little Korean, and he only knew a little English. But it was enough for him to talk to me enthusiastically for almost 30 minutes. He talked about his two children living in Vancouver and California, his difficult job, the expense of living and the burden of sending money to his children, his love of golf, and his interest in dance.
He was so set on conveying this interest that he got up and proceeded to dance. It was a slow waltz that he carefully performed around the sauna, dancing with an imaginary woman. He even encouraged me to follow his motions to learn the dance myself.
It was weird, to say the least. It felt as if I was suddenly part of a ridiculous sitcom where guy A needs to learn how to dance in time for the big party to impress the girl of his dreams, and guy B shows him a few moves. Then someone walks in the room and cracks a gay joke. Then the fake audience loses their shit.
Oh, Korea, what will you pull next?
This evening, after I finished working all my gracktoids to their limit, I hit the sauna to sweat out my remaining strength. When I entered there was a Korean gentleman lying on the floor, and he sat up as I sat on the floor. I greeted him with an "Annyong Haseyo" and that's all it took to trigger a conversation.
Well, it wasn't a real back a forth conversation, because I only know a little Korean, and he only knew a little English. But it was enough for him to talk to me enthusiastically for almost 30 minutes. He talked about his two children living in Vancouver and California, his difficult job, the expense of living and the burden of sending money to his children, his love of golf, and his interest in dance.
He was so set on conveying this interest that he got up and proceeded to dance. It was a slow waltz that he carefully performed around the sauna, dancing with an imaginary woman. He even encouraged me to follow his motions to learn the dance myself.
It was weird, to say the least. It felt as if I was suddenly part of a ridiculous sitcom where guy A needs to learn how to dance in time for the big party to impress the girl of his dreams, and guy B shows him a few moves. Then someone walks in the room and cracks a gay joke. Then the fake audience loses their shit.
Oh, Korea, what will you pull next?
November 4, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #45 Reunited
Today I ate one of the weirdest sandwiches of my life, and it was of my own doing. The ingredients were peanut butter, hash browns, onions, hot sauce, pickles, and squid. It wasn't good by any stretch, but it didn't kill me. That's the fun of sandwiches, the only thing that limits what you put between those two slices of bread is your own courage.
Let us now turn to the wacky duo and their continuing escapades.
Let us now turn to the wacky duo and their continuing escapades.
October 29, 2008
Things That Go Squat in the Night
As Halloween approaches, I'm pleased to find myself getting into the spirit of the season. Just yesterday I dressed up as Frankenstein's monster and sacrificed a goat. Then I ate a dozen boxes of Popeye candy sticks.
Okay, none of that really happened, but I will be carving some pumpkins tomorrow eve, and I intend to watch some horror movies. Can't go wrong with that. Nothing gets the heart pumping like a good scare.
Speaking of being scared, I think I've lived in Korea long enough to make a general observation: Koreans squat very well. It seems to be one of the more preferred stances, and I see it happening at all hours of the day and night. I think elderly Koreans must have the strongest knees on earth, because on my way to work, I often see women in their 80's and 90's squatting and just chilling.
The reason I bring this up is because on numerous occasions I've had the living shit scared out of me by someone squatting. I go for walks in the evening and as I'm walking about through the neighborhoods I'll suddenly see that there is an old Korean man squatting a foot away from me - smoking and staring. Had he been standing up I would have likely seen him, but since he was squatting, he disappeared into the shadows.
It's the kind of fright you get when you think you're alone, and realizing that there's someone right next to you. I would like them to stop doing that. Not just because it's startling, but because it seems dangerous. If you're squatting in the road and a man walking by couldn't see you, how well do you think a car will?
Anyway, that's my thought for the day. Hope everyone has a fun and spooky Halloween. For lovers of candy and groups of five please check out my list of the worst Halloween treats.
Boo.
Okay, none of that really happened, but I will be carving some pumpkins tomorrow eve, and I intend to watch some horror movies. Can't go wrong with that. Nothing gets the heart pumping like a good scare.
Speaking of being scared, I think I've lived in Korea long enough to make a general observation: Koreans squat very well. It seems to be one of the more preferred stances, and I see it happening at all hours of the day and night. I think elderly Koreans must have the strongest knees on earth, because on my way to work, I often see women in their 80's and 90's squatting and just chilling.
The reason I bring this up is because on numerous occasions I've had the living shit scared out of me by someone squatting. I go for walks in the evening and as I'm walking about through the neighborhoods I'll suddenly see that there is an old Korean man squatting a foot away from me - smoking and staring. Had he been standing up I would have likely seen him, but since he was squatting, he disappeared into the shadows.
It's the kind of fright you get when you think you're alone, and realizing that there's someone right next to you. I would like them to stop doing that. Not just because it's startling, but because it seems dangerous. If you're squatting in the road and a man walking by couldn't see you, how well do you think a car will?
Anyway, that's my thought for the day. Hope everyone has a fun and spooky Halloween. For lovers of candy and groups of five please check out my list of the worst Halloween treats.
Boo.
October 14, 2008
First One's Free: Game On!!!
I find it interesting how much the Nintendo DS has been rising in popularity in Korea. Several years ago it made a mild debut, but interest has picked up and I think it's for 4 reasons.
One. Many shops that carry the DS have playable handhelds for people to try. At the mall there are even whole stores devoted to the product with rows of seats for shopper to come in, pick up a DS, and get their game on. They even have stations where you can clean and tend to your game system.
Two. While there is a huge range of people who enjoy the DS (toddlers and businessmen alike), the real target seems to be girls. The sheer quantity of accessories being sold for the DS is insane. The system already comes in a handful of colors, but you got enough additional options to pimp out your DS to satisfy the wackiest customization junkie. Koreans love to bedazzle their cellphones, so I suppose their games should be no different.
Three. Another huge reason for the success of the system is the education angle. I think advertisements and promotions have proven to parents that the DS will boost their child's IQ and teach them English. The system has a considerable collection of language and brain testing titles, so those have been the perfect selling point for this academically obsessed country.
Four. The biggest driving factor for the success of the DS is drugs. Yes, you heard me, drugs. It's obvious that the handhelds that anyone can play at the stores are coated in a chemicals, then absorbed though the hands and tongue (depending on your intimacy level with the game). Those chemicals immediately attack the brain and cause the player to become addicted. If you think the general public can contend with 14 separate games about ponies having birthdays without being high on something, think again.
One. Many shops that carry the DS have playable handhelds for people to try. At the mall there are even whole stores devoted to the product with rows of seats for shopper to come in, pick up a DS, and get their game on. They even have stations where you can clean and tend to your game system.
Two. While there is a huge range of people who enjoy the DS (toddlers and businessmen alike), the real target seems to be girls. The sheer quantity of accessories being sold for the DS is insane. The system already comes in a handful of colors, but you got enough additional options to pimp out your DS to satisfy the wackiest customization junkie. Koreans love to bedazzle their cellphones, so I suppose their games should be no different.
Three. Another huge reason for the success of the system is the education angle. I think advertisements and promotions have proven to parents that the DS will boost their child's IQ and teach them English. The system has a considerable collection of language and brain testing titles, so those have been the perfect selling point for this academically obsessed country.
Four. The biggest driving factor for the success of the DS is drugs. Yes, you heard me, drugs. It's obvious that the handhelds that anyone can play at the stores are coated in a chemicals, then absorbed though the hands and tongue (depending on your intimacy level with the game). Those chemicals immediately attack the brain and cause the player to become addicted. If you think the general public can contend with 14 separate games about ponies having birthdays without being high on something, think again.
October 13, 2008
Behold the Optical Kings Upon Their Emerald Thrones
I recently got a new set of prescription lenses for my glasses after a long long period of not being able to see far away, and convincing myself that there's nothing worth seeing over there anyway. (Look out! A bus!)
I waited so long that I'm reminded of the words of comedian Brian Regan: "I just got new glasses after six years. You ever wait that long? How can instantly improved vision not be at the top of your to-do list? Meh ... I'll see tomorrah."
That's pretty much the situation. I must say, this whole 'seeing' thing is really top notch. Why the hell did I wait so long? Probably because of the price. In Canada when I asked about the cost of new lenses, the woman told me it would cost up to $400.
"Will they be made of crystallized eagle tears?" I asked her.
"No." She said from her small mountain of gold coins.
Well, what's the use of being able to see, if you have to walk around in a paper bag? So I waited until I arrived in Korea, and got new lenses for $60. And it only took a couple hours to get them. Awesome.
Procrastination ... it saves.
I waited so long that I'm reminded of the words of comedian Brian Regan: "I just got new glasses after six years. You ever wait that long? How can instantly improved vision not be at the top of your to-do list? Meh ... I'll see tomorrah."
That's pretty much the situation. I must say, this whole 'seeing' thing is really top notch. Why the hell did I wait so long? Probably because of the price. In Canada when I asked about the cost of new lenses, the woman told me it would cost up to $400.
"Will they be made of crystallized eagle tears?" I asked her.
"No." She said from her small mountain of gold coins.
Well, what's the use of being able to see, if you have to walk around in a paper bag? So I waited until I arrived in Korea, and got new lenses for $60. And it only took a couple hours to get them. Awesome.
Procrastination ... it saves.
October 5, 2008
Hail to the Five
No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Though I am on the far side of it. Just been busy getting situated in Koreaville.
Sadly, as of right now, I'm without proper means of scanning or capturing images that I've drawn, so that aspect of the blog will be on a temporary hold. You can still expect the occasional rant, because anger makes the world go 'round.
For now I'd like to let you know about another blog I've been working on, which I intend to direct most of my attention for now. It's Five-o-rama. As many of you would know, I have a love of lists, and Five-o-rama is my way of corralling them all in one place. Basically it's a series of top five lists on a variety of topics.
Give it look if you have a chance, and be sure to drop me a comment, or any suggestions you might have for future lists. Peace!
Sadly, as of right now, I'm without proper means of scanning or capturing images that I've drawn, so that aspect of the blog will be on a temporary hold. You can still expect the occasional rant, because anger makes the world go 'round.
For now I'd like to let you know about another blog I've been working on, which I intend to direct most of my attention for now. It's Five-o-rama. As many of you would know, I have a love of lists, and Five-o-rama is my way of corralling them all in one place. Basically it's a series of top five lists on a variety of topics.
Give it look if you have a chance, and be sure to drop me a comment, or any suggestions you might have for future lists. Peace!
September 22, 2008
Air Travel Survival Guide
I’ve arrived back in Korea after yet another long and tiresome flight. I only had the one connecting flight and most of my time in the air was between Toronto and Seoul.
As you well know, any flight exceeding the 6 hour mark is boring and awful beyond reason. My flight was more than 13 hours. There is only so much time your body will allow being crammed in a tiny uncomfortable seat; tired and not sleeping, not hungry but being fed.
But like any gruelling test of human endurance, creativity is key to help pass the time and keep the mind sharp. Here is a breakdown of some of the best ways to entertain yourself on an airplane flying machine:
- Without revealing location, go and use one of the washrooms, then after returning to your seat allow your travel mate to then inspect the washrooms and guess which one you used. Note: this activity requires a friend, family member, or an open-minded fellow passenger.
- See how many times you can “accidentally” push the button that summons a flight attendant before you are struck.
- Stand up suddenly and shout, “A BOMB … ardier is a member of a military aircraft crew.”
- Whenever the drink cart comes around compete with a friend to see who can ask for the most idiotic drinks such as coconut milk, chai tea, sea water, papaya juice, vitamin cola, melonade, etc. Score one point for each request, and 5 points if the attendant becomes fed up and walks away.
- See how any pillows you can steal from other passengers. Use them to build a fort.
- Attempt to climb up into the overhead compartments. When someone stops you, begin to cry and complain that you just wanted to lie down.
- Bring a long shoelace with you. Take one of those hard rolls from a meal and save it, along with a little bottle of water. When the person seated next to you falls asleep, thread the shoelace through the bun and tie the end so you have a bun on a rope. Carefully soak the bun with water, but not so much that it dissolves apart. While holding on to the shoelace, cast the soggy bun over the seats ahead of you. Immediately drop the free end of the shoelace in your fellow passenger’s lap and then pretend to be asleep as well. Brace yourself.
As you well know, any flight exceeding the 6 hour mark is boring and awful beyond reason. My flight was more than 13 hours. There is only so much time your body will allow being crammed in a tiny uncomfortable seat; tired and not sleeping, not hungry but being fed.
But like any gruelling test of human endurance, creativity is key to help pass the time and keep the mind sharp. Here is a breakdown of some of the best ways to entertain yourself on an airplane flying machine:
- Without revealing location, go and use one of the washrooms, then after returning to your seat allow your travel mate to then inspect the washrooms and guess which one you used. Note: this activity requires a friend, family member, or an open-minded fellow passenger.
- See how many times you can “accidentally” push the button that summons a flight attendant before you are struck.
- Stand up suddenly and shout, “A BOMB … ardier is a member of a military aircraft crew.”
- Whenever the drink cart comes around compete with a friend to see who can ask for the most idiotic drinks such as coconut milk, chai tea, sea water, papaya juice, vitamin cola, melonade, etc. Score one point for each request, and 5 points if the attendant becomes fed up and walks away.
- See how any pillows you can steal from other passengers. Use them to build a fort.
- Attempt to climb up into the overhead compartments. When someone stops you, begin to cry and complain that you just wanted to lie down.
- Bring a long shoelace with you. Take one of those hard rolls from a meal and save it, along with a little bottle of water. When the person seated next to you falls asleep, thread the shoelace through the bun and tie the end so you have a bun on a rope. Carefully soak the bun with water, but not so much that it dissolves apart. While holding on to the shoelace, cast the soggy bun over the seats ahead of you. Immediately drop the free end of the shoelace in your fellow passenger’s lap and then pretend to be asleep as well. Brace yourself.
September 10, 2008
Mow, mow, mow. How do you like it? How do you like it?!!
Well, I'm a mere week away from my return to Korea to resume teaching shenanigans. I finished my current job at the beginning of September and have been keeping myself busy since. How are you keeping yourself busy, you ask.
Mowing grass.
Yeah, that's about it. It's an around the clock unending job in itself. My father's property is about three acres of obstacles to mow around. What makes the job harder is only having one gas mower to do it with; a mower that is at death's door.
Plus, with the unpredictable weather that Nova Scotia provides, a day planned for catching up with cutting grass can turn into a panicked run for shelter from a downpour. When the grass is wet, it's impossible to cut, but waiting for it to dry means risking another rain shower, and more grass growing. I can wait days for it to dry and still feel like I'm mowing a field of coleslaw. You push through three metres of slightly damp grass and the whole works clog up, the blades struggle, and you have to stop and dig it out by hand. That's a kind of fun you only read about in magazines. Bullshit Mowing Monthly, for example.
By the time I've finished, the parts I initially cut a few days ago are already looking shaggy, and you pretty much have to tackle it right then and there in case it rains and becomes out of control. At this point I see the virtues of paving it over.
Mowing grass.
Yeah, that's about it. It's an around the clock unending job in itself. My father's property is about three acres of obstacles to mow around. What makes the job harder is only having one gas mower to do it with; a mower that is at death's door.
Plus, with the unpredictable weather that Nova Scotia provides, a day planned for catching up with cutting grass can turn into a panicked run for shelter from a downpour. When the grass is wet, it's impossible to cut, but waiting for it to dry means risking another rain shower, and more grass growing. I can wait days for it to dry and still feel like I'm mowing a field of coleslaw. You push through three metres of slightly damp grass and the whole works clog up, the blades struggle, and you have to stop and dig it out by hand. That's a kind of fun you only read about in magazines. Bullshit Mowing Monthly, for example.
By the time I've finished, the parts I initially cut a few days ago are already looking shaggy, and you pretty much have to tackle it right then and there in case it rains and becomes out of control. At this point I see the virtues of paving it over.
August 28, 2008
Clotheslined by Charlotte's Web
As my hatred for things grow, so does my list. Here are the next three entries of things that suck so very very much.
I don't hate spiders outright, they generally mind their own business and build amazing structures that defy logic. What I do hate is that their webs are always colliding with my face. You know you hate this too. You're walking along, enjoying your soft serve cone and then wham, big face full of spiderweb. And you can't just simply brush it off. It's sticky, invisible, and impossible to grab. All you can do is screech like a little girl as you flop about hoping that the spider wasn't in the center when you collided with it. The worst thing is that it usually happens when you're walking somewhere that it wouldn't make sense for a web to be; a web suspended by nothing! There's nothing more aggravating and confusing then to land your face in a batch of web while walking across an empty field.
Why is it that every big chain store wants to be it's own self sustaining universe? I'm not even focusing on Wal-Mart; this is a more wide spread problem. In the last ten years it seems like every grocery store is expanding to also sell clothes, furniture, toys, electronics, housewares, and everything else under the sun. It seems like these businesses are trying to help people achieve "one stop shopping", but that is quite far from reality. The truth is now you have to go to store after store after store because you can never predict what they may or may not have. Pharmacies sell groceries, grocery stores have pharmacies, electronic stores sell furniture, furniture stores sell electronics, department stores have fast food spots, and fast food spots have playgrounds. It's madness! Okay, maybe it's not that crazy, but it's an issue that is only becoming worse and worse with time.
And speaking of grocery stores, I'm getting a little tired of being asked these stupid pointless questions when paying for my items: "Did you find everything you were looking for?". I just mumble something affirmative and try to move the process forward. What do they expect us to say? "No, I couldn't find what I was looking for, but luckily this store sells lots of shit, so I grabbed a pile of something else." "No, I didn't find what I was looking for, though I'm quick to give up, so maybe the fault is with me." or how about "No, but don't worry. Even if I had, it wouldn't have filled the gaping emotional hole in my life."
But even if we answer "No" is the cashier really going to do anything about it? Is she going to drop everything and lead you around the store to help find the missing items? Are you going to demand that action be taken to rectify the situation? No! You're going to say "yes", pay for your crap, and try to get out of there before the long line of angry customers behind you resort to stabbing.
Spiderwebs
I don't hate spiders outright, they generally mind their own business and build amazing structures that defy logic. What I do hate is that their webs are always colliding with my face. You know you hate this too. You're walking along, enjoying your soft serve cone and then wham, big face full of spiderweb. And you can't just simply brush it off. It's sticky, invisible, and impossible to grab. All you can do is screech like a little girl as you flop about hoping that the spider wasn't in the center when you collided with it. The worst thing is that it usually happens when you're walking somewhere that it wouldn't make sense for a web to be; a web suspended by nothing! There's nothing more aggravating and confusing then to land your face in a batch of web while walking across an empty field.
Stores that Try to Do Everything
Why is it that every big chain store wants to be it's own self sustaining universe? I'm not even focusing on Wal-Mart; this is a more wide spread problem. In the last ten years it seems like every grocery store is expanding to also sell clothes, furniture, toys, electronics, housewares, and everything else under the sun. It seems like these businesses are trying to help people achieve "one stop shopping", but that is quite far from reality. The truth is now you have to go to store after store after store because you can never predict what they may or may not have. Pharmacies sell groceries, grocery stores have pharmacies, electronic stores sell furniture, furniture stores sell electronics, department stores have fast food spots, and fast food spots have playgrounds. It's madness! Okay, maybe it's not that crazy, but it's an issue that is only becoming worse and worse with time.
Pointless Check out Questions
And speaking of grocery stores, I'm getting a little tired of being asked these stupid pointless questions when paying for my items: "Did you find everything you were looking for?". I just mumble something affirmative and try to move the process forward. What do they expect us to say? "No, I couldn't find what I was looking for, but luckily this store sells lots of shit, so I grabbed a pile of something else." "No, I didn't find what I was looking for, though I'm quick to give up, so maybe the fault is with me." or how about "No, but don't worry. Even if I had, it wouldn't have filled the gaping emotional hole in my life."
But even if we answer "No" is the cashier really going to do anything about it? Is she going to drop everything and lead you around the store to help find the missing items? Are you going to demand that action be taken to rectify the situation? No! You're going to say "yes", pay for your crap, and try to get out of there before the long line of angry customers behind you resort to stabbing.
August 24, 2008
Olympic Fever Part III
First thing, this is my 200th post. Hooray for me. I think I'll celebrate this by punching a wooden post 200 times. Or maybe I'll have a cake, because there is really no other proper way to celebrate anything.
So the Olympics are done. It was an exciting and thrilling time. The Unites states won a total of 480 medals, and Canada won a participation ribbon. Also, the true identities of Aquaman and the Flash were finally revealed.
Anyway, the focus of this final Olympic post will be on the subject of mascots. If you hadn't noticed, the mascots designed for the Beijing Olympics were these five cuddly creatures. Created based on China's popular animals there is a panda, a fish, an antelope, a swallow, and ... the Olympic flame. Hopefully children won't start believing that animals love fire because they are best friends.
Of course, there were several preliminary designs and ideas for mascots to represent China for the games. Here are some of the rejected characters that never had a chance to win over our hearts and become marketable toys.
Wall-Wall, the Great Divider
Lucky, the Sexual Active Panda.
Chow Yun-Fat, the Actor
Phlegmer, the Happy Respiratory Ailment Cloud.
Bulge, the Speedo-Wearing Buddha.
Mr. Chang, the Nondescript Factory Worker.
Wonton, the Steaming Delicious Egg Roll.
Phallico, the Playful Sea Cucumber.
Po-Po, the Cute Androgynous Large-Headed Character with Huge Dewy Eyeballs.
So the Olympics are done. It was an exciting and thrilling time. The Unites states won a total of 480 medals, and Canada won a participation ribbon. Also, the true identities of Aquaman and the Flash were finally revealed.
Anyway, the focus of this final Olympic post will be on the subject of mascots. If you hadn't noticed, the mascots designed for the Beijing Olympics were these five cuddly creatures. Created based on China's popular animals there is a panda, a fish, an antelope, a swallow, and ... the Olympic flame. Hopefully children won't start believing that animals love fire because they are best friends.
Of course, there were several preliminary designs and ideas for mascots to represent China for the games. Here are some of the rejected characters that never had a chance to win over our hearts and become marketable toys.
Wall-Wall, the Great DividerLucky, the Sexual Active Panda.
Chow Yun-Fat, the Actor
Phlegmer, the Happy Respiratory Ailment Cloud.Bulge, the Speedo-Wearing Buddha.
Mr. Chang, the Nondescript Factory Worker.
Wonton, the Steaming Delicious Egg Roll.Phallico, the Playful Sea Cucumber.
Po-Po, the Cute Androgynous Large-Headed Character with Huge Dewy Eyeballs.
August 23, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #44 Winner
Having long been a casino shill, this comic is close to my heart. By the way, why aren't you gambling? Haven't you heard that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that gambling can treat most ailments such as ringworm and the gout. It is also a great source of profit.
Remember, what happens in Vegas, is cured in Vegas.
Remember, what happens in Vegas, is cured in Vegas.
August 18, 2008
Olympic Fever Part II
The Olympics continue, and for a long while I was concerned that the Canadian athletes had packed up and gone home. But luckily, some medals have been won. Really the 2008 Olympics should be titled "United States vs. China" but I'm not going to complain. Canada still has a chance to catch up. Although, it may involve cheating, inventing new events, and competing alone.
As I'm sure you've heard, during the opening ceremonies the starring young girl mimed the performance because the actual girl singing (7 year old Yang Peiyi) was deemed as having too fat a face and crooked teeth. That's sad. I thought the Olympics were about promoting goodwill, and celebrating diversity and human achievement. Apparently, having a beautiful singing voice isn't enough to win the hearts of our vain world. If this is how things work, why aren't ugly athletes aren't told to stay home?
Anyway, the Olympics have a long history of controversy. Here's a list of some athletes and the shocking reasons they were disqualified from competing:
- Weightlifter Vladimir Chistyakov, discovered to be millions of fire ants in a rubber human suit.
- Gymnast Hana Madsen, was secretly pumped full of helium to maximize airtime.
- Swimmer Derek O'Conner, found to have concealed small outboard motor in ass.
- Javelin Thrower Yasser Farhoud, exceeded limit of two cyborg limbs.
- Diver Samantha Haine, traces of Tylenol found in bloodstream. Performance enhanced by lack of headache.
- Runner Joshua Lamaze, use of flamethrower.
- Volleyball player Ieva Tampaki, hair did not meet regulation standards for bounce and sheen.
- Cyclist Anthony Ecker, using bike that was actually a horse painted to resemble a bike.
- Boxer Robert White, thumped fists together and growled "Hulk smash!".
- Swimmer Misaki Yamamoto, disqualified for having trained harder than was necessary.
As I'm sure you've heard, during the opening ceremonies the starring young girl mimed the performance because the actual girl singing (7 year old Yang Peiyi) was deemed as having too fat a face and crooked teeth. That's sad. I thought the Olympics were about promoting goodwill, and celebrating diversity and human achievement. Apparently, having a beautiful singing voice isn't enough to win the hearts of our vain world. If this is how things work, why aren't ugly athletes aren't told to stay home?
Anyway, the Olympics have a long history of controversy. Here's a list of some athletes and the shocking reasons they were disqualified from competing:
- Weightlifter Vladimir Chistyakov, discovered to be millions of fire ants in a rubber human suit.
- Gymnast Hana Madsen, was secretly pumped full of helium to maximize airtime.
- Swimmer Derek O'Conner, found to have concealed small outboard motor in ass.
- Javelin Thrower Yasser Farhoud, exceeded limit of two cyborg limbs.
- Diver Samantha Haine, traces of Tylenol found in bloodstream. Performance enhanced by lack of headache.
- Runner Joshua Lamaze, use of flamethrower.
- Volleyball player Ieva Tampaki, hair did not meet regulation standards for bounce and sheen.
- Cyclist Anthony Ecker, using bike that was actually a horse painted to resemble a bike.
- Boxer Robert White, thumped fists together and growled "Hulk smash!".
- Swimmer Misaki Yamamoto, disqualified for having trained harder than was necessary.
August 14, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #43 Awoke
August 11, 2008
Olympic Fever Part I
The Olympics are on. If you haven't been watching, shame on you! Have you no respect or interest in the grand history of these games?
If you don't know, the Olympics originally started in 1896 in Athens, Greece when a man hurled a hammer at a beggar and passers-by were impressed by the distance and accuracy of his throw. Since then every four years a rich city has been able to host the games as the world unites to show off their spandex outfits and goggles.
There are so many good events to watch, but here is a list of the events that don't exist, but should. A man can dream, right?
- 12,000 meter Breaststroke: In this event there are no placements of medals, anyone who doesn't give up or drown will win gold.
- Pole Vault Archery: Athletes must shoot arrows as they pole-vault. Points are given for how high they are in the air once the arrow is shot, and also how accurate the shot is.
- Pummel Horse: Teams of three are timed on knocking a horse down using their bare hands.
- Octathlon: Running, shooting, biking, boxing, strangling, fencing, moonwalking, swimming.
- Synchronized Wrestling: Two opponents must fight one another and pretend as if they are looking in a mirror, mimicking the other person's movement.
- Heavyweight Spine Lifting: Athletes will have their legs bound with large splints to prevent them from bending their knees and must lift varying weights. Points given for style, not moving legs at all, and remaining silent.
-Cross-Country Rowing: Two boats of six rowers each will race through 500 meters of water, press on as they reach the shore and race another 100 meters up the beach and across a street.
- Cat Throw: A hurling competition where athletes must toss a cat as far as possible. Now, just so you realize I'm not being cruel, the player will be disqualified if the cat dies.
- Relay Javelin: Another hurling event that incorporated running. Athletes must run 100 meters with a javelin and then hurl it to their teammate who takes the javelin and runs also. This process must repeat at least three times.
- Equestrian Trampoline: I'll let you work out the details for this one yourself.
- Sporadic Hurdle Basketball: Played on a modified basketball court where hurdles will spring up out of the ground randomly and will only retract once they are jumped over.
If you don't know, the Olympics originally started in 1896 in Athens, Greece when a man hurled a hammer at a beggar and passers-by were impressed by the distance and accuracy of his throw. Since then every four years a rich city has been able to host the games as the world unites to show off their spandex outfits and goggles.
There are so many good events to watch, but here is a list of the events that don't exist, but should. A man can dream, right?
- 12,000 meter Breaststroke: In this event there are no placements of medals, anyone who doesn't give up or drown will win gold.
- Pole Vault Archery: Athletes must shoot arrows as they pole-vault. Points are given for how high they are in the air once the arrow is shot, and also how accurate the shot is.
- Pummel Horse: Teams of three are timed on knocking a horse down using their bare hands.
- Octathlon: Running, shooting, biking, boxing, strangling, fencing, moonwalking, swimming.
- Synchronized Wrestling: Two opponents must fight one another and pretend as if they are looking in a mirror, mimicking the other person's movement.
- Heavyweight Spine Lifting: Athletes will have their legs bound with large splints to prevent them from bending their knees and must lift varying weights. Points given for style, not moving legs at all, and remaining silent.
-Cross-Country Rowing: Two boats of six rowers each will race through 500 meters of water, press on as they reach the shore and race another 100 meters up the beach and across a street.
- Cat Throw: A hurling competition where athletes must toss a cat as far as possible. Now, just so you realize I'm not being cruel, the player will be disqualified if the cat dies.
- Relay Javelin: Another hurling event that incorporated running. Athletes must run 100 meters with a javelin and then hurl it to their teammate who takes the javelin and runs also. This process must repeat at least three times.
- Equestrian Trampoline: I'll let you work out the details for this one yourself.
- Sporadic Hurdle Basketball: Played on a modified basketball court where hurdles will spring up out of the ground randomly and will only retract once they are jumped over.
August 6, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #42 Flight
You may want to check out episode 41 before viewing this one. I know it's not the usual form to have a continuing story, but... meh.
July 28, 2008
Drive-By Guffawing
Here are some more things to add to the list of stuff that drives me mad...
Not headphones, but those little ones you have to jam in your ear. Why are they always associated with active people? People are always using them while dancing, jogging, playing sports or other outdoor activities. Problem is, I've never owned a pair that sit comfortably in my ears or stay in while I'm moving around. That's just annoying as hell. But the biggest issue I have with them is that they tangle so easily. You can wrap them up carefully, put them in a drawer and the next time you unravel them you've got a square knot. The wire for one earpiece is always three times longer than the other and there's usually a volume control or clip halfway down the cord to bugger things up even worse. By the time you get the mess undone you don't feel like listening to music and end up strangling a stranger.
People who have yard sales sometimes forget the whole idea of a yard sale is to get rid of your extra junk. You can't make a living having yard sales. The best you can hope for is to have strangers willingly take away your garbage and to put a few extra bucks in your pocket. But some lawn jockeys are hoping to strike it rich it seems by asking outrageous prices for stuff that should have been disposed of in 1984. I can't believe these fools who don't accept an offer: "I'll give you 2 bucks." "No, I paid $25 for it new". Yeah? Well, so what? Are you selling it or not? it ain't new any more and if it's so precious to you, why are you trying to get rid of it? How can you set a price on something you don't want anymore? It's not like your a store trying to make your money back. Just take what you can get and move on.
People that Shout from Cars
Specifically people that drive by and shout random nonsense at pedestrians and cyclists. This is just Goddamn ridiculous. In the summer I love going for a bike ride. It's fun, good exercise, and a great way to enjoy nice weather. But each time I go out, without fail, some random prick will shout out a car window at me as they zoom by. Sometimes they are trying to say something, but of course I can't hear them because they are speeding past me, but usually it's just a good old scream or yelp. First of all, that just marks these people as morons. They couldn't say something funny, or clever, or a sound that means anything. No. The best the caveman and his asinine friends can manage is a random burst of sound. There's nothing wrong with acting silly in front of your friends to have a good laugh, but if shouting at a stranger as you drive by is 'hilarious' then I'm about to give up on this species. Also, if their intent was not to be funny, maybe the shout was meant to startle the individual? So they lose control of their bike, collide with a vehicle and get killed? Well if that's the idea, then these people are not only stupid as shit, they're crazy and/or cruel. Good for them. The next time some loser hollers at me while I'm trying to enjoy a bike ride, I hope they get caught up with high-fiving their pals and crash into a tree, police car, or chemical plant.Earphones
Not headphones, but those little ones you have to jam in your ear. Why are they always associated with active people? People are always using them while dancing, jogging, playing sports or other outdoor activities. Problem is, I've never owned a pair that sit comfortably in my ears or stay in while I'm moving around. That's just annoying as hell. But the biggest issue I have with them is that they tangle so easily. You can wrap them up carefully, put them in a drawer and the next time you unravel them you've got a square knot. The wire for one earpiece is always three times longer than the other and there's usually a volume control or clip halfway down the cord to bugger things up even worse. By the time you get the mess undone you don't feel like listening to music and end up strangling a stranger.
Yard Sale Pricing
People who have yard sales sometimes forget the whole idea of a yard sale is to get rid of your extra junk. You can't make a living having yard sales. The best you can hope for is to have strangers willingly take away your garbage and to put a few extra bucks in your pocket. But some lawn jockeys are hoping to strike it rich it seems by asking outrageous prices for stuff that should have been disposed of in 1984. I can't believe these fools who don't accept an offer: "I'll give you 2 bucks." "No, I paid $25 for it new". Yeah? Well, so what? Are you selling it or not? it ain't new any more and if it's so precious to you, why are you trying to get rid of it? How can you set a price on something you don't want anymore? It's not like your a store trying to make your money back. Just take what you can get and move on.
July 23, 2008
Why Most People Don't Deserve a Refund
If there's one saying that angers me more than any other it's "The customer is always right". I'm sure that anyone who has worked in customer service would share this hatred.
First of all, if the customer is always right, why is there a need for customer service departments? What do they have questions about? If they are always correct, they should always know the answer. I mean, how could someone be right about everything and be an idiot? Those things don't match up.
And what about this expression: "Buyer Beware"
If customers are always right, then what do they have to be concerned about? I'm assuming since they are always right then their choices must be equally precise. Obviously the saying suggests that a person should be wary of products and services that may not live up to expectations or be completely false. But as I've already explained, customers are not stupid since they are always correct, so how could they make incorrect decisions as a consumer? A customer that is always right will fully research a product before purchasing it and fully understand a service before using it.
Of course, I'm being too literal here, because the expression suggests something different altogether. By saying that the customer is always right, it can mean that what the customer wants should take priority in order to please them. A business will bend over backwards to make a customer happy in order to retain them as a customer. That's just another aspect of the expression that drives me crazy.
Businesses can't do everything a customer wants just because of some half-assed motto claiming that they know better. Customers, and people in general, are stupid and greedy. They will make poor decisions, buy crappy products, ignore policies, argue about everything, and demand the world. If companies give the hordes of fools whatever they wish, they'll go out of business.
Overall, I think a more suiting saying would be: "The customer is always loud."
First of all, if the customer is always right, why is there a need for customer service departments? What do they have questions about? If they are always correct, they should always know the answer. I mean, how could someone be right about everything and be an idiot? Those things don't match up.
And what about this expression: "Buyer Beware"
If customers are always right, then what do they have to be concerned about? I'm assuming since they are always right then their choices must be equally precise. Obviously the saying suggests that a person should be wary of products and services that may not live up to expectations or be completely false. But as I've already explained, customers are not stupid since they are always correct, so how could they make incorrect decisions as a consumer? A customer that is always right will fully research a product before purchasing it and fully understand a service before using it.
Of course, I'm being too literal here, because the expression suggests something different altogether. By saying that the customer is always right, it can mean that what the customer wants should take priority in order to please them. A business will bend over backwards to make a customer happy in order to retain them as a customer. That's just another aspect of the expression that drives me crazy.
Businesses can't do everything a customer wants just because of some half-assed motto claiming that they know better. Customers, and people in general, are stupid and greedy. They will make poor decisions, buy crappy products, ignore policies, argue about everything, and demand the world. If companies give the hordes of fools whatever they wish, they'll go out of business.
Overall, I think a more suiting saying would be: "The customer is always loud."
July 14, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #41 Luggage
Useless Trivia: In panel three Mitch is being hit in the face with a sock filled with quarters. I know many of you might assume they're arcade tokens, but actually it's just quarters.
July 11, 2008
Once Upon a Lie
Sometimes life gives you the opportunity to entertain and people pass it up completely. The world is full of interesting set-ups, but few people tend to capitalize on this. How can this be done, you ask?
By lying of course.
Okay, here's an example. A guy showed me his cellphone today and it was smashed nearly beyond recognition. I asked him what happened and this was his story:
"I was running across the parking lot and it fell out of my pocket."
What kind of story is that?! If you've got a demolished expensive device it's your duty to give a good story. Here's how I would have sweetened it up with some lies:
"Oh my phone? Man, that was hellish. Did you hear about that bus accident last week? No? It was in the paper and everything. Well I was up this tree near the edge of the woods right outside of town. You know right as you get on the highway? Anyway, I was up the tree collecting inchworms when this bus comes out of Goddamn nowhere.
That bus must have hit a pothole the size of wading pool cause this bitch comes flying off the road and nails the tree I'm in, snapping the friggin' thing in half, and I get flung out of there like a slingshot. Both my shoes whip off me and one of them killed a bird overhead.
Right, so I land on the top of this bus and I roll the whole length of the bus doing somersaults; I must've done 7 or 8 full rotations before going over the back end and landing in the grass. Luckily my cellphone was alright cause I had it in the inside pocket of my jacket.
Then this gypsy came out of the woods and kicked me in the chest. Right in the damn pocket. She was wearing steel toed boots that were 6 sizes too big and filled with sand; you know how gypsies are ... just to add weight to their kicks. Anyway, long story short my cellphone got busted up pretty bad."
Not only is that more entertaining, even if people know you're lying, they recognize the effort.
By lying of course.
Okay, here's an example. A guy showed me his cellphone today and it was smashed nearly beyond recognition. I asked him what happened and this was his story:
"I was running across the parking lot and it fell out of my pocket."
What kind of story is that?! If you've got a demolished expensive device it's your duty to give a good story. Here's how I would have sweetened it up with some lies:
"Oh my phone? Man, that was hellish. Did you hear about that bus accident last week? No? It was in the paper and everything. Well I was up this tree near the edge of the woods right outside of town. You know right as you get on the highway? Anyway, I was up the tree collecting inchworms when this bus comes out of Goddamn nowhere.
That bus must have hit a pothole the size of wading pool cause this bitch comes flying off the road and nails the tree I'm in, snapping the friggin' thing in half, and I get flung out of there like a slingshot. Both my shoes whip off me and one of them killed a bird overhead.
Right, so I land on the top of this bus and I roll the whole length of the bus doing somersaults; I must've done 7 or 8 full rotations before going over the back end and landing in the grass. Luckily my cellphone was alright cause I had it in the inside pocket of my jacket.
Then this gypsy came out of the woods and kicked me in the chest. Right in the damn pocket. She was wearing steel toed boots that were 6 sizes too big and filled with sand; you know how gypsies are ... just to add weight to their kicks. Anyway, long story short my cellphone got busted up pretty bad."
Not only is that more entertaining, even if people know you're lying, they recognize the effort.
July 6, 2008
Chomp: An Epic Adventure into One Man's Quest for Satisfaction
Sometimes when I'm at work and I begin to doodle, things get out of control...
June 24, 2008
A Bucket of Spam...well the Price is Right
Here are more things that bother me.
Hospital Wait Times
There is nothing good about waiting at the hospital. You're feeling like crap, the seats are uncomfortable, the reading material is boring, the atmosphere is depressing, and you're likely to catch something worse from the guy next to you coughing up fistfuls of phlegm who looks like he's been waiting so long that the hospital was built around him. I recently had to go to get a prescription and had to wait for more than three hours to have the doctor spend 60 seconds to diagnose and push me out the door. Three hours is a lot of lost recovery time, cause I certainly wasn't healing while sitting in that cloud of viruses while reading a readers digest encrusted with mucus. The worst part is, a few days later I had to return to get a note from the doctor for work purposes. This time around I was marked as "low priority" and it took me more than five hours to get that note. I should have told them I had swallowed a grenade, then I would have gotten in under two hours I'm sure.The Price of Eating Healthy
I'm sick of hearing people acting impressed or surprised when they see a celebrity trim down after having a child, or losing a lot of weight before or after a movie role. It's easy for celebrities ... they're rich! We all want to eat healthy, but each time I go to the grocery store it becomes abundantly clear why I don't eat as well as I'd like. We're supposed to have 5-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day but if you live in a family of three or more, you're looking at 30 servings a day, so prepare to go broke. Healthy food is expensive, in small quantities, and doesn't keep long, but unhealthy food is cheap, abundant, and will last until the end of time. You could buy organic vegetables and make a salad...or here's a loading pallet stacked of kraft dinner enough to feed you and your family for 6 months. Hell, you still have cash left over to buy some industrial tubs of mayonnaise, and a couple crates of hot dogs. No wonder we're all fat. If we were rich and could hire our own dietary advisors, personal trainers and chefs, and eat properly portioned fresh foods every meal. But since we're on a budget, it's more bologna and cheese whiz sandwiches.Batteries
Buying batteries for anything is a pain in the ass. They're expensive, don't last as long as you'd want, and the next time I buy AA's only to find that I needed AAA's, I'm going to head butt a glass cabinet. Plus, there are too many choices! You got alkaline, rechargeable , nickel-cadmium, nickel metal hydride, lithium-ion, zinc-carbon, silver-oxide, and about a dozen sizes and shapes. If you don't get it right then you're basically feeding your digital camera money. I'm sure companies have the technology to make long lasting universal batteries, but they don't because then they couldn't sell as much. Them and the light bulb people are in cahoots and I hate their guts.
June 19, 2008
Stay Tuned Kiddos!
I love listening to people in their 40-60's reminisce about television from when they were kids. They talk about how there were only two or three channels and that the stations shut down by about 9 o'clock at night. They had little TVs and little choice what to watch.
Here's what I imagine someone like myself will sound when they reach that age...
"Papa! Tell me about when you were a kid."
"Alright, but take off your virtua-helmet so you can hear me."
"Okay, I'm listening."
"Well when I was young, we didn't have it so easy like you kids today. Take the TV, for example. We only had about 70 channels to choose from, and we could only watch a few at a time with picture in picture."
"You mean you couldn't view all your favorite channels simultaneously as one streaming visual?"
"Ha! I wish. No, if we wanted to see what was on the other channels, we had to push the proper numbers on our remote controls to find it. Or if we couldn't remember the right number we had to just look at each channel one by one until we found it."
"Holy shit! One by one? That must have taken a minute!"
"Watch your language! But yes, it took a long time. And we only had a 52 inch high definition television that we had to share with the whole family."
"Didn't they have the wall-o-visions back then?"
"Not a chance! Our TV's were nowhere near the size of the ones you got today. The sure they were high definition, but we had to pay extra to the high def channels. It was rough. And the most we could watch in a day was 24 hours. We could only dream of something like Hypertime Television stations."
"That ... sucks."
"Indeed...now you run along, Billy. Go play your games and watch out for the WereLizards"
"Sure, Pops."
Yeah, that's what he future will be like. It's gonna be weird. Especially with all those WereLizards running around.
Here's what I imagine someone like myself will sound when they reach that age...
"Papa! Tell me about when you were a kid."
"Alright, but take off your virtua-helmet so you can hear me."
"Okay, I'm listening."
"Well when I was young, we didn't have it so easy like you kids today. Take the TV, for example. We only had about 70 channels to choose from, and we could only watch a few at a time with picture in picture."
"You mean you couldn't view all your favorite channels simultaneously as one streaming visual?"
"Ha! I wish. No, if we wanted to see what was on the other channels, we had to push the proper numbers on our remote controls to find it. Or if we couldn't remember the right number we had to just look at each channel one by one until we found it."
"Holy shit! One by one? That must have taken a minute!"
"Watch your language! But yes, it took a long time. And we only had a 52 inch high definition television that we had to share with the whole family."
"Didn't they have the wall-o-visions back then?"
"Not a chance! Our TV's were nowhere near the size of the ones you got today. The sure they were high definition, but we had to pay extra to the high def channels. It was rough. And the most we could watch in a day was 24 hours. We could only dream of something like Hypertime Television stations."
"That ... sucks."
"Indeed...now you run along, Billy. Go play your games and watch out for the WereLizards"
"Sure, Pops."
Yeah, that's what he future will be like. It's gonna be weird. Especially with all those WereLizards running around.
June 13, 2008
June 11, 2008
Gas and Grass
Oh man, the grass grows fast. Summer has exploded onto the scene and the trees and grass are unleashing a tidal wave of green. At this time of year that we must play the mowing game and struggle to keep up.
With the amount of land at my family's home, and the limited equipment to cut it (one lawnmower) the task is now comparable to fighting zombies. It's a losing battle.
And speaking of losing battles, have you seen the price of gas? Of course you have. These days you could spend $50 to top off a full tank. You go to get gas and you think the decimal point is in the wrong spot ... but it isn't!
People are saying that we need to develop alternative fuels to end our dependency on oil, and I agree. It would be great to power our cars with corn, water, or baby penguins, but what about developing new forms of transportation? I say we should focus on portals or matter transporters. You know? Like in the movie "The Fly".
No, wait! I recall something unfortunate happening involving some kind of insect. Maybe a wasp. But I think there is still some hope in the portal idea. Sure it would put airlines out of business, but think of how much money they'd make if they converted to Portal Stations. I'm sure there would still be line-ups like crazy, and just think of the hassle of going through security and immigration when you can travel across the world the blink of an eye. On second thought, I'd just rather stay home.
Gives me more time to curse at the grass.
With the amount of land at my family's home, and the limited equipment to cut it (one lawnmower) the task is now comparable to fighting zombies. It's a losing battle.
And speaking of losing battles, have you seen the price of gas? Of course you have. These days you could spend $50 to top off a full tank. You go to get gas and you think the decimal point is in the wrong spot ... but it isn't!
People are saying that we need to develop alternative fuels to end our dependency on oil, and I agree. It would be great to power our cars with corn, water, or baby penguins, but what about developing new forms of transportation? I say we should focus on portals or matter transporters. You know? Like in the movie "The Fly".
No, wait! I recall something unfortunate happening involving some kind of insect. Maybe a wasp. But I think there is still some hope in the portal idea. Sure it would put airlines out of business, but think of how much money they'd make if they converted to Portal Stations. I'm sure there would still be line-ups like crazy, and just think of the hassle of going through security and immigration when you can travel across the world the blink of an eye. On second thought, I'd just rather stay home.
Gives me more time to curse at the grass.
May 27, 2008
Attack of the Jones
Much to my delight I was able to see the new Indiana Jones movie on the weekend. I was so pumped about witnessing a new adventure that I brought my own whip and lashed a few people on the way in. Don't worry, they were cool about it.
The movie was excited as a whole and certainly an above average action flick but I was disappointed by the use of CGI throughout. I remember reading long ago the Spielberg was going to make this new film with the same sort of "hands on" stunt work and special effects that made the original trilogy so great. But he totally lied.
The CGI is not overused, but it's definitely used throughout. The opening shot of the film is that of a computer generated prairie dog. A prairie dog? C'mon, that's just lazy! I know prairie dogs aren't extinct, it's not like the movie involved one moonwalking in a cape. That sort of thing pisses me off, and it was probably George Lucas' influence.
George Lucas must be in love with computer created special effects. His prequel trilogy of Star Wars films are disappointing on an huge scale. The creatures, vehicles, environments, characters, and props are almost entirely from a computer. It was relied on too much and weakened the spirit of the story. How can actors convey something serious and compelling when they're moving blindly around a green screen set for 80% of filming.
CG should be used to make the impossible seem real. Not as a way to duplicate reality. So if you're making a movie with a dragon, turn to a computer. If you're making a movie with a gopher, check the backyard.
The movie was excited as a whole and certainly an above average action flick but I was disappointed by the use of CGI throughout. I remember reading long ago the Spielberg was going to make this new film with the same sort of "hands on" stunt work and special effects that made the original trilogy so great. But he totally lied.
The CGI is not overused, but it's definitely used throughout. The opening shot of the film is that of a computer generated prairie dog. A prairie dog? C'mon, that's just lazy! I know prairie dogs aren't extinct, it's not like the movie involved one moonwalking in a cape. That sort of thing pisses me off, and it was probably George Lucas' influence.
George Lucas must be in love with computer created special effects. His prequel trilogy of Star Wars films are disappointing on an huge scale. The creatures, vehicles, environments, characters, and props are almost entirely from a computer. It was relied on too much and weakened the spirit of the story. How can actors convey something serious and compelling when they're moving blindly around a green screen set for 80% of filming.
CG should be used to make the impossible seem real. Not as a way to duplicate reality. So if you're making a movie with a dragon, turn to a computer. If you're making a movie with a gopher, check the backyard.
May 21, 2008
May 13, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #40 Spicy
Every now and then I think fondly of the food I used to enjoy in Korea. Food so spicy that it would pin you to the ground and force you to say uncle before it would release you. After two years of facing the fiery gauntlet of those meals, I must say that western spicy food just doesn't live up.
Sometimes I get a hankering for food that will set my mouth ablaze.
Sometimes I get a hankering for food that will set my mouth ablaze.
May 9, 2008
A Course of a Different Colour
Here are three more things to add to the list of things that suck big time.
Wrong Coloured Foods
You know what I'm talking about. Remember when they sold that nasty looking green ketchup. They even had purple ketchup for a while. It tasted fine, but it screwed with your senses. You're trying to enjoy your fries and it looks like you're dabbing them in dollops of shiny acrylic paint. Clear coloured Coke was way back, but it still bothers me to this day. All these food inventions just scream "chemicals" and "dyes", which I'm going to guess is bad. I recall seeing Doritos that would turn blue when they mixed with your saliva. That's perfect for people who enjoy digging food out of their mouth to look at it.The Rocket Fishing Rod
If you've never seen this, take a look at it here. Apparently the only way to make fishing -Nay! - any activity cool to a child is to shoot it out of a gun. This plastic shotgun shaped toy is actually a working fishing rod that blasts your hook and line out into the water. You thought kids are overweight now? What does the future hold in store for kids too lazy to perform the simple actions of a sport that even the morbidly obese can excel at?Ladybugs
These insects will be put on the list until they can prove themselves worthy. In the last couple of weeks these bugs have been popping up in my room and I can't locate the source. I don't know if you've seen an infestation of ladybugs before, but it's adorable and aggravating. How can you even locate the source of these things? Have you ever seen a ladybug hive, or a ladybug nest? Of course not, because they're disguised as cute things like jewelry boxes, rag dolls, and cupcakes. So if you ever come home and find a puppy wearing a tiara, you'd better act quick because it's probably housing a ladybug colony of biblical proportions.
April 20, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #39 Afraid
Hope y'all had a good weekend. You didn't get into trouble now, did you? You know you had me and your mother worried sick last night and we waited up until two in the morning for you to come home, and you never did. You think you have the right to hurt us like that? Look! You're mother's crying now. See what you've done?
But enough of that... here's another comic. The idea for the movie mentioned in the comic came randomly out of my brain when I woke up one morning. It's like I didn't even have to think it up. I awoke, sat up, and a pile of random was dropped into my lap. Thanks, Stupidity Fairy.
But enough of that... here's another comic. The idea for the movie mentioned in the comic came randomly out of my brain when I woke up one morning. It's like I didn't even have to think it up. I awoke, sat up, and a pile of random was dropped into my lap. Thanks, Stupidity Fairy.
April 18, 2008
I Thieve, You Thieve, We all Thieve When Music's Free
Today Good Doctor helps us understand the importance of music copyright law and of course reasoning one's way out of guilt for sidestepping those laws.
April 11, 2008
Kicked out of Candyland
You know what sucks? Well, lots of things, but here are three:
Licorice
Yes, someone had to say it and I said it. This flavour has no place in our world. The only people who like licorice are over forty and have fond memories of going to the local grocery and buying a half pound bag of licorice pipes for 3 cents. Anything that looks and tastes like it should be shoe polish is not good candy.The Choking Game
I'm can't believe I keep hearing on the news that a bunch of kids were rushed to a hospital because they tried to suffocate themselves. How stupid do you have to be? I don't know if nearly killing yourself gets you high, but what happened to the simpler days of stealing your parents alcohol or sniffing model airplane glue? If something like strangulation can be a craze, I think the next big thing sweeping the schools will be 'The Big Dip'. All you have to do is lie face down in a wading pool while two of your friends stand on your back. Nothing says, "I'm cool" like drowning or almost drowning.Oral B Commercials
Not since the Fruit Roll-Up commercials have we seen such fantastical laboratory work like this. I don't mean to point the finger right at Oral B, because other toothbrush advertisers are guilty of the same stuff, but it's just ridiculous. Toothbrushes are not complicated tools, and I'm certain they are not designed in pristine white labs filled with glowing control panels and giant holograms. Last time I checked a toothbrush has no moving parts, isn't capable of breaking the sound barrier, and doesn't require a medical degree to operate. So let's stop tricking ourselves into thinking that dental care is constantly breaking new ground with science and engineering by having bristles that lean in different directions.
April 6, 2008
The Plumber Dynasty
As an avid gamer I was worried about a bit of gaming news I heard recently. For the Xbox 360 a first person shooter called Battlefield: Bad Company will be making a handful of weapons in the game only available by paying extra. While I have no intention of playing this game one way or the other, it's still pretty lame. It's like game developers are testing the waters on what they can get away charging for. It would be like buying a Mario Bros game at full retail price, but having to fork out an additional ten bucks to unlock fire flowers.
And speaking of Mario, where is that franchise going to go? I mean...name wise. First off it was Super Mario Bros. and it was about two plumbers. Then Super Mario Land... they expanded and from there it became Super Mario World. Not just the land anymore, they decided to reach out and take the whole world. Later on down the road we have Super Mario Sunshine where the franchise claimed light itself. Now that the franchise has conquered the world, it's lands, and the sun, we have Super Mario Galaxy. Where can they possibly go from there?
I know you're thinking, "Super Mario Universe of course", and sure that makes sense, but then what? You think Mario will pack up his red overalls and retire? No! Nintendo will just have to continue to find ways the games can encompass more and more. Soon we might see Super Mario Matter, Super Mario Everything, and Super Mario Forever.
In my opinion I want to see the franchise back it up and find simpler themes and names. My personal favorite being Super Mario Spaghetti. Not only it is fun and humorous to say, it stays true to the character and it grabs one's attention. They should just re release Mario 64, call it Super Spaghetti Time Mario, but leave the game completely the same as its original version. Just include new box art and have every game come with a collectors Mario plate and coupons for free spaghetti noodles and sauce. And have the game encourage you to eat and play at the same time for maximum enjoyment.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm hungry and bored.
And speaking of Mario, where is that franchise going to go? I mean...name wise. First off it was Super Mario Bros. and it was about two plumbers. Then Super Mario Land... they expanded and from there it became Super Mario World. Not just the land anymore, they decided to reach out and take the whole world. Later on down the road we have Super Mario Sunshine where the franchise claimed light itself. Now that the franchise has conquered the world, it's lands, and the sun, we have Super Mario Galaxy. Where can they possibly go from there?
I know you're thinking, "Super Mario Universe of course", and sure that makes sense, but then what? You think Mario will pack up his red overalls and retire? No! Nintendo will just have to continue to find ways the games can encompass more and more. Soon we might see Super Mario Matter, Super Mario Everything, and Super Mario Forever.
In my opinion I want to see the franchise back it up and find simpler themes and names. My personal favorite being Super Mario Spaghetti. Not only it is fun and humorous to say, it stays true to the character and it grabs one's attention. They should just re release Mario 64, call it Super Spaghetti Time Mario, but leave the game completely the same as its original version. Just include new box art and have every game come with a collectors Mario plate and coupons for free spaghetti noodles and sauce. And have the game encourage you to eat and play at the same time for maximum enjoyment.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm hungry and bored.
April 3, 2008
Leave Your Liver Alone
Today the Doctor will be tackling one of society's greatest addictions. No, I'm not talking about dog sled racing, however thrilling it may be.
No, I'm speaking of alcoholism. Also known as the "Soggy Mistress" or "Sweet Nectar Relief", this addiction is swallowing up everyone who succumbs to its offerings of "deliciousness" and "fun". It's always the same scenario: You top off another glass, then bottoms up. And soon everyone has their top's off and she's got her bottom up.
Anyway, put down the jello shooter and make way for education.
No, I'm speaking of alcoholism. Also known as the "Soggy Mistress" or "Sweet Nectar Relief", this addiction is swallowing up everyone who succumbs to its offerings of "deliciousness" and "fun". It's always the same scenario: You top off another glass, then bottoms up. And soon everyone has their top's off and she's got her bottom up.
Anyway, put down the jello shooter and make way for education.
March 28, 2008
Birds of a Feather, Freeze Together
Man, I'm tired of this whole weather thing. Why can't it just pick something and go with it?
With my job I alternate between days off and days I work, and lately it seems like mother nature is out to get me. If I'm off for the day it's all freezing rain and icy wind. The next day when I'm stuck indoors working the sun is out and families are having picnics. Day after that, I'm stuck indoors because of a snow storm. I'm sick and tired of this.
I don't know if it's global warming, but weather is totally spasming. It's supposed to be spring and one day I'm watching a flock of geese fly one direction overhead, fighting the wind and honking miserably. Then a day later I see another flock heading the complete opposite direction. They obviously have no idea what the hell to do, and we're talking about the noble and wise Canadian Goose. I even saw a goose so fed up he dive bombed down a chimney into a roaring fireplace just to end his misery.
Okay, that didn't happen, but you could tell he was thinking it.
With my job I alternate between days off and days I work, and lately it seems like mother nature is out to get me. If I'm off for the day it's all freezing rain and icy wind. The next day when I'm stuck indoors working the sun is out and families are having picnics. Day after that, I'm stuck indoors because of a snow storm. I'm sick and tired of this.
I don't know if it's global warming, but weather is totally spasming. It's supposed to be spring and one day I'm watching a flock of geese fly one direction overhead, fighting the wind and honking miserably. Then a day later I see another flock heading the complete opposite direction. They obviously have no idea what the hell to do, and we're talking about the noble and wise Canadian Goose. I even saw a goose so fed up he dive bombed down a chimney into a roaring fireplace just to end his misery.
Okay, that didn't happen, but you could tell he was thinking it.
March 21, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #38 Easter
This weekend, be sure not to overdose on cream filled eggs and marshmallow peeps. While snacking sensibly enjoy this Easter comic that has nothing to do with Jesus. Actually, when I think about it, Easter itself doesn't have a lot to do with Jesus. No offense to anyone, but have you been in any stores lately? Everything sold in connection with this solemn religious day is cute and candy filled.
March 12, 2008
The Now Stew....Later
Just so you know, we're all doomed. To support my case, I present McCain's Slow Cooker Solutions. If you haven't seen the commercials, it's essentially a product that makes using a slow cooker even easier. Here's what Norm Purdy (McCain Foods Director of Marketing) had to say:
"Gone are the days when Moms, or Dads, could afford to spend hours preparing a wholesome, sit-down family dinner, so we've done it for them. They just had to take the tub out of the freezer in the morning, open the packaging, pour contents into a slow cooker, add water, and cook on low. When they come home from work, dinner is ready."
Okay, to start...I don't think we should be calling anything that was dumped frozen out of a tub, wholesome. That's just great, the food abominations are running wild in this society, and now we're introducing a big old bucket of meat and stuff.
And why is it that Moms and Dads had no time to prepare meals anymore? As I'm aware every technological advance and invention since the beginning of time has helped to make life easier and to save time, yet it's 2008 and nobody has time to cook.
Also, slow cookers are the simplest cooking tool ever. Where's all the guesswork? Why do we need solutions for our slow cookers? Were there teams of people poisoning or burning themselves and loved ones while trying to master the art of filling a pot with ingredients and leaving it for the day?
This new product is basically trying to take the "slow" out of slow cooking. Who is in such a Goddamn hurry that they need to prepare something in seconds that they won't eat for ten hours or so? Is the whole day not enough time for a person to make one flipping meal?!
Don't worry Mr and Mrs Busy Consumer, we know you're both too busy to put any attention in the food you serve your family, so why not simmer up a tub of anonymous bits. That way you have more time to use your high speed Internet to do instant banking, or go out and use speed pay to buy more electric staplers and motorized hammocks.
Just picture fifty years down the road when people are calling up their parents:
"Hey Ma? Just thought I'd give you a ring, had a quick question for you. I wanted to make some of that Delicious Beef Stew you used to make, but I couldn't remember the recipe. What was it again? Don't worry I got a pen ready. Open....package. Uh-huh. Add....water. That's it? Oh man....water? I'm gonna have to go look for a cup. What's that? Yeah I know it's gonna take all day, but sometimes you crave that old fashioned taste, you know? We'll thanks a bunch, love you, ma. Bye."
"Gone are the days when Moms, or Dads, could afford to spend hours preparing a wholesome, sit-down family dinner, so we've done it for them. They just had to take the tub out of the freezer in the morning, open the packaging, pour contents into a slow cooker, add water, and cook on low. When they come home from work, dinner is ready."
Okay, to start...I don't think we should be calling anything that was dumped frozen out of a tub, wholesome. That's just great, the food abominations are running wild in this society, and now we're introducing a big old bucket of meat and stuff.
And why is it that Moms and Dads had no time to prepare meals anymore? As I'm aware every technological advance and invention since the beginning of time has helped to make life easier and to save time, yet it's 2008 and nobody has time to cook.
Also, slow cookers are the simplest cooking tool ever. Where's all the guesswork? Why do we need solutions for our slow cookers? Were there teams of people poisoning or burning themselves and loved ones while trying to master the art of filling a pot with ingredients and leaving it for the day?
This new product is basically trying to take the "slow" out of slow cooking. Who is in such a Goddamn hurry that they need to prepare something in seconds that they won't eat for ten hours or so? Is the whole day not enough time for a person to make one flipping meal?!
Don't worry Mr and Mrs Busy Consumer, we know you're both too busy to put any attention in the food you serve your family, so why not simmer up a tub of anonymous bits. That way you have more time to use your high speed Internet to do instant banking, or go out and use speed pay to buy more electric staplers and motorized hammocks.
Just picture fifty years down the road when people are calling up their parents:
"Hey Ma? Just thought I'd give you a ring, had a quick question for you. I wanted to make some of that Delicious Beef Stew you used to make, but I couldn't remember the recipe. What was it again? Don't worry I got a pen ready. Open....package. Uh-huh. Add....water. That's it? Oh man....water? I'm gonna have to go look for a cup. What's that? Yeah I know it's gonna take all day, but sometimes you crave that old fashioned taste, you know? We'll thanks a bunch, love you, ma. Bye."
March 9, 2008
A Crock of Clock
I'm tired today. Probably because we lost an hour last night. Thank you, daylight saving time.
What a bunch of crap that is. This whole Daylight Saving stuff is one big conspiracy. It's just another way for the man to control us. Keep us confused and distracted while Uncle Sam dips into our pockets and takes his share.
In all honesty, who is benefiting from this system? People who like to be late or early for work twice a year? Or people who love to spend an afternoon resetting all the clocks in their home. It's not even like this is a universally accepted practice; about half the world doesn't use it at all. Obviously it can't be such a good idea. Even we as a country can't decide: Manitoba observes daylight savings, but Saskatchewan doesn't.
And it's always throwing people off when they have to figure out which way the clocks will be adjusted:
Are we moving them forward or back?
What season is this? Was it fall back or fall forward? Spring back? Spring up and Fall down?
Wait, do we do this now, or tomorrow morning when we get up?
I thought it changes at midnight?
No, I heard it was two o'clock. Does it matter?
It does to me, I work the night shift. Maybe I was supposed to be there an hour ago.
What season is this? Does it say on the calendar?
What? You mean about the season, or the daylight savings time?
Uh... It says it begins today.
So do we begin by moving the time forward or back?
I don't know. It doesn't say! All it says is it begins!
Well, should we change it at midnight at the beginning of the day or at midnight at the end of the day?
I told you I think we don't change it until two o'clock!
AM or PM?
I want a divorce!
I think the best system to use, is no system at all. It's real easy to follow and you can use this simple trick to remember. First figure out what season it is, then look at a clock. That's the Goddamn time. Now move on with your life. Don't even get me started about leap year.
What a bunch of crap that is. This whole Daylight Saving stuff is one big conspiracy. It's just another way for the man to control us. Keep us confused and distracted while Uncle Sam dips into our pockets and takes his share.
In all honesty, who is benefiting from this system? People who like to be late or early for work twice a year? Or people who love to spend an afternoon resetting all the clocks in their home. It's not even like this is a universally accepted practice; about half the world doesn't use it at all. Obviously it can't be such a good idea. Even we as a country can't decide: Manitoba observes daylight savings, but Saskatchewan doesn't.
And it's always throwing people off when they have to figure out which way the clocks will be adjusted:
Are we moving them forward or back?
What season is this? Was it fall back or fall forward? Spring back? Spring up and Fall down?
Wait, do we do this now, or tomorrow morning when we get up?
I thought it changes at midnight?
No, I heard it was two o'clock. Does it matter?
It does to me, I work the night shift. Maybe I was supposed to be there an hour ago.
What season is this? Does it say on the calendar?
What? You mean about the season, or the daylight savings time?
Uh... It says it begins today.
So do we begin by moving the time forward or back?
I don't know. It doesn't say! All it says is it begins!
Well, should we change it at midnight at the beginning of the day or at midnight at the end of the day?
I told you I think we don't change it until two o'clock!
AM or PM?
I want a divorce!
I think the best system to use, is no system at all. It's real easy to follow and you can use this simple trick to remember. First figure out what season it is, then look at a clock. That's the Goddamn time. Now move on with your life. Don't even get me started about leap year.
March 2, 2008
Rebooting the Hilroy
Over the holidays I was given a Blackberry as a gift, which is cool. Not a "Hey, I just used GPS to track down my estranged father" type, but an older model that I figured I could use as an organizer. Make a few notes, keep phone numbers and addresses, that sort of thing.
Whenever I added information to my Blackberry, I always made a point of adding the same information to a notebook where I keep those sort of things. When I was doing that I had to ask myself, is this necessary? The answer is yes: because I don't trust modern technology.
Now I'm not saying that I don't like or enjoy all the fun and exciting gizmos available. Most times I love them. I just find that I can't rely on them. I'm always filled with the sense of this is too good to be true. It wasn't long ago that I would wait weeks upon weeks to get a music cassette and listen to it. Now on a whim I can acquire any song I desire in a matter of minutes and then throw it on a portable device or burn it and be listening to it wherever I want at no cost. I've talked about how fragile technology is with Ipods and computers, and the Blackberry is just another example.
I don't know when or how or why, but the thing might just stop working, or it might break, or the information might simply disappear. MP3 players, CD players, computers, Thumb drives, gaming consoles, printers, DVD players, cellphones, digital cameras, the list goes on. All these things have looked me in the eye one day, said "You know what - I quit", and stopped working. They never have the decency of showing some visible explanation for breaking- like a having an axe wound or being on fire.
I store addresses in my Blackberry, but that doesn't mean they'll be there tomorrow. So I write it down in a notebook. I've never flipped through my notebook after dropping it to find all the pages erased. I've never had to rip half the pages out of a notebook because it was infected with a virus. I've never had to buy batteries for a notebook and then yell at it because it used them up so goddamn fast. I've never had to replace the cover on a notebook because I hadn't used it a few months at it wouldn't open. And I've never had to buy a new notebook because it wasn't compatible with the ink I was using.
It seems (at least in some ways) technology hasn't matched that of paper held together with a metal coil. Are you as worried as I am?
Whenever I added information to my Blackberry, I always made a point of adding the same information to a notebook where I keep those sort of things. When I was doing that I had to ask myself, is this necessary? The answer is yes: because I don't trust modern technology.
Now I'm not saying that I don't like or enjoy all the fun and exciting gizmos available. Most times I love them. I just find that I can't rely on them. I'm always filled with the sense of this is too good to be true. It wasn't long ago that I would wait weeks upon weeks to get a music cassette and listen to it. Now on a whim I can acquire any song I desire in a matter of minutes and then throw it on a portable device or burn it and be listening to it wherever I want at no cost. I've talked about how fragile technology is with Ipods and computers, and the Blackberry is just another example.
I don't know when or how or why, but the thing might just stop working, or it might break, or the information might simply disappear. MP3 players, CD players, computers, Thumb drives, gaming consoles, printers, DVD players, cellphones, digital cameras, the list goes on. All these things have looked me in the eye one day, said "You know what - I quit", and stopped working. They never have the decency of showing some visible explanation for breaking- like a having an axe wound or being on fire.
I store addresses in my Blackberry, but that doesn't mean they'll be there tomorrow. So I write it down in a notebook. I've never flipped through my notebook after dropping it to find all the pages erased. I've never had to rip half the pages out of a notebook because it was infected with a virus. I've never had to buy batteries for a notebook and then yell at it because it used them up so goddamn fast. I've never had to replace the cover on a notebook because I hadn't used it a few months at it wouldn't open. And I've never had to buy a new notebook because it wasn't compatible with the ink I was using.
It seems (at least in some ways) technology hasn't matched that of paper held together with a metal coil. Are you as worried as I am?
February 24, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #37 Penny
Hope y'all had a fine weekend, full of good times and laughter and police intervention. But as we turn to face another week of work and *sigh* responsibility, I give you another installment of Mitch and Roland where the consumption of inappropriate things is the theme.
February 22, 2008
The People Vs. Reason.
I heard about a couple who were dining at a restaurant and got into a heated argument. It resulted in the woman throwing a drink at her boyfriend, slipping on the spill, and suing the restaurant. And somehow, in the end, she won a huge cash settlement.
Obviously any sane thinking person can see that logic was bypassed in this situation. The sad part is that it's true. I hardly see how the restaurant could be responsible for what happened. The woman spilled the drink herself; the fact that she was at a restaurant is irrelevant. She purchased the drink, so therefore she was injured by her own property. If an employee had poured her drink on the floor and then shoved her to the ground....well then you have a lawsuit.
I mean honestly, what every happened to being responsible for your own actions? The woman caused a scene, made a mess, and acted irrationally in a public setting. As I can see, the manager should have kicked her out of his establishment, but somehow he ended up having to pay her. This woman deserved a bruised ass and not a penny more.
This sort of thing is happening far too often. Let's look at this hypothetical situation. Let's say a burglar broke into your home to steal from you. Now let's say that you have a dog, and that dog attacked the intruder and bit him. That thieving person could now technically sue you. The purpose of going to court is to find justice. If a dog attacks a burglar, that's an example of justice, but in our society it's twisted into an unjust act.
If someone deliberately breaks into my home to do harm to myself or family, and then ends up getting hurt, how is that my fault? If that'll happen I might as well kill the bastard. If I stab the intruder and slip and fall in his blood, can I sue his family? Can I be compensated for missed work if I hurt my back carrying his body to a river?
It's an extreme scenario, but it fits in perfectly with the "logic" of these cases. So if you hear a commotion in the night and you go downstairs to find a criminal with a broken leg, having tripped over your coffee table in the dark, and he shouts "I'm gonna sue!", well you just calmly pick up a baseball bat and say:
"Sue? SUE!? I'll give you something to sue about!!"
Also, as a bonus, you might take a mean splinter off the bat and be able to sue baseball.
Obviously any sane thinking person can see that logic was bypassed in this situation. The sad part is that it's true. I hardly see how the restaurant could be responsible for what happened. The woman spilled the drink herself; the fact that she was at a restaurant is irrelevant. She purchased the drink, so therefore she was injured by her own property. If an employee had poured her drink on the floor and then shoved her to the ground....well then you have a lawsuit.
I mean honestly, what every happened to being responsible for your own actions? The woman caused a scene, made a mess, and acted irrationally in a public setting. As I can see, the manager should have kicked her out of his establishment, but somehow he ended up having to pay her. This woman deserved a bruised ass and not a penny more.
This sort of thing is happening far too often. Let's look at this hypothetical situation. Let's say a burglar broke into your home to steal from you. Now let's say that you have a dog, and that dog attacked the intruder and bit him. That thieving person could now technically sue you. The purpose of going to court is to find justice. If a dog attacks a burglar, that's an example of justice, but in our society it's twisted into an unjust act.
If someone deliberately breaks into my home to do harm to myself or family, and then ends up getting hurt, how is that my fault? If that'll happen I might as well kill the bastard. If I stab the intruder and slip and fall in his blood, can I sue his family? Can I be compensated for missed work if I hurt my back carrying his body to a river?
It's an extreme scenario, but it fits in perfectly with the "logic" of these cases. So if you hear a commotion in the night and you go downstairs to find a criminal with a broken leg, having tripped over your coffee table in the dark, and he shouts "I'm gonna sue!", well you just calmly pick up a baseball bat and say:
"Sue? SUE!? I'll give you something to sue about!!"
Also, as a bonus, you might take a mean splinter off the bat and be able to sue baseball.
February 20, 2008
Jump Around
I'm here now to introduce a new feature of the blog that is powered by my love for movies. I call it "Movie Math". To give a quick rundown of the rules, we shall measure each movie on a scale of 0-100 points, but begin with 50 points to keep all films on a level playing field, adding and subtracting from there based on its merits or lameness. So come with me, won't you, as we sum up the value of various films. Today we tackle Jumper.
The hero of the film is played by Hayden Christensen, a person that seems to live in a charisma vacuum and is devoid of any, if not all, personality.....- 5 points.
Samuel L. Jackson plays the villian.....+ 7 points
Jumping sequences are edited deliberately to make the action disorienting.....- 12 points.
A double decker bus was used as a projectile..... + 5 points.
The song "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters was not used..... - 6 points.
The movie will almost certainly have a sequel, and it might be called something ridiculous like "Jumper: The Jumpening" or "Jump Harder"..... - 8 points.
The protagonist, instead of doing heroic things, mostly acts like a lazy douchebag..... - 10 points.
Did I mention that Samuel L. Jackson uses an electric grappling spear thing?..... + 11 points.
Equals.....32/100
The hero of the film is played by Hayden Christensen, a person that seems to live in a charisma vacuum and is devoid of any, if not all, personality.....- 5 points.
Samuel L. Jackson plays the villian.....+ 7 points
Jumping sequences are edited deliberately to make the action disorienting.....- 12 points.
A double decker bus was used as a projectile..... + 5 points.
The song "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters was not used..... - 6 points.
The movie will almost certainly have a sequel, and it might be called something ridiculous like "Jumper: The Jumpening" or "Jump Harder"..... - 8 points.
The protagonist, instead of doing heroic things, mostly acts like a lazy douchebag..... - 10 points.
Did I mention that Samuel L. Jackson uses an electric grappling spear thing?..... + 11 points.
Equals.....32/100
February 17, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #36 Date
Although it's several days late, I suppose this comic was inspired by Valentine's Day. Love is in the air, and who know what it might bring out in people...
Ready to Stumble
(The following was inspired by a sign I read on the wall in the hospital)
Do you find yourself filled with fear that the ground may come rushing towards you at any moment?
Are you filled with constant dread that you may lose your footing while carrying an armful of florescent bulbs?
You are not alone.
Everyday thousands upon dozens of people are falling without warning and without regulation sized helmets. Many people assume it will never happen to them, but did you know that someone falls and breaks a hip in North America every eleven days? How can I prevent this from happening to me, you ask? It's as simple as recognizing the warning signs:
Are you at risk???
-Do you walk for more than 40 seconds a day?
-Are you wearing two pieces of footwear that don't match?
-Are you drunk?
-Do you use water and other slippery fluids while showering?
-Are your shoelaces tied together, or not tied at all?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you are in the top ten percent of high risk fallers ( the low percentages being wheelchair bound and/or midgets). To avoid becoming another gruesome statistic, one should follow these simple guidelines:
-Never break your gaze from the ground while walking.
-If the traveling distance is short, crawl or shimmy to your destination.
-Replace all stairs in your home with slides.
-Wear three more layers of clothing than necessary to pad yourself. Or become obese.
-Use the buddy system! Get to where you're going while clutching to a friend for support.
Sadly, even the most prepared individual is still likely to fall from time to time. When about to fall it's best to aim for the nearest soft surface to minimize wounds, such as a pile of leaves, a bed, or a baby lamb. When it happens and you find yourself sprawled out on the pavement, be sure to follow this procedure to reduce injury and recover quickly.
1) Jerk your head left and right in quick snapping motions. If it feels like bones are broken, don't do that anymore.
2) Scream for help and claw desperately at the legs of any passerby.
3) Once the bleeding slows turn over onto your stomach and carefully raise up until you are on your hands and knees.
4) Crawl to an object that you may use use for standing support, such as a chair, a medium sized dog, or a rickshaw.
5) Once you are able to stand erect, survey the area and find the safest route to a hospital.
In this treacherous world of uneven surfaces and buttered socks, we must try to live with the fierce forces of gravity and recognize the inherent risk of walking from point A to B. We can reduce that risk with the simple choices we make everyday; whether it be going around the icy sidewalk, or not grasping at the glass cabinet when losing one's footing on a newly waxed floor.
Do you find yourself filled with fear that the ground may come rushing towards you at any moment?
Are you filled with constant dread that you may lose your footing while carrying an armful of florescent bulbs?
You are not alone.
Everyday thousands upon dozens of people are falling without warning and without regulation sized helmets. Many people assume it will never happen to them, but did you know that someone falls and breaks a hip in North America every eleven days? How can I prevent this from happening to me, you ask? It's as simple as recognizing the warning signs:
Are you at risk???
-Do you walk for more than 40 seconds a day?
-Are you wearing two pieces of footwear that don't match?
-Are you drunk?
-Do you use water and other slippery fluids while showering?
-Are your shoelaces tied together, or not tied at all?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you are in the top ten percent of high risk fallers ( the low percentages being wheelchair bound and/or midgets). To avoid becoming another gruesome statistic, one should follow these simple guidelines:
-Never break your gaze from the ground while walking.
-If the traveling distance is short, crawl or shimmy to your destination.
-Replace all stairs in your home with slides.
-Wear three more layers of clothing than necessary to pad yourself. Or become obese.
-Use the buddy system! Get to where you're going while clutching to a friend for support.
Sadly, even the most prepared individual is still likely to fall from time to time. When about to fall it's best to aim for the nearest soft surface to minimize wounds, such as a pile of leaves, a bed, or a baby lamb. When it happens and you find yourself sprawled out on the pavement, be sure to follow this procedure to reduce injury and recover quickly.
1) Jerk your head left and right in quick snapping motions. If it feels like bones are broken, don't do that anymore.
2) Scream for help and claw desperately at the legs of any passerby.
3) Once the bleeding slows turn over onto your stomach and carefully raise up until you are on your hands and knees.
4) Crawl to an object that you may use use for standing support, such as a chair, a medium sized dog, or a rickshaw.
5) Once you are able to stand erect, survey the area and find the safest route to a hospital.
In this treacherous world of uneven surfaces and buttered socks, we must try to live with the fierce forces of gravity and recognize the inherent risk of walking from point A to B. We can reduce that risk with the simple choices we make everyday; whether it be going around the icy sidewalk, or not grasping at the glass cabinet when losing one's footing on a newly waxed floor.
February 8, 2008
Stimulation Nation
Since returning from Korea I've noticed a jump in the popularity of energy drinks; a rise that must be something like 1300%. I recall trying a Redbull drink in its wee battery shaped can and thinking, "I don't get it". But now there are about two dozen brands being sold all over the place in containers the size of my thigh.
These drinks are being advertised to people "on the go", but we can all agree that the marketing of products for such people is utterly asinine (eg. Go-Gurt ). Adolescent boys are the ones drinking this stuff, but they don't need energy, and they aren't going anywhere. These are the last sort of jerk-offs you'd want to see all buzzed up. You thought ADD was common before? You ain't seen nothin'!
I'm writing this now as a concerned member of society with friends already caught in the mighty grip of energy drinks. I now present a breakdown of the warning signs that someone you know might be chugging a bit too much energy:
- They always appear to be blurry.
- They no longer drive to work, but instead choose to run.
- While speaking to them you always have to shout over the squeak and groan of their clenched teeth.
- They've sold their bed for a crate of pogo sticks.
- They're hooked up to an intravenous drip of Bawls.
- They return home from school with a dead rabbit in their mouth.
- They go missing for weeks at a time, sometimes returning covered in snow or foreign shrubbery.
- They've punched a turtle more than once.
- When you enter their field of vision they shriek and piss themselves.
These drinks are being advertised to people "on the go", but we can all agree that the marketing of products for such people is utterly asinine (eg. Go-Gurt ). Adolescent boys are the ones drinking this stuff, but they don't need energy, and they aren't going anywhere. These are the last sort of jerk-offs you'd want to see all buzzed up. You thought ADD was common before? You ain't seen nothin'!
I'm writing this now as a concerned member of society with friends already caught in the mighty grip of energy drinks. I now present a breakdown of the warning signs that someone you know might be chugging a bit too much energy:
- They always appear to be blurry.
- They no longer drive to work, but instead choose to run.
- While speaking to them you always have to shout over the squeak and groan of their clenched teeth.
- They've sold their bed for a crate of pogo sticks.
- They're hooked up to an intravenous drip of Bawls.
- They return home from school with a dead rabbit in their mouth.
- They go missing for weeks at a time, sometimes returning covered in snow or foreign shrubbery.
- They've punched a turtle more than once.
- When you enter their field of vision they shriek and piss themselves.
January 27, 2008
Gotta Hide 'Em All
For about thirteen years Pokemon has absorbed money via the population's youth (what? thirteen years...I feel old), with something like almost 500 ridiculous creatures to collect or face ridicule. Now with that introduction out of the way, here are the top five rejected Pokemon and a little info on why they were never allowed to capture your hearts.
Spewachu- Game developers realized that it was becoming repetitive for all the Pokemon to simply shout out their species name as their only means of communication. By creating Spewachu it was hoped to also appeal to children and their love of gross things. The creature never spoke but could only make gurgling noises, choking sounds, and gags. It's only attack was spitting up all over itself and crying. Unfortunately the majority of kids shown early animation and sketches were offended, and the project was scrapped.
Sonimite- In 1999 the franchise introduced a small creature that had astounding hearing and shrieking abilities. The only problem was that it's amazing hearing cause it to scream out in alarm constantly, and those screams of alarm caused it to cry out in terror all the more. In short, the Pokemon never shut up. It appeared in one episode of the show and the film was promptly burned afterwards.
Digliosaur- An early design for an evolved form of Diglett, the Digliosaur would attack other Pokemon and trainers by traveling through the ground underneath them and then bursting out of the ground and screaming "You like it like that!!!?". Parents quickly complained stating that the character appeared to be raping the other creatures. Nintendo tried to deny such claims but couldn't argue that Digliosaur also looked "too much like a wang".
Crabipod- A cross between a blowfish and sea urchin, this smarmy Pokemon is identified as being the first one to have 'attitude'. In early 2001 Nintendo was trying to shake the childish image of the franchise and attract an older audience by introducing Crabipod. The strange quiet Pokemon was known for refusing to fight other Pokemon, spitting, and constantly giving the finger. The character was pulled 72 hours after its release.
Shardmuncher- This winged half vulture frog appeared as a secret character in the Pokemon Crimson and Turquoise game editions, was not only voted as the ugliest Pokemon ever, but also singlehandedly cost Nintendo the most money in lawsuits. Even to this day the character designers refuse to admit that it promotes the idea to children that eating broken glass is fun.
Spewachu- Game developers realized that it was becoming repetitive for all the Pokemon to simply shout out their species name as their only means of communication. By creating Spewachu it was hoped to also appeal to children and their love of gross things. The creature never spoke but could only make gurgling noises, choking sounds, and gags. It's only attack was spitting up all over itself and crying. Unfortunately the majority of kids shown early animation and sketches were offended, and the project was scrapped.
Sonimite- In 1999 the franchise introduced a small creature that had astounding hearing and shrieking abilities. The only problem was that it's amazing hearing cause it to scream out in alarm constantly, and those screams of alarm caused it to cry out in terror all the more. In short, the Pokemon never shut up. It appeared in one episode of the show and the film was promptly burned afterwards.
Digliosaur- An early design for an evolved form of Diglett, the Digliosaur would attack other Pokemon and trainers by traveling through the ground underneath them and then bursting out of the ground and screaming "You like it like that!!!?". Parents quickly complained stating that the character appeared to be raping the other creatures. Nintendo tried to deny such claims but couldn't argue that Digliosaur also looked "too much like a wang".
Crabipod- A cross between a blowfish and sea urchin, this smarmy Pokemon is identified as being the first one to have 'attitude'. In early 2001 Nintendo was trying to shake the childish image of the franchise and attract an older audience by introducing Crabipod. The strange quiet Pokemon was known for refusing to fight other Pokemon, spitting, and constantly giving the finger. The character was pulled 72 hours after its release.
Shardmuncher- This winged half vulture frog appeared as a secret character in the Pokemon Crimson and Turquoise game editions, was not only voted as the ugliest Pokemon ever, but also singlehandedly cost Nintendo the most money in lawsuits. Even to this day the character designers refuse to admit that it promotes the idea to children that eating broken glass is fun.
January 12, 2008
It Makes a Great Gift/ Coaster
The best way to make money is to confuse your customer because ignorance = profit. Why?
Well, I feel that Pixar is one of the finest teams of people making films these days, and the quality and care of each of their projects is unmatched even by Disney's own efforts. I know Disney owns Pixar now, but if they didn't, movies like "Home on the Range" would be their 'big' animation features. And if that was the case, then I submit that the Disney Magic is nearly dead.
But anyway, all this is to get to the point that there have been some spectacularly popular animated features in recent years and it has of course lead to knock-offs.
As I perused the DVD section of my local everything store I noticed a DVD for a computer animated movie about a rat that is a genius in the kitchen; a movie called "Ratatoing".
Ratatoing?!
Holy lack of effort, Batman. These people didn't even try to mask this blatant rip off. It's amazing how these things even come into existence. As far as I can tell, a movie like that is aiming to be bought by three groups of people. Here they are in order of least to most likely to purchase:
- People who have seen and were delighted by the original film and now have a hankering to watch a shoddy duplicate that looks as if it were animated by a team of seventh graders or prisoners.
-People who realize the DVD is a cheap remake and honestly believe it will fool their kids.
-People who think they are buying "Ratatouille".
It's this last and most likely group that concerns me, because I've seen this stuff for years. I can't count the number of times I've dug around in a discount bin of movies and discovered a copy of "The Wee Mermaid" or "The King Lion" or "Snow White and her Seven Dwarf-like Companions". It's just a waste of material and effort, and it's preying upon stupid parents who don't know any better.
This sort of thing happens in the gaming industry as well. For every great game there are 50-60 horrible games that should never be purchased. The only reason those games sell at all is because they contain words like awesome, pirate, and turbo. You'd better believe a game called "Awesome Turbo Pirates" will be a hit. I really feel bad for the kids who begged their parents for a specific game for months and ended up unwrapping "Math Ninja" on Christmas morning. It breaks my heart.
Well, I feel that Pixar is one of the finest teams of people making films these days, and the quality and care of each of their projects is unmatched even by Disney's own efforts. I know Disney owns Pixar now, but if they didn't, movies like "Home on the Range" would be their 'big' animation features. And if that was the case, then I submit that the Disney Magic is nearly dead.
But anyway, all this is to get to the point that there have been some spectacularly popular animated features in recent years and it has of course lead to knock-offs.
As I perused the DVD section of my local everything store I noticed a DVD for a computer animated movie about a rat that is a genius in the kitchen; a movie called "Ratatoing".
Ratatoing?!
Holy lack of effort, Batman. These people didn't even try to mask this blatant rip off. It's amazing how these things even come into existence. As far as I can tell, a movie like that is aiming to be bought by three groups of people. Here they are in order of least to most likely to purchase:
- People who have seen and were delighted by the original film and now have a hankering to watch a shoddy duplicate that looks as if it were animated by a team of seventh graders or prisoners.
-People who realize the DVD is a cheap remake and honestly believe it will fool their kids.
-People who think they are buying "Ratatouille".
It's this last and most likely group that concerns me, because I've seen this stuff for years. I can't count the number of times I've dug around in a discount bin of movies and discovered a copy of "The Wee Mermaid" or "The King Lion" or "Snow White and her Seven Dwarf-like Companions". It's just a waste of material and effort, and it's preying upon stupid parents who don't know any better.
This sort of thing happens in the gaming industry as well. For every great game there are 50-60 horrible games that should never be purchased. The only reason those games sell at all is because they contain words like awesome, pirate, and turbo. You'd better believe a game called "Awesome Turbo Pirates" will be a hit. I really feel bad for the kids who begged their parents for a specific game for months and ended up unwrapping "Math Ninja" on Christmas morning. It breaks my heart.
January 1, 2008
The Changing Face of Communication
It's startling to think of how much cellphones had progressed in the last ten to fifteen years. In the past only the richest yuppies could afford them, and now every Tom, Dick, and Harry are doing three way calling.
I've never been one to keep up with the technological advances of cellphones, which do everything but simply make calls, but I figured it was time to take a look at the big picture and see how communication has developed throughout history.
I've never been one to keep up with the technological advances of cellphones, which do everything but simply make calls, but I figured it was time to take a look at the big picture and see how communication has developed throughout history.
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