Things I Hate: Leave a Message Edition

You'd think that recording a short audio message would be a piece of cake for most people, but you'd be wrong. Here are the offenders of voice mail and answering machines that have pissed me off all my life.

Loud Fools

When recording a message you should try not to do so at a volume that rapes ear drums. The goal is to be clear, not deafen the listener. Whether it's a greeting or message, it's annoying when you have to strain to hear because your ears are filling with blood and it sounds like the person who called is eating the phone. Also why do so many people record their answering machine greeting during some noisy ass commotion? All you hear is children screaming in the background, music playing, and furniture being thrown into jet engines. How can this concept be so difficult? Record your message when you're in a quiet place, not while ringing in the new year in Times Square.

The Fake Out Hello

Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You call someone, you hear the sound of the phone being picked up and an enthusiastic hello. You start talking and you're suddenly interrupted by "I'm not here right now, please leave a message after the beep". People intentionally make their voice mail greetings deceptive with hello, hi there, or hey how are ya followed by a pause. Why would people do that? I'll tell you why. Because it gives some weirdos a sick satisfaction knowing that their friends are chatting away with a recording.

Letting the Kids Speak

The worst, absolute worst crime you can commit when recording your answering machine greeting is letting your kids do the talking. So many people do it that they must believe in their hearts it sounds adorable. But in actual fact it's confusing and irritating. You might fall for an unintentional fake out hello because you're struggling to decipher the babbling 2 year old. You try and ask to speak to a parent and then you hear the beep. Whether its one toddler, a choir of infants, or the kid and laughing parent combo, it all equals frustration. Just record your message like a reasonable mature adult and leave your kids out of it. Letting a child who can barely grasp language speak for you makes about as much sense as letting your dog answer the door.

Cruel and Cruller

Well, as much as I like Ottawa, I've finally discovered its fatal flaw.

No Krispy Kreme.

Madness, you say. And you're right. So where can I find the succulent goodness then?

After checking online I've discovered that there are only 4 locations in all of Canada. Just four. And three of those locations are in Quebec! Okay, okay, I am very close to Quebec, but it's bizarre that there aren't more locations in a country as huge and doughnut-loving as Canada.

To put this injustice into perspective, there are 30 (THIRTY!??) Krispy Kreme locations in South Korea, and half of those are in Seoul. Obviously Korea has a larger population, but that's 1.6 million people per location. In Canada, it's 8.5 million people per location. And Canada can't even manage a Kreme for it's capital city? I'm going to have to write to the government and complain or something, if only I knew where they were located....

Much Worse Than Bed Bugs

We've all seen commercials for prescription drugs on TV where we watch scenes of people "living life to the fullest" while a voice over rattles off an obscene list of side effects. Side effects that seem to easily outweigh the benefits of the drug. Well, I may have just seen the most astonishing one yet.

It's a little product called "Ambien CR", and it's supposed to help people with sleeping problems and insomnia, so they can fall asleep quickly and then stay asleep throughout the night. Sounds straightforward, right? Well buckle up.

Side effects (and I double checked with their website) may include: headaches, drowsiness, dizziness, memory loss, travelers amnesia (if taken during a flight), abdominal and muscle cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, sweating, shakiness, seizures-

Okay, woah! What the hell? Already, I think I'll try to fall asleep on my own; being tired ain't so bad. I can't imagine enjoying a full night's sleep if all day I find myself with a throbbing headache, shaking, falling down, throwing up, and forgetting stuff! And yet it continues...

Not only is there a danger of becoming addicted to this drug, but it can also cause changes in a person's thinking and behavior. More side effects include: outgoing or aggressive behavior, confusion, strange behavior, agitation, hallucinations, worsening of depression, suicidal thoughts-

WHAT!!??

I would say that we sailed past "not worth it" somewhere around amnesia, but this is utter insanity. I've never heard of a sleep aid possibly causing suicidal thoughts. Good lord. That would be like "Pepto Bismol" causing hopelessness and self mutilation.

So - if I have this straight - this is a sleep medication that may result in you being sweaty and in pain, aching and cramping, confused and uncoordinated, out of breath with loose bowels, seeing things that aren't there, vomiting angrily, acting depressed or strange then forgetting about it, and wanting to kill yourself.

But you'll sleep like a baby.

Tuition Well Spent

The Ice Fog Cometh

Upon checking the weather online earlier today I saw the current weather condition listed as "Ice Fog". Sounds dangerous, like the sort of thing you'd miss work over:

Ring ring

"Hello."

"Hello, Mr. Henderson. This is Carl. I'm calling to let you know that I will not be able to make it to work today."

"Is that so? Why's that?"

"Well ... I'm not sure if you've been watching the weather channel, but looks like we've got a case of Ice Fog rolling in."

"... And?"

"And that's why I can't come into work. It's treacherous outside, Mr. Henderson. I'll have to wait and see if this clears up."

"Carl, this is no excuse. Ice Fog is not dangerous, so be here for your shift."

"No excuse!? Do you even know what Ice Fog is!?"

" ... Not exactly. Isn't it just a freezing fog or something?"

"So, what you're saying is that you want me to risk my life out in that freezing mist of death, just because you can't recognize a threatening weather condition?"

"Now, Carl-"

"Would you want to go out for a stroll in something called Fire Fog? I bet you wouldn't! So what makes you think Ice Fog is any less dangerous?"

"But that's crazy, there's no such th-"

"Have you even looked out a window lately, Mr. Henderson? The visibility outside is a joke. I'd be lucky to get to the end of my driveway before sentient icicles tear me to shreds."

"What are you talking about? Sentient icicles?"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was just speculating a bit. We can't be sure what kills you when you disappear into the icy white abyss of the Ice Fog. I mean, there's still a good chance that your blood simply freezes solid in your veins and your face shatters or something."

"Carl! I have no idea what you're going on about, but this conversation is over! Your shift starts in twenty minutes, and if you're not here, you'll be out of job."

"But Mr. Henderson!"

"What!?"

"I'm sorry I've overreacted a bit. But may we both be logical about this situation?"

" ... yes."

"Okay then, alright. So would you agree that the safety of your employees is important?"

"I would."

"And would you agree that you've already admitted that you have no idea what Ice Fog is?"

"Well, I think it's just some sort of frost-"

"Are you a meteorologist?"

"No."

"So you can't tell me exactly what Ice Fog is, or does?"

"Well no, but I know it's not dangerous!"

"How can you not know what something is, yet know something about it?"

"Uh..."

"Look, would you agree that icy conditions can be dangerous?"

"Of course they can be."

"And would you agree that not being able to see icy conditions is even more dangerous?"

"Well...yes. Absolutely."

"So ... if we are in agreement here, you want me to journey out into some unknown weather phenomenon that poses an obvious double threat? You believe there's nothing unsafe about me wandering out blindly into a slippery cold wasteland? Is that right?"

"Uh...Good lord! How will I get home?"

"Just stay calm, Mr. Henderson. As long as we stay indoors, I think it'll be alright. I'd stay away from the windows too."

"Oh God, oh God. My wife is out Christmas shopping. She may be caught right in the middle of it! I have to call her and warn her!"

"Yes, be sure to tell her not to breath the fog. It may turn her into a snowman."

"Good thinking. Stay safe, Carl."

"I will, Mr. Henderson. I will."

click

Thinking Outside the Box

Sometimes you see something on a regular basis and you lose sense of how weird it really is. Like litter boxes for example. Who was the first person to realize that a housecat would only do its business in a box filled with sand? Before litter boxes, were cats often found crapping at the beach, and that's how they put two and two together?

That's what's crazy about owning a cat. Not only do you get to buy sand for them to soil, you get to dig through the sand to find their leavings. And this whole thing about cats burying their droppings; how pathetic and untrue is that? Have you ever, in all honesty, seen a used litter box looking pristine? We'd all like to think cats are stealthy clever creatures who cover their tracks, but they are so sloppy and careless that they never actually cover up anything. Most of the time they just shuffle the dirt around, dig a moat for their "loaf", and track litter everywhere.

Tall Tales

Here's a question. Why are paperback books suddenly being produced taller than usual? You know what I mean? If you haven't noticed, next time you're in a book store observe how paperbacks are the same width, but now are 1/2 - 3/4 inch taller. It's a minor change, but enough to drive me positively nuts.

These new books don't feel right when you hold and read them. They're so tall and skinny that it feels like you're reading a thick pamphlet, or one of those greeting cards made to put money inside. For me, it's not aesthetically pleasing. Now books aren't going to properly fit in some bookshelves. Goddamn it.

I wish I knew the reason for this seemingly meaningless change. It must save on expenses somewhere. But for the consumer, books keep getting more expensive and taller. I want to see a price cut, and more importantly, let's get back to circumcising our books. It's just more hygienic.

Your Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the E.R.

Today I had my first visit to a gourmet hamburger "shoppe" called The Works, where I enjoyed a crazy burger topped with not only beets and pineapple, but a fried egg as well. All the stuff a growing boy needs.

Everyone at the table decided to get a milkshake and one friend selected a large. The waitress warned him that a "large" milkshake is ... quite large. But he would not be swayed.

The milkshake (or should I say, MILKSHAKE!!!?) arrived in a large glass measuring cup, a little more than a litre of sweet goodness. It was big.

How big was it?

It was so big that it required written permission from a doctor to order. It was so big that if you consumed it all a note was revealed at the bottom saying "call 911". It was so big that lifting it might shatter your wrist. It was so big that it came with an additional table to support it. It was so big that looking at it out of context you'd swear someone was making a triple batch of pancakes, or serving eggnog to a family of nine. It was so big that it may have been the equivalent of drinking an entire ice cream cake. It was so big that standing near it raised your blood sugar levels. It was so big that it was prepared in a cement truck.

Well, you get the idea.

Hogwash!!

H1N1, or as it's better known, "Media Shitstorm 2009", has really gotten out of control. I'm sick and tired of people carrying around hand sanitizers and sterilizing themselves every time they open a door. And I'm even more tired of each and every news day leading with stories about swine flu. We get it! There's a flu! Just practice good hygiene and don't cough on babies and old people if you become ill. You know ... the way you should behave with every flu season.

Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you that swine flu is not dangerous, because it is. Yet so is the regular old flu. You guys remember avian flu? That was a pretty big deal for a while. So was mad cow disease. So was Y2K. For months the media fear machine was full throttle for all of those things and had the public believing that at any moment the world was going to come crashing down on their heads. And what did everyone do? They ran out and bought flashlights, face masks, and anti-bird lasers.

Today I went to an office and spoke with a woman working there. I introduced myself and offered my hand, but she shrunk away and told me she wasn't going to shake hands on account of swine flu. I have to say I felt offended. It's not like I hobbled into her office covered with boils and sores while clutching a rag filled with my own phlegm.

I suppose people have a right to be cautious in these situations, but this woman had Lysol disinfecting wipes on her desk as well as hand sanitizing gel at the ready. The way I see it, she could have shook my hand like a reasonable courteous adult and then, if the fear of cooties overwhelmed her, sanitized her hands later.

All in all, I have to say that people need to quit living such frightened lives. People get sick from time to time, and that's just the way things happen. It's called your immune system and it's there for a reason. Stop watching the news and buying things out of fear, stop scrubbing yourself like your about to perform brain surgery, and stop cowering away from other people as if they were lepers. If you live in a perfect sterile bubble, that's the first and easiest thing to burst.

Down With Feather Pillows!

Hello and good day. The recent days have been tiring and strange. Having recently moved to Ottawa I've become overwhelmed by strange bus routes and restaurants that sell shawarmas located on every street corner. If you don't know what that is, it's just a meat pita with garlic sauce and vegetables.

There is still a lot of the city I've yet to see, but I already made the obvious visit to parliament. While there I saw some people dressed up like chickens. Despite my best efforts I couldn't figure out the purpose of their actions and wasn't willing to stand around in the rain to find out. I'll just assume they were protesting the exploitation of large human-shaped chickens.

Anyway, my adventures continue, as well as my quest for income. I gotta go now. I'm suddenly craving a chicken shawarma.

Octoberfest without the Mustard

Still alive, everyone. But also still without steady Internet. I've been keeping myself busy with fun things like mud skiing, interpretive eating, and juggling cats. Also, I broke out a canvas recently and painted this strange thing. I call it "The Moron Lisa"...


Whilst shopping the other day I stumbled upon two humorous finds. Here's the first one.

If you couldn't pick up on the irony, this special plastic package cutting knife is inside one of those stubborn plastic packages. You'll have to buy a knife in advance just to open this knife. But how are you going to get into the first knife's package?!! With scissors of course.

And check out this crazy crap.

It's difficult to make out, but this giant bouncing rubber ball has a warning sticker on it that says "Warning! Choking Hazard! Contains small parts". Well that's a lie. If you can't tell from the picture, this ball is huge. Your kid would have to unhinge his jaw to choke on this. Doesn't really need a warning, people. If your kid is dumb enough to try and swallow something bigger than a baseball, then your kid is a lost cause.

Anyway, catch you fools later.

Back to the Scotia (Too Tired to Make Sense)

Just a quick post to let everyone (you know who you are) know that I'm still alive and well. The flight back to Nova Scotia was just as brutal as expected, but I survived. I imagine I'll still have jet lag in November.

Anyway, I still don't have a steady Internet source, but I will update the site when possible. Here's a pic I drew with my shiny new phone. Over and out.

Mitch & Roland: #59 Eats

Enjoy! I got a plane to catch.

Robo Davy Jones' Lunar Locker

Well, this is it. I am less than two days from my departure from Korea, and before I know it I'll be drinking syrup straight from the tree.

It's been a hell of a ride, and I feel like another chapter of my life is beginning. I hope it's a chapter about me fighting robot pirates on the moon. I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of Long Bolt Silver and his mechanical crew sailing the Sea of Tranquility in their Jolly Rover plundering craters for coolant. There will be a goodly amount of pain delivered, I assure ye.

Anyway, this is just a quick post to let it be known that I will be dropping off the radar for a bit while I'm between Internet sources. Don't worry, though, I will continue to bring the funny and random goodness you crave as soon as I'm back online.

Mitch & Roland: #58 Worry

The Mouthful

Check out this restaurant.

Okay, there are so many things to say about that. For one, I hear they serve a terrific spotted dick. I know it's immature of me, but hey, this is nearly as hilarious as finding a submarine sandwich shop called "Peter Johnson and Harry Dong's Home of the Famous Footlong!"

But seriously you gotta have balls to call your restaurant that. Though cocky as it is, with a name like that, it likely wont last schlong.

Okay. I'm finished.

Dancin' in the Street

On Saturday Sept 29th I was lucky enough to witness a strange and interesting event. As a tribute to Michael Jackson on what would have been his 51st birthday, people gathered at various parts of northern Seoul to suddenly break into synchronized dance.

If you view the video I've put up - video I took myself - then you'll see two of the flash-mobs that occurred at two different locations around GwangHwaMun. It all starts with one man dancing to the song Beat It, and then people joining in to become a massive coordinated spectacle usually reserved for the realities of musicals. Simply put, I thought it was cool as hell.



If you look carefully in the video you should be able to see various people dressed in ways that pay homage to Michael. As well, you can spot the odd person dressed like an animal ... for the hell of it I guess.

While I was on my way to the first dance mob I ran into a gentleman who was obviously a big Michael Jackson fan. He wore a hat and single shimmering glove. He seemed truly pleased to see me, though we'd never met before. He shook my hand and greeted me.

"Michael Jackson - king of pop!" He shouted.

"Yeah," I replied and smiled.

"Fucking Bush!" he shouted louder, "Obama, good! ... Fucking Bush!!"

I'm not sure what the connection was between his first comment and the next, but he was certainly passionate about both. All in all it was a day about people doing something they were very passionate about. The world needs more of that.

You Spin Me Right Round

A Bar So Nice, They Named It Twice

I know I talked about this before, but now I can present photographic proof.


Yes, indeed.

Communal Food on the Freeway

The Eulogy of Tiny Tim

As we gather today to mourn the loss of our beloved Timothy Cratchit, let us not forget the small yet tiny part he played in all of our lives. The ever optimistic spirit; what he lacked in largeness, he made up for in smallness. His personality and enthusiasm was so much bigger than he. Though of course, it would have to be since he was, as you know, unthinkably small.

Though he did not have the same abilities as many of the more reasonably-sized population, he did excel at being weak and puny. Even though he walked, and sat, and ate, and moved with great difficulty, he fell down often with a natural ease. Luckily, he did not have far to fall.

He gave as us an incredible message of determination and tenacity. A message that was sometimes dwarfed by his laughable size. But Tim had a big heart. Not literally of course; his actual heart must have been astoundingly small in order to properly suit the rest of his freakishly pint-sized body. If Tiny Tim were here now, he would look upon (or straight up at) us all and say, "Do not weep for me!" Perhaps out of the fear of drowning in a flood of giant tears.

However small his physical presence was - and it was unquestionably small - we shall not forget the influence he would have had, had he been a size that was large enough to influence things. And let us remember that Tiny Tim was not just a size. He was the absence of size. In this way, the space he did not occupy was so immense you could say he was larger than all of us ... but not really.

Oh, my tiny tiny Tim! Even though you are no longer with us, and barely were for a short time, you will remain forever and ever in a minuscule section of all of our hearts.

Amen.

It Ain't Worth the Risk

This weekend I finally purchased a new digital camera after months of living in Asia without one. Now I can finally document my adventures properly with photo after terrible photo. I don't imagine I'll post many on this blog. Only if I find something really cool or hilarious. Like this one I took today of a sticker on a men's washroom door.

I can't be sure, but I believe this sticker serves as a warning to potential smokers letting them know that the stalls are patrolled by tobacco-hating crabs. If you light up on the john, you might just have your cigarette - or something more important - cut in two.

Mitch & Roland: #57 Party

The humour of bodily fluids strikes again. As you know I've done plenty of research in this field of comedy. In any case, enjoy the weekend, and do your very best to keep the things you ingest on the inside ... at least until you find a basin or an unattended bread machine.

Things I Hate: Cinema Adventures

3D Out of Control

The 3D fad is back and charging forward at full strength. And that's good news because we finally can get back to the fantastic roots of three dimensional cinema and triumphs like ... uh ... Jaws 3D? Actually, you know what? It's a gimmick, it's always been a gimmick, and until some major progress is made it's going to remain a gimmick. I want to love 3D movies, but things like G-Force, Ice Age 3, and The Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience make me want to stab my own brain with tweezers. 3D movies should stay in amusement parks where they belong.

Babies At the Movies

Parents, why? Why are you bringing infants and toddlers and other wailing miniature versions of yourself to the movies? The baby doesn't know what's going on, it didn't ask to come here, and its cries are annoying you and everyone else. I don't think bringing a very young infant is appropriate for even children's movies. It's hard to know what the appropriate age is to bring your kid to their first movie (some people seem to think it's a few hours after the umbilical cord was cut), but I assert it should be when they are old enough to stay put and shut up for 90 minutes.

Pre-Movie Commercials

This has got to be one of the greatest crimes ever committed in the realm of advertising. You've paid ten dollars for a ticket, you've taken out a loan for some popcorn and twizzlers, and now you're forced to sit through a gauntlet of commercials. And I'm not talking about movie trailers. I like movie trailers, in fact I look forward to viewing them and being filled with excitement and anticipation. But no, somewhere along the line, people realized they could run commercials for cola, cars, cellphones, and people would just have to suck it up.

How bad has it gotten? Pretty bad, at least in Korea. I went and saw the movie "Up" on the weekend and decided to count the commercials before the movie. Twenty-six, my friends, twenty-Goddamn-six. Only two of those were movie trailers, and I had even gotten in a bit late, so I must've missed a few. All in all I estimate there were 30+ commercials. It was over 20 minutes of nonstop ads. I would mind less if the tickets were cheaper as a result, but that's not the case. It'll get worse before it gets better. The war is over, and we lost. We might as well tattoo product logos on our foreheads and name our children Kraft, Sony, and Gillette Fusion.

Loose Screw

Don't you just love a surprise ending? Yeah, me too.

Mitch & Roland: #56 Illumination

Let us Feast!!!

Today marks my fourth birthday in Korea. Wow. Time flies. Well, since my birthday is normally celebrated around the globe (the globe in my mind), I hope everyone has a better than usual Tuesday.

Thanks to my kind and generous coworkers and boss I was bestowed with gifts of wine and cherries. A three pound box of dark sweet cherries. With gifts that luxurious, I think I'll spend the day lying in a reclined position drinking wine from a goblet while a wench feeds me cherries and a leg of mutton. How kingly I shall be.

I made a surprising discovery recently. My grandmother also has a birthday in July and she just turned 83 (Go Nans!). My birthday is today and I've turned 26 (Go me!). The interesting thing is that I was born in 1983 and she was born in 1926. Coincidence? Omen? Glitch in the Matrix? You be the judge.

Fun fact about my grandmother: She one stabbed a pirate in the neck because he stood in front of the TV when her soaps were on. Just saying. Don't mess with her.

Perspiration Nation

One thing I can't understand about Seoul is the abundance of saunas. They are all over the place. There's one in the building where I work, on the same floor, and another in the basement too.

What boggles me is not that people want to cleanse their systems with a little spa visit, it's that the summer weather is already insanely humid and hot. You can get your sweat on anywhere, so I don't see the point in going to a sauna. I've seen people sweating profusely on their way to the sauna, so I can't figure out the point. Is sweating more enjoyable when you have to pay for it?

It makes about as much sense as being in Canada in the winter and then paying to hang out in a giant freezer.

Chim Chiminy, Chim Chiminy, Chim Chim Achoo

Deaf Jam

I was on the bus a few days ago listening to my ipod when suddenly the music I was listening to changed to something I'd never heard before. It took me a few minutes to realize that the new music I was hearing was coming from the gentleman sitting next to me. He was also listening to an MP3 player with headphones.

That's astonishing! How can sound being fed directly into my ears be overpowered by sound coming from speakers plugged into another person's ears? This must mean that either I've developed superhuman hearing ... or that dude is listening to music so loud his colon is bleeding.

Please be superhuman hearing, please be superhuman hearing, please be...

Mysterious/Carnivorous

I must give credit to my brother, Darron, for coming up with the concept for this comic. I can always count on him for a weird, yet hilarious, suggestion.

Fun with Electricity in Waterworld

My word it is raining a lot these days. It's like hurricane-level rainfall. I was walking to work today and got drenched. And I had an umbrella! It was like the rain was trying to shoot up my nose or blind me.

Anyway, it's not all bad because I've recently purchased a wondrous invention: An electric flyswatter. If for some reason you can't guess what it is, it's a tennis racket crossed with an electric chair. Practical, fun, and so simple a well grounded baby could use it.

I used to get pissed off when mosquitoes harassed me in my apartment, but now I leave windows open and heaps of rotting fruit lying about just to increase the chances of an "encounter". I can't believe I spent so many years using messy flyswatters like a barbarian. Now I can destroy insect life with the power of SCIENCE! The way God intended.

It Slices, it Dices, Who Cares!?

Full Circle, Square, Triangle, X

An observation:

From the seventies to early nineties, video arcades were a common sight in western malls and shopping areas. It was a great opportunity to play unique games with guns, mallets, footpads, steering wheels and other interactive controls.

Then the nineties rolled on and the arcades slowly disappeared as home consoles got better and better. Nowadays they've pretty much vanished besides the few aging machines occasionally at the cinemas. Japan still has an arcade culture, but it seems to be more for prodigious rhythm game players, people gambling on virtual horse races, and those who find it amusing to jam plastic fingers into asses.

After the arcades died a strange thing occurred, home consoles began offering odd game accessories and add-ons like guns, bongos, dance mats, maracas, cameras, etc. This trend actually started long before arcades went away, but it only intensified at the turn of the millennium. In the last five years we've seen the birth and rise of the Nintendo Wii, Guitar Hero, and Rock band which have caused gamers to jump around their living rooms with plastic instruments or swing their arms wildly with motion controllers.

The age of the peripheral is reaching critical mass as people are seriously running out of room for fake drum sets. Now with the announcement of two more motion control systems at E3, and the marketing of Tony Hawk's motion-sensing skateboard or DJ Hero's turntable controller, the picture is clear. Once we went to the arcade to try something new and play in very physical ways, but now that experience happens in our own living rooms. Shooters with guns, music with instruments, and sports with physical movement.

The arcade has been reborn ... in every home that is willing to collect these devices. The only difference is that we used to pay a handful of quarters to jump around like a moron, and now it's costing us hundreds of dollars.

Crypts and Cryptics

Things I Hate: Parents Suck Edition

Parents Who Let Their Kids Run Amok

You know what I'm talking about. These halfwit parents who seem to think there's no problem with letting their sugar-filled children run around public places disturbing all manner of civility. They plague almost any place you might want to go: theatres, malls, restaurants, outdoors in general. Children screaming and knocking things over while their parents talk on cellphones or stare depressingly into the middle distance and wonder where their life went wrong. Snap out of it, lady! And please tell Blake, or Chaz, or Gabe, or whatever his name is, to sit down and shut up! It sucks that these kids have no manners, but the parents suck more for not teaching them any.

Parents Who Are Tyrants

This might seem like the opposite of the first one, but really I'm talking about parents who are burdening their children with all their personal hopes and dreams, and pushing them far too hard at too young an age. If teaching in Korea has taught me anything, it's that some parents will do anything to force their children to succeed in a competitive world. In one particular example, I've heard tell of a young girl in the first grade who had to attend public school, several private academies, do online lessons, and complete homework assigned by her own mother. She's in the first grade!! Why is she doing four sets of homework? That's child abuse! It sounds like this child would have barely enough time to sleep, let alone play with her friends and do other important carefree things that make childhood joyful. Mom and Dad, stop suffocating your children with work and structure!

Parents Who Are Anti-Video Games

This is ongoing debate that is certainly not going to be solved here, but I'll throw in my two cents. I won't even try to tackle the whole "video games promote violent behaviour" issue, but simply complain about the "video games make children lazy and dumb" issue. I hate that statement because it's about as stupid as the parents who make it. For some reason parents want to attack video games for creating a generation of inactive social introverts. I guess because when you play games you sit in one spot, indoors, and that's about it. Well how is that different from tons of other activities? Writing, drawing, watching TV, using a computer; these are all activities that keep you fairly immobile. And how about reading!? Parents are always pushing their kids to read and study, but what is more inactive than that? You can't read Shakespeare while mountain biking. Yet no one attacks books for making kids lazy. I played games all throughout my childhood and I still found plenty of time to play outdoors, get exercise, breathe fresh air, and expand my imagination.

Also, parents who think reading is going to make kids smarter than playing games have obviously never seen a Japanese RPG. Studying history would be a relief from the reading required to play those games. I'm not saying games are going to make you smarter or boost your reflexes and coordination, but they are certainly not going to make you stupid. It's not a passive experience; you make choices and become engaged with characters and stories. A parent who is concerned about their child being lazy and dumb should get involved in various activities with them and teach them something. Instead these parents who are angry at their kids for playing video games too much, probably have their own asses parked in front of the TV.

Another Coat of Paint

As you may notice, the site has changed a little bit. There's no real purpose behind it besides trying something new. Since the rest of the Internet changes and updates twice an hour, I figured I would too. I went with a simple clean look, but I'm open to suggestions.

Not to worry though, everything is still in its usual place and I will continue to supply as many jokes and drawings my free time will allow. Thanks again to anyone who has taken the time to read something here.

Rock rock on.

Good Morning, Body Pudding

Sally woke up and went to the bathroom to get ready for work. She washed her face with her favorite honey and oat facial scrub, then grabbed her toothbrush.

After brushing her teeth with cinnamon toothpaste, then using her citrus mouthwash and mint floss, she hopped in the shower. She washed her long dark hair with oatmeal brown sugar shampoo and then a vanilla cream conditioner. After rinsing her hair she cleansed her body with banana and pear body yogurt and then a series of strawberry, olive, and papaya shower gels.

Out of the shower and dried, she proceeded to moisturize herself with a slew of lotions, creams, and balms. Wild cherry for the body, peppermint for the feet, coconut for the hands, and strawberry for the lips. She then sprawled out in a wading pool filled with aloe for her daily soak, while a team of servants rubbed her naked body with pineapple rings and applied a rich satsuma glaze.

After breaking free of the satsuma shell she rolled around on a pile of pumpkin innards, cranberries, and goat milk while the servants flung handfuls of almond extract in her direction. Once the thrashing concluded Sally dove down a Slip 'n' Slide coated with mango body butter and slammed into a pile of tree oils, seaweed, and vitamin E.

Later, as she exited her apartment feeling revitalized and youthful, she was devoured by a group of hungry joggers.

Cindy Day of the Dead

You know what? I don't care if that reference is lost on most people. I took it there and I'm proud.

If it happens in the sky, it'll probably be different when it reaches earth.

Brace Thyself for Adorable

Just thought I would share this drawing a student of mine did of yours truly. This is easily the cutest depiction of me ever. It's also incredibly accurate. My family and friends can confirm that my eyes are the size of dinner plates, and my head is the size of a bean bag chair.

Now I finally know what I'd look like if I were a Pokemon trainer.

A Dose of Honesty

9 out of 10 doctors agree that teasing the feeble is awesome because they can't do anything about it.

Paper + Cup = Rage

Here is another video I recently added to the tube of you-ness. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed editing it together.

I also hope it inspires you to follow your dreams and/or stack paper cups.

How Dare You Question My Hunger!

At no time in Canada have I ever been questioned about food I was purchasing or ordering. Yet it happens with shocking regularity in Korea.

What do I mean? Well, sometimes when I go to a restaurant, coffee shop, or some other distributor of consumables, I get hit with a barrage of questions about my order. Are you sure? Isn't that too much? Are you really going to eat all that? Really!??

With questions like that you'd think I was ordering a metric ton of food. But I'm simply ordering from the menu. I ordered one kimbab roll and a dumpling, and the owner asks me if I think that's too much. When I say no, he comments that I must be very hungry. Another time I ordered two -GASP!- sandwiches from a toast shop and the woman asks me if I was sure I wanted two. I said yes and she warns me that I will be very full. Even after I ate them she suggested that next time I order less.

I mean, honestly, you'd think I'd walked in there and rattled off some unthinkable order:

"Hey there, how ya doin'. Give me forty-two bagels, fifty-eight coffees, all your ice cream, a crate of eggs, a hundred and twenty chicken salads. Hey Ernie! Go get the truck! Where was I ... uh ... can I buy those entire cakes, or do you only sell pieces? Cool. Give me nine cakes. What? Oh, I don't know, mix 'em up and surprise me. Let's see ... thirty liters of chocolate milk, a bucket of ham, and all the sandwiches you can possible make with the ingredients you have at this moment."

But no, I order two sandwiches made with regular slices of bread and the woman practically calls an ambulance. I really can't figure out the reasoning behind this behavior. The strangest part is that it is the person selling me the food that is telling me not to buy so much. Seems counter productive for a business.

"Are you sure you want all that?"

"Hmmm, actually I'm not sure. I think I'll go home instead. Farewell!"

I thought at first it had something to do with me being a foreigner, but then I saw other Koreans being bothered the same way. I saw a guy come into a pizza place and it turned into a interrogation. So you want a pizza? Are there more people coming to join you? No? And you want to eat it here? A whole pizza? By yourself? Really!??

Just give him a pizza!! What the hell is this? If you own a pizza shop, you want people to buy pizza! Why should you give two shits about who will eat it and how? Hungry people are your friend. Hungry people order food. A lot of food. More food than they need, and that's money in your pocket.

You know that look on someones face when they realize they have far more food than they can eat? Koreans must hate that look.

Mitch & Roland: #55 Outfit

Dear Readers,

Are you really going to go out dressed like that?

p.s. No, seriously. Are you? Cause you look like a transvestite hobo.

The Great Ketchup Drought of '09

Recently I bought a hamburger, as I am likely to do, at the Korean version of McDonald's, known as Lotteria. I bought the hamburger set, because a fatty sandwich just isn't enough without greasy potato sticks and sugar water.

When I brought the food to my table I realized they had given me a single ketchup packet. Just one. I went back to the counter, and (in Korean ) politely asked for more ketchup.

The woman handed me one packet.

I gave her the sort of look that said, "You're kidding, right?" I even thought about asking for more again, but I didn't want to seem like some white guy with an unquenchable thirst for ketchup.

I not to sure what the deal is. If I were in Canada they would have flung a fistful of packets at me and life would move on. Is the economy so bad that we have to ration our ketchup now? I know I didn't order a heaping stack of fries, but it must be obvious that one packet is insufficient. It holds like 3 drops of ketchup. Why not give me a few? I'm a big guy, I can take it.

But one? That's a step away from cutting the packet in two and giving me half.

I remember another time when I went to this place called Kraze Burger and decided to splurge on an expensive western style hotdog. The photo on the menu showed a hotdog piled high with sauerkraut and all the trimmings.

When I received the hotdog, it was a desert. So barren I had to ask why there wasn't any sauerkraut as advertised. The employee insisted that it was there, but my eyes told me otherwise. I didn't want to be a dick, but like I said, it was a stupidly expensive hotdog. So they finally succumbed and gave me a dish of "extra" sauerkraut.

How can I describe so little sauerkraut and do it justice? Hmmm, it was like a quarter of a teaspoon. It was like they took a single strand of sauerkraut, divided that in half lengthwise, chopped up the half-strand, and gave me half of what remained.

I was boggled to say the least. Why can't I get some sauerkraut in Korea? Korea's most popular, most recognized food is kimchi, a fermented cabbage side dish. That's what sauerkraut is!! Korea is the king of fermented foods! There are 187 documented varieties of kimchi, and yet these hotdog peddlers are clinging to their kraut like they just opened they last container on earth! I just don't get it.

I want to live in a world where I can over sauce and drench my food in every way I deem necessary! Even if that means asking for more ketchup eight times in a row.

Another Hobby Revealed

And now for something completely different.

Just thought I'd share a video of me rambling about another interest of mine: origami. (Gasp!) Since last winter I've found myself increasingly amused with this pastime, probably because I have the additional time in the evenings, and origami paper is ridiculously cheap in Korea compared to Canada. So I enjoy writing, cartooning, and paper-folding. I'm a triple threat! Mothers, hide your daughters!

So, give the video a look if you're intrigued. Turnipism is all about randomness, and I deliver.

Mitch & Roland: #54 Unsure

Friday was Teachers Day in Korea, so I ended up having a mini-Christmas worth of gifts showered upon me at work. I received a fairly wide ranch of things such as traditional rice cakes, vitamins, flowers, chocolates, cookies, cards, a box of donuts, cell phone accessories, and various knickknacks.

So, everyone have a great weekend, and spend your time wisely. Personally I plan to put my gifts to good use by eating vitamins and donuts together. That way the two forces of nutrition and obesity can battle it out in my body for domination. Will I grow strong, or become ridiculously ill? Stay tuned!

Urine for a Bit of Wait

If you ever hang out for the day shopping with your girlfriend, or some other acquaintance of the female persuasion, then you may find yourself as an escort for numerous and extended washroom visits. I know I do. I have no scientific data to back this up, but based on my observations, women seem to use the washroom more frequently and longer than men do.

FUN FACT! Did you know that a woman's bladder is roughly the size of nothing!

I suppose women have more things to attend to in the washroom, and for men a washroom visit is "all business". Get in, get out, hope you don't make eye contact. There's no time to wash your hands, or check if your junk is still hanging out.

FUN FACT! Did you know that the urinal cake is the cleanest part of the men's washroom. And they're constantly getting pissed on!

Whenever I'm out and about, the women's washroom almost always has a line up. I guess I could chock it up to living in a densely populated city, but the men's washroom never has a line. I never have to wait to use the toilet. The only line up of men to be seen are the guys holding purses, shopping bags, and coats while their girlfriends are using the facilities.

FUN FACT! Did you know that at any given moment, a woman is carrying enough napkins, paper towel, and tissues to soak up every ounce of moisture in her body!

So as a way to make life more convenient for everyone, I suggest that all public washrooms be built so that the women's washroom is two (or three) times larger than the men's washroom. Women don't have to wait in ridiculous lines and risk a bladder rupturing, and men don't have to spend 30% of the day acting as a human coat rack. It's win-win!

FUN FACT! Did you know that women are attracted to taller men because they know that taller guys are more likely to hold a jacket without it dragging on the floor!

Actually, since I've never spent time inside women's washrooms, I can't be sure if it's already larger than the ones for men. Hell, that could be part of the problem. Maybe they all line up and spend so much time because inside they're filled with sofas, tables, hammocks, flower gardens, and coffee shops. It all makes sense now!

The Craft of Laziness: Students Guide

Kids love gadgets. I should know, I'm a kid at heart and love gadgets as well. I love shiny metal and plastic do-dads with luminous screens, slots, switches, and buttons - oh lord the buttons!

I've watched my students run around with their cellphones gleefully. Cellphones, I should add, that are much newer and nicer than mine. And these devices are not so much a communication tool, but the expected solution to everything.

How so?

Well, I've seen students recording class lectures on their cellphone, so they don't have to listen so closely while being there. I've seen students searching up words on their phone's multilingual dictionaries to cut corners in homework. I've seen kids taking photos of the whiteboard as a substitute for writing down notes.

All in all this seems like a likely tool for cheating, but I'm more bothered by the laziness it develops. How lazy/busy do you have to be as a student to go, "Write down my homework? Screw that. *snap* I'll check that later. I got shit to do. The fellas are expecting me over by the see-saw in 5 minutes, and I ain't got no time for notebooks, pencils, and other antiques."

If I could go back in time 100 years and show that scene to people, I don't know who would be more offended: A writer, a photographer, or a teacher.

Nanna's Plan

It's the weekend. Visit your grandmother. I hear she's got a biscuit the size of a coffee table she's daring you to tackle.

Some Thoughts on Snails and Drinking

I read a news article online a few days back with this title:

Much of Drinking in Canada done in excess, study suggests.

Yeah? I thought that was the point. When people drink, for the most part they are set on drinking more than they need. Plus, drinking impairs your judgment, and the first thing you're likely to misjudge is when to stop drinking the stuff that screws with your ability to know when to stop.

I like how they say "excess", as if there is an amount we should be drinking. What is the recommended daily intake of scotch? I forget.

Plus, why is this article focused on Canada? And why on earth would they need a study to discover this. It fills me with sadness to think money was spend to get this "info", when really you, or I, or anyone whose been to college or a single party in their life could have confirmed this for them.

In an unrelated matter, it really bugs me when people use the term "snail mail" to refer to mailing something through the postal system rather than electronically. Why are people doing this? It's asinine. If you mailed a letter, say you mailed it. If you emailed a letter, say you emailed it. Where's the confusion? I can't think of a situation that would call for this sort of clarification, unless your friends are all complete knobs.

"I mailed you a postcard. Did you get it yet?"

"Hold on, let me check my gmail."

"No, I actually send you a postcard."

"What? My inbox is empty. Maybe there's a delay..."

"Listen to me, I didn't EMAIL you an E-CARD. I MAILED you a POSTCARD."

"Huh?"

"Through the mail!"

"What? By snail mail?"

"No!! By mail! I didn't write you a note on a fucking snail. I sent you a postcard by mail. Go check your fucking mailbox."

"Oh, you mean the snailbox?"

"This friendship is over!" (hangs up)

So why are we changing the word "mail" to this insulting variation? It's not like once cars were invented we all started calling horses "bullshit cars on legs that get tired".

The Best Parts are the Corners

Things I Hate: "Stuck On You" Edition

Life isn't perfect, so let's bitch about it.

Gelato Toppings

Sometimes I like to indulge in the divine decadence of Italian ice cream (gelato). Or sometimes I just go in the store to look at all the delicious displays. Each container of ice cream usually is covered with a topping to represent that flavour. Chocolate has chocolate chips, strawberry has strawberries, green tea has tea leaves, etc. It's not rocket science. Then I noticed what was on the vanilla ice cream: crackers. Crackers? Crackers! Saltine crackers! Who the hell made that decision? If you can't find something vanilla related to stick on your ice cream, then go with nothing! Nothing is a smarter choice than crackers. Man! Is it because they share a similar colour, or that vanilla is a boring flavour much like a cracker, or is it because someone is an idiot? Soup crackers!? Crackers!

Stickers on Things

If you're human, you likely purchase things. And you've likely grown more and more pissed off at all the damn stickers you've had to carefully pick off those purchases. What is wrong with these stores and companies that find these super adhesive price tags to forever scar an object. Why isn't there some government regulated stickiness committee to monitor this shit? Sometimes I buy a book with a sticker than peels off in one clean swipe. Then I'll buy a DVD and spend the better part of the evening trying to remove forty pricing and security stickers. Stickers that, once painfully picked off, still leave behind a rectangle of glue so it looks like someone blew their nose all over your media. Whoever invented these hell stickers should be wrapped in them and kicked into a bonfire.

Foods that Won't Peel

You know what I'm talking about. Someone gives you an orange, and half an hour later you realize why you never eat oranges any more. Because they don't peel for shit. You try to carefully work the skin off, but it only breaks away in tiny pellet-sized clumps, each time spraying citric acid in your face. Soon you're tearing away at it like an animal, and cursing fruit in general. And it's not just oranges. Eggs! Why is it that if you boil eggs, some of them slip out of the shell like they're begging to be devoured, and others fuse to the shell like they were filled with wood glue? And bananas! The easiest fruit to peel in the world, and it still leaves behind a half dozen strands of fibrous bullshit to pick off. Or potatoes! Unless you have the perfectly sharp paring knife on hand, peeling potatoes is a pain in the ass. It's like an arthritis simulation. Sometimes after making some fruit or potato salad I run from my house with my crippled hands in the air and scream into the nearest mailbox until I see stars.

Ectoplasm and/or Marmalade

Hope y'all have a weekend rich with fun and shenanigans. Remember, as a rule of thumb, don't jam your thumb into any hole or opening just because it'll probably fit. There are only so many times the fire department will rush to your house to save you.

It's our opposable thumbs that separate us from the animals. So stop thumbing those animals already! I mean it! Next time it happens, I'm calling the cops.

Mitch & Roland: #53 Impulse

Ba-da-bum!

How many punchlines do you see involving lighthouses? Not enough, I assure you. I'm here to fill that gap, as it is an important part of a balanced breakfast of humour.

Nutrition By Force

April Confirmed

Mucho apologies on the lack of updates lately. I've been sick as a dog and fluctuating between feeling fine and wanting to tip over and puke. I do have a new batch of drawings nearly finished, so you can expect that early next week.

Even though it's late to say this, I hope you made the best of April Fools Day. I didn't prank anyone but I do recognize the potential of that excuse:

"Hey, hey!"

"Where the hell have you been? You're almost five hours late for work!"

"Gotcha! April Fools!"

"That's not how it works. Wait a minute ... are you drunk?"

"Uhhhhh ... April Fools!"

Mitch & Roland: #52 Sandwich

As you may or may not have noticed, the Mitch and Roland comics have a rich history of sandwich related humour going all the way back to the very first one.

In fact, about half of all the comics so far are on the subject of food, or are related to food and eating. What does this say about me? That I'm fat, obviously. But more importantly, what does this say about society? That we're hungry about half the time, I suspect.

Games of Hate

Always Bring a Flare Gun When Shopping

This past weekend, I came to the realization that I witness amazing things all the time. Like what, you ask? Well, when I go to any of the huge shopping areas or department stores in Seoul, I'm always amazed by the cleaning ladies who must work amoung the endless droves of customers bustling about. Seriously, that's an impressive feat.

I can't go more than twenty minutes in a busy shopping area before I begin to feel my blood pressure rising and the urge to strike someone creeping up in my brain. People are constantly getting in your way, crashing into you, knocking your shopping bags around; it's hot, stuffy, and unbelievably loud. I can feel my pulse rattling my teeth and if I don't get out of there, I might start shrieking like a lunatic.

And it's my choice to be there! It's my leisure time on the weekend, and I can leave if I wish. But these women have to be there all day! They work there! They're weaving their way through the crowd, hunched over, mopping a floor that is constantly being walked on. It must be so frustrating and claustrophobic. Somehow they can do that day after day without freaking out, stabbing anyone, or even whacking them in the back of the legs with a broom.

So the Turnipism community (me) is proud to honour these cleaning ladies with the award for "Most Impressive Show of Restraint In a Situation That Would Cause an Average Person to Flip Out and Begin Clawing Their Way to the Nearest Exit Whilst Hyperventilating and Crying". Congratulations.

Also, on an unrelated matter, if you heard tell of some dude flipping out in a department store and clawing his way to the nearest exit whilst hyperventilating and crying, ... it wasn't me.

Mitch & Roland: #51 Rental

I will always be amused by crappy names for movie sequels. While there are tons in real life, it doesn't stop me from imagining my own. Here are some additional names I thought would be good for a "Swordman" sequel:

Swordman 2: Sword Harder
Swordman 2: The Swordening
Swordman 2: Showdown at Sword Mountain
Swordman 2: The Blade of Sharpness
Swordman 2: Swordmen
Swordman 2: Look Who's Cutting Now
Swordman 2: Lord of the Sword
Swordman 2: Passion of the Sword
Swordman 2: Full Throttle
Swordman 2: Slash to the Future
Swordman 2: The Legend of the Slightly Sharper Sword

and of course,

2 Sword 2 Furious

The Birds and the Bees and a Side of Potatoes

The Best Cars Are the Ones You Can Read

I'm always on the look out for new and interesting uses (and misuses) of English on clothing, products, etc. I've shared my discoveries on this blog before. Here are three more:

In my neighborhood I saw a man exercising outside and he was wearing a jacket. On the back of the jacket was half a maple leaf split down the middle, and next to it the words "Fuckin' Freezing". First of all, I know that's not a good example of "Engrish", but it's worth mentioning. And secondly ... I want a jacket like that! That kicks ass.

And speaking of freezing, why is it still so damn cold? The days bounce back and forth between moderately sunny/cool, and skin-cutting ice wind. I want mother nature to make up her mind! Sometimes I wear a summer jacket and it's not enough, and other times I bundle up and wear winter gear, and I'm so hot I'm cooking.

I'm getting off topic. Sorry.

Another thing I saw, also in the neighborhood, was a bar called "Boobi Boobi". A bit misleading, since the place seems to have nothing to do with boobies. Not even Blue-Footed Boobies. What a rip.

And finally, I happened upon a car with odd text written on it recently. First of all, the car was orange, which is really out of place in Korea where all vehicles have the same colour palette of gray, dark blue, and grayish-blue. So, there was the bright orange car parked along the street with text written out on the hood at an angle. It read, "I will never stop drive. It's the reason for I exist."

Hardcore. I really hope the guy who owns that car, was the same guy with the "Fuckin' Freezing'" jacket. That would make my day.

Inappropriate Campsites

Cows in Cinema: Another Triumph

Hey, all. Hope your weekends rocked fully and completely. Mine was rich with movies

One movie that I feel the need to mention is a Korean documentary called "Weonangsori", the English title being "Old Partner". The movie itself has slowly taken off by word of mouth buzz and is now breaking records in Korean cinema. I went to see the movie on Saturday with a close friend, only knowing vaguely that it was about an old man and his cow. I hadn't expected much.

Let me say plainly, that it is one of the finest, most moving films I've ever seen.

The movie tells of an elderly husband and wife who live in the picturesque mountains of Korea, living a simple and devoted life, farming the earth by traditional means. The story centers on the man and his cow, a creature he has worked with each day for 40 years. We watch as they endure their work and hardships together, nearing the end of their lives as true companions.

The film is unlike any other I can think of. It seems to step outside of the documentary genre and become something entirely new. I felt like I was simply witnessing a heartbreaking piece of life. It's beautiful, charming, and altogether sad.

How sad? Well, I have to say, with no embarrassment, that this movie brought me to tears. And not just an "I got the sniffles" moment; I was crying. When the movie sweeps into it's gut-wrenching conclusion, I turned into a weeping wreck, my friend was bawling, and I could hear others around us doing the same. It's not depressing like many movies I've seen in the past, it just has this quality of being poetically sad. As I said, it's an incredibly moving film.

I don't usually write about these things on this blog, saving most of my energy for drawing and ranting, but I was really blown away by this film. It's been on my mind constantly since seeing it, and I still feel occasionally overwhelmed by the images it presented. I can only hope that by some miracle it will find it's way to western audiences (perhaps on DVD), and I strongly urge anybody who loves animals, cares for nature, or appreciates film to see it. You will not be disappointed.

Whack in a Box

And so Lone Panel comics return, now in "raging color" (Not to be confused with 'roid rage).
Enjoy.

Multitasking: The Long Lost Secret of the Aztecs

It certainly has been a while since I've posted. What on earth has been keeping me so busy? Oh right. My constant battle with orcs.

I have a few short comics and drawings I'm ready to post, yet currently I'm without a scanner to bring those worthless "paper" images into the kick ass realm of "digital". I don't even have a digital camera, which was my image stealing device of choice since the beginning of this blog. Oh well. I should have access to a scanner soon, so don't fret.

I really have to budget my time between writing, drawing, work, relationships, family, friends, leisure time, and battling orcs. And sometimes it's a tricky juggling act. On the weekend I witnessed a dude who had multitasking down to a science. When I was using a public washroom I noticed him at the urinal, doing his business, while brushing his teeth.

Cleanin' teeth, and going one-handed on the zipper and package. It's risky, and I think it paid off in the long run. I'm certain he saved himself almost 20-30 seconds, and I bet he got that promotion too. What an innovator. I think we should all aspire to that have that level of efficiency.

Where You Can Stick Your Eggs

To Those Who Throw Eggs,

Why are you throwing eggs? It's not Halloween, and there isn't an egg surplus. Don't you realize that we are in an economic downturn? You should be saving those eggs for important and useful things, like reserve omelets.

I understand that there is satisfaction in tossing eggs and hearing a wet crack, making a sticky mess, and causing general havoc. But when you throw eggs at strangers at night, that's not fun, it's being an asshat. Do you want to be known as a stupid prick? Because your actions seem to suggest as such.

I've not been hit with eggs myself, but it's happened on multiple occasions to people I know and care about, more recently to someone who was obviously minding their business and was pelted by a group of teenagers. So, as you may imagine, I'm less than pleased. Ganging up and assaulting someone, even with something as silly as eggs, is thoughtless and cruel. Maybe the next time you run up to a stranger to hurl an egg in their face you'll realize too late that it's your sibling or grandmother.

So why do it, you mean-spirited ignorant twits? Find a more productive use of your time and eggs, and grow up. You're now on my list of enemies, you f**king dolts.

Update! Vocal Overkill Strikes Again!

You may recall that last week I went on a bit of a rant about the nine-member pop girl group SNSD. I even jokingly made up 12 members for a girl group I would like to start to compete with them. You know, because it's excessive, and funny as a result. But I must share something that has recently come to my attention.

Living in Korea, I've been familiar with the name "Super Junior" as a boy band that my students seem to like (mostly girls). I was only dimly aware of who they are: a popular group made up of young effeminate guys. But I was recently told how many members make up the group. Let me tell you ... (deep breath)

THIRTEEN! Holy Jesus Shit Basket! Wha- ...ba-...do you know what this means!? This means that my imaginary group - my deliberate exaggeration - still falls short of an actual Goddamn group! Thirteen! A baker's dozen! N Sync + New Kids on the Block + The Jonas Brothers!

I can't deal with this. My mind says it isn't real. I sorta recall seeing a music video of theirs in the past, and for whatever reason, it never donned on me that the group was that large. When I saw a crowd of dudes dancing together, my brain rejected the possibility that they were all the singers of the group.

And you know what's hilarious? When Super Junior debuted in 2005 there were only twelve members (only, ha ha). But in May of 2006 they added a thirteenth member. I guess the group felt incomplete. Yeah, something was missing and that thirteenth vocalist really sealed the deal. Did the twelve original members not have enough talent to get by? God, I don't know, it's all madness at this point.

So, in conclusion, when I was joking about nine girls singing together as a group, it turns out that the real joke was on me. Now I'm afraid that at any moment a co-worker or student is going to tell me about some forty-five member mega group that's been popular since the 90's.

Actually, since I just said forty-five, it'll probably be forty-six.

A Mouth in Flames and Animals that Rock Out

Two things I learned this weekend:

1) If a menu says that something is "very spicy", watch the eff out. I learned this the hard way when I ordered a seafood noodle dish that made this claim. I laughed and said to the waiter, "I care not for your warnings, food steward! Bring forth the spice!"

One mouthful later my brain ignited. I was immediately thrown into a hiccuping fit, and began sweating. I can't be sure, but I believe the main ingredient was lava. Because of this, I came nowhere near finishing it. I have never experienced anything like that before; it destroyed my mouth, gave me a terrible headache, and left me feeling like my stomach was filled with a pile of burning embers.

Don't let it happen to you! And also...

2) Korean teens like to dress up like animals for concerts. Girls, specifically. I was hanging around Olympic Park with friends on Sunday and witnessed thousands of people congregating for a Big Bang concert. Big Bang is a K-pop/ hip-hop group that all adolescent Korean girls are required by law to adore.

Almost every girl was either wearing or clutching some sort of Big Bang merchandise, but what was surprising was that many were dressed up in full-body costumes of animals. I saw girls dressed like dogs, bears, foxes, chickens, horses, cats, cows, and turtles. The costumes reminded me of something you'd see a baby doll wearing in a toy store, except full sized, and as far as I know dressing up like an animal has no connection to Big Bang at all.

I suppose its done out of childish fun and the pursuit for attention. But most importantly, if G-Dragon looks out into the audience to find a girl to bring up on stage, he's bound to notice a giant chicken.

Mitch & Roland: #50 Insult

I'm happy to present the 50th installment of Mitch and Roland. While not much has changed since the first several comics (besides minor tweaking), I hope, like me, you have become fond of these two idiotic characters.

Enjoy.

Now that you have been introduced to the game of Insult Chess, please challenge you friends to an impromptu match. You never know, in time it may become a national pastime.

Apocalyptic Harmony: When Too Much is Not Enough

Those following the blog will know that I recently shared my thoughts on a popular song from a new Korean pop group. Well I feel the need to tell you about another group that is gaining similar popularity. They are called Girls' Generation, or SNSD (So Nyeo Shi Dae).

I first saw them on TV in a bright colorful music video; typical of all-girl Asian pop music. I flipped to it mid song, so I wasn't really sure what was going on. I struggled for more than a minute trying to discern who the members of the group were and who were just back up dancers or extras. Who am I supposed to be focusing on, I thought. Then, suddenly, I realized that every girl on the screen was a singer in the group. How many girls, you ask?

NINE! Nine girls! I remember once thinking S Club 7 was overkill, now I realize there's no stopping the madness. Nine girls is not a pop group, it's a choir. They outnumber Snow White and her dwarfs.

I don't want to sound like I'm following a stereotype, but I dare you to watch the video for their video "Gee" and tell me that they don't all look alike. They're all skinny with the same build and long dark hair. They're all equally pretty, of similar heights, in the same age group, have interchangeable voices, and none play instruments. Even the Wonder Girls (5 girls) had the decency to have slightly different vocal styles.

What is the point of forming a group of nine girls who are all the same!? Would it be so hard to give one a buzz cut? Or force the ninth girl to beat box or something? I'm sure they have unique personalities, but that hardly comes across in a music video.

According to wikipedia, the leader of the group is Taehyeon. I'm assuming that means she usually stands in the center of the group and has the privilege of singing 3 lines of verse while the rest sing only 2.

Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy as hell? While researching this group I stumbled upon another pop group, this time from Japan, also with nine Goddamn girls, called ... "9nine". Wow, that's clever. I guess someone had already taken the name "Nine, there's nine of us. Nine!!"

Well, if this is the way the winds are blowing, then I would like to produce my own all-girl pop group to sweep the music world. It'll be made up of twelve, count 'em, twelve girls and I'll call them The Diva Dozen. But instead of making them all clones, they'll each have unique qualities. Here's a preview of the members I'm hoping to track down:

1) Jessica, the cute one, will be your classic all American girl, except she'll be from China. She will wear a cowboy hat at all times and spit when she sings.

2) Bonny, the aggressive one, will often smokes, give the other members dirty looks, and be sporting fresh stitches. She will have a Mohawk.

3) Angelica, the princess, will only wear the color pink. She should be constantly leading around a panda on a leash, preferably one that has been spray-painted pink.

4) Doreen, the sad one, will bring much needed sobbing to the performances. Her trademark will be singing inaudibly.

5) Faith, the talented one, will be a piano virtuoso, though none of the songs or performances will require her to play the piano.

6) Katie, the paranoid one, will giggle endlessly and sometimes frantically scrub her skin with Brillo pads. She will wear a sexy nurse outfit.

7) Tarralikitak, the exotic one, will be an Eskimo. She should spend most of the time in the music videos making snow angels. Her name means 'butterfly'.

8) Girtha, the obese one, will be obese. Her trademark will be obesity.

9) Mindy May, the stupid one, will often eat her microphone and look confused. She should be exceptionally beautiful and not want to wear pants.

10) Jessica M., the rebel, will be continuously confused with the other Jessica in the group. She will also be Chinese, but will have a goatee.

11) Tina, the gay one, will only rap about being a lesbian. She will wear a plaid top hat and several pounds of gold chain.

12) Melissa, the strange one, will constantly be battling drug addictions and be in and out of rehab. When not able to perform her position will be covered by two midgets stacked in a trench coat.

If the group isn't an immediate success, I'll add 5-10 more girls and see how it goes from there. You know what they say in the music business: more is more.