February 24, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #37 Penny
Hope y'all had a fine weekend, full of good times and laughter and police intervention. But as we turn to face another week of work and *sigh* responsibility, I give you another installment of Mitch and Roland where the consumption of inappropriate things is the theme.
February 22, 2008
The People Vs. Reason.
I heard about a couple who were dining at a restaurant and got into a heated argument. It resulted in the woman throwing a drink at her boyfriend, slipping on the spill, and suing the restaurant. And somehow, in the end, she won a huge cash settlement.
Obviously any sane thinking person can see that logic was bypassed in this situation. The sad part is that it's true. I hardly see how the restaurant could be responsible for what happened. The woman spilled the drink herself; the fact that she was at a restaurant is irrelevant. She purchased the drink, so therefore she was injured by her own property. If an employee had poured her drink on the floor and then shoved her to the ground....well then you have a lawsuit.
I mean honestly, what every happened to being responsible for your own actions? The woman caused a scene, made a mess, and acted irrationally in a public setting. As I can see, the manager should have kicked her out of his establishment, but somehow he ended up having to pay her. This woman deserved a bruised ass and not a penny more.
This sort of thing is happening far too often. Let's look at this hypothetical situation. Let's say a burglar broke into your home to steal from you. Now let's say that you have a dog, and that dog attacked the intruder and bit him. That thieving person could now technically sue you. The purpose of going to court is to find justice. If a dog attacks a burglar, that's an example of justice, but in our society it's twisted into an unjust act.
If someone deliberately breaks into my home to do harm to myself or family, and then ends up getting hurt, how is that my fault? If that'll happen I might as well kill the bastard. If I stab the intruder and slip and fall in his blood, can I sue his family? Can I be compensated for missed work if I hurt my back carrying his body to a river?
It's an extreme scenario, but it fits in perfectly with the "logic" of these cases. So if you hear a commotion in the night and you go downstairs to find a criminal with a broken leg, having tripped over your coffee table in the dark, and he shouts "I'm gonna sue!", well you just calmly pick up a baseball bat and say:
"Sue? SUE!? I'll give you something to sue about!!"
Also, as a bonus, you might take a mean splinter off the bat and be able to sue baseball.
Obviously any sane thinking person can see that logic was bypassed in this situation. The sad part is that it's true. I hardly see how the restaurant could be responsible for what happened. The woman spilled the drink herself; the fact that she was at a restaurant is irrelevant. She purchased the drink, so therefore she was injured by her own property. If an employee had poured her drink on the floor and then shoved her to the ground....well then you have a lawsuit.
I mean honestly, what every happened to being responsible for your own actions? The woman caused a scene, made a mess, and acted irrationally in a public setting. As I can see, the manager should have kicked her out of his establishment, but somehow he ended up having to pay her. This woman deserved a bruised ass and not a penny more.
This sort of thing is happening far too often. Let's look at this hypothetical situation. Let's say a burglar broke into your home to steal from you. Now let's say that you have a dog, and that dog attacked the intruder and bit him. That thieving person could now technically sue you. The purpose of going to court is to find justice. If a dog attacks a burglar, that's an example of justice, but in our society it's twisted into an unjust act.
If someone deliberately breaks into my home to do harm to myself or family, and then ends up getting hurt, how is that my fault? If that'll happen I might as well kill the bastard. If I stab the intruder and slip and fall in his blood, can I sue his family? Can I be compensated for missed work if I hurt my back carrying his body to a river?
It's an extreme scenario, but it fits in perfectly with the "logic" of these cases. So if you hear a commotion in the night and you go downstairs to find a criminal with a broken leg, having tripped over your coffee table in the dark, and he shouts "I'm gonna sue!", well you just calmly pick up a baseball bat and say:
"Sue? SUE!? I'll give you something to sue about!!"
Also, as a bonus, you might take a mean splinter off the bat and be able to sue baseball.
February 20, 2008
Jump Around
I'm here now to introduce a new feature of the blog that is powered by my love for movies. I call it "Movie Math". To give a quick rundown of the rules, we shall measure each movie on a scale of 0-100 points, but begin with 50 points to keep all films on a level playing field, adding and subtracting from there based on its merits or lameness. So come with me, won't you, as we sum up the value of various films. Today we tackle Jumper.
The hero of the film is played by Hayden Christensen, a person that seems to live in a charisma vacuum and is devoid of any, if not all, personality.....- 5 points.
Samuel L. Jackson plays the villian.....+ 7 points
Jumping sequences are edited deliberately to make the action disorienting.....- 12 points.
A double decker bus was used as a projectile..... + 5 points.
The song "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters was not used..... - 6 points.
The movie will almost certainly have a sequel, and it might be called something ridiculous like "Jumper: The Jumpening" or "Jump Harder"..... - 8 points.
The protagonist, instead of doing heroic things, mostly acts like a lazy douchebag..... - 10 points.
Did I mention that Samuel L. Jackson uses an electric grappling spear thing?..... + 11 points.
Equals.....32/100
The hero of the film is played by Hayden Christensen, a person that seems to live in a charisma vacuum and is devoid of any, if not all, personality.....- 5 points.
Samuel L. Jackson plays the villian.....+ 7 points
Jumping sequences are edited deliberately to make the action disorienting.....- 12 points.
A double decker bus was used as a projectile..... + 5 points.
The song "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters was not used..... - 6 points.
The movie will almost certainly have a sequel, and it might be called something ridiculous like "Jumper: The Jumpening" or "Jump Harder"..... - 8 points.
The protagonist, instead of doing heroic things, mostly acts like a lazy douchebag..... - 10 points.
Did I mention that Samuel L. Jackson uses an electric grappling spear thing?..... + 11 points.
Equals.....32/100
February 17, 2008
Mitch & Roland: #36 Date
Although it's several days late, I suppose this comic was inspired by Valentine's Day. Love is in the air, and who know what it might bring out in people...
Ready to Stumble
(The following was inspired by a sign I read on the wall in the hospital)
Do you find yourself filled with fear that the ground may come rushing towards you at any moment?
Are you filled with constant dread that you may lose your footing while carrying an armful of florescent bulbs?
You are not alone.
Everyday thousands upon dozens of people are falling without warning and without regulation sized helmets. Many people assume it will never happen to them, but did you know that someone falls and breaks a hip in North America every eleven days? How can I prevent this from happening to me, you ask? It's as simple as recognizing the warning signs:
Are you at risk???
-Do you walk for more than 40 seconds a day?
-Are you wearing two pieces of footwear that don't match?
-Are you drunk?
-Do you use water and other slippery fluids while showering?
-Are your shoelaces tied together, or not tied at all?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you are in the top ten percent of high risk fallers ( the low percentages being wheelchair bound and/or midgets). To avoid becoming another gruesome statistic, one should follow these simple guidelines:
-Never break your gaze from the ground while walking.
-If the traveling distance is short, crawl or shimmy to your destination.
-Replace all stairs in your home with slides.
-Wear three more layers of clothing than necessary to pad yourself. Or become obese.
-Use the buddy system! Get to where you're going while clutching to a friend for support.
Sadly, even the most prepared individual is still likely to fall from time to time. When about to fall it's best to aim for the nearest soft surface to minimize wounds, such as a pile of leaves, a bed, or a baby lamb. When it happens and you find yourself sprawled out on the pavement, be sure to follow this procedure to reduce injury and recover quickly.
1) Jerk your head left and right in quick snapping motions. If it feels like bones are broken, don't do that anymore.
2) Scream for help and claw desperately at the legs of any passerby.
3) Once the bleeding slows turn over onto your stomach and carefully raise up until you are on your hands and knees.
4) Crawl to an object that you may use use for standing support, such as a chair, a medium sized dog, or a rickshaw.
5) Once you are able to stand erect, survey the area and find the safest route to a hospital.
In this treacherous world of uneven surfaces and buttered socks, we must try to live with the fierce forces of gravity and recognize the inherent risk of walking from point A to B. We can reduce that risk with the simple choices we make everyday; whether it be going around the icy sidewalk, or not grasping at the glass cabinet when losing one's footing on a newly waxed floor.
Do you find yourself filled with fear that the ground may come rushing towards you at any moment?
Are you filled with constant dread that you may lose your footing while carrying an armful of florescent bulbs?
You are not alone.
Everyday thousands upon dozens of people are falling without warning and without regulation sized helmets. Many people assume it will never happen to them, but did you know that someone falls and breaks a hip in North America every eleven days? How can I prevent this from happening to me, you ask? It's as simple as recognizing the warning signs:
Are you at risk???
-Do you walk for more than 40 seconds a day?
-Are you wearing two pieces of footwear that don't match?
-Are you drunk?
-Do you use water and other slippery fluids while showering?
-Are your shoelaces tied together, or not tied at all?
If you answered yes to any of these, then you are in the top ten percent of high risk fallers ( the low percentages being wheelchair bound and/or midgets). To avoid becoming another gruesome statistic, one should follow these simple guidelines:
-Never break your gaze from the ground while walking.
-If the traveling distance is short, crawl or shimmy to your destination.
-Replace all stairs in your home with slides.
-Wear three more layers of clothing than necessary to pad yourself. Or become obese.
-Use the buddy system! Get to where you're going while clutching to a friend for support.
Sadly, even the most prepared individual is still likely to fall from time to time. When about to fall it's best to aim for the nearest soft surface to minimize wounds, such as a pile of leaves, a bed, or a baby lamb. When it happens and you find yourself sprawled out on the pavement, be sure to follow this procedure to reduce injury and recover quickly.
1) Jerk your head left and right in quick snapping motions. If it feels like bones are broken, don't do that anymore.
2) Scream for help and claw desperately at the legs of any passerby.
3) Once the bleeding slows turn over onto your stomach and carefully raise up until you are on your hands and knees.
4) Crawl to an object that you may use use for standing support, such as a chair, a medium sized dog, or a rickshaw.
5) Once you are able to stand erect, survey the area and find the safest route to a hospital.
In this treacherous world of uneven surfaces and buttered socks, we must try to live with the fierce forces of gravity and recognize the inherent risk of walking from point A to B. We can reduce that risk with the simple choices we make everyday; whether it be going around the icy sidewalk, or not grasping at the glass cabinet when losing one's footing on a newly waxed floor.
February 8, 2008
Stimulation Nation
Since returning from Korea I've noticed a jump in the popularity of energy drinks; a rise that must be something like 1300%. I recall trying a Redbull drink in its wee battery shaped can and thinking, "I don't get it". But now there are about two dozen brands being sold all over the place in containers the size of my thigh.
These drinks are being advertised to people "on the go", but we can all agree that the marketing of products for such people is utterly asinine (eg. Go-Gurt ). Adolescent boys are the ones drinking this stuff, but they don't need energy, and they aren't going anywhere. These are the last sort of jerk-offs you'd want to see all buzzed up. You thought ADD was common before? You ain't seen nothin'!
I'm writing this now as a concerned member of society with friends already caught in the mighty grip of energy drinks. I now present a breakdown of the warning signs that someone you know might be chugging a bit too much energy:
- They always appear to be blurry.
- They no longer drive to work, but instead choose to run.
- While speaking to them you always have to shout over the squeak and groan of their clenched teeth.
- They've sold their bed for a crate of pogo sticks.
- They're hooked up to an intravenous drip of Bawls.
- They return home from school with a dead rabbit in their mouth.
- They go missing for weeks at a time, sometimes returning covered in snow or foreign shrubbery.
- They've punched a turtle more than once.
- When you enter their field of vision they shriek and piss themselves.
These drinks are being advertised to people "on the go", but we can all agree that the marketing of products for such people is utterly asinine (eg. Go-Gurt ). Adolescent boys are the ones drinking this stuff, but they don't need energy, and they aren't going anywhere. These are the last sort of jerk-offs you'd want to see all buzzed up. You thought ADD was common before? You ain't seen nothin'!
I'm writing this now as a concerned member of society with friends already caught in the mighty grip of energy drinks. I now present a breakdown of the warning signs that someone you know might be chugging a bit too much energy:
- They always appear to be blurry.
- They no longer drive to work, but instead choose to run.
- While speaking to them you always have to shout over the squeak and groan of their clenched teeth.
- They've sold their bed for a crate of pogo sticks.
- They're hooked up to an intravenous drip of Bawls.
- They return home from school with a dead rabbit in their mouth.
- They go missing for weeks at a time, sometimes returning covered in snow or foreign shrubbery.
- They've punched a turtle more than once.
- When you enter their field of vision they shriek and piss themselves.
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