How To Birthday

Today marks the epic global holiday known as my birthday. 28 years ago today the Awesomeness Index read off the charts as I was birthed. Some say that a high frequency electromagnetic concussive blast occurred at the moment I entered this world and that everyone in the hospital suffered injuries from the "shock wave of wicked". The doctor himself was blinded from staring too long into the epicenter of the event. He regrets nothing.

If you wish to celebrate the day in true Shane-like fashion, please follow this traditional 3 step plan:

Step One: Be so awesome it fucking hurts.

Step Two: Shotgun a beer. Then shotgun a birthday cake.

Step Three: Pluck a star from the night sky and feed it to a panther. Then fight the panther to get it back.

Have fun!

Cine-Verse! Love and Other Witch Bureaus

As I try to settle on the most enjoyable way to review films for my blog I've decided on a more creative method: Poetry!

Settle down, settle down! So the basics are the same because I'm still writing about a handful of movies I watched recently for the first time. But this time it's gonna rhyme, dog. Enjoy.

Super 8 (2011)

This is skillful filmmaking; nostalgic and new,

Filled with monsters and mayhem, and mystery too.

The thing that impressed me, 'cause the order was tall,

Was the group of kid actors who don't suck at all

Harry Brown (2009)

An old quiet man loses all he holds dear,

And decides that he's through with living in fear.

The gangs on the street will pay for his pain,

For tonight vengeance goes by the name Michael Caine.

Season of the Witch (2011)

A crusade/buddy film about transporting a witch,

But this witch is a demon, now ain't that a bitch?

Bad lines, lousy fights, two actors who don't care,

And a plot that's thinner than Nic Cage's hair.

Midnight in Paris (2011)

An engaged man in Paris finds his life less sublime,

Goes walking at midnight and travels through time.

He finds the nights brighter, and filled with such folly

With Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Picasso, and Dali.

The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

A ballerina falls for a politician who can be trusted

But it seems that the MAN wants their future adjusted.

Magic doors, magic hats, and men without guns.

Look out, Matt Damon! Grab the fedora and run!

No Strings Attached (2011)

The girl from Black Swan, and the guy who says "dude".

A whole lotta bonin', and not that much nude.

A relationship forms and their lives feel complete

More so than just humping like rabbits in heat.

Love and Other Drugs (2010)

Sex without commitment that leads to true love.

It's the same damn story as the movie above.

It's like No Strings Attached with a bonus of tits,

Or some early version of Friends With Benefits.

Lobster Legs and the Fun Police

When I was out in the hot sun for several hours on Canada Day, I made a crucial mistake. I put sunscreen on my neck, my face, and my arms, ... but not my legs. Why should I bother? I figured my legs are all the way down there, how could the sun's harmful rays possibly reach them? It wasn't until I got home that I realized my legs had been boiled alive.

It's not so bad. I can still do stuff as long as it doesn't involve bending or moving my legs. If anyone needs me this week, I'll be over there, standing in a barrel of aloe.

Here's a picture I done took while I was out slow roasting my calves:

This sign amuses me. Not because it was trying to keep amateur circus acts off a very busy sidewalk, but because the sign shows a slash through a juggling figure, as if it were prohibiting fun itself. I kept hoping I would see some busker nearby being pinned to the ground and handcuffed by two cops, his violin crushed beneath him.

This Canada Day merriment was kept in line. Remember, if you're going to have a good time in Ottawa make sure it's by the books.