Watching TV for Free

After years of neglecting my needs I finally own a new flatscreen television. I waited so long that I actually feel the need to describe it as "flatscreen" even though it's the standard now. In any case, I'm now experiencing media in stunning high definition the way Santa Christ intended. It feels good. Real good.

I've paid for basic cable for years and have felt ripped off the whole time. Not because the content sucked, but because it felt overpriced based on what I watched, and how much. Why pay for around 60 channels when I'm only going to routinely watch 4 or 5?

I decided to try out a little DIY project that had been on my mind for a while: an over-the-air (OTA) digital antenna. With some simple household items and a few google searches, could I be watching TV for free?

I decided to test it out first with the simplest of designs. First I picked up a coaxial to antenna transformer at the dollar store for about $1.50. It looks likes this:

I taped some paperclips to that, attached some binder clips to those, stuck it to the wall, screwed the cable into the TV and searched for channels. I had immediate success with 2 channels. Not only were they coming in clear, it was beautiful 1080p HD clear. It's my understanding that analog TV signals were retired a while back, and now the standard is HD digital. "This is awesome", I exclaimed.

If some paperclips slapped together can pick up a few channels, what could I get with a more advanced antenna? The next design I tried involved aluminum foil. Following a fractal pattern I printed from the web, I cut out the aluminum foil and carefully inserted it into a plastic sleeve. Here was the final look:

The foil antenna picked up 5-6 channels. I was thrilled, but still not completely satisfied. Antennas work better the higher up they are, and my apartment is on the 15th floor. The Internet tells me that numerous channels are being transmitted in my area. My final design would have to be serious to get serious results.

I swung by a Home Depot and picked up a piece of wood, some steel wire, washers, and screws. Using another design I found online I measured out and built my very own bowtie antenna:

After fiddling with the positioning of the antenna and doing various channel scans, I began picking up 15-20 channels. Again, nearly all of them in HD. It's nice to have something so simple work out so well.

Of course, bad weather will occasionally mess with the signal and antennas have to be shifted around sometimes. I recommend giving it a shot ... but your success will depend on the reception of the channels broadcast near you. If you're interested, search out the reception in your area, and then you'll know if it's going to be worth your time to screw some coat hangers to boards.

So to wrap up, before I was paying around $50 a month for TV service, and now I'm enjoying all the same shows with an antenna that cost $10 to make. Between my homemade antenna, Netflix and the Internet, I feel like my TV needs are covered. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!

Would You Mayan If We Took Your Guns Away?

We did it, everyone! We survived the greatest Doomsday prediction of all time ... since that last one. I like that Doomsday scares are always wrong without fail. In a world filled with uncertainty, at least we can count on that. Pro Tip: Now's the time to buy your new Mayan calendar. They always get cheaper once the new calendar starts.

Yep, you'd think with the track record apocalyptic predictions have had, people wouldn't make a big deal each time, but here we are.

Speaking of not learning from the past ... the recent events in Connecticut have filled me with equal parts sadness and anger. This shit has got to stop. It's simply astounding to me that so many Americans refuse to acknowledge the connection between easy access to guns  and frequent deadly shootings. 

It's reported that there was a spike in gun sales in the days immediately following the shooting as people rushed out to stock up on semi-automatic weapons. Are you fucking kidding me, America? What part of "20 children were murdered with legally purchased weapons" don't you get? You'd think this would be a time of reflection and banding together to reduce the threat of gun violence. No. Instead it's a panic to buy as many guns as possible before someone takes them away. That would be like a rise in flights being sold on September 12th.

Apparently the American mindset it this: If I buy a gun my family is safe and I'm a true patriot. If I buy more guns my family is safer and more patriotic. If everyone in the neighbourhood buys guns, we are the safest, patriotic-est street in town. If everyone in the COUNTRY owns a gun, I am invincible and Jesus will descend from the clouds on a red, white, and blue eagle of justice and hand feed me an apple pie from a rifle-spoon.

As a group, Americans have an amazing ability to not learn from mistakes. You can present them with clear evidence of dangers their lifestyles cause and they still become more obese and more in debt and more heavily armed by the day. It's like watching a country slowly implode. 

Here's an idea. I've heard that some police officers in training have to experience being tased or pepper-sprayed to gain an appreciation for the weapons they may be forced to use one day. I don't know if it's a common practice, but some training academies do it. Why don't we apply a similar rule to owning a gun? You can own a gun, but you have to get shot first. Once for every gun you want and once more for every box of bullets.

It's not a solution to this problem, but maybe you would see a dramatic drop in gun sales. Which is what should have happened after Sandy Hook.

Biblical

If the Bible is so great, then why is the word "biblical" mostly used in negative ways. Most of the time when I hear this word it's being used to describe a massive natural disaster, like the recent Hurricane Sandy. Nobody describes a happy moment in their lives as biblical. You wouldn't say your wedding was biblical unless there were fire-tornados throwing frogs around. A more appropriate use of the word would be, "That new Nicki Minaj video was quite biblical."

Speaking of Nicki Minaj, aka "The Queen Bee of the Oompa Loompas", I saw one of her music videos for the first time recently. Holy hell, it was like being assaulted by bright colours and bulbous asses.

A friend who also saw the video commented, "I don't like her, she looks crazy and aggressive."

"How so?" I asked.

"Well just look at her face."

"She has a face!?" I exclaimed.

I can think of watching music videos a decade ago with friends and mocking them to no end, ranting and raving at the state of popular music. Sadly, pretty much any video I thought was over-the-top then seems tame now. Are things just going to get crazier and crazier like this forever?

Over the generations there's been a number of moments in music history that have shocked and offended people. Elvis gyrating his hips. Ozzy biting the head off a bat. Sinead O'Connor ripping up a picture of the pope. Madonna's oversexed image in the eighties. Janet Jackson's tit at the superbowl, ... etc. How many of these things seem like a big deal now?

Just wait until 2022 when some unfathomable "artist" with neon glowing hair and lazer nipples makes a music video where they literally have sex with a robot dragon made out of genitals, it will make Nicki Minaj and all those who came before her seem wholesome by comparison. If that's not what happens, it'll be something even crazier we haven't imagined yet. Something super biblical.

Cine-verse! American Beauty (1999)

**To the tune of The Brady Bunch Theme**

Here's a story of a screwy father

Who really wants to bone his daughter's friend.

He quit his job and now ... wants to get high.

He says he'll be dead in the end.

And here's a story of perfect mother.

Who really wants to be a true success.

She sleeps around and learns ... to shoot a handgun.

Turns out she emotionally a mess.

And here's a story of their really fucked up neighbours.

There's a boy and constant filming is his bag.

His mom is like a robot at the table.

His abusive father is afraid that he's a fag.

American! American! That's the beauty of being American!

8/10

Milestones

This is my 400th post and boy, how the time has flown. I suspect I should be able to get in 10 or 15 more posts before the Giant Space Worm devours us all or whatever it is people are worried the Mayans predicted. I didn't really pay attention during Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Not only that, but I've just finished my 50th list over at Five-O-Rama and it's a doozy. Have a look if you're interested in television and things that are awesome.

Cine-Verse! The Expendables 2 (2012)

Bullets and muscles and who do I see?

Why, it's Willis and Norris and Statham and Li.

Sylvester and Arnold and Dolph and Jean-Claude,

Each one of them a notable action film God.

They mow down the bad guys with showers of lead,

Leaving hundreds and hundreds of nameless foes dead.

They may fight for vengeance, or something like that.

But the story felt empty and personalities flat.

They crack boring jokes about being elite,

And stand around looking like grizzled old meat.

I enjoyed watching legends and stuff blowing up,

But was hoping for more than them just showing up.

7/10

Rollback Savings?

Walked by an "adult entertainment" store the other day and noticed a sign that was advertising dildos. Prices started at $1.87 an inch. I can't say I'm very familiar with the fake schlong market, so I don't know if that's a deal or not. But I was amused by the idea of buying dildos like buying a length of chain at a hardware store.

I wonder if they have a gigantic wooden spool of dick inside the store. You just unspool the desired amount of wang, hack off a piece, they cap a new head on it, box it, and awaaaaay you go.

But of course there are inherent dangers in keeping a mile of peen in stock:

"Lady, you best get away from that there spool! You get that thing excited and it'll slice the goddamned building in half!"

Defeated by Details

When talking to one of my coworkers today I remarked on their glasses:


"Nice glasses. Are those new?"


"No," she said, "I've had them since Junior High."

As you can tell, I'm not the kind of person to remember details. The only way that exchange could have gone worse would have been like this:


"Nice glasses. Are those new?"


"No. I was given these glasses at birth. They've been in my family for three generations, and I've worn them every day I've worked with you."


"Oh... cool."


I honestly feel like my brain has no capacity to remember features of the people around me. If you confronted me as I was leaving the office and asked me to describe one article of clothing I saw someone wearing at work I would draw a blank.


Deep down I'm afraid that one day I will be the key witness to some sort of crime and give the shittiest description of a human being the police have ever heard.


"So, do you remember what the suspect looked like?"


"Uh, sure."


"Can you describe them? Officer McConnell here will be using the information to create a sketch of their likeness."


"... Okay."

[Long pause]


"Whenever you're ready. First of all, was it a man or a woman?"


" ... I'm thinking."


"Anything at all will help. You're the only person who saw them."


"Um, I'm like 70% sure it was a guy. But don't quote me on that."


"... And?"


"And, I'm pretty certain they had a face."


"What was he wearing?"


"[Long exhale] ...gosh. I guess he or she was wearing a bunch of different articles of clothing. Or maybe it was a one-piece jumpsuit that had different colours. Or maybe his or her body was painted to look like clothes. It's hard to remember. It was pretty dark."


"It was mid-afternoon in the park."


" ... The sun was in my eyes?"


"That's it. You're under arrest for being a clueless shithead."

Cine-Verse! Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey (2011)

If you asked me if I was very fond of Elmo,

A famous muppet worn up to the elbow,

I would reply quickly with a confident "Hell, no!"

And proceed to compare him to shrieking red jello.

But below all that fur is a passionate man,

Who grew up doing voices, sewing puppets by hand.

It's a hobby that no one would dare to call bland,

But of course not an interest we all understand.

He practiced day and night on his creature creations,

And soon worked kids' shows on small TV stations.

The road to Sesame Street, well, it takes dedication,

And soon he earned Jim Henson's admiration.

I once thought Elmo was kind of a bore.

Just a "Tickle-Me" toy propped up in a store.

But's he's a symbol of love that millions adore,

And a hard working guy crouched down on the floor.

Screwy Brew

I'm sorry to say that since I've moved to Ottawa I've experienced some of the worst customer service and poor food preparation I've ever seen in my life. It seems these days that anytime I buy something to eat or drink, there's a high chance that something awful is about to happen. Let me give you some examples that have occurred over the last year ...

I bought a piece of lemon loaf at a coffee shop and after eating a couple bites and realizing something was wrong I flipped it over on the plate and found it was covered with fuzzy green mold.

I bought a loaf of bread from a local bakery and when I reached the halfway point of the loaf I discovered a giant fly cooked into one of the slices.

I picked up some chicken curry for takeout one night. For the next three days I was incapacitated with food poisoning.

Tried out a popular pizza place and was virtually ignored by the staff for the entire meal. A couple days later, I discovered the restaurant had overcharged my credit card, and I had to go back twice more to get the overcharged money back.

Bought pasta from a lunch shop, found long black hairs in it.


I should note that I'm not a dick of a customer. People would tell you that I'm a very calm, patient person. In situations such as these I never yelled at anyone, made a scene, or made crazy demands. I always try to act polite and friendly, and when situations like these come up I only ask for the issue to be resolved as reasonably as possible. Most times I've been met with indignation, rudeness, denial, or indifference. I don't really understand why. What ever happened to customer service? Or apologizing for a mistake? Or being attentive when preparing and serving food?

But I haven't even got to the worst part. Two months ago I bought a large latte from a coffee shop I've visited hundreds of times that's around the corner from my house. I brought the drink home, was sharing it with a family member when we suddenly realized the cup made a rattling noise when you tipped it from side to side. Confused? I was. We brought it to the sink and slowly poured out the rest of the coffee and discovered the following inside: 4 needles, 2 push pins, a thumbtack, 2 screws, and a plastic ring. ...!...

Don't believe me? I understand, I wouldn't believe it either, so here are the pictures.

Now it's one thing to find a hair in your pasta, it's another thing entirely to find a toolbox in your coffee. How does one let that happen? I immediately went back to the coffee shop to find out.

Turns out a bunch of pins and tacks for the coffee shop bulletin board was kept inside ... an espresso shot glass ... on a shelf ... with other espresso shot glasses. What a clever place to store your knick-knacks! And my drink was mistakenly prepared using said glass. It turns out that the barista had taken the transparent glass off the shelf, filled it with espresso, poured those contents into a paper cup, and added steamed milk, without ever noticing that it was filled with numerous sharp metal objects. Gwuh?

The employees were as shocked as I was, and apologized profusely. I was offered a drink of my choice, but strangely I had lost my appetite for coffee. On the bright side, I noticed the metal objects before swallowing a needle or choking to death. Yaaay!

I've come to the conclusion that either (A) Canadian businesses have lost all sense of professionalism or attentiveness ... or (B) I have the shittiest luck imaginable. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to cook at home more often, because I'm slowly eliminating all my choices outside.

Anyway, I've ranted enough. What do you think, people of the Internets? Has the food industry gone to shit? Have any horror stories of your own? Feel free to comment. If you need me I'll be over here panning my food for screws and nails.

Mitch & Roland: #66 Cinnamon

Ectorgasms

Mitch & Roland: #65 Cursed

Just Take The Compliment!

It's In My Hair! It's In My Hair!!

Yesterday I went out for a late evening walk and when I returned home I had a mini freak out.

As I came up the stairs to the second floor hallway I saw something bobbing through the air toward me and then whiz by my legs. I thought at first it was a bird that somehow got trapped indoors, but when it got to the end of the hall, turned, and gained altitude as it approached me, I knew it was no bird. It was a bat.

"Oh shit!" I cried out. My reaction next was less than manly. I behaved more like a frightened teenage girl from any horror movie when she is being pursued by some monster or killer or giant bloodthirsty bat.

I scrambled for my keys and ran for my apartment door, ducking and yelling each time the bat flew by my head. It continued to travel up and down the hall while I struggled to find the right key. My heart was pounding, my palms sweaty, and a leathery demon was on hall patrol.

So, anyway, I made it inside safely. I don't know how the bat ended up getting in the apartment building, and I didn't have the nerve to go back out and deal with it. I'll leave that for the other tenants. Yep, I'm a good neighbor. Great, even.

Sure it was a shocking experience, but didn't a young Bruce Wayne also have a similar traumatic bat-related situation? Does this mean that I too may also become a crime fighting hero? Does it mean I will dress up like the creature that frightened me so that I may strike fear in my enemies? Does it also mean that I like to jump to conclusions? One of those is probably true.

My Favorite Avenger Was Giant Head

Hello, Internet friends. I hope you've been well and keeping yourself out of trouble. Haven't had much to write or post about as of late, so apologies to those who might stop by and wonder why I've been a lazy knob. It's not like I haven't been trying. I'm always making notes for upcoming comic strips, but sometimes it's easy to procrastinate about actually putting pencil to paper.

I've seen plenty of movies lately, so I should probably start putting some poems together. Most recently I saw "The Avengers" and had a most excellent time. Here's a short poem about it:

Iron Man's red,
Captain America's blue,
The Avengers was awesome,
but 3-D was not essential to the experience.

Dang, I've lost my ability to rhyme. But you get the point. Even thought I didn't want to pay the extra couple bucks to wear two sets of glasses and watch a dimmer 3-D version of the film, I still had a great time. I was thoroughly entertained despite several things in the theater actively working to destroy my enjoyment of the experience. For instance, I ended up sitting in the most broken ass theater chair I've ever sat in. It seems to sit lower than normal and leaned significantly to the left.

On top of that, the world's third tallest man sat in front of me. His giant ugly head blocked about a sixth of the screen dead center and if there were any subtitles, I don't know what they said. I'd see Bruce Banner walk in one ear and the Hulk would walk out the other. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that they were the same character! It's okay, I thought, I can't risk finding a new seat and ending up sitting in the front row in the corner of this packed theater. After the first half hour, this guy will relax and ease into his seat and then I'll be able to see over his stupid skull.


Nope. Two and a half goddamned hours and this guy doesn't budge a millimeter. He sat in upright attention for the entire film like he had a board strapped to his spine. I'm getting a cramp in my ass from a broken seat and I'm sitting behind the one guy who never learned to slouch.

Additionally, sitting in the row behind me were a group of dipshits that everyone's ecountered at least once. They were confused, shocked, or delighted by something every 40 seconds or so. I know this because they audible expressed it at every opportunity. When they weren't laughing like lunatics, or gasping like exaggerated idiots, they were asking and answering each other's inane questions. If you have no concept of what a superhero movie is about, just keep it to yourself or stay the hell home!

Who's that guy? Where did he come from? Oh, that was risky jump. Is she working with them too? How did they get there? Why was that guy so upset? On and on and on. It was like watching a DVD where the special features were "Giant Head Mode" and "Rude Imbecile Commentary"

But, as I said, none of this bullshit actually prevented me from enjoying the film, which says a lot about it's entertainment quality. I highly suggest you check it out too, though I'd recommend you go early to find a seat that's not broken and then remove all the other chairs in a two seat radius around it.

Goodbye, Penny: Dreams Do Come True

Back in 2010 I wrote about my hate for pennies and how much I hoped they'd get phased out. They're ugly, annoying, and cost more to produce than they're worth. Well, if you haven't heard, the Royal Canadian Mint will stop producing new pennies later this year and then slowly they will fade away.

Actually, I don't expect them to disappear entirely for a long time. Your grandma will still try to pay for groceries with them somehow, and I estimate that we will continue to find them at the bottom of junk drawers for the next 150 years or so.

This is certainly a step in the right direction, and I know a lot of people share my dislike for the grimy little discs. I can live with the 5 remaining coins available, though I'd really like to see the two dollar bill come back. That won't ever happen, but I can still dream. Before the Toonie was introduced in 1996 it didn't take a lot of money to have bills on hand. I don't know about you but there was something more satisfying about paying for stuff with cash. It just feels more meaningful or "grown up" to flip through bills rather than fingering through handfuls of clunky coins, even if the value is the same. I still mourn the loss of that bill.

But that's just my five cents.

Cine-Verse! The Grey (2012)

Liam Neeson in a plane crash,

And it's 40 degrees below.

It's like Aslan in Alaska,

It's like Schindler in the snow.

The wild dogs are howling now,

There's no place left to go.

Even when souls are taken,

Ottway tries to lead the way

But he can't release a Kraken,

to keep the wolves at bay.

All he has are wits and will,

to extend his earthly stay.

Darkman would have used disguise,

Rob Roy would wield a sword,

 Or Qui-Gon Jinn would use the force,

To face the hairy hordes.

But all he has are frightened men,

And death can't be ignored.

Downloadable Free Time

Whatever Revs Your Search Engine

Go For the 1-UP

Looking on the Bright Side of Failure

Best Picture Roundup

It's that time of year again. Time to watch the Academy Awards ... and throw out your Christmas tree if you haven't yet. And you should, because now it's a fire hazard.

For hundreds of years there were always 5 nominees for best picture. That seemed like a reasonable, solid amount. But then to stir shit up, they switched to 10 nominees. Kind of fun, but also pointless. 10 nominees instead of 5 just means more losers.

Now the procedure, as I understand, involves choosing some number of nominees from 5-10 based on what the academy feels is appropriate. So this year we have 9, which I think we can all agree is much more manageable than 10. So let's see which movies were selected. Spoilers!

The Descendants: Some people say George Clooney deserves to win best actor for looking especially old and upset in Hawaii. I say this movie is a paint by numbers somber family drama. I feel like I've seen it all before.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: Didn't see this movie because it didn't really grab my attention. I guess it wasn't quite loud or close enough, huh? Also, didn't this just come out like a week ago? Way to wait until the last minute, ELAIC.

The Help: Here's everything you need to know about this movie: a maid gets revenge on an evil bitch by tricking her into eating a pie made with shit. The more surprising part is that she is such a good cook that the evil woman doesn't realize what she's eating until she's told several times. Also, something about overcoming racism.

Hugo: Don't let the trailers fool you. This movie isn't about an automaton causing chaos in a train station. It's more about remembering and honoring the passion of classic cinema. It's also in 3D, which is a modern slap in the face to classic cinema. Okay, I saw this in the theater and it was very good, and the 3D looked good, but the gimmick wasn't essential to the experience, which is the case for basically every 3D movie I've seen. Most of the time you forget the film is in 3D until a character points something at the camera. Fun fact: This is Martin Scorsese's 11th movie with Sacha Baron Cohen.

Moneyball: Finally a movie that brings together the thrilling elements of baseball and math. If I could describe this movie in two words it would be "pleasantly mediocre".

Midnight in Paris: A very strange and charming film by Woody Allen that has elements of time travel. And get this, ... it takes place in Paris. You'll have to watch the film yourself to find out what time of day though.

The Tree of Life: I would have watched this movie, but was warned specifically by friends not to. From my understanding it's wicked long and artsy, like a painted wang. I guess it has dinosaurs in it, and Brad Pitt, but for some reason the movie isn't about Brad Pitt riding a dinosaur and fighting crime. So forget it.

War Horse: This movie is the epic conclusion to the Horse Trilogy that started with Seabiscuit and Secretariat. I didn't see it, but glancing briefly at the poster tells me that it's about a horse that falls in love with a boy and then single-hoofedly wins WWI.

The Artist: I saved this one for last because this is the one I think will take the prize. And it deserves to. It's simple and beautiful, and like Hugo it celebrates cinema's past. Plus, it was downright ballsy to make a silent film, and I love that they took that kind of risk.

Time Out

The Bad Humor Man

A Rainbow of Blind

Sudden Mario Syndrome

Man Meets Book

I went to get a bagel on my break at work. I was hungry, which is the case 92% of the time. I went to a nearby  cafe/ soup & sandwich shop. I was told that I could not have a bagel because, "Now we're making lunch."

Hmm. Well, I don't understand. Are you out of bagels?


No, but we've shut down the toaster and now we're serving sandwiches for lunch.


Uh ... what? 

Yes, it's a stupid thing to complain about, but why couldn't they sell me a bagel? It's not like I asked for hash browns and a Spanish omelet made with quail eggs. It's a piece of bread. You're already making sandwiches, why not just make me a round one? Oh, I'm sorry, you shut down the toaster. What was I thinking? God forbid you plug it back in. But what's the point, since you've already retired all the knives for the day.

Sometimes people just baffle me. Take this situation for example ...

I was at the grocery store the other day and was wandering aimlessly near the magazines when some guy approached me with this question: "Excuse me. What are these for?"

The man gestured to the racks filled with magazines and books.

I thought carefully before I spoke, because there was a good chance I had just been given a trick question by an undercover actor on some reality show I'd never heard of called Stupid Question Surprise Hour.

" ... They're for reading." I answered carefully. And the man seem satisfied with that, thanked me, and moved on. I assume he eventually left the store once someone taught him about "doors".

What are these books for? Really? That's like being asked what pencils do, or what stairs are for. Actually I've been asked that last question before, but from a little kid. Completely baffling questions are to be expected from children without fully developed brains. I don't expect them from middle aged men in the supermarket.

Thoughts on Donuts

1. This first thing is really a note to donut sellers. If you have the urge to put a donut in a tiny paper bag, ... don't. The only thing sadder than finding a donut stuck upside-down inside the bag is losing 75% of the frosting when you pull it out. Always put a donut on a plate, inside a box, or at the very least, a flat bottom bag. Face up! I ordered a chocolate dipped donut. I didn't order a plain donut with a chocolate paper sleeve.

2. Did you know that donut comes from an old Dutch word meaning "dessert bagel"? Did you also know that there are three main types of donuts? Well, let me tell you. There are three divisions in the donut family (that I made up).

• Topulus: These are donuts with some sort of decorative and sweet topping on the upper hemisphere of the donut. It could be a type of frosting, sauce, sprinkles, or nuts for example.
• Fillohm: These are donuts with a central holding space for jelly, jam, cream, or custard. It also is made up of donuts with some other fruit filling cooked into the dough, like an apple fritter.
• Glazorai: These are donuts with a complete coating of the outer surface area by a powdered sugar or glaze. You know you're eating a glazorai when there is no conceivable way to hold the donut without becoming sticky or dusted for prints.

Where do old-fashioned plain donuts fit into these categories? Let me put it this way: you wouldn't call an empty pie crust a pie, so I don't think a plain donut qualifies as a donut.

3. It occurred to me one day that we live in a world with "all-dressed" potato chips, and "everything" bagels, but why is there no such thing as an "everything" donut? We need to maximize the potential here. Observe this diagram:

As you can see the three divisions of donuts occasionally overlap. For example, where glazorai and fillohm meet we can find a powdered jelly donut. Or when topulus and fillohm join forces they create something like a chocolate covered eclair. But a donut has yet to be created that appears in the golden zone where all three overlap.

Someday I dream of drinking a coffee and enjoying an uber-donut. A giant beast of a donut that's been glazed, powdered, dipped, sprinkled, and stuffed with five different fillings (chocolate, vanilla, maple, jelly, and Boston cream).

4. Hell, it's about time we start making gigantic donuts and delivering them to homes like pizzas. You could even use the same boxes, just make them taller. Imagine the delight on the faces of kids across the country when dad comes home with a huge birthday cake-sized uber-donut still hot from the fryer and sizzling away in its insulated box. But be careful, Jimmy, that custard is scalding. And don't forget to save a slice of the cruller side for your sister. You know she doesn't like having to pick off all the sprinkles one at a time.

5. I wonder if donuts sales would be negatively affected by marking how many calories each donut has on top of them with icing. Would it have the same effect (or no effect) as marking packs of cigarettes with gross pictures of cancerous lungs? I mean, how would you feel if the donut you just bought had "300" clearly written on it to show how many calories you're about to eat? Would you not it eat? Would you regret not getting the "250" calorie donut instead?

Of course icing each donut with that nutritional information would be a lot of extra work and it's bound to lead to this scenario:

Which brings me to another point. How can you accurately mark the number of calories in a donut when the act of marking them adds to the total calories? I call this problem ...

The Decorated Donut Calorie Conundrum

It seems like the only way to do it involves trial and error. But the process could be made easier by writing numbers with only short straight lines like you'd see on a digital clock. If we imagine hypothetically that a short length of icing is 1 calorie, then you'd know how many calories each digit will add. For example, "1" = 2 calories, "2" = 5 calories, "3" = 5 calories as well, and so on.

If a donut was 300 calories, you couldn't just write "300" on it, because you would have added 17 calories in the process. But you couldn't write "317" instead because that number gives the donut a total calorie count of 310.

So, like I said the best method is trial and error. I discovered that a 300 calorie donut could be marked as "312" and also have exactly 312 calories.

Perhaps if more research went into this problem a mathematical formula could be created to discover which icing numerals would pair best with specific base calorie amounts and still match up. Perhaps the formula could have real world applications that benefit mankind.

Then again, it's only donuts.

A Whole Half Decade

Happy New Year, and salutations to you all. With the dawn of 2012 comes another important date: the five year anniversary of the very blog you're reading. Hoorah!

There have been ups and downs, redesigns, malfunctions, and plenty of creative outlets and projects (not all of which succeeded). But I've stuck with this little blog since 2007 and that takes some amount of commitment. To put it into perspective, Turnipism has lasted longer than the equivalent of twenty-five Kardashian marriages. Let that information sink in.

To celebrate this occasion I thought I would look back and pick out some various highlights of things I've written, drawn, or folded over the years. Yes, it's a shameless self promotion, but hopefully I can encourage newcomers to explore the backlog of material, or for dedicated readers to relive the memories. Join me, won't you?

2007

- My very first Mitch and Roland comic. Little did I know that they would eventually become mascots for the site. Behold the crudeness of that first drawing!

- Love hearing someone gripe? I made observations about life in Korea and ranted on topics such as public washrooms, the abuse of pizza, and China's heavenly foods.

- I'm proud of myself for writing the line "I'd still ride down a mountain of nuns on a toboggan made of children just for a chance to see it again." It was for my awesome movie trailer.

2008

- 2008 was an important year because it's when I started the sister blog, Five-O-Rama, to compile all sorts of random bits of information into easily digestible groups of five. Some good friends got involved and now it's a group effort to educate the masses about anything from favorite movies to unhealthiest fast food; from most spectacular mustaches to most famous sandworms. It's got something for everyone and I highly recommend checking it out.

- I also found time to rant about a number of topics like knock-off DVD's, Daylight Savings Time, and illogical lawsuits.

2009

- Do you know the dangers of Ice Fog? No? Well, how about the dangers of time machines? Or the dangers of excessive skin care? Well, listen up. I'm here to educate as well as entertain.

- I shared some videos of other hobbies of mine, like origami and paper cup stacking. Be in awe of my misuse of free time.

- To compete with the excessively large girl and boy groups that make up the K-Pop music industry, I made plans to form a ultra mega super group called the Diva Dozen.

2010

- As we delved deeper into my origami obsession I challenged myself to fold the smallest paper crane possible. How small did I manage? You'll have to click another link to find out.

- In March I had some fun writing parodies to songs by Katy Perry, Billy Joel, and Ke$ha. They are best enjoyed by singing along at your maximum achievable volume.

- In case you think everything was hunky-dory that year, I still had plenty of things to bitch about like filthy coins, smokers, and a refrigerator from hell. Spoiler alert!: They all suck.

2011

- In June I decided to become a vegetarian for the month as a way of challenging/ abusing myself. It was ... interesting.

- Between watching movies and making games about them, I also started writing poems about them. More of those are on the horizon, by the way.

- I know it was only a few months ago, but if you love Halloween and werewolves then please take a gander at this comic I drew frantically over a few days.

Anyway, Happy New Year, everybody! Here's to another 12 months or so before the world is obliterated by some catastrophe the Mayans foretold. I haven't done the research myself, but I hope it's zombies.