Well, it's been fun.
As this eighth year of Turnipism comes to a close I've decided to shut this mother down. Okay, ... I'm not angrily slamming the doors and deleting the whole shebang. It's more like I'm setting the blog free into the wild and driving off in my sweet limited edition custom hover-car.
Since new content on this blog has been less and less over the last couple years, I figured that I might as well make it official and declare this project complete. All this writing and drawing and ranting has been fun. Therapeutic, even. I hope that I entertained you from time to time. And I hope that one of those times you laughed while eating and blew spaghetti out your nose.
Even though I will not be updating this blog any longer, I am not disappearing entirely. I plan to work towards revitalizing this blog's sister site by writing more lists for Five-o-Rama. And, for anyone interested in more of my creative outlets, I have been frequently sharing my origami efforts on Instagram which can be found here.
To everyone who stopped by and read my nonsense throughout the years, I truly appreciate it. I know you don't need the reminder, but you're pretty damn cool. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for reading.
Showing posts with label Words. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Words. Show all posts
December 28, 2014
August 14, 2014
Goodbye, Mr. Williams
It's difficult and shocking for the world to lose someone as talented and amazing as Robin Williams. It's even more shocking to lose him in this manner. For my entire life he been an icon of comedy and boundless enthusiasm. It's just so hard to reconcile that persona with this untimely end. Who could ever imagine a light that bright would extinguish itself?
I won't lie, these last few days I've found myself on the verge of tears several times. Since his passing the Internet has been abuzz with stories and memories shared of the movies we grew up loving, and the impact he had on our lives. The more I think of it, the more it rings true; for many of us he was our childhood.
The first movie I can recall seeing at the theatre without my parents was Aladdin. I watched it with friends and can still remember the pure excitement and magic I felt when the Genie was introduced. My eyes were glued to the screen and I laughed my goddamned pants off.
For years my family owned a copy of Good Morning, Vietnam but I couldn't watch it until much later because the VHS cassette had broken. I finally took it upon myself to Frankenstein it back together with other cassette pieces and it was the only time I can think of making that sort of effort to see a film. Finally being able to watch it was like finding treasure.
I remember reading an issue of Disney Adventures magazine and discovering that Robin and myself shared the same birthday. I was thrilled to have that connection - any connection - to his larger-than-life personality.
I remember going over to a friend's house to watch Hook. I remember being blown away by Dead Poets Society in high school. I remember watching his stand up specials in university more times than I can count.
There's no doubt that Robin Williams made a mark on us all. We grew up with his characters, his performances, his spirit. As heartbroken as we feel now, we should be happy for those memories and find comfort in that.
Goodbye, Mr. Williams. We'll cherish the gifts you've given us.
I won't lie, these last few days I've found myself on the verge of tears several times. Since his passing the Internet has been abuzz with stories and memories shared of the movies we grew up loving, and the impact he had on our lives. The more I think of it, the more it rings true; for many of us he was our childhood.
The first movie I can recall seeing at the theatre without my parents was Aladdin. I watched it with friends and can still remember the pure excitement and magic I felt when the Genie was introduced. My eyes were glued to the screen and I laughed my goddamned pants off.
For years my family owned a copy of Good Morning, Vietnam but I couldn't watch it until much later because the VHS cassette had broken. I finally took it upon myself to Frankenstein it back together with other cassette pieces and it was the only time I can think of making that sort of effort to see a film. Finally being able to watch it was like finding treasure.
I remember reading an issue of Disney Adventures magazine and discovering that Robin and myself shared the same birthday. I was thrilled to have that connection - any connection - to his larger-than-life personality.
I remember going over to a friend's house to watch Hook. I remember being blown away by Dead Poets Society in high school. I remember watching his stand up specials in university more times than I can count.
There's no doubt that Robin Williams made a mark on us all. We grew up with his characters, his performances, his spirit. As heartbroken as we feel now, we should be happy for those memories and find comfort in that.
Goodbye, Mr. Williams. We'll cherish the gifts you've given us.
May 3, 2014
The Line
On my way to work I often will pick up my morning coffee at Tim Hortons, as is required of all Canadians by law. Because my commute is long and unpredictable I will sometimes be pressed for time when I get in the lineup.
Invariably when the clock is ticking, the people in front of me are ordering huge quantities of food and drink. When they break out a list of items and begin ordering for 900 people at J.Q. Dumptruck and Sons, I want to begin punching everyone.
Or if they aren't ordering for the entire office, it's just one tedious and complicated order for themselves: "Can I get a large coffee with 2 and a half sugars, one cream and one milk ... no, better make that one cream and two milk. Please don't stir it, and I'm going to need a double cup with the lid on the side. Can I get a tray for that? I'll get one wheat fruit muffin heated up and make a small incision on the top and put one teaspoon of butter - can you do half butter, half margarine? - okay, do a teaspoon of that into the muffin hole. I'll need that in a separate bag and you can put that on the tray too. You know what, though? I'm not feeling the fruit muffin, do you have just a bran muffin? Oh, you already started heating the other one. Don't worry, don't worry. On second thought, I really would rather the bran muffin. Really? Thanks a lot. Look, I don't mean to be a pest but I think I saw you stir my coffee. I specifically requested - yes, I know but... would you be able to give me fresh one? I meant to ask you to make the coffee after the muffin anyway. Now tell me, what kind of yogurts do you have?"
Seriously, it's enough to make me want to ram the person out of the line and go, "Here's two dollars. I want a medium black coffee. And here's fifty dollars if you never serve this self-absorbed jackass again!"
As stupid as that longwinded order was, I based most of it on shit I actually had to listen to. God bless these employees that put up with it day in and day out, but we seriously need a separate line for these twits. Hell, just keep a pot of coffee by the door with empty cups and a place to drop off money and I'm all set.
Last week when I was in line I saw a discarded handwritten note on the counter from an earlier customer that said "CHEESE CREAM BAGEL". For some reason that cracked me up because that's all that was written down. Was someone actually struggling to remember that order for a friend? Plus writing it as "cheese cream" instead of "cream cheese" makes it sound grosser for some reason, and as if the concept was alien to them.
I like to imagine that the guy waited in line for several minutes clutching this note until it was finally their turn and they ordered.
"Okay sir, and what kind of bagel would you like?"
Beads of sweat form on his brow. He looks down at the note again, his hands are now trembling. He checks the other side of the paper but there are no other instructions.
"Uh..." he swallows. Another few awkward moments pass and then he drops the note on the counter and bolts for the door.
About time, I think, and take another step forward.
Invariably when the clock is ticking, the people in front of me are ordering huge quantities of food and drink. When they break out a list of items and begin ordering for 900 people at J.Q. Dumptruck and Sons, I want to begin punching everyone.
Or if they aren't ordering for the entire office, it's just one tedious and complicated order for themselves: "Can I get a large coffee with 2 and a half sugars, one cream and one milk ... no, better make that one cream and two milk. Please don't stir it, and I'm going to need a double cup with the lid on the side. Can I get a tray for that? I'll get one wheat fruit muffin heated up and make a small incision on the top and put one teaspoon of butter - can you do half butter, half margarine? - okay, do a teaspoon of that into the muffin hole. I'll need that in a separate bag and you can put that on the tray too. You know what, though? I'm not feeling the fruit muffin, do you have just a bran muffin? Oh, you already started heating the other one. Don't worry, don't worry. On second thought, I really would rather the bran muffin. Really? Thanks a lot. Look, I don't mean to be a pest but I think I saw you stir my coffee. I specifically requested - yes, I know but... would you be able to give me fresh one? I meant to ask you to make the coffee after the muffin anyway. Now tell me, what kind of yogurts do you have?"
Seriously, it's enough to make me want to ram the person out of the line and go, "Here's two dollars. I want a medium black coffee. And here's fifty dollars if you never serve this self-absorbed jackass again!"
As stupid as that longwinded order was, I based most of it on shit I actually had to listen to. God bless these employees that put up with it day in and day out, but we seriously need a separate line for these twits. Hell, just keep a pot of coffee by the door with empty cups and a place to drop off money and I'm all set.
Last week when I was in line I saw a discarded handwritten note on the counter from an earlier customer that said "CHEESE CREAM BAGEL". For some reason that cracked me up because that's all that was written down. Was someone actually struggling to remember that order for a friend? Plus writing it as "cheese cream" instead of "cream cheese" makes it sound grosser for some reason, and as if the concept was alien to them.
I like to imagine that the guy waited in line for several minutes clutching this note until it was finally their turn and they ordered.
"Okay sir, and what kind of bagel would you like?"
Beads of sweat form on his brow. He looks down at the note again, his hands are now trembling. He checks the other side of the paper but there are no other instructions.
"Uh..." he swallows. Another few awkward moments pass and then he drops the note on the counter and bolts for the door.
About time, I think, and take another step forward.
January 24, 2014
Canada's Worst Export
Breaking news, people. Put down the ice cream and pay attention. I hope you're sitting down, or at least leaning against something sturdy. Yes, the refrigerator will do. Again, please put down the ice cream. Okay... Justin Bieber has been arrested.
Okay, calm down, calm down. He's already been released on bail, but that doesn't change the fact that he was arrested for a DUI and it's probably because he's a cocky, reckless shithead. I'm upset too. I'm happy when a Canadian achieves worldwide success, but I'm sad when they turn out to be a complete tool. Belieb me when I say, Justin is a world class tool, and we can only apologize so much.
When he's not busy on stage performing bad songs via mediocre singing and dancing, Justin enjoys abandoning pet monkeys in Europe, or spitting on his fans from a balcony. He's also keen on injuring people with his car, urinating on camera, getting busted for possession, and visiting brothels in South America. He's the world's busiest douchebag.
Earlier this month Beiber egged his neighbour's house and apparently did thousands of dollars worth of damage. Thousands? Was he using a catapult to hurl ostrich eggs, or was he wielding some rapid fire quail egg gatling gun?
Soon after this childish attack the police searched his home for evidence of the vandalism. Did they stumble upon hundreds and hundreds of egg cartons with incriminating fingerprints? No. Unless he was cracking eggs into his hands, pocketing the shells, and throwing raw goo, all the evidence was left at the scene of the attack. You see? It's the perfect crime. You're a sly one, Bieber. And watch out Los Angeles Sheriff's Department, you may be in for the teepee-ing of a lifetime.
With all his bullshit, I don't blame Americans for wanting to deport him. But do you honestly think Canada wants him back either? Can't we find a happy compromise and banish him to the ocean or something? Just let him float through the icy expanse like some lonely Beiberg? Yeah. I like the sound of that.
Enjoy the North Atlantic, Justin. Hope you packed more than just a goofy hat and a wife-beater. Remember, you can't survive on swag alone.
Okay, calm down, calm down. He's already been released on bail, but that doesn't change the fact that he was arrested for a DUI and it's probably because he's a cocky, reckless shithead. I'm upset too. I'm happy when a Canadian achieves worldwide success, but I'm sad when they turn out to be a complete tool. Belieb me when I say, Justin is a world class tool, and we can only apologize so much.
When he's not busy on stage performing bad songs via mediocre singing and dancing, Justin enjoys abandoning pet monkeys in Europe, or spitting on his fans from a balcony. He's also keen on injuring people with his car, urinating on camera, getting busted for possession, and visiting brothels in South America. He's the world's busiest douchebag.
Earlier this month Beiber egged his neighbour's house and apparently did thousands of dollars worth of damage. Thousands? Was he using a catapult to hurl ostrich eggs, or was he wielding some rapid fire quail egg gatling gun?
Soon after this childish attack the police searched his home for evidence of the vandalism. Did they stumble upon hundreds and hundreds of egg cartons with incriminating fingerprints? No. Unless he was cracking eggs into his hands, pocketing the shells, and throwing raw goo, all the evidence was left at the scene of the attack. You see? It's the perfect crime. You're a sly one, Bieber. And watch out Los Angeles Sheriff's Department, you may be in for the teepee-ing of a lifetime.
With all his bullshit, I don't blame Americans for wanting to deport him. But do you honestly think Canada wants him back either? Can't we find a happy compromise and banish him to the ocean or something? Just let him float through the icy expanse like some lonely Beiberg? Yeah. I like the sound of that.
Enjoy the North Atlantic, Justin. Hope you packed more than just a goofy hat and a wife-beater. Remember, you can't survive on swag alone.
January 20, 2014
Cinema 2013
Now that I'm finally caught up on most of the movies I wanted to see from 2013, thought I would do a quick rundown of my ten favourites from last year.
10. Spring Breakers
Repulsive and hypnotic at the same time, this movie most certainly made me feel like a pervert watching it. Even more so that I ended up liking it. It has some memorable sequences (such as the piano montage or the restaurant robbery) and the movie continually caught me off guard. It's not gonna win any Oscars, but I appreciate the insanity of it all.
9. American Hustle
Solid performances all around, a killer soundtrack, and some hilarious moments grabbed this movie a spot on the list. With a cast like this, it's no wonder there's already awards buzz. Amy Adams gave a great performance, and every scene between Bradley Cooper and Louis CK was gold.
8. Evil Dead
I have endless love for the original Evil Dead movies, and this "reboot" paid proper homage to the series without seeming like a copy. The movie sidestepped the campy goodness of Ash, and chose a more hardcore horror path. But it still worked for me. It had fantastic practical gore effects, and legitimately scary moments. While it mirrored key scenes and style elements of the original, this film carved it's own bloody path down a darker road.
7. The World's End
This final installment nicely rounds out the bizarre and hilarious "Cornetto Trilogy". While the final act of the movie felt week compared to the rest, it's anything but boring. It starts as a solid drama before diving headfirst into a sci-fi beat-'em-up. I've never seen anything quite like it.
6. The Way Way Back
A movie filled with painfully real characters playing out some painfully real moments. But it was entertaining and funny as heck too; Sam Rockwell had my laughing harder than most comedies last year, and Steve Carell nailed his performance as "douchebag boyfriend". If you enjoyed the likes of "Little Miss Sunshine" but wish it had more water parks, I would give this one a go.
5... For a look at my top five, check out my annual movie list over at Five-o-rama. That's right. This was all a scheme to lead you over there. Bwa-ha-ha!
Also, with the Academy Award nominations recently announced I'll share my predictions for some of the key awards:
Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Best Supporting Actor:
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Best Actor:
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Best Director:
Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity
Best Film:
American Hustle
You heard it here first.
10. Spring Breakers
Repulsive and hypnotic at the same time, this movie most certainly made me feel like a pervert watching it. Even more so that I ended up liking it. It has some memorable sequences (such as the piano montage or the restaurant robbery) and the movie continually caught me off guard. It's not gonna win any Oscars, but I appreciate the insanity of it all.
9. American Hustle
Solid performances all around, a killer soundtrack, and some hilarious moments grabbed this movie a spot on the list. With a cast like this, it's no wonder there's already awards buzz. Amy Adams gave a great performance, and every scene between Bradley Cooper and Louis CK was gold.
8. Evil Dead
I have endless love for the original Evil Dead movies, and this "reboot" paid proper homage to the series without seeming like a copy. The movie sidestepped the campy goodness of Ash, and chose a more hardcore horror path. But it still worked for me. It had fantastic practical gore effects, and legitimately scary moments. While it mirrored key scenes and style elements of the original, this film carved it's own bloody path down a darker road.
7. The World's End
This final installment nicely rounds out the bizarre and hilarious "Cornetto Trilogy". While the final act of the movie felt week compared to the rest, it's anything but boring. It starts as a solid drama before diving headfirst into a sci-fi beat-'em-up. I've never seen anything quite like it.
6. The Way Way Back
A movie filled with painfully real characters playing out some painfully real moments. But it was entertaining and funny as heck too; Sam Rockwell had my laughing harder than most comedies last year, and Steve Carell nailed his performance as "douchebag boyfriend". If you enjoyed the likes of "Little Miss Sunshine" but wish it had more water parks, I would give this one a go.
5... For a look at my top five, check out my annual movie list over at Five-o-rama. That's right. This was all a scheme to lead you over there. Bwa-ha-ha!
Also, with the Academy Award nominations recently announced I'll share my predictions for some of the key awards:
Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Best Supporting Actor:
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Best Actor:
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Best Director:
Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity
Best Film:
American Hustle
You heard it here first.
January 13, 2014
Fork vs. Ford
In recent news New York Mayor Bill de Blasio was caught eating pizza with a knife and fork, and apparently that was upsetting to some voters. There was even the word "Forkgate" being thrown around. What's next, people? Throw him out of office if he accidentally wears mismatched socks?
If there are actual New Yorkers who are upset by the eating habits of their Mayor, they really need to get a grip on reality. How does it matter at all? I wouldn't care if he ate steak with chopsticks, or rice pudding with his bare hands.
Besides, living in Toronto this year has taught me what a true mayoral scandal can be. Rob Ford has already let us know about his eating habits, and I don't think he's using hands or utensils. If the worst thing our Mayor does this month is eat lunch with cutlery, I'd say things are going swell.
In order for other cities to compete in the same scandal realm as Ford they would have to admit to drunk driving through a school playground, or committing adultery on a roller coaster, or eating a baby panda on live television. Eating pizza with a fork? That's not a scandal, it's not even worth calling a faux pas.
January 10, 2014
Deep Freeze Dangers!
Between last month's blackouts across the city after the ice storm, and this week's minus 40-ish frozen hellscape, I think I've already had my fill of winter. But we may just be getting started.
Here's a list of the greatest dangers you will face in this treacherous season. Being aware of these dangers may be key to you and your family's survival, so take notes.
Here's a list of the greatest dangers you will face in this treacherous season. Being aware of these dangers may be key to you and your family's survival, so take notes.
- When using cold public toilets always quickly dive to the floor in order to avoid a possible blast of frozen fecal shards.
- Wearing scarves may keep your neck toasty, but be careful not to leave the ends dangling freely in the wind as they may become caught in tree branches, or be grabbed by greedy passing motorists.
- Hot drinks may warm you up, but don't exceed five a day. Apple Cider Overdose is real and it may look festive, but it's not pretty.
- When walking outside in strong winds, never yawn with an uncovered mouth. The wind may inflate you like a balloon. The cold wind may also cause discomfort to sensitive teeth, but that first thing could happen too I bet.
- Rapid changes in body temperature can cause the human body to crack apart. When coming indoors after extended periods outside, always transition by sitting inside the fridge for 10 minutes.
- To prevent slips on icy sidewalks, try walking closer to the road where the snow drifts will offer more traction. Also, keep your center of gravity low by crawling.
- Your face is the most vulnerable part of your body with windchill warnings. Invest the time in growing a beard. For women: wear your jacket backwards with the hood up and have a bearded man lead you to your destination.
- When the weather is cold enough for you to see your own breath, this is actually part of your soul trying to escape and find a warmer location. Hold your breath more.
January 6, 2014
Wheel of Forever
How has Wheel of Fortune remained on the air for so long? It's been around for as long as I can remember with only minor changes to the show's design. What was the original pitch like?
"Okay, here's the deal. It's gonna be this gameshow, right? It'll be like hangman for adults-"
"Boring."
"Hold on, you win money by guessing letters."
"Money, you say? I'm listening."
"Okay, so you have this giant wheel they have to spin."
"Like 'The Price is Right'?"
"No, not like 'The Price is Right'... well, kind of... okay it's exactly like that, but the wheel won't be standing up, it'll be on the ground. It'll be real big, real heavy, real loud, and awkward as heck to reach, and the contestants will have to spin it every damn turn."
"Sounds like that would get repetitive pretty quick. How about just doing the wheel thing during the final round?"
"No, for the entire show! Every turn, I told you! It's all about this fucking wheel and spinning it. We're even going to name the show after the wheel."
"Really? I thought it would be called 'Hangman' or something like that."
"No. It'll be called 'Lucky Wheel' or 'Go Go Money Wheel', I haven't figured that part out yet."
"I don't know about this..."
"Shut-up. It's brilliant. We'll have a beautiful woman up there revealing the letters as they guess them."
"Well, we probably could save some money and just rig up something to reveal the letters automatically."
"Yeah, right! Then the show is over in 8 minutes and then what? I'm telling you. One lady up there wearing a new dress every day for the next 45 years."
"Look, I'm all for the beautiful lady idea, but we can change that person up every couple years or so."
"To hell with that! All you do is find some girl that doesn't age at the normal rate, is good at clapping, and doesn't mind doing an activity that's essentially meaningless. Plus we'll get some guy to host the show and have him sign a contract for life. I want this guy to watch contestants guess letters until he dies. Preferably on the air, right onto the wheel."
"... (sigh)... I guess we could give it a shot for a season. But I'm telling you, no one is going to watch people spin a big dumb wheel while playing a children's game."
"Oh yes they will. This wheel will outlive us all!"
"Please sit down."
"Okay, here's the deal. It's gonna be this gameshow, right? It'll be like hangman for adults-"
"Boring."
"Hold on, you win money by guessing letters."
"Money, you say? I'm listening."
"Okay, so you have this giant wheel they have to spin."
"Like 'The Price is Right'?"
"No, not like 'The Price is Right'... well, kind of... okay it's exactly like that, but the wheel won't be standing up, it'll be on the ground. It'll be real big, real heavy, real loud, and awkward as heck to reach, and the contestants will have to spin it every damn turn."
"Sounds like that would get repetitive pretty quick. How about just doing the wheel thing during the final round?"
"No, for the entire show! Every turn, I told you! It's all about this fucking wheel and spinning it. We're even going to name the show after the wheel."
"Really? I thought it would be called 'Hangman' or something like that."
"No. It'll be called 'Lucky Wheel' or 'Go Go Money Wheel', I haven't figured that part out yet."
"I don't know about this..."
"Shut-up. It's brilliant. We'll have a beautiful woman up there revealing the letters as they guess them."
"Well, we probably could save some money and just rig up something to reveal the letters automatically."
"Yeah, right! Then the show is over in 8 minutes and then what? I'm telling you. One lady up there wearing a new dress every day for the next 45 years."
"Look, I'm all for the beautiful lady idea, but we can change that person up every couple years or so."
"To hell with that! All you do is find some girl that doesn't age at the normal rate, is good at clapping, and doesn't mind doing an activity that's essentially meaningless. Plus we'll get some guy to host the show and have him sign a contract for life. I want this guy to watch contestants guess letters until he dies. Preferably on the air, right onto the wheel."
"... (sigh)... I guess we could give it a shot for a season. But I'm telling you, no one is going to watch people spin a big dumb wheel while playing a children's game."
"Oh yes they will. This wheel will outlive us all!"
"Please sit down."
January 2, 2014
More Things I'm Tired of Seeing on the Bus
A couple months ago I shared some shit I hate about my daily commute on the bus. Here are some more things that make me lose hope in humanity. Remember, kids, complaining not only feels good, it clears the blood of harmful toxins.
Filthy Windows: Nothing emphasizes the feeling of being trapped like have no view of the outside world as you hurtle through the frozen city in a shaky metal box. Shouldn't it be necessary to give the side windows a little wipe down once every couple of days so that we can raise the visibility above 0%? It feels like a safety issue, it's disorienting and depressing for passengers, and basically it makes public transit even less appealing.
The Aggressive Exit: When the bus comes to a complete stop, there's usually a 1-2 second window where the rear doors have not been activated to allow passengers to exit. And yet it's still plenty of time for people to lose their goddamn minds. I saw a guy grab both handles and force this way out in order to save a millisecond. You could hear the distinct grinding sound of parts breaking inside the door as he did it. I've seen people slam their bodies into the door as if they were a rabid gorilla trying to escape a burning cage. Calm down, Coco. I want to get off as soon as possible too, but all it takes is a light nudge on the handles and the doors will swing open like magic. This is an automatic door, not a prison break.
The Aggressive Entry: You would think that adults would understand simple concepts like this one: in order to get on the bus, you must first allow others to get off. Two objects may not occupy the same space simultaneously. Whether it's a public bus or an elevator, people just can't wait to shove their stupid bodies into the next available area. It makes about as much sense as trying to eat while throwing up.
Seat Hoarders: Even when a bus is jam packed with people, there will still be individuals who try to keep as many seats to themselves because they are horrible human beings. Guess what, Grandma, if there are dozens of people standing on the bus, it's basic courtesy to scoot over to the window seat and free up that additional spot. Plus - this may surprise you - your bag is not a person. Move it to the floor, your lap, or sit on it for all I care. It doesn't deserve a whole seat to itself.
Filthy Windows: Nothing emphasizes the feeling of being trapped like have no view of the outside world as you hurtle through the frozen city in a shaky metal box. Shouldn't it be necessary to give the side windows a little wipe down once every couple of days so that we can raise the visibility above 0%? It feels like a safety issue, it's disorienting and depressing for passengers, and basically it makes public transit even less appealing.
The Aggressive Exit: When the bus comes to a complete stop, there's usually a 1-2 second window where the rear doors have not been activated to allow passengers to exit. And yet it's still plenty of time for people to lose their goddamn minds. I saw a guy grab both handles and force this way out in order to save a millisecond. You could hear the distinct grinding sound of parts breaking inside the door as he did it. I've seen people slam their bodies into the door as if they were a rabid gorilla trying to escape a burning cage. Calm down, Coco. I want to get off as soon as possible too, but all it takes is a light nudge on the handles and the doors will swing open like magic. This is an automatic door, not a prison break.
The Aggressive Entry: You would think that adults would understand simple concepts like this one: in order to get on the bus, you must first allow others to get off. Two objects may not occupy the same space simultaneously. Whether it's a public bus or an elevator, people just can't wait to shove their stupid bodies into the next available area. It makes about as much sense as trying to eat while throwing up.
Seat Hoarders: Even when a bus is jam packed with people, there will still be individuals who try to keep as many seats to themselves because they are horrible human beings. Guess what, Grandma, if there are dozens of people standing on the bus, it's basic courtesy to scoot over to the window seat and free up that additional spot. Plus - this may surprise you - your bag is not a person. Move it to the floor, your lap, or sit on it for all I care. It doesn't deserve a whole seat to itself.
January 1, 2014
SEVEN YEARS
Happy New Year, and cheers to seven years of blogging. While I'm happy to be celebrating this important anniversary, I'm ashamed that the amount I blogged in 2013 was pitiful. I have set my new goal and plan to kick things into high gear for a wondrous 2014. Join me, won't you?
That's right. While all of you are making important, meaningful New Years resolutions like losing weight, quitting smoking, giving up betting on monkey fights, etc... I'm here making some important decisions. Such as increasing the rate at which I upload text to the Interwebs.
Here's to another seven! *clink*
That's right. While all of you are making important, meaningful New Years resolutions like losing weight, quitting smoking, giving up betting on monkey fights, etc... I'm here making some important decisions. Such as increasing the rate at which I upload text to the Interwebs.
Here's to another seven! *clink*
November 3, 2013
Power On
Late Sunday night Brian carefully went though his usual routine before bed.
First he plugged in his laptop to make sure it would be fully charged when taking it to work. He also made sure to pack the car adapter plug just in case. Brian then plugged in his cellphone, his tablet computer, his eReader, and his MP3 player to charge as well. Moving to the bedroom he plugged in his electric razor, two different handheld gaming systems, and his trusty electric toothbrush.
Using seven extension cords and twelve battery chargers on his remaining available outlets he began the tedious task of swapping out over fifty-four rechargeable batteries for his wireless keyboard, wireless mouse, four different game console controllers, wireless headphones, wireless speakers, clock radio, and remotes for his TV, dvd player, blu-ray player, stereo system, and electric fan.
He moved quickly between every USB cable, docking station, and power bar, never needing to pause and flip over a plug so it would fit, or second guessing if the correct battery was double or triple 'A'. In a strange way he was a modern master of electronic efficiency.
Brian nodded in approval of his work. His home was now humming and twinkling with dozens of tiny red, green, and blue lights. Brian stopped by the kitchen to set the timer on his coffee machine before heading to bed and quickly falling into a deep slumber. Around 3:27am Brian perished when a raging fire engulfed his home. Firefighters later discovered a half-melted smoke detector with an empty battery compartment.
First he plugged in his laptop to make sure it would be fully charged when taking it to work. He also made sure to pack the car adapter plug just in case. Brian then plugged in his cellphone, his tablet computer, his eReader, and his MP3 player to charge as well. Moving to the bedroom he plugged in his electric razor, two different handheld gaming systems, and his trusty electric toothbrush.
Using seven extension cords and twelve battery chargers on his remaining available outlets he began the tedious task of swapping out over fifty-four rechargeable batteries for his wireless keyboard, wireless mouse, four different game console controllers, wireless headphones, wireless speakers, clock radio, and remotes for his TV, dvd player, blu-ray player, stereo system, and electric fan.
He moved quickly between every USB cable, docking station, and power bar, never needing to pause and flip over a plug so it would fit, or second guessing if the correct battery was double or triple 'A'. In a strange way he was a modern master of electronic efficiency.
Brian nodded in approval of his work. His home was now humming and twinkling with dozens of tiny red, green, and blue lights. Brian stopped by the kitchen to set the timer on his coffee machine before heading to bed and quickly falling into a deep slumber. Around 3:27am Brian perished when a raging fire engulfed his home. Firefighters later discovered a half-melted smoke detector with an empty battery compartment.
September 6, 2013
Less is Less: A Short Story About Cake
Long ago humans desired sweets and an excuse to consume sweets at any opportunity. Great minds came together and the cake was created. Any and all celebrations were instantly enhanced.
Later as the popularity of cakes grew the ease of personal cake transport became a concern. While a slice of cake was nice, a miniature version would be easier to consume on the go. Soon the cupcake made shockwaves of joy around the world.
The popularity of the cake held strong for ages, but then some jackass decided he could get away with selling a single bite of cake and created Cake Pops: a frustrating amount of cake at an inexcusably high price sold on a stupid stick. Ugh.
Society pulled its hair out in anguish at this cake farce. "What's next", they demanded to know while flipping cop cars over in the street, "are you going to sell plastic spoons with a tiny bit of pie and call them 'Spoon Pies' and sell them for $2.50 a piece?"
"I don't know," replied the Council of Baked Goods, "Would people buy that?"
"Probably!" screamed Society. "I'm sure if you sell them in stupid boutiques and coffee shops some idiots would buy them. All you need to do is slap the word 'gourmet' on it."
"Hmmm, good thinking." The High Elder nodded in approval.
"NO! Don't actually do that. We're being sarcastic!" Society crumpled to the ground in tears. A nearby convenience store in flames began to collapse.
"The Council has spoken!" The booming voice of the Grand Cake Pope echoed across the land. "From now on all baked sweets must be sold in portions no greater than my thumb. Preferably on a stick, or served in a thimble."
Later that week all the remaining full sized cakes were confiscated and divided up into millions of portions. Darkness fell across the land and somewhere a baker cried into his apron. Mini-Cake Pops were created, then the Micro-Danish, and later Banana Bread Crumb-ettes.
Soon obesity and many of the health conditions caused by excess weight disappeared entirely. Everyone was healthy and thin, but depressed because they were completely broke from buying a tenth of an ounce of fudge.
Society spent the last of their resources to build giant rocket ships and flee Earth, roaming the cosmos in search of more reasonably sized desserts. The Council Elders sat glumly on their piles of gold, alone with their greed on a joyless planet. A few months later the Earth exploded because it was really sad.
The End
Happy Friday, everyone! Have some goddamn cake.
Later as the popularity of cakes grew the ease of personal cake transport became a concern. While a slice of cake was nice, a miniature version would be easier to consume on the go. Soon the cupcake made shockwaves of joy around the world.
The popularity of the cake held strong for ages, but then some jackass decided he could get away with selling a single bite of cake and created Cake Pops: a frustrating amount of cake at an inexcusably high price sold on a stupid stick. Ugh.
Society pulled its hair out in anguish at this cake farce. "What's next", they demanded to know while flipping cop cars over in the street, "are you going to sell plastic spoons with a tiny bit of pie and call them 'Spoon Pies' and sell them for $2.50 a piece?"
"I don't know," replied the Council of Baked Goods, "Would people buy that?"
"Probably!" screamed Society. "I'm sure if you sell them in stupid boutiques and coffee shops some idiots would buy them. All you need to do is slap the word 'gourmet' on it."
"Hmmm, good thinking." The High Elder nodded in approval.
"NO! Don't actually do that. We're being sarcastic!" Society crumpled to the ground in tears. A nearby convenience store in flames began to collapse.
"The Council has spoken!" The booming voice of the Grand Cake Pope echoed across the land. "From now on all baked sweets must be sold in portions no greater than my thumb. Preferably on a stick, or served in a thimble."
Later that week all the remaining full sized cakes were confiscated and divided up into millions of portions. Darkness fell across the land and somewhere a baker cried into his apron. Mini-Cake Pops were created, then the Micro-Danish, and later Banana Bread Crumb-ettes.
Soon obesity and many of the health conditions caused by excess weight disappeared entirely. Everyone was healthy and thin, but depressed because they were completely broke from buying a tenth of an ounce of fudge.
Society spent the last of their resources to build giant rocket ships and flee Earth, roaming the cosmos in search of more reasonably sized desserts. The Council Elders sat glumly on their piles of gold, alone with their greed on a joyless planet. A few months later the Earth exploded because it was really sad.
The End
Happy Friday, everyone! Have some goddamn cake.
September 4, 2013
Things I'm Tired of Seeing On The Bus
Baby Strollers: There needs to be a limit on the number of strollers allowed on a bus at any given time. I'm suggesting 1, preferably zero. Also, why are baby strollers doubling in size every year? It looks like these parents are trying to push a combination lawn swing, Vespa, and wheelchair on the bus and it's not going to be pretty. There's already a traffic jam outside the bus, we don't need another one inside the bus.
Dumb Baseball Caps: If you're going to wear a cap, just wear the damn thing. Don't leave it lightly resting atop your hair looking like a plastic lego accessory, just wear it! Take off the size sticker and press it onto your stupid skull before I do.
Moron Parents: Please watch your kids. Don't leave your pack of shrieking kids at the front of the bus while you sit at the back because there was a seat free, then proceed to shout at them every half-minute telling them to settle down. Don't be a backseat parent, just watch your kids.
Ripped Jeans: If the holes and rips in your jeans are so numerous and gaping that you would be more concealed wearing shorts ... then you're officially just draping your legs with garbage. Get off the bus at the next available stop, find a mall, and becoming a functioning human being.
People Who Reek (aka The Skuzz): If you can't be bothered to rinse your body off every now again, do not put yourself in an enclosed metal box with limited ventilation. And don't just empty a can of Axe body spray on yourself and then think everything is okay. You're just trading one stench for another.
Cellphone Shouters: Think your conversation is important enough to share with 20-30 strangers? It's not. Get the fuck off the phone. I have yet to hear one single phone call on a bus that seemed important enough to warrant yacking one's face off in public. The time has come to start ejecting people off the bus against their will, then maybe they'd actually have something worth talking about.
Dumb Baseball Caps: If you're going to wear a cap, just wear the damn thing. Don't leave it lightly resting atop your hair looking like a plastic lego accessory, just wear it! Take off the size sticker and press it onto your stupid skull before I do.
Moron Parents: Please watch your kids. Don't leave your pack of shrieking kids at the front of the bus while you sit at the back because there was a seat free, then proceed to shout at them every half-minute telling them to settle down. Don't be a backseat parent, just watch your kids.
Ripped Jeans: If the holes and rips in your jeans are so numerous and gaping that you would be more concealed wearing shorts ... then you're officially just draping your legs with garbage. Get off the bus at the next available stop, find a mall, and becoming a functioning human being.
People Who Reek (aka The Skuzz): If you can't be bothered to rinse your body off every now again, do not put yourself in an enclosed metal box with limited ventilation. And don't just empty a can of Axe body spray on yourself and then think everything is okay. You're just trading one stench for another.
Cellphone Shouters: Think your conversation is important enough to share with 20-30 strangers? It's not. Get the fuck off the phone. I have yet to hear one single phone call on a bus that seemed important enough to warrant yacking one's face off in public. The time has come to start ejecting people off the bus against their will, then maybe they'd actually have something worth talking about.
September 1, 2013
The Age of Getting Older
It's been a weird year. Having just turned 30 in July I'm facing the dawn of a new life phase. I think that means I need to be more mature, take care of my body, focus on my career, make babies and such, but you will have to tear this comic book and ice cream sandwich from angry hands before that happens.
I know I'm getting older because I see a chasm stretching out between me and popular culture, and it grows everyday. That's not always a bad thing since whatever it was that happened at the VMA's this year was an ugly, gross, and stupid affair. I'm pretty sure it alienated all human beings, not just the old ones.
These days I find myself caring less and less about what people think of me and my choices, which is nice. But I'm also becoming angrier and angrier at other people's choices, which can't be good for my health. All my life it's been the small stuff that bothers me: You tell me that a family member was devoured by wild dogs ... ah, c'est la vie. You tell me the egg yolk broke ... I storm out of the room knocking shit over.
Maybe that's what getting older is all about. You stop caring about what's cool, you bitch more about the little things, and learn to love who you are along the way. Sounds alright.
I know I'm getting older because I see a chasm stretching out between me and popular culture, and it grows everyday. That's not always a bad thing since whatever it was that happened at the VMA's this year was an ugly, gross, and stupid affair. I'm pretty sure it alienated all human beings, not just the old ones.
These days I find myself caring less and less about what people think of me and my choices, which is nice. But I'm also becoming angrier and angrier at other people's choices, which can't be good for my health. All my life it's been the small stuff that bothers me: You tell me that a family member was devoured by wild dogs ... ah, c'est la vie. You tell me the egg yolk broke ... I storm out of the room knocking shit over.
Maybe that's what getting older is all about. You stop caring about what's cool, you bitch more about the little things, and learn to love who you are along the way. Sounds alright.
July 6, 2013
Bumpy Skies
On a recent flight I witnessed a man across the aisle from me have a panic attack during some mild turbulence. Here are the top five terrible things going through my mind I could have said to him:
- "Wow, this is the worst turbulence I've ever experienced. Do you smell smoke?"
- "I think this flight is haunted."
- "Shit, I had a dream about this last night. I remember you being scared right before the explosion and everything."
- "I sure hope all this shaking doesn't knock the lid off my bee container."
- "Sir, I just want you to know, if anything happens, ... I'm eating you first."
April 22, 2013
Betting on the False Alarm
The other night as I was readying myself for slumber, my apartment building's fire alarm began to blare. I begrudgingly got dressed, grabbed some pocket essentials, and hit the stairs down to the lobby just as firefighters were arriving. In the end, it was a false alarm. A shitty prank, but I'll take a prank over all my belongings going up in smoke any day.
So what's the point? These things happen all the time.
I bring this up because while I waited outside for the alarms to be shut off, I noticed that there was about 20 people waiting with me. That's what I found most alarming.
First of all, my apartment building is huge. If I calculate the number of floors, the number of apartments per floor, and estimate only 2 people living in each one (which is generously low), I estimate over 500 residents in this building.
Okay, but not everyone will be home all the time.
Oh, absolutely. It was after midnight on a friday so let's be crazy and say that HALF of everyone living in the building was out socializing. And of course, some people may be working night shifts, or travelling out of town, or running to the store for condoms and lotto tickets, so let's cut that number in HALF again and pretend all those people were also not at home.
So where does that leave us? Well, aside from the 20 people who exited the building, that still leaves OVER 100 PEOPLE who sat in their apartment and waited out 30 minutes of deafening alarms because ... what? They had a hunch that there wasn't really a fire?
I admit that I didn't really believe there was a fire either, but why take that chance? It's fire alarm procedure to exit the building anyway. So does this mean that a quarter of the residents are deaf? Or just lazy? Did dozens of people figure, well, I already put the kids to bed, I don't want to be bothered with all the coats and shoes it's going to take to maybe save their lives.
That's another thing. Of the few people I saw that night ... no kids. And I know there are tons of children living here, I see them all the time. I just can't wrap my head around it.
I don't know. Maybe my math is all wrong. Maybe a vast number of the apartments only have one resident and they like to go out and party hard. Maybe all the families here have fathers who work late and mothers who take the kids to see grandma on the weekends. Maybe numerous residents are confined to their home because they're morbidly obese and wear fire-retardent pajamas.
Or maybe ... a lot of people are fucking dumb.
So what's the point? These things happen all the time.
I bring this up because while I waited outside for the alarms to be shut off, I noticed that there was about 20 people waiting with me. That's what I found most alarming.
First of all, my apartment building is huge. If I calculate the number of floors, the number of apartments per floor, and estimate only 2 people living in each one (which is generously low), I estimate over 500 residents in this building.
Okay, but not everyone will be home all the time.
Oh, absolutely. It was after midnight on a friday so let's be crazy and say that HALF of everyone living in the building was out socializing. And of course, some people may be working night shifts, or travelling out of town, or running to the store for condoms and lotto tickets, so let's cut that number in HALF again and pretend all those people were also not at home.
So where does that leave us? Well, aside from the 20 people who exited the building, that still leaves OVER 100 PEOPLE who sat in their apartment and waited out 30 minutes of deafening alarms because ... what? They had a hunch that there wasn't really a fire?
I admit that I didn't really believe there was a fire either, but why take that chance? It's fire alarm procedure to exit the building anyway. So does this mean that a quarter of the residents are deaf? Or just lazy? Did dozens of people figure, well, I already put the kids to bed, I don't want to be bothered with all the coats and shoes it's going to take to maybe save their lives.
That's another thing. Of the few people I saw that night ... no kids. And I know there are tons of children living here, I see them all the time. I just can't wrap my head around it.
I don't know. Maybe my math is all wrong. Maybe a vast number of the apartments only have one resident and they like to go out and party hard. Maybe all the families here have fathers who work late and mothers who take the kids to see grandma on the weekends. Maybe numerous residents are confined to their home because they're morbidly obese and wear fire-retardent pajamas.
Or maybe ... a lot of people are fucking dumb.
March 1, 2013
Stuff That Happened Last Month
So Hungry I Could Mistakingly Eat A Horse!
No doubt you've heard about the horse meat scandal and feel free to insert your own hotdog joke here. But seriously, this is an outrage. Can you imagine how betrayed the meat-eating public must feel to buy the flesh of one quadruped farm animal for consumption and then find out that it's actually the flesh of some OTHER quadruped farm animal? That would be like ordering chicken and being served duck or something. I think I'm going to be sick.
Pope Benequit Says No More!
After many years reigning as the scariest looking pope on record, Pope Benedict broke with tradition and resigned. He claims it was due to declining health, but that hadn't stopped previous popes from doing whatever they do until they shrivelled up into robed raisins. It's too bad that he quit in his prime like that when there are so many that look up to him. I mean, think about it. If all those priests had thrown in the towel after countless accusations, they never would have gone on to be relocated and continue to follow their dreams.
Terror in the Skies!
An asteroid blazed its way into the atmosphere over Russia, briefly distracting youtube viewers' attentions away from the immeasurably stupid "Harlem Shake" fad. The meteor caused a shockwave that injured over a thousand people, and North Korea issued a statement declaring the meteor a complete success and a proud moment for the nation.January 13, 2013
Things Pro Wrestling and Figure Skating Have in Common
Skaters and Wrestlers ...
- Wear tight, revealing custom outfits, often following a specific theme.
- Develop signature moves.
- Have routines that are carefully choreographed but sometimes improvisation is needed.
- Compete on their own, or with a partner.
- Perform dangerous jumps and spins, and can be potentially seriously hurt or cut.
- Pick up other athletes over their heads and sometimes throw them.
- Choose their own music.
- Have judging that is very subjective and controversial at times. Some people feel the outcomes are rigged.
- Form fierce rivalries and have been known to sabotage one another outside the rink/ring.
- Compete for various titles and build a reputation throughout their careers.
- Must be strong and agile, but also have a flair for showmanship.
- Sometimes look like they're dancing.
December 27, 2012
Watching TV for Free
After years of neglecting my needs I finally own a new flatscreen television. I waited so long that I actually feel the need to describe it as "flatscreen" even though it's the standard now. In any case, I'm now experiencing media in stunning high definition the way Santa Christ intended. It feels good. Real good.
I've paid for basic cable for years and have felt ripped off the whole time. Not because the content sucked, but because it felt overpriced based on what I watched, and how much. Why pay for around 60 channels when I'm only going to routinely watch 4 or 5?
I decided to try out a little DIY project that had been on my mind for a while: an over-the-air (OTA) digital antenna. With some simple household items and a few google searches, could I be watching TV for free?
I decided to test it out first with the simplest of designs. First I picked up a coaxial to antenna transformer at the dollar store for about $1.50. It looks likes this:
I taped some paperclips to that, attached some binder clips to those, stuck it to the wall, screwed the cable into the TV and searched for channels. I had immediate success with 2 channels. Not only were they coming in clear, it was beautiful 1080p HD clear. It's my understanding that analog TV signals were retired a while back, and now the standard is HD digital. "This is awesome", I exclaimed.
If some paperclips slapped together can pick up a few channels, what could I get with a more advanced antenna? The next design I tried involved aluminum foil. Following a fractal pattern I printed from the web, I cut out the aluminum foil and carefully inserted it into a plastic sleeve. Here was the final look:
The foil antenna picked up 5-6 channels. I was thrilled, but still not completely satisfied. Antennas work better the higher up they are, and my apartment is on the 15th floor. The Internet tells me that numerous channels are being transmitted in my area. My final design would have to be serious to get serious results.
I swung by a Home Depot and picked up a piece of wood, some steel wire, washers, and screws. Using another design I found online I measured out and built my very own bowtie antenna:
After fiddling with the positioning of the antenna and doing various channel scans, I began picking up 15-20 channels. Again, nearly all of them in HD. It's nice to have something so simple work out so well.
Of course, bad weather will occasionally mess with the signal and antennas have to be shifted around sometimes. I recommend giving it a shot ... but your success will depend on the reception of the channels broadcast near you. If you're interested, search out the reception in your area, and then you'll know if it's going to be worth your time to screw some coat hangers to boards.
So to wrap up, before I was paying around $50 a month for TV service, and now I'm enjoying all the same shows with an antenna that cost $10 to make. Between my homemade antenna, Netflix and the Internet, I feel like my TV needs are covered.
Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!
I've paid for basic cable for years and have felt ripped off the whole time. Not because the content sucked, but because it felt overpriced based on what I watched, and how much. Why pay for around 60 channels when I'm only going to routinely watch 4 or 5?
I decided to try out a little DIY project that had been on my mind for a while: an over-the-air (OTA) digital antenna. With some simple household items and a few google searches, could I be watching TV for free?
I decided to test it out first with the simplest of designs. First I picked up a coaxial to antenna transformer at the dollar store for about $1.50. It looks likes this:
If some paperclips slapped together can pick up a few channels, what could I get with a more advanced antenna? The next design I tried involved aluminum foil. Following a fractal pattern I printed from the web, I cut out the aluminum foil and carefully inserted it into a plastic sleeve. Here was the final look:
The foil antenna picked up 5-6 channels. I was thrilled, but still not completely satisfied. Antennas work better the higher up they are, and my apartment is on the 15th floor. The Internet tells me that numerous channels are being transmitted in my area. My final design would have to be serious to get serious results.
I swung by a Home Depot and picked up a piece of wood, some steel wire, washers, and screws. Using another design I found online I measured out and built my very own bowtie antenna:
After fiddling with the positioning of the antenna and doing various channel scans, I began picking up 15-20 channels. Again, nearly all of them in HD. It's nice to have something so simple work out so well.
Of course, bad weather will occasionally mess with the signal and antennas have to be shifted around sometimes. I recommend giving it a shot ... but your success will depend on the reception of the channels broadcast near you. If you're interested, search out the reception in your area, and then you'll know if it's going to be worth your time to screw some coat hangers to boards.
So to wrap up, before I was paying around $50 a month for TV service, and now I'm enjoying all the same shows with an antenna that cost $10 to make. Between my homemade antenna, Netflix and the Internet, I feel like my TV needs are covered.
Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!
December 21, 2012
Would You Mayan If We Took Your Guns Away?
We did it, everyone! We survived the greatest Doomsday prediction of all time ... since that last one. I like that Doomsday scares are always wrong without fail. In a world filled with uncertainty, at least we can count on that. Pro Tip: Now's the time to buy your new Mayan calendar. They always get cheaper once the new calendar starts.
Yep, you'd think with the track record apocalyptic predictions have had, people wouldn't make a big deal each time, but here we are.
Speaking of not learning from the past ... the recent events in Connecticut have filled me with equal parts sadness and anger. This shit has got to stop. It's simply astounding to me that so many Americans refuse to acknowledge the connection between easy access to guns and frequent deadly shootings.
It's reported that there was a spike in gun sales in the days immediately following the shooting as people rushed out to stock up on semi-automatic weapons. Are you fucking kidding me, America? What part of "20 children were murdered with legally purchased weapons" don't you get? You'd think this would be a time of reflection and banding together to reduce the threat of gun violence. No. Instead it's a panic to buy as many guns as possible before someone takes them away. That would be like a rise in flights being sold on September 12th.
Apparently the American mindset it this: If I buy a gun my family is safe and I'm a true patriot. If I buy more guns my family is safer and more patriotic. If everyone in the neighbourhood buys guns, we are the safest, patriotic-est street in town. If everyone in the COUNTRY owns a gun, I am invincible and Jesus will descend from the clouds on a red, white, and blue eagle of justice and hand feed me an apple pie from a rifle-spoon.
As a group, Americans have an amazing ability to not learn from mistakes. You can present them with clear evidence of dangers their lifestyles cause and they still become more obese and more in debt and more heavily armed by the day. It's like watching a country slowly implode.
Here's an idea. I've heard that some police officers in training have to experience being tased or pepper-sprayed to gain an appreciation for the weapons they may be forced to use one day. I don't know if it's a common practice, but some training academies do it. Why don't we apply a similar rule to owning a gun? You can own a gun, but you have to get shot first. Once for every gun you want and once more for every box of bullets.
It's not a solution to this problem, but maybe you would see a dramatic drop in gun sales. Which is what should have happened after Sandy Hook.
Yep, you'd think with the track record apocalyptic predictions have had, people wouldn't make a big deal each time, but here we are.
Speaking of not learning from the past ... the recent events in Connecticut have filled me with equal parts sadness and anger. This shit has got to stop. It's simply astounding to me that so many Americans refuse to acknowledge the connection between easy access to guns and frequent deadly shootings.
It's reported that there was a spike in gun sales in the days immediately following the shooting as people rushed out to stock up on semi-automatic weapons. Are you fucking kidding me, America? What part of "20 children were murdered with legally purchased weapons" don't you get? You'd think this would be a time of reflection and banding together to reduce the threat of gun violence. No. Instead it's a panic to buy as many guns as possible before someone takes them away. That would be like a rise in flights being sold on September 12th.
Apparently the American mindset it this: If I buy a gun my family is safe and I'm a true patriot. If I buy more guns my family is safer and more patriotic. If everyone in the neighbourhood buys guns, we are the safest, patriotic-est street in town. If everyone in the COUNTRY owns a gun, I am invincible and Jesus will descend from the clouds on a red, white, and blue eagle of justice and hand feed me an apple pie from a rifle-spoon.
As a group, Americans have an amazing ability to not learn from mistakes. You can present them with clear evidence of dangers their lifestyles cause and they still become more obese and more in debt and more heavily armed by the day. It's like watching a country slowly implode.
Here's an idea. I've heard that some police officers in training have to experience being tased or pepper-sprayed to gain an appreciation for the weapons they may be forced to use one day. I don't know if it's a common practice, but some training academies do it. Why don't we apply a similar rule to owning a gun? You can own a gun, but you have to get shot first. Once for every gun you want and once more for every box of bullets.
It's not a solution to this problem, but maybe you would see a dramatic drop in gun sales. Which is what should have happened after Sandy Hook.
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