I'm The Only Academy That Matters

I hope you're all geared up for the biggest day of television of the year. The Oscars! Dust off your top hat, put on some pants, and get ready for 9 hours of televised trophy exchanges.

Look, I could sit here and mock the Oscars for being stupid, long, and pointless (I can't deny that it's all three), but I have to admit that I look forward to it each year. Movies are such an important part of my life that I can't help but watch and get excited when a movie I like wins, and get pissed off when a movie I like loses.

This is one of the few instances in which I can relate to a sports fan. I'm always baffled at how people can invest so much time and emotion into the outcome of a game played by people they have no real connection to or influence over. But then I find myself tense that a movie I had no part in making may or may not win a meaningless gold statue in a contest I couldn't vote for at an award show I will never attend.

Despite this, I will be watching tonight and I've made my guesses for each category. I usually end up making two lists; the ones I think will win, and the ones I want to win. I'm usually pretty good at guessing the ones that will win, but each year I'm left aghast at some of the Academy's selections (Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress for The Blind Side, Jesus Hand-basket Christ). Just for fun, here are my picks for the three biggest awards of the night.

Best Actor I think will go to Colin Firth for "The King's Speech", but I would like to see James Franco win for "127 Hours". Both great performances based on real people overcoming difficult circumstances, though I think a speech impediment is trumped by sawing off your own arm with the equivalent of a dull butter knife.

Best Actress will go to Natalie Portman for "Black Swan" and that's exactly what I would like to see. Though, for this category it's really bizarre that Hailee Steinfeld from "True Grit" didn't make the list and somehow got stuck on the Best Supporting Actress list. If you've seen "True Grit" (and you most definitely should), you know that Hailee Steinfeld owned that film and she was not part of the supporting cast; she was the goddamn main character. But what are you going to do? The Academy is kind of retarded.

I've seen 7 of the 10 nominees for Best Picture and I think it will go to "The Social Network", but I would much prefer "Black Swan" or "True Grit" to win. Not to say that I disliked "The Social Network", I just enjoyed some of the others a lot more.

Well those are my picks. Tonight we'll see if my team wins. And if not, I plan to be elbow-deep into a plate of nachos to ease the pain.

A Brief Lesson on Family Day

Having grown up in Nova Scotia for much of my life, I had never heard of Family Day before moving to Ottawa, but apparently it is a public holiday observed by nearly 60% of Canadians. All I really care is that it means a paid day off for me, but still I became interested in the origin and traditions of this February holiday. Here now are the customs of Family Day as I've observed:

Traditionally, Canadians will start off their Family Day, much as their forefathers did hundreds of years ago, by sleeping in until whenever they want. It is customary for the children of the household to get up earlier than the parents and watch cartoons while eating a bowl of Froot Loops. This is done in memory of all the families in the past who could not afford Froot Loops.

If the family had been good that year, they would be rewarded by Tarandus, the mystical space caribou, with something worthwhile to watch on TV. But if the family had indeed been naughty, then Tarandus will force them to do laundry and other household chores, even though the weather outside isn't so bad.

Later in the day, the family will set out for their local shopping mall, just like the pilgrims did thousands of years ago. The eldest son will be given the honor of remembering where they parked, and each family member will shop individually and meet up later at an assigned location because the mall closes early out of respect for our ancestors on this holy day.

Because cooking is forbidden on Family Day, each Canadian household will order out. The custom is to eat either chicken from a bucket or pizza from a box much like the days of yore before proper dinnerware was discovered and boxes or buckets were the only available food containers. Each family member will pay tribute to the meal by trying to not argue with each other over pointless bullshit. Traditionally, the greasy napkins, chicken bones, and pizza crusts will be left forgotten near the kitchen sink so that mothers may yell at everyone the next morning.

After dinner, families will congregate around the sacred television or internet and remain immobile for several hours to pay respect to our founding fathers or Jesus or someone. Around nine o'clock Tarandus' spell will break so that children and adults alike will remember that they have to work or study tomorrow, and everyone will complain accordingly. And with that realization, Family Day will have come to an end once more.

May Tarandus bless you and your home, and have a Merry Family Day. Unless you live in British Columbia, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Newfoundland or any of the territories.

Adventures in Paper: Like Mathematic Snowflakes Part Two

It's time to check out more paper tessellations in my second installment. I know you're excited but calm down. Let's start with one of my favorite patterns known as the clover-fold...

I don't really know why it's called the clover-fold, but I think it looks interesting, and it's challenging. At the end of my last "Adventures in Paper" post I mentioned that doubling the folds seemed to quadruple the results. Below is the same clover-fold using the same sized paper but simply making double the initial creases.

Here is another example of a design I showed last time with double the folds. It implements just a series of triangle twists.

Like many origami tessellations, it can only be fully appreciated with some back lighting. As you can see, it takes on a whole new pattern.

This one below may be my favorite I've done. I think it's a good example of how many shapes and shades can be produced with a single sheet of white paper. The pattern is a double pleat hexagonal tessellation and it uses a similar arrangement of triangle twists.

After a while of folding so many damn triangles, I figured I fold a whole bunch more, but try to fit them closer together.

Here it is again with some sunlight.

This last one is my own design. After folding dozens of tessellations I began experimenting with and combining the folds I'd learned. The end result kind of looks like a mutated flower, star, and snowflake... which is awesome.

Well, that's all for now. Next time I will be showing you the fantastic wonders of cutting and folding paper with the delicate art of Kirigami ... aka the deranged step-brother of Origami.

Ideas for the Romantically Challenged

Can't figure out what to get your loved one this Valentines Day? Then you are not alone. Every year millions of idiots fail to give an appropriately romantic gift, and end up desperately buying chocolates from a gas station on the way home from work, or hastily shaving their pubic region into a heart, or what may be a dying Pac-man. Wakka - wakka, indeed.

Instead of giving tired gifts like roses, heart shaped things, or cards, why not write a poem for her? If you're not able to write a poem, just copy one out of a poetry collection. There's no way she knows every poem ever written, right? She would be a nerd or a freak if she did, and you don't deserve that. But be sure the poem has something to do with love, of course.

Or why not donate money to have a tree planted in her name, or some other worthwhile cause. Or if you're broke, just say that you did. Hell ... tell her that you had a star named after her. And if she asks which star, or where is the documented proof, be sure to have a puppy on hand for a distraction. Don't worry, most shelters give them away for free.

Why not go all out and paint hearts on a bunch of eggs, put those eggs in a Christmas stocking, and put that stocking in a Jack-o-lantern? Bam! You're done for the year. You just saved yourself a bunch of money, and she thinks you're a creative genius.

Glad I could help.