December 28, 2014

The End

Well, it's been fun.

As this eighth year of Turnipism comes to a close I've decided to shut this mother down. Okay, ... I'm not angrily slamming the doors and deleting the whole shebang. It's more like I'm setting the blog free into the wild and driving off in my sweet limited edition custom hover-car.

Since new content on this blog has been less and less over the last couple years, I figured that I might as well make it official and declare this project complete. All this writing and drawing and ranting has been fun. Therapeutic, even. I hope that I entertained you from time to time. And I hope that one of those times you laughed while eating and blew spaghetti out your nose.

Even though I will not be updating this blog any longer, I am not disappearing entirely. I plan to work towards revitalizing this blog's sister site by writing more lists for Five-o-Rama. And, for anyone interested in more of my creative outlets, I have been frequently sharing my origami efforts on Instagram which can be found here.

To everyone who stopped by and read my nonsense throughout the years, I truly appreciate it. I know you don't need the reminder, but you're pretty damn cool. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for reading.

August 14, 2014

Goodbye, Mr. Williams

It's difficult and shocking for the world to lose someone as talented and amazing as Robin Williams. It's even more shocking to lose him in this manner. For my entire life he been an icon of comedy and boundless enthusiasm. It's just so hard to reconcile that persona with this untimely end. Who could ever imagine a light that bright would extinguish itself?

I won't lie, these last few days I've found myself on the verge of tears several times. Since his passing the Internet has been abuzz with stories and memories shared of the movies we grew up loving, and the impact he had on our lives. The more I think of it, the more it rings true; for many of us he was our childhood.

The first movie I can recall seeing at the theatre without my parents was Aladdin. I watched it with friends and can still remember the pure excitement and magic I felt when the Genie was introduced. My eyes were glued to the screen and I laughed my goddamned pants off.

For years my family owned a copy of Good Morning, Vietnam but I couldn't watch it until much later because the VHS cassette had broken. I finally took it upon myself to Frankenstein it back together with other cassette pieces and it was the only time I can think of making that sort of effort to see a film. Finally being able to watch it was like finding treasure.

I remember reading an issue of Disney Adventures magazine and discovering that Robin and myself shared the same birthday. I was thrilled to have that connection - any connection - to his larger-than-life personality.

I remember going over to a friend's house to watch Hook. I remember being blown away by Dead Poets Society in high school. I remember watching his stand up specials in university more times than I can count.

There's no doubt that Robin Williams made a mark on us all. We grew up with his characters, his performances, his spirit. As heartbroken as we feel now, we should be happy for those memories and find comfort in that.

Goodbye, Mr. Williams. We'll cherish the gifts you've given us.

May 3, 2014

The Line

On my way to work I often will pick up my morning coffee at Tim Hortons, as is required of all Canadians by law. Because my commute is long and unpredictable I will sometimes be pressed for time when I get in the lineup.

Invariably when the clock is ticking, the people in front of me are ordering huge quantities of food and drink. When they break out a list of items and begin ordering for 900 people at J.Q. Dumptruck and Sons, I want to begin punching everyone.

Or if they aren't ordering for the entire office, it's just one tedious and complicated order for themselves: "Can I get a large coffee with 2 and a half sugars, one cream and one milk ... no, better make that one cream and two milk. Please don't stir it, and I'm going to need a double cup with the lid on the side. Can I get a tray for that? I'll get one wheat fruit muffin heated up and make a small incision on the top and put one teaspoon of butter - can you do half butter, half margarine? - okay, do a teaspoon of that into the muffin hole. I'll need that in a separate bag and you can put that on the tray too. You know what, though? I'm not feeling the fruit muffin, do you have just a bran muffin? Oh, you already started heating the other one. Don't worry, don't worry. On second thought, I really would rather the bran muffin. Really? Thanks a lot. Look, I don't mean to be a pest but I think I saw you stir my coffee. I specifically requested - yes, I know but... would you be able to give me fresh one? I meant to ask you to make the coffee after the muffin anyway. Now tell me, what kind of yogurts do you have?"

Seriously, it's enough to make me want to ram the person out of the line and go, "Here's two dollars. I want a medium black coffee. And here's fifty dollars if you never serve this self-absorbed jackass again!"

As stupid as that longwinded order was, I based most of it on shit I actually had to listen to. God bless these employees that put up with it day in and day out, but we seriously need a separate line for these twits. Hell, just keep a pot of coffee by the door with empty cups and a place to drop off money and I'm all set.

Last week when I was in line I saw a discarded handwritten note on the counter from an earlier customer that said "CHEESE CREAM BAGEL". For some reason that cracked me up because that's all that was written down. Was someone actually struggling to remember that order for a friend? Plus writing it as "cheese cream" instead of "cream cheese" makes it sound grosser for some reason, and as if the concept was alien to them.

I like to imagine that the guy waited in line for several minutes clutching this note until it was finally their turn and they ordered.

"Okay sir, and what kind of bagel would you like?"

Beads of sweat form on his brow. He looks down at the note again, his hands are now trembling. He checks the other side of the paper but there are no other instructions.

"Uh..." he swallows. Another few awkward moments pass and then he drops the note on the counter and bolts for the door.

About time, I think, and take another step forward.

January 24, 2014

Canada's Worst Export

Breaking news, people. Put down the ice cream and pay attention. I hope you're sitting down, or at least leaning against something sturdy. Yes, the refrigerator will do. Again, please put down the ice cream. Okay... Justin Bieber has been arrested.

Okay, calm down, calm down. He's already been released on bail, but that doesn't change the fact that he was arrested for a DUI and it's probably because he's a cocky, reckless shithead. I'm upset too. I'm happy when a Canadian achieves worldwide success, but I'm sad when they turn out to be a complete tool. Belieb me when I say, Justin is a world class tool, and we can only apologize so much.

When he's not busy on stage performing bad songs via mediocre singing and dancing, Justin enjoys abandoning pet monkeys in Europe, or spitting on his fans from a balcony. He's also keen on injuring people with his car, urinating on camera, getting busted for possession, and visiting brothels in South America. He's the world's busiest douchebag.

Earlier this month Beiber egged his neighbour's house and apparently did thousands of dollars worth of damage. Thousands? Was he using a catapult to hurl ostrich eggs, or was he wielding some rapid fire quail egg gatling gun?

Soon after this childish attack the police searched his home for evidence of the vandalism. Did they stumble upon hundreds and hundreds of egg cartons with incriminating fingerprints? No. Unless he was cracking eggs into his hands, pocketing the shells, and throwing raw goo, all the evidence was left at the scene of the attack. You see? It's the perfect crime. You're a sly one, Bieber. And watch out Los Angeles Sheriff's Department, you may be in for the teepee-ing of a lifetime.

With all his bullshit, I don't blame Americans for wanting to deport him. But do you honestly think Canada wants him back either? Can't we find a happy compromise and banish him to the ocean or something? Just let him float through the icy expanse like some lonely Beiberg? Yeah. I like the sound of that.

Enjoy the North Atlantic, Justin. Hope you packed more than just a goofy hat and a wife-beater. Remember, you can't survive on swag alone.

January 20, 2014

Cinema 2013

Now that I'm finally caught up on most of the movies I wanted to see from 2013, thought I would do a quick rundown of my ten favourites from last year.

10. Spring Breakers
Repulsive and hypnotic at the same time, this movie most certainly made me feel like a pervert watching it. Even more so that I ended up liking it. It has some memorable sequences (such as the piano montage or the restaurant robbery) and the movie continually caught me off guard. It's not gonna win any Oscars, but I appreciate the insanity of it all.

9. American Hustle
Solid performances all around, a killer soundtrack, and some hilarious moments grabbed this movie a spot on the list. With a cast like this, it's no wonder there's already awards buzz. Amy Adams gave a great performance, and every scene between Bradley Cooper and Louis CK was gold.

8. Evil Dead
I have endless love for the original Evil Dead movies, and this "reboot" paid proper homage to the series without seeming like a copy. The movie sidestepped the campy goodness of Ash, and chose a more hardcore horror path. But it still worked for me. It had fantastic practical gore effects, and legitimately scary moments. While it mirrored key scenes and style elements of the original, this film carved it's own bloody path down a darker road.

7. The World's End
This final installment nicely rounds out the bizarre and hilarious "Cornetto Trilogy". While the final act of the movie felt week compared to the rest, it's anything but boring. It starts as a solid drama before diving headfirst into a sci-fi beat-'em-up. I've never seen anything quite like it.

6. The Way Way Back
A movie filled with painfully real characters playing out some painfully real moments. But it was entertaining and funny as heck too; Sam Rockwell had my laughing harder than most comedies last year, and Steve Carell nailed his performance as "douchebag boyfriend". If you enjoyed the likes of "Little Miss Sunshine" but wish it had more water parks, I would give this one a go.

5... For a look at my top five, check out my annual movie list over at Five-o-rama. That's right. This was all a scheme to lead you over there. Bwa-ha-ha!

Also, with the Academy Award nominations recently announced I'll share my predictions for some of the key awards:

Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

Best Supporting Actor:
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

Best Actor:
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Director:
Alfonso CuarĂ³n, Gravity

Best Film:
American Hustle 

You heard it here first.