Holiday Checklist

Where have I been, you ask? Oh ... you know, around. I've been staying indoors to avoid the cold and/or pesky human interaction. Yep, these days I've been doing little to no blog posting, infrequent Facebook status updates, and accepting the occasional grocery delivery via message tube so I don't have to look the delivery man in the eyes. I've kept myself occupied with work and fallen off the grid, as is my holiday tradition.Yes, sir, I'm just like a secret agent or loner or something.

I do hope the month has been going well for all of you (except for Glen - he knows what he did). Have you finished your Christmas shopping? Have you even started? Have you called your relatives and made up excuses about why their Christmas cards probably got delayed in the mail, as you stare at a stack of blank holiday cards sitting next to the phone?

Have you placed that order for the turducken, the aged cranberry cheese log, and the shrimp fountain? Have you taken your children to see Santa at the mall, and then wandered off to take pictures of strangers with iPhones at the Apple store? Have you finally convinced that special someone to jingle your bells, deck your halls, mistle your toe, and roast your chestnuts on an open innuendo?

Have you purchased a tree that's been chopped down in it's prime just so you can dress it up like a whore in your living room and discard it in a couple weeks, you monster? Have you purchased a fake tree instead; one made of non-biodegradable plastics and chemicals that will pollute the earth forever after you discard it in a couple years, you monster?

Have you hidden away that important gift in a place she or he would never think to look? Have you made a map so you'll remember where you hid the gift and how to find it? Have you hidden that map as well, and made an additional map to lead you to the original map? Have you locked away the second map and made a third map to find the key to the second map's safe? Have you eaten the third map? Have you rented the x-ray machine?

You have? Well, it looks like someone's ready for Christmas.

Hungry and I Know It

It's been a while since I've done a song parody, so here we go with my take on LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It". If you don't know, LMFAO is the spiritual successor to the rocking party-obsessed throne once held by Andrew W.K. Here's the music video for your following along pleasure, since it wouldn't let me embed the video directly (Lame!). Here we go.

---

When I walk on by, I got handfuls of ham and pie.
Ice cream in my face, and pockets full of sandwiches just in case, yeah
This is how I roll, handmade sweat pants out of control
I just got banned from a grocery store
But like Oliver Twist, yes I want some more, yo!

Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Girl look at this body, Just look at this body, My joints are shoddy,

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

When I walk in the room, this is what I see
Everybody stops 'cause they feel my gravity
I got a yearning deep inside and I ain't afraid to show it (show it, show it, show it)


I'm hungry and I know it
I'm hungry and I know it


When I'm at the mall, you'll find me eating burgers at Mr. Big and Tall
When I'm at the beach, I'm grabbing all the seafood that's in my reach.
Yes, I love fried dough, come on ladies it's time to go
We'll make a few stops, each one is a buffet.
No restraining order's gonna get in my way (Watch!)

Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Girl look at this body, Just look at this body, Someone's been naughty

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

When I walk in KFC, the owner starts to cry

He can hear my stomach rumbling, there's no reason to deny

I got a mission on my mind and I don't intent to blow it (blow it, blow it, blow it)

I'm hungry and I know it
I'm hungry and I know it
I'm hungry and I know it

Check it out
Check it out
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah!
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah!
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah!
Tacos and falafels and some waffles, yeah, yeah!
Got room for jello, man.
Got room for jello, man 
Yeah I'm hungry and I know it

Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body, Girl look at this body

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Girl look at this body, Just look at this body, I think I want biscotti,

uh, a-uh, I eat out!

Yeah I'm hungry and I know it!

Cine-Verse! Teeth (2007)

Guard your fingers and your groin,
And beware of biting teeth.
One set can be found above and another found beneath.

A small town girl with morals
Who is anything but mean.
And down below in hiding is a penile guillotine.

There's a bear trap in her bloomers,
And each dry hump is a risk,
It's her chamber of secrets with a snapping basilisk.

Every guy around her,
Tries to get her in the sack.
When they get to third base there may be no coming back.

The burden of her love life,
As a victim of mutation,
Means that every lusty meeting leads to painful separation.

While mutilated manhood
Is not pleasant to observe,
Each man that she encountered got just what he had deserved.

Blank Blank

And now for a short fake excerpt from the nonexistent novel The Armadillo Diaries by yours truly.

"How could you?!" she cried, even louder than before. With both hands pressed against the glass Linda began to scream hysterically:

 "I hate you! You're nothing but a fathead, lamebrain, dorkwad, gasbag, blockhead, halfwit, dipshit, numb nut, ass wipe, jerk off, dickhead, dingbat, nut job, dumbass, shithead, sleazeball, scumbag, low life, douche-bag, bullshit, asshole, fuckface!!"

It was then that the manager approached the lobster tank and asked Linda to leave the restaurant. 

 

Mitch & Roland: #64 Rumor

Stupid Moon

Hello, fellow pumpkin fans, and Happy Halloween to you! Today I'm presenting a special Halloween/Horror themed comic that I've drawn to celebrate this holiday I love. The idea came to me a week ago and I've spent the last 5 days frantically writing and sketching to meet the end of month deadline. I used A4 printer paper and a BIC ballpoint pen as my medium, because I'm a never measure/cut once kind of guy.

It turned out to be maybe the biggest single project I've done for this blog, and I'm pleased with the results. I hope you enjoy reading it. 

Affordable Scares

Here are some things I found at the local dollar emporium for Halloween fun on the cheap. Join me, won't you, for this shopping adventure.

Why would you need two clown noses in one package?  Well, you'll naturally have the first one punched off your face, so it's best to have a spare handy.

This bag seems to contain only a hollow black plastic sphere. How that makes it a weapon, I don't know.  I'm assuming some Chinese manufacturer had a bunch of extra plastic balls from their toy bowling sets and decided to just slap a Halloween label on them. Let the kids figure out what weapon it is. That's what imaginations are for.

Nothing says scary like purple glitter. Just think of how easily you'll fool your friends when they think you've grown your nails several inches and bedazzled them. Plus, if you don't want to go as the usual glam witch like all the other kids, you can always use them to transform into a gay werewolf.

Are you tired off all those other time consuming Hobo costume kits? I sure am. Time to move up to the INSTANT HOBO package. I'm assuming this bag is just filled with some dirt and cigarette butts for you to rub all over your clothes, face, and hair.

Also, just look at that vivid artwork. I can't tell if this hobo is smoking a carrot, or eating a metal-tipped turd.

Mitch & Roland: #63 Music

Cine-Verse! Attack the Block (2011)

When aliens appear from above,

Invade your turf, so push comes to shove.

Barricade the door,

And start rooting for

This teen gang you'll hate and then love.


It's like Super 8 with more blood and guts,
With hairy black beasts that look nuts.
There's humor, suspense,
and action intense
It's a must see - no ifs, ands, or buts.

Mapsession

A couple weeks back I watched a video online about a man who has been drawing an ever-growing map of an imaginary world for several decades. I was impressed by the commitment and creativity involved in maintaining this hobby. Days later while I was doodling I thought, why don't I try? So I got some paper, started drawing roads, and began forming my city.

I have to say creating a city that doesn't exist is pretty fun. As I continued to draw I found that my roads took on the grid-like quality of New York in some places, and the intersection nightmare of Paris in others. I began to imagine that the Parisian roads were part of an older more historical section of the city, while the grid was a modern, more developed area.

As I added additional sections to the map I added a river, parks, historical buildings, subway stations, and anything I thought it needed. I began naming districts and roads, and finally added some color. Here are the four segments I drew put together. Click for a larger view.

I'm pleased with how it turned out and I look at this as a practice run for another map. I don't plan to go out of control and keep drawing it for 40 years, but I sense where that man's obsession came from. Once you start, there is a strange interest in finding out what exists outside the borders of the world drawn so far. I've already started a new city map, which is similar in design to this one, and I'll post the results here if I think it's turning out well. That is all.

Cine-Verse! Modern Times (1936)

It's black and it's white, between silence and sound,
And a time when machines keep the working man down.
A tramp in a factory works hard at his job,
Then finds himself pummeled by corn on the cob
At the hands of some terrible feeding-machine.
So he goes a bit wacky and causes a scene.

Then he's thrown in the slammer for going insane,
And foils a jailbreak while high on cocaine.
Every time he gets out he wants back in the clink,
It's a cushier lifestyle, is what he must think.

So the tramp meets a girl just as homeless as he,
And they dream of a house, which fills them with glee.
To find one another is a gift from above:
An example of true hobo-sexual love.

The movie has a message that's simple and true:
Work hard for your love and love what you do.
Yes, there will be hard times every once in a while,
But buck up, don't give up, and wear a big smile.

The Refreshment Revolution

It's when I find things like this that I'm happy I investigate Asian grocery stores. This gem was hidden among the beverage cans.

Are you tired of trying to drink your peanuts without any milk? Do you find yourself longing for a refreshing can of soup with a smooth drinking taste? Then fret no longer! Introducing Milk Peanut with Soup! Is it a snack? Is it a drink? Is it a meal? Who knows!

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, but I've had plenty of milk peanut drinks in the past, what makes this peanut milk so special?"

Soup, bitch! Now you have the creamy goodness of milk, the satisfying crunch of peanuts, and the heartiness of a bowl of soup ... all in one! And it has all the four food groups in one convenient travel-ready can. Milk is your dairy, soups usually have grains and vegetables and stuff, and peanuts are the meat of the nut world.

It's the taste that's perfect for any situation. Been working out all day and need to replenish you electrolytes? Then reach for a frothy Milk Peanut with Soup. Having a party and the beer has run dry? Then tap a piping hot keg of Milk Peanut with Soup. Forgot your child's birthday? One force fed glass of Milk Peanut with Soup and all is forgiven.

It's great on toast, on your cereal, with crackers, and almost anywhere else. It's a universal drink that is tearing down the walls of beverage oppression. And it comes in a number of exciting varieties: Crunchy, Smooth, 1%, 2%, Homogenized, and Cream of Peanut.

Sure science and common sense will tell you that these flavors have no earthly business being together, but what does science really know about thirst? Who's to say that an ice cold soup with random peanuts isn't delicious? Or a choking hazard? I say drink now, ask questions later.

Milk Peanut with Soup ... It's the meal that eats like a drink.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round X

Today's game is "Sketch Theatre". If you've forgotten how to play this one: each picture is a literal depiction of the movie's title, or what the title sounds like.

If you're still stumped, click below...

Cine-Verse! Paul (2011)

Two geeks take a road trip - spaceships on their mind -
And have a close encounter of the Seth Rogan kind.
Paul makes dick jokes and references on the fly.
He's a bird-eating, bald ALF that likes to get high.

Also he's a sarcastic, wisecracking tool
In a movie that's trying too hard to be cool.
I wanted to like Paul but sadly instead,
I'd rather watch Hot Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead.

Cine-Verse! Hanna (2011) & Your Highness (2011)

I've settled on doing the Cine-Verse thing every Friday, so feel free to stop by each week for a random rhyming review. I'll be sticking mostly to one poem at a time, while throwing in the odd Limerick Double Feature ... which is what is happening right now! Enjoy.

There once was a pale girl named Hanna,
Who was trained by her dad, Eric Bana.
In fur-based fashion,
She's a teenage assassin,
Deadly blonde like a poison banana.

If you've written a comedy turd,
To appeal to the stoners and nerds:
When shit out of luck,
Just fall back on "fuck",
Who needs wit when you've got a swear word?

No Time For Them Fancy Chapter Plays On That There Picture Box

I think that I've done well in not watching a single episode of countless popular TV series. You name a show that everyone was talking about in the last 15 years or so, and I've avoided it entirely. The problem, however, is the feeling of being left out.

The thing that aggravates me is when people tell me I "really need to watch" a particular show. I'm not mad that they're recommending something they like to me, I'm mad because they think I have that kind of time to invest. Honestly, there's a huge disparity in the time commitment involved in watching a TV series versus a movie. Watch a film for 2 hours and it's done; life moves on. Watch 2 episodes of some popular show and you're in the middle of story arc that may or may not have an ending 40+ hours down the line.

"You should really watch BLANK. The second season is a little boring, but if you stick it out the third and fourth seasons really pay off. It's amazing!"

Nobody ever recommends a show to me when it's only a few episodes in. You know why? Because nobody knows that the show is incredible yet. I'm always finding out once I'm 50 episodes behind. There's no catching up on that. Not when everyone's talking about a season finale that I'm weeks or months away from seeing.

And how am I supposed to actually go about watching it? I don't have the channels they play on, so I can't just tune in. Am I supposed to upgrade my cable package? Am I supposed to rent or buy or borrow or download a season every weekend until I'm caught up? Again, the time and money involved is potentially huge.

I do want to watch some shows. I'd like to join in on a conversation about Breaking Bad, or Mad Men, or The Walking Dead, or any number of shows friends and family rave about. Sadly these days my free hours slip by before I know what to do with them, and I don't have time for your TV shows. Not even just the first season to see if I like it. Not even on DVD without the commercials.

Sorry. I'm just lame like that.

Hunched Over a Scanner

Just a quick post to let you know that all the Mitch and Roland comic strips have been restored to their former glory. After the account transition fiasco that obliterated all the images on this blog I've been slowly piecing it all back together. I spend a good chuck of the long weekend scanning, re-sizing, tweaking, and uploading all 60+ comics.

So, check them out if you'd like to relive the memories. More are on the way. Promise.

Cine-Verse! Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

If a demon's around,

And it's after your babies

And you dog's freaking out,

And you know it ain't rabies.

It's time to get cameras,

To thwart break and enters.

And check yellow pages

For "Haunted Pool Centers".

"Did you guys see that thing?

Well, it just moved a bit.

Or maybe it didn't.

Boy, that's scary as shit."

When you have pots and pans,

Who needs blood and gore?

All you need's fishing line,

And a slow moving door.

Mitch & Roland: #62 Tape

Oh, Mitch and Roland, it's been far too long. Why must you always become lost in the void known as "procrastination"?

Cine-Verse! Rango (2011)

The story of a tiny lost lizard named Rango,

With a sly crooked grin and skin like dried mango.

He wanders into town as a reptilian Django,

And spins a fierce tale like a passionate tango.

The citizens here, well, what can you say?

They're ugly as sin, yet I can't look away.

The water's dried up but they feel they must stay.

So it looks like ol' Rango's gonna have to save the day.

I didn't expect that this film had "the spark".

The humour is strange. The world vivid and dark.

There's mystery, action, and a great story arc.

If you like a good western, this one hits the mark.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round IX

Today's movie challenge is called "Boring Movies". I didn't come up with this one myself, but instead heard it from a friend who had heard it from a friend, so the origins are unknown.

The idea is to describe a movie in a single brief line to make it sound as dull as possible. For example, the description "Girl goes for walk with her dog" could be for The Wizard of Oz. It's fun trying to make the most exciting of movies sound boring as hell. See if you can solve the ones below, and feel free to post your own in the comments.

1) Teenager borrows old man's car.

2) Man delivers package late.

3) Boy spills water on Christmas gift.

4) Homeless artist wins card game.

5) Janitor does some math.

6) Man waits for bus.

7) An animal park doesn't open.

8) Boy skips class to read book.

9) People stand on the roof for a while.

10) Kids walk across yard.

Stumped? Check below.

Cine-Verse! The Towering Inferno (1974)

A building stands tall, reaching out towards space,

With a party on top to laugh in God's face.

Made of glass, and of steel, and lots of cheap wire,

This tower was perfect for catching on fire.

The guest have their shindig and none of them know

That danger is spreading 50 stories below.

McQueen tries to tell them they should all run away

But they'd rather keep hanging with Faye Dunaway.

So they continue their party without so much panic,

Blind to the fact that it's a towering Titanic.

This movie has taught me these things about towers:

They're capable of burning for hours and hours.

Elevators are death traps and we should all fear them,

And stairwells explode whenever you're near them.

Wet towels won't protect you when worn like a hat.

But O.J. Simpson will save you (if you are a small cat).

Rogue Hares

See what I did there?

This is probably a stupid comment, but I've noticed a surprising amount of rabbits this summer. I've seen at least a dozen in the last month, which strikes me as odd since I live downtown and the only animals I'm used to seeing are squirrels, pigeons, and hobos.

When I think of rabbits I think of the woods and grassy fields. I don't think of the city. So I'm surprised to see rabbits hopping along the sidewalks, or chilling in front of Starbucks. Are rabbits the new rat? Because that would be awesome.

I never noticed any rabbits last summer, so I can only assume that this is part of some city-wide initiative in Ottawa to make things more adorable. Did they feed Viagra to a bunch of bunnies and let them loose on Parliament Hill? I'm sure I would have seen something in the paper about that.

Or maybe this is the start of an unstoppable outbreak of rabbits that is quickly getting out of control. Soon they'll be overwhelming the streets, knocking over garbage cans, eating all the flowers, and trampling people to death in the cutest stampede you've ever seen.

In any case I support this development. The only thing I recommend is that we dress them up in waistcoats with pocket watches.

Rogue Hairs

Some people are able to beard (yes, beard is a verb) their way through life successfully, and others need to fight nature and shave themselves constantly until death. I'm part of the second group.

I hate shaving. Not just because it's a tedious chore to maintain my pudgy baby-like visage, but because it usually leaves me bleeding out the face. I've used the 2 blade disposables, the Mach 3's, and the overkill Quattro's. They all achieve equal results with an equal number of accidents.

Years ago I bought an electric razor thinking that it would solve all my problems. I'd watched my father use one, my grandfather use one, so why not me? An easy shaving experience without the bloodbath? Sign me up! Think of all the money I'll save when I don't have to buy shaving foam and replacement blades. Sadly, the razor sucked ass. I used it for a few months before giving up and letting it collect dust in a cabinet.

I received another electric razor as a gift years down the road and decided to give it another go. I figured my facial hair was thicker and more developed for the harsh realities of electric shaving. I was wrong. I was left with the same irritating struggle and soon gave up.

Which brings me to last year. As if some strange amnesia fell upon me, I decided to get ANOTHER electric razor. This time I dropped a fair chunk of change thinking that it would lead to a higher quality product and higher quality results. Well, after using it for many months I've come to the clear conclusion:

Electric razors are bullshit. They are complete garbage and it's always the same goddamn story! I can't completely shave my face. It's like some hairs are invulnerable to it. I can stand there rubbing my face raw for 30 minutes and still have stray untouched hairs sticking out and mocking me. I try everything; approaching from different angles, using different levels of pressure, circular motions, side to side, swiping, stabbing. It's all useless. Sure, I'm not cutting myself, but now it feels like I've been shaving with a dildo made of sandpaper.

And when I do finally finish "shaving" (not because I'm satisfied, but because I've been defeated) I'm left with the farthest thing from a close shave. A 40 cent disposable razor will give me a nice clean shave that'll last, but when I use an electric razor my five o'clock shadow is hours early. It's so much bullshit I'd throw up if wasn't already in agony.

So that's my rant. Electric razor's suck, I hope you never buy one. You're better off shaving with an arrowhead, broken glass, or one of those wind-up chattery teeth toys.

How To Birthday

Today marks the epic global holiday known as my birthday. 28 years ago today the Awesomeness Index read off the charts as I was birthed. Some say that a high frequency electromagnetic concussive blast occurred at the moment I entered this world and that everyone in the hospital suffered injuries from the "shock wave of wicked". The doctor himself was blinded from staring too long into the epicenter of the event. He regrets nothing.

If you wish to celebrate the day in true Shane-like fashion, please follow this traditional 3 step plan:

Step One: Be so awesome it fucking hurts.

Step Two: Shotgun a beer. Then shotgun a birthday cake.

Step Three: Pluck a star from the night sky and feed it to a panther. Then fight the panther to get it back.

Have fun!

Cine-Verse! Love and Other Witch Bureaus

As I try to settle on the most enjoyable way to review films for my blog I've decided on a more creative method: Poetry!

Settle down, settle down! So the basics are the same because I'm still writing about a handful of movies I watched recently for the first time. But this time it's gonna rhyme, dog. Enjoy.

Super 8 (2011)

This is skillful filmmaking; nostalgic and new,

Filled with monsters and mayhem, and mystery too.

The thing that impressed me, 'cause the order was tall,

Was the group of kid actors who don't suck at all

Harry Brown (2009)

An old quiet man loses all he holds dear,

And decides that he's through with living in fear.

The gangs on the street will pay for his pain,

For tonight vengeance goes by the name Michael Caine.

Season of the Witch (2011)

A crusade/buddy film about transporting a witch,

But this witch is a demon, now ain't that a bitch?

Bad lines, lousy fights, two actors who don't care,

And a plot that's thinner than Nic Cage's hair.

Midnight in Paris (2011)

An engaged man in Paris finds his life less sublime,

Goes walking at midnight and travels through time.

He finds the nights brighter, and filled with such folly

With Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Picasso, and Dali.

The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

A ballerina falls for a politician who can be trusted

But it seems that the MAN wants their future adjusted.

Magic doors, magic hats, and men without guns.

Look out, Matt Damon! Grab the fedora and run!

No Strings Attached (2011)

The girl from Black Swan, and the guy who says "dude".

A whole lotta bonin', and not that much nude.

A relationship forms and their lives feel complete

More so than just humping like rabbits in heat.

Love and Other Drugs (2010)

Sex without commitment that leads to true love.

It's the same damn story as the movie above.

It's like No Strings Attached with a bonus of tits,

Or some early version of Friends With Benefits.

Lobster Legs and the Fun Police

When I was out in the hot sun for several hours on Canada Day, I made a crucial mistake. I put sunscreen on my neck, my face, and my arms, ... but not my legs. Why should I bother? I figured my legs are all the way down there, how could the sun's harmful rays possibly reach them? It wasn't until I got home that I realized my legs had been boiled alive.

It's not so bad. I can still do stuff as long as it doesn't involve bending or moving my legs. If anyone needs me this week, I'll be over there, standing in a barrel of aloe.

Here's a picture I done took while I was out slow roasting my calves:

This sign amuses me. Not because it was trying to keep amateur circus acts off a very busy sidewalk, but because the sign shows a slash through a juggling figure, as if it were prohibiting fun itself. I kept hoping I would see some busker nearby being pinned to the ground and handcuffed by two cops, his violin crushed beneath him.

This Canada Day merriment was kept in line. Remember, if you're going to have a good time in Ottawa make sure it's by the books.

The Green Challenge: Third Update

Progress: 696 hours without meat

Status: Full, but not fulfilled.

Well, the month is just about done and the finish line is in sight to a race nobody asked me to run. Will I be a winner? It's hard to say.

There are two things I want to address in this update. The first is indigestion. I would say that I have a strong stomach, one that laughs in the face of abuse. I lived in Korea and ate a hearty diet of red pepper pastes and garlic for every meal, and I almost never suffer from indigestion or heartburn. However this month, especially in the last two weeks I've been experiencing heartburn on a daily basis.

This is an unexpected development. Does it have any connection to this vegetarian challenge? Is it mere coincidence that it started the day after I realized whiskey and mozzarella sticks have no meat in them? I'm not sure. All I know is that my stomach is upset about something and it's going to get my attention or burn down the factory trying.

The other thing I wanted to mention is the dissatisfaction I feel at times with the food I'm eating. Look, some days I forget that that I've cut anything from my diet and I live my life happily, and other days I have to resist the urge to punch my way through a chip wagon like a T-1000 just to get at the cheeseburgers. I've tried a number of meat substitutes in different meals like veggie patties in a burger, vegan sausage in pasta, tofu in a stir-fry, etc. In each case I found the food to be delicious, yet I wasn't satisfied. It must all be in my head, but I feel like something is missing, like I'm eating a knock-off version of a name brand meal.

July is nearly here, and I'm looking forward to easing myself back onto the bacon train. I'll try not to go crazy all at once. The last thing I need to go into a meat-eating frenzy on Canada Day and wind up on the news because I flipped a hotdog cart and ate bratwurst off the ground like an animal. Until then, I'm going to see if Pepto-Bismol makes a decent salad dressing.

Fractal Dragons and Hidden Pixels

If you have graph paper on hand why not draw some fractals? All the cool kids are doing it. I've been toying around with drawing and designing fractals because it's a good way to pass the time, and to look like a huge nerdy nerd. I figured I would practice with a famous one, known as the Dragon Curve:

If you want to draw your own Dragon Curve (I bet you're fucking stoked), all you need to do is draw a straight line, then copy the line again at a 90 degree angle so it connects at the end of the previous line. Then copy those two lines again turned 90 degrees. Then copy those 4 lines turned another 90 degrees, and so on and so on until you go mad or lose your patience.

I like the strange spiraling pattern that emerges after copying and rotating a few times. But it's easy to lose track of what you're doing as the pattern becomes twice as complicated each time. The picture above took me four attempts (and I still had to scratch out a small mistake).

Here's a fractal that I made up:

Now I don't know if this fractal is completely original or if it was actually discovered in the 30's by some Austrian mathematician. I just started in the middle with a cross and began branching out equally in all directions and following a few basic rules I laid out for myself.

As I was drawing it I noticed emerging shapes that reminded me of video games. Can you spot the Mario mushroom, Zelda rupees and fairies, metroids, or Pac-Man? I like the way it turned out, though I would have kept going if I hadn't run out of paper.

Stupid paper, why must you have limits while my imagination hath none?

Space Creature Sketches

Thought I would share some sketches I did recently while at work. But Shane, you say, work is where you're supposed to work. I'll be the judge of that.

The collective theme in mind while I was drawing them is alien humanoid creatures. I imagine them to be part of crew on an intergalactic spaceship. Or visions from a drug-induced trance.

The Green Challenge: Second Update

Progress: 432 hours without meat.

Status: Tofurious?

Well, I've already made it more than halfway through this month and I think things are going well. I had a few moments of desperate hunger where I came close to buying a hamburger, but I've stayed strong.

I've found myself being more irritable and easily angered this month. It's like I'm losing my patience and becoming pissed off with almost any slight inconvenience. I don't know if it has any connection to this challenge, but look at all the aggressive vegetarians throughout history: Leonardo Da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Gandhi, Paul McCartney, Ellen DeGeneres, the list goes on!

The other night I had a dream where a giant slab of tofu was rampaging through the streets destroying everything in its path. Buildings were torn asunder and the air was filled with the screams of thousands as beams of fire erupted from its lifeless eyes.

I'm just joking of course. I haven't slept in two weeks.

Monday Movie Challenge - Round VIII

Today I present a simple game I call "Vowel Movement". It's quite simple. I've taken all the vowels out of some movie titles and moved all the words together in one clump. For example, "Pulp Fiction" would be shown as "PLPFCTN". Can you figure you what they all are? All the titles have two words or more.

Good luck. And if you feel you can stump me, post a challenge in the comments.

1) DLMFRMRDR

2) CNSLVN

3) CHLRDNFMN

4) THSLND

5) LDSCHL

6) NMYTTHGTS

7) SPHSCHC

8) THLPHNTMN

9) NTHHTFTHNGHT

10) THJNGLBK

11) GNWTHTHWND

12) DCKSP

13) NMLHS

14) RDSNJ

15) CG

For those of you desperate for answers, click below.

Cinema-plosion! The Crazies of Madison County

And now for another round of "The Ten Most Recent Films I've watched". I know you've been craving some awkwardly short reviews.

Burn After Reading (2008)

It's hard to sum up this movie in a few short sentences, so I'll just say that the movie is about a web of idiots, liars, and maniacs. It's also very entertaining. I was laughing out loud on several occasions for the way it mixed humour and shocks.

Also, if you enjoy watching John Malkovich reaching 'Malkovich' levels of anger, you can't go wrong here. I thought at several points his head would explode.

The Crazies (2010)

I haven't seen the original, but I'm certain this version ups the ante with over the top violence, gore, and entertainment. I had a blast watching this, and I give it extra points for having the best " scary automated car wash" scene ever.

Session 9 (2001)

I watched this film on the recommendation that it was one of the scariest films in the last decade, and I was sorely disappointed. You would think a film about a cleaning crew working on an abandoned mental hospital at night would be overflowing with terrors, but the only frightening thing was David Caruso's "acting".

I say pass on this one. If you like movies with asylum-scares, go watch House on Haunted Hill.

Green Hornet (2011)

I don't know how true this movie stays to the Green Hornet fiction, but I do know that it was aggravating to watch Seth Rogen as that character. Aside from a few well designed fight sequences, the movie is forgettable and downright bad.

The main problem was that I hated the hero. I got sick of him being a talent-less buffoon, while his genius sidekick did everything and saved his ass at every turn. It was like an episode of Inspector Gadget minus the fun and charm.

The Ruins (2008)

One day I decided to watch this movie with my brother on his computer, and half way through his computer imploded and died. Strangely, we didn't finish watching it until over a year later. Mostly we enjoyed a year of jokes about The Ruins, ruining his computer.

Anyway, it's a movie about killer plants in the jungle. If that sounds interesting to you, then go watch it on a device you wouldn't mind seeing destroyed.

The Room (2003)

I'd long heard tales of this cult film being perhaps the worst film ever made. And all the stories were true. It was so goddamned bad that it defies reason.

However, this is perfect "so bad it's good" material, so if you have a chance to watch it with wisecracking friends, then absolutely do it. You may rupture your spleen laughing.

The Bridges of Madison County (1995)

After resisting the deliciously heartbreaking romance of a photographer and a housewife for 16 years, I finally gave in. I liked the actors, the performances, and the story, but I can probably get by never watching it again. Maybe my mistake was watching it on TV where the commercials extended the experience into a roughly 9 hour affair.

If you like romantic dramas and crying softly into the night AND haven't seen this, what are you waiting for? This county isn't getting any bridge-ier.

Tron: Legacy (2010)

For me, this is the perfect followup to Tron. Just like the original it's visually innovative, mostly boring, and yet strangely appealing. It's weird. There are parts of the film that I thought were spectacular, and everything in between I have virtually no memory of, like I fell into deep coma for huge chunks of the movie.

So I liked it. But I don't need to see a new Tron movie every couple years from here on out. The Tron mythology cannot and should not sustain a franchise.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

I was warned by Potter fans that this movie is mostly boring and just a lot of Harry and company laying low in the forest of angst. It's true, but it was more entertaining than I expected. There were plenty of thrilling moments, and it's amazing to see how dark the movies have gotten since the cheery days of the Philosopher's Stone.

If you like the Harry Potter movies and missed this in the theatre, I would recommend renting it a day or two before Part 2 comes out. Ha, ha, just kidding. No one rents movies anymore.

Rio (2011)

A small town macaw heads to the big city and shortly after a rainbow explodes. Yep, visually the film is beautiful. It's festive, vibrant, ... prismatic? But will it go down in history as a great family film? I'm going to have to say, no.

Look, kids are going to love the colorful tropical birds, the spastic monkeys, and the gross dog, but everyone else is going to be only slightly amused.