Canada's Worst Export

Breaking news, people. Put down the ice cream and pay attention. I hope you're sitting down, or at least leaning against something sturdy. Yes, the refrigerator will do. Again, please put down the ice cream. Okay... Justin Bieber has been arrested.

Okay, calm down, calm down. He's already been released on bail, but that doesn't change the fact that he was arrested for a DUI and it's probably because he's a cocky, reckless shithead. I'm upset too. I'm happy when a Canadian achieves worldwide success, but I'm sad when they turn out to be a complete tool. Belieb me when I say, Justin is a world class tool, and we can only apologize so much.

When he's not busy on stage performing bad songs via mediocre singing and dancing, Justin enjoys abandoning pet monkeys in Europe, or spitting on his fans from a balcony. He's also keen on injuring people with his car, urinating on camera, getting busted for possession, and visiting brothels in South America. He's the world's busiest douchebag.

Earlier this month Beiber egged his neighbour's house and apparently did thousands of dollars worth of damage. Thousands? Was he using a catapult to hurl ostrich eggs, or was he wielding some rapid fire quail egg gatling gun?

Soon after this childish attack the police searched his home for evidence of the vandalism. Did they stumble upon hundreds and hundreds of egg cartons with incriminating fingerprints? No. Unless he was cracking eggs into his hands, pocketing the shells, and throwing raw goo, all the evidence was left at the scene of the attack. You see? It's the perfect crime. You're a sly one, Bieber. And watch out Los Angeles Sheriff's Department, you may be in for the teepee-ing of a lifetime.

With all his bullshit, I don't blame Americans for wanting to deport him. But do you honestly think Canada wants him back either? Can't we find a happy compromise and banish him to the ocean or something? Just let him float through the icy expanse like some lonely Beiberg? Yeah. I like the sound of that.

Enjoy the North Atlantic, Justin. Hope you packed more than just a goofy hat and a wife-beater. Remember, you can't survive on swag alone.

Mitch & Roland: #71 Bargain

Cinema 2013

Now that I'm finally caught up on most of the movies I wanted to see from 2013, thought I would do a quick rundown of my ten favourites from last year.

10. Spring Breakers
Repulsive and hypnotic at the same time, this movie most certainly made me feel like a pervert watching it. Even more so that I ended up liking it. It has some memorable sequences (such as the piano montage or the restaurant robbery) and the movie continually caught me off guard. It's not gonna win any Oscars, but I appreciate the insanity of it all.

9. American Hustle
Solid performances all around, a killer soundtrack, and some hilarious moments grabbed this movie a spot on the list. With a cast like this, it's no wonder there's already awards buzz. Amy Adams gave a great performance, and every scene between Bradley Cooper and Louis CK was gold.

8. Evil Dead
I have endless love for the original Evil Dead movies, and this "reboot" paid proper homage to the series without seeming like a copy. The movie sidestepped the campy goodness of Ash, and chose a more hardcore horror path. But it still worked for me. It had fantastic practical gore effects, and legitimately scary moments. While it mirrored key scenes and style elements of the original, this film carved it's own bloody path down a darker road.

7. The World's End
This final installment nicely rounds out the bizarre and hilarious "Cornetto Trilogy". While the final act of the movie felt week compared to the rest, it's anything but boring. It starts as a solid drama before diving headfirst into a sci-fi beat-'em-up. I've never seen anything quite like it.

6. The Way Way Back
A movie filled with painfully real characters playing out some painfully real moments. But it was entertaining and funny as heck too; Sam Rockwell had my laughing harder than most comedies last year, and Steve Carell nailed his performance as "douchebag boyfriend". If you enjoyed the likes of "Little Miss Sunshine" but wish it had more water parks, I would give this one a go.

5... For a look at my top five, check out my annual movie list over at Five-o-rama. That's right. This was all a scheme to lead you over there. Bwa-ha-ha!


Also, with the Academy Award nominations recently announced I'll share my predictions for some of the key awards:

Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

Best Supporting Actor:
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

Best Actor:
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Director:
Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity

Best Film:
American Hustle 

You heard it here first.

SMS (So Much Stuff)

Doing Laps at the Buffet

Fork vs. Ford

In recent news New York Mayor Bill de Blasio was caught eating pizza with a knife and fork, and apparently that was upsetting to some voters. There was even the word "Forkgate" being thrown around. What's next, people? Throw him out of office if he accidentally wears mismatched socks? 

If there are actual New Yorkers who are upset by the eating habits of their Mayor, they really need to get a grip on reality. How does it matter at all? I wouldn't care if he ate steak with chopsticks, or rice pudding with his bare hands.

Besides, living in Toronto this year has taught me what a true mayoral scandal can be. Rob Ford has already let us know about his eating habits, and I don't think he's using hands or utensils. If the worst thing our Mayor does this month is eat lunch with cutlery, I'd say things are going swell.

In order for other cities to compete in the same scandal realm as Ford they would have to admit to drunk driving through a school playground, or committing adultery on a roller coaster, or eating a baby panda on live television. Eating pizza with a fork? That's not a scandal, it's not even worth calling a faux pas.

Deep Freeze Dangers!

Between last month's blackouts across the city after the ice storm, and this week's minus 40-ish frozen hellscape, I think I've already had my fill of winter. But we may just be getting started.

Here's a list of the greatest dangers you will face in this treacherous season. Being aware of these dangers may be key to you and your family's survival, so take notes.

• When using cold public toilets always quickly dive to the floor in order to avoid a possible blast of frozen fecal shards.
• Wearing scarves may keep your neck toasty, but be careful not to leave the ends dangling freely in the wind as they may become caught in tree branches, or be grabbed by greedy passing motorists. 
• Hot drinks may warm you up, but don't exceed five a day. Apple Cider Overdose is real and it may look festive, but it's not pretty.
• When walking outside in strong winds, never yawn with an uncovered mouth. The wind may inflate you like a balloon. The cold wind may also cause discomfort to sensitive teeth, but that first thing could happen too I bet.
• Rapid changes in body temperature can cause the human body to crack apart. When coming indoors after extended periods outside, always transition by sitting inside the fridge for 10 minutes. 
• To prevent slips on icy sidewalks, try walking closer to the road where the snow drifts will offer more traction. Also, keep your center of gravity low by crawling.
• Your face is the most vulnerable part of your body with windchill warnings. Invest the time in growing a beard. For women: wear your jacket backwards with the hood up and have a bearded man lead you to your destination.
• When the weather is cold enough for you to see your own breath, this is actually part of your soul trying to escape and find a warmer location. Hold your breath more.

'The Bachelor' Recap

'The Bachelor' is such a stupid and entertaining show for so many reasons. I just love watching a bunch of stressed nitwits staring daggers at one another while being force-fed romance. It's garbage drama turned up to 11 between a bunch of two-faced sluts. Here's a recap of the first episode this season.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

AND THEN LATER

Wheel of Forever

How has Wheel of Fortune remained on the air for so long? It's been around for as long as I can remember with only minor changes to the show's design. What was the original pitch like?

"Okay, here's the deal. It's gonna be this gameshow, right? It'll be like hangman for adults-"

"Boring."

"Hold on, you win money by guessing letters."

"Money, you say? I'm listening."

"Okay, so you have this giant wheel they have to spin."

"Like 'The Price is Right'?"

"No, not like 'The Price is Right'... well, kind of... okay it's exactly like that, but the wheel won't be standing up, it'll be on the ground. It'll be real big, real heavy, real loud, and awkward as heck to reach, and the contestants will have to spin it every damn turn."

"Sounds like that would get repetitive pretty quick. How about just doing the wheel thing during the final round?"

"No, for the entire show! Every turn, I told you! It's all about this fucking wheel and spinning it. We're even going to name the show after the wheel."

"Really? I thought it would be called 'Hangman' or something like that."

"No. It'll be called 'Lucky Wheel' or 'Go Go Money Wheel', I haven't figured that part out yet."

"I don't know about this..."

"Shut-up. It's brilliant. We'll have a beautiful woman up there revealing the letters as they guess them."

"Well, we probably could save some money and just rig up something to reveal the letters automatically."

"Yeah, right! Then the show is over in 8 minutes and then what? I'm telling you. One lady up there wearing a new dress every day for the next 45 years."

"Look, I'm all for the beautiful lady idea, but we can change that person up every couple years or so."

"To hell with that! All you do is find some girl that doesn't age at the normal rate, is good at clapping, and doesn't mind doing an activity that's essentially meaningless. Plus we'll get some guy to host the show and have him sign a contract for life. I want this guy to watch contestants guess letters until he dies. Preferably on the air, right onto the wheel."

"... (sigh)... I guess we could give it a shot for a season. But I'm telling you, no one is going to watch people spin a big dumb wheel while playing a children's game."

"Oh yes they will. This wheel will outlive us all!"

"Please sit down."

Realistic Goals

There's no disputing it, keeping a New Years resolution is hard. Nearly impossible, even. Here are some helpful tips to stay on track.

More Things I'm Tired of Seeing on the Bus

A couple months ago I shared some shit I hate about my daily commute on the bus. Here are some more things that make me lose hope in humanity. Remember, kids, complaining not only feels good, it clears the blood of harmful toxins.

Filthy Windows: Nothing emphasizes the feeling of being trapped like have no view of the outside world as you hurtle through the frozen city in a shaky metal box. Shouldn't it be necessary to give the side windows a little wipe down once every couple of days so that we can raise the visibility above 0%? It feels like a safety issue, it's disorienting and depressing for passengers, and basically it makes public transit even less appealing.

The Aggressive Exit: When the bus comes to a complete stop, there's usually a 1-2 second window where the rear doors have not been activated to allow passengers to exit. And yet it's still plenty of time for people to lose their goddamn minds. I saw a guy grab both handles and force this way out in order to save a millisecond. You could hear the distinct grinding sound of parts breaking inside the door as he did it. I've seen people slam their bodies into the door as if they were a rabid gorilla trying to escape a burning cage. Calm down, Coco. I want to get off as soon as possible too, but all it takes is a light nudge on the handles and the doors will swing open like magic. This is an automatic door, not a prison break.

The Aggressive Entry: You would think that adults would understand simple concepts like this one: in order to get on the bus, you must first allow others to get off. Two objects may not occupy the same space simultaneously. Whether it's a public bus or an elevator, people just can't wait to shove their stupid bodies into the next available area. It makes about as much sense as trying to eat while throwing up.

Seat Hoarders: Even when a bus is jam packed with people, there will still be individuals who try to keep as many seats to themselves because they are horrible human beings. Guess what, Grandma, if there are dozens of people standing on the bus, it's basic courtesy to scoot over to the window seat and free up that additional spot. Plus - this may surprise you - your bag is not a person. Move it to the floor, your lap, or sit on it for all I care. It doesn't deserve a whole seat to itself.

SEVEN YEARS

Happy New Year, and cheers to seven years of blogging. While I'm happy to be celebrating this important anniversary, I'm ashamed that the amount I blogged in 2013 was pitiful. I have set my new goal and plan to kick things into high gear for a wondrous 2014. Join me, won't you?

That's right. While all of you are making important, meaningful New Years resolutions like losing weight, quitting smoking, giving up betting on monkey fights, etc... I'm here making some important decisions. Such as increasing the rate at which I upload text to the Interwebs.

Here's to another seven! *clink*