Power On

Late Sunday night Brian carefully went though his usual routine before bed.

First he plugged in his laptop to make sure it would be fully charged when taking it to work. He also made sure to pack the car adapter plug just in case. Brian then plugged in his cellphone, his tablet computer, his eReader, and his MP3 player to charge as well. Moving to the bedroom he plugged in his electric razor, two different handheld gaming systems, and his trusty electric toothbrush. 

Using seven extension cords and twelve battery chargers on his remaining available outlets he began the tedious task of swapping out over fifty-four rechargeable batteries for his wireless keyboard, wireless mouse, four different game console controllers, wireless headphones, wireless speakers, clock radio, and remotes for his TV, dvd player, blu-ray player, stereo system, and electric fan.

He moved quickly between every USB cable, docking station, and power bar, never needing to pause and flip over a plug so it would fit, or second guessing if the correct battery was double or triple 'A'. In a strange way he was a modern master of electronic efficiency.

Brian nodded in approval of his work. His home was now humming and twinkling with dozens of tiny red, green, and blue lights. Brian stopped by the kitchen to set the timer on his coffee machine before heading to bed and quickly falling into a deep slumber. Around 3:27am Brian perished when a raging fire engulfed his home. Firefighters later discovered a half-melted smoke detector with an empty battery compartment.

Less is Less: A Short Story About Cake

Long ago humans desired sweets and an excuse to consume sweets at any opportunity. Great minds came together and the cake was created. Any and all celebrations were instantly enhanced.

Later as the popularity of cakes grew the ease of personal cake transport became a concern. While a slice of cake was nice, a miniature version would be easier to consume on the go. Soon the cupcake made shockwaves of joy around the world.

The popularity of the cake held strong for ages, but then some jackass decided he could get away with selling a single bite of cake and created Cake Pops: a frustrating amount of cake at an inexcusably high price sold on a stupid stick. Ugh.

Society pulled its hair out in anguish at this cake farce. "What's next", they demanded to know while flipping cop cars over in the street, "are you going to sell plastic spoons with a tiny bit of pie and call them 'Spoon Pies' and sell them for $2.50 a piece?"

"I don't know," replied the Council of Baked Goods, "Would people buy that?"

"Probably!" screamed Society. "I'm sure if you sell them in stupid boutiques and coffee shops some idiots would buy them. All you need to do is slap the word 'gourmet' on it."

"Hmmm, good thinking." The High Elder nodded in approval.

"NO! Don't actually do that. We're being sarcastic!" Society crumpled to the ground in tears. A nearby convenience store in flames began to collapse.

"The Council has spoken!" The booming voice of the Grand Cake Pope echoed across the land. "From now on all baked sweets must be sold in portions no greater than my thumb. Preferably on a stick, or served in a thimble."

Later that week all the remaining full sized cakes were confiscated and divided up into millions of portions. Darkness fell across the land and somewhere a baker cried into his apron. Mini-Cake Pops were created, then the Micro-Danish, and later Banana Bread Crumb-ettes.

Soon obesity and many of the health conditions caused by excess weight disappeared entirely. Everyone was healthy and thin, but depressed because they were completely broke from buying a tenth of an ounce of fudge.

Society spent the last of their resources to build giant rocket ships and flee Earth, roaming the cosmos in search of more reasonably sized desserts. The Council Elders sat glumly on their piles of gold, alone with their greed on a joyless planet. A few months later the Earth exploded because it was really sad.

The End

Happy Friday, everyone! Have some goddamn cake.

Things I'm Tired of Seeing On The Bus

Baby Strollers: There needs to be a limit on the number of strollers allowed on a bus at any given time. I'm suggesting 1, preferably zero. Also, why are baby strollers doubling in size every year? It looks like these parents are trying to push a combination lawn swing, Vespa, and wheelchair on the bus and it's not going to be pretty. There's already a traffic jam outside the bus, we don't need another one inside the bus.

Dumb Baseball Caps: If you're going to wear a cap, just wear the damn thing. Don't leave it lightly resting atop your hair looking like a plastic lego accessory, just wear it! Take off the size sticker and press it onto your stupid skull before I do.

Moron Parents: Please watch your kids. Don't leave your pack of shrieking kids at the front of the bus while you sit at the back because there was a seat free, then proceed to shout at them every half-minute telling them to settle down. Don't be a backseat parent, just watch your kids.

Ripped Jeans: If the holes and rips in your jeans are so numerous and gaping that you would be more concealed wearing shorts ... then you're officially just draping your legs with garbage. Get off the bus at the next available stop, find a mall, and becoming a functioning human being.

People Who Reek (aka The Skuzz): If you can't be bothered to rinse your body off every now again, do not put yourself in an enclosed metal box with limited ventilation. And don't just empty a can of Axe body spray on yourself and then think everything is okay. You're just trading one stench for another.

Cellphone Shouters: Think your conversation is important enough to share with 20-30 strangers? It's not. Get the fuck off the phone. I have yet to hear one single phone call on a bus that seemed important enough to warrant yacking one's face off in public. The time has come to start ejecting people off the bus against their will, then maybe they'd actually have something worth talking about.

Mitch & Roland: #70 Show

The Age of Getting Older

It's been a weird year. Having just turned 30 in July I'm facing the dawn of a new life phase. I think that means I need to be more mature, take care of my body, focus on my career, make babies and such, but you will have to tear this comic book and ice cream sandwich from angry hands before that happens.

I know I'm getting older because I see a chasm stretching out between me and popular culture, and it grows everyday. That's not always a bad thing since whatever it was that happened at the VMA's this year was an ugly, gross, and stupid affair. I'm pretty sure it alienated all human beings, not just the old ones.

These days I find myself caring less and less about what people think of me and my choices, which is nice. But I'm also becoming angrier and angrier at other people's choices, which can't be good for my health. All my life it's been the small stuff that bothers me: You tell me that a family member was devoured by wild dogs ... ah, c'est la vie. You tell me the egg yolk broke ... I storm out of the room knocking shit over.

Maybe that's what getting older is all about. You stop caring about what's cool, you bitch more about the little things, and learn to love who you are along the way. Sounds alright.

Mitch & Roland: #69 Lag

It's been a crazy long time since I've posted on here with a drawing or otherwise. It's obvious I haven't been budgeting my time well. To the faithful readers who pop in from time to time to see a new post, you have my thanks.

Bumpy Skies

On a recent flight I witnessed a man across the aisle from me have a panic attack during some mild turbulence. Here are the top five terrible things going through my mind I could have said to him:

1. "Wow, this is the worst turbulence I've ever experienced. Do you smell smoke?"
2. "I think this flight is haunted."
3. "Shit, I had a dream about this last night. I remember you being scared right before the explosion and everything."
4. "I sure hope all this shaking doesn't knock the lid off my bee container."
5. "Sir, I just want you to know, if anything happens, ... I'm eating you first."

Betting on the False Alarm

The other night as I was readying myself for slumber, my apartment building's fire alarm began to blare.  I begrudgingly got dressed, grabbed some pocket essentials, and hit the stairs down to the lobby just as firefighters were arriving. In the end, it was a false alarm. A shitty prank, but I'll take a prank over all my belongings going up in smoke any day.

So what's the point? These things happen all the time.

I bring this up because while I waited outside for the alarms to be shut off, I noticed that there was about 20 people waiting with me. That's what I found most alarming.

First of all, my apartment building is huge. If I calculate the number of floors, the number of apartments per floor, and estimate only 2 people living in each one (which is generously low), I estimate over 500 residents in this building.

Okay, but not everyone will be home all the time.

Oh, absolutely. It was after midnight on a friday so let's be crazy and say that HALF of everyone living in the building was out socializing. And of course, some people may be working night shifts, or travelling out of town, or running to the store for condoms and lotto tickets, so let's cut that number in HALF again and pretend all those people were also not at home.

So where does that leave us? Well, aside from the 20 people who exited the building, that still leaves OVER 100 PEOPLE who sat in their apartment and waited out 30 minutes of deafening alarms because ... what? They had a hunch that there wasn't really a fire?

I admit that I didn't really believe there was a fire either, but why take that chance? It's fire alarm procedure to exit the building anyway. So does this mean that a quarter of the residents are deaf? Or just lazy? Did dozens of people figure, well, I already put the kids to bed, I don't want to be bothered with all the coats and shoes it's going to take to maybe save their lives.

That's another thing. Of the few people I saw that night ... no kids. And I know there are tons of children living here, I see them all the time. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I don't know. Maybe my math is all wrong. Maybe a vast number of the apartments only have one resident and they like to go out and party hard. Maybe all the families here have fathers who work late and mothers who take the kids to see grandma on the weekends. Maybe numerous residents are confined to their home because they're morbidly obese and wear fire-retardent pajamas.

Or maybe ... a lot of people are fucking dumb.

Stuff That Happened Last Month

So Hungry I Could Mistakingly Eat A Horse!

No doubt you've heard about the horse meat scandal and feel free to insert your own hotdog joke here. But seriously, this is an outrage. Can you imagine how betrayed the meat-eating public must feel to buy the flesh of one quadruped farm animal for consumption and then find out that it's actually the flesh of some OTHER quadruped farm animal? That would be like ordering chicken and being served duck or something. I think I'm going to be sick.

Pope Benequit Says No More!

After many years reigning as the scariest looking pope on record, Pope Benedict broke with tradition and resigned. He claims it was due to declining health, but that hadn't stopped previous popes from doing whatever they do until they shrivelled up into robed raisins. It's too bad that he quit in his prime like that when there are so many that look up to him. I mean, think about it. If all those priests had thrown in the towel after countless accusations, they never would have gone on to be relocated and continue to follow their dreams.

Terror in the Skies!

An asteroid blazed its way into the atmosphere over Russia, briefly distracting youtube viewers' attentions away from the immeasurably stupid "Harlem Shake" fad. The meteor caused a shockwave that injured over a thousand people, and North Korea issued a statement declaring the meteor a complete success and a proud moment for the nation.

False Spice

Mitch & Roland: #68 Birthday

Things Pro Wrestling and Figure Skating Have in Common

Skaters and Wrestlers ...

1. Wear tight, revealing custom outfits, often following a specific theme.
2. Develop signature moves.
3. Have routines that are carefully choreographed but sometimes improvisation is needed.
4. Compete on their own, or with a partner.
5. Perform dangerous jumps and spins, and can be potentially seriously hurt or cut.
6. Pick up other athletes over their heads and sometimes throw them.
7. Choose their own music.
8. Have judging that is very subjective and controversial at times. Some people feel the outcomes are rigged.
9. Form fierce rivalries and have been known to sabotage one another outside the rink/ring.
10. Compete for various titles and build a reputation throughout their careers.
11. Must be strong and agile, but also have a flair for showmanship. 
12. Sometimes look like they're dancing.

Mitch & Roland: #67 Tweet