Mitch & Roland: #61 Panic

Happy Canada Day to everyone ... except for the Yanks. They'll have to wait until Sunday to party.

Sandwich with Side of Adrenaline

Today I had a thrilling first experience that didn't involve drugs of any kind. I got to experience an earthquake.

As you no doubt heard, Ottawa experienced a 5.5 magnitude earthquake on Wednesday. At the time I was out having lunch with my partner in crime at a bistro pub when it happened. We were nearly finished our meal when suddenly the restaurant began rumbling. My first thought was that it was a big truck on the road shaking things up, so I turned my head toward the open front of the bistro to see the street.

Instead of seeing a truck, I watched as the front of the restaurant rocked and swayed with the increasing tremors. People were jumping from their seats and rushing the door, and someone outside was shouting, "Everyone get out! Get out!"

It seemed like sound advice, so I ran. Once we were out on the sidewalk I could still feel the quake rumbling beneath my feet and a stranger pointed out to me that the parking meters were vibrating and wobbling.

As it had happened I had thought, "This can't be an earthquake, right? Ottawa doesn't have earthquakes, right?" And in the moment of fleeing the restaurant, I can honestly say it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I may have peed a little. Of course no one was hurt or killed and the restaurant hadn't collapsed the moment we stepped clear, but it was exhilarating nonetheless.

The experience did teach me to always be on my toes. Also, for some reason once I was outside, I found that I had escaped clutching my napkin; as if that would be something important to save. Yeah ... don't call me in a moment of crisis to save your family from a burning building. I'll just end up rescuing all the linens.

So far in my life I've experienced floods, a hurricane, and now an earthquake. Next on my list? I'm looking at you, tornado. Bring it on!

Mitch & Roland: #60 Clean

It certainly has been an inexcusable amount of time since I've last posted a Mitch and Roland comic. That being said, I hope you will excuse the amount of time it's been since I've posted a Mitch and Roland comic.

My Doodles at Work

I'm not going to say that I'm unfocused at work, but sometimes the only thing that relieves the boredom is a bit of paper. I'm the kind of man that needs to keep his hands busy. Sometimes after watching a movie I'll look down and find that I've crocheted a blanket.

Here's a cowboy. I call him Slim "Gut-punch" McCoy. As you can tell from this stunning illustration, he is a heartless, ruthless, killing machine. An infamous horse thief and womanizer, he kills anyone that looks at him funny. He also loves sherbet and playing tiddlywinks.

If you couldn't tell immediately this drawing is all about a duck-centric version of "Back to the Future". It would be about a duck named Mallard McFly who finds out that his scientist friend, Doctor Emmitt Down, has invented time travel when you fly at 88 FPS (Flaps-per-second). Mallard ends up getting sent back in time, accidentally interfering with his parents meeting, and facing the chance of never even being hatched. It then becomes a race against time to get his parents back together and return to the present before his influence on the past creates a time para-ducks. Uh ... it's a work in progress.

This last doodle is based on a concept I devised with the uncompromising Cole. Like most of you out there, I spent my university career hanging out with friends, mocking bad television, and coming up with better shows of our own. The TV show that hopefully will eventually find it's way to the small screen is "Medi-Cops". We figured that since most TV dramas are about doctors or police officers, why not fuse them together? Surgeons by day and ridiculously brutal cops by night (or vice versa), they would perform astounding feats like gunning down a criminal in the street, only to rush him to the E.R. to carefully extract the bullets, save his life, and then proceed to interrogate him.

If I recall correctly, one of the cops would carry dual pistols that he would rub together like cardiac paddles, then shout "Clear!" before leaping out from around a corner and opening fire. They would also have a multitude of awesome catchphrases like:

"He needs 30cc's of lead, stat!"

"Take two of these and I'll see you in jail by morning." (These are most likely bullets.)

"It's time to pull the plug on these street punks!"

"My diagnosis? You're under arrest!"

"An apple a day won't do shit."

"I.V. seeing you in the slammer."

"Time of death ... in about 10 seconds."

As you can see, it's a downward slope, but this stuff writes itself. Anyone who doesn't support this potential hit is a fool. Well, I gotta go and -hey! ... where did all these doilies come from?

Goodly-Portion-of-the-World Cup

The air is electric and that can mean only one thing. No, not Tesla Coils. It's World Cup 2010!

That's right. We've all been waiting anxiously and now we will finally know which country has the best soccer team ... in the whole goddamn world. I know it seems like we figured that out in 2006, and previously in 2002, and before that every four years going back numerous decades, but this is the real deal! And I've got my money on Honduras. Honduras is a place, right? And they have and team and qualified and stuff? Yeah, right on. Go Honduras! Not too many people know this, but Honduras comes from a Spanish word meaning "Home of Durability".

I suppose I should be rooting for Canada, but apparently Canada isn't part of the world. Thanks, FIFA. I guess we're good enough for World Wars, but not World Cups. Pfft. No matter. We still have out own special cup we can win. We just don't feel like it though.

Having watched several games already, I feel I have a firm grasp of the game and how it's played. I know that if another player ever makes contact with you, you should tumble immediately to the ground in a death roll and act like every bone in your legs have been shattered. I also know that soccer fans must sound their cheap plastic horns for the entire event no matter what. Even if nothing significant is happening, and no one is actually playing. Of course there's nothing wrong with celebrating and being enthusiastic, but can I watch two consecutive seconds of a game without the crowd sounding like a bunch of dying 18-wheelers?

Soccer is an amazing game. The only flaw is that the field isn't long enough, and the nets are too small. Am I right? If soccer ever wants to be become a serious sport like golf, it's definitely going to have to expand a few acres to avoid being so crowded. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of Foosball.

Uh ... Go Honduras!!

Beat the Heat

As the summer heat begins cooking us alive I thought I'd share my tried and true techniques for beating the heat. Results may vary!

- Buy a popsicle. Break it in two and put them under your armpits.

- Spoon an electric fan during the night. If you don't have a fan, spoon a pile of cold spoons.

- Every time you get something from the fridge, accidentally drop your keys and climb inside for a few minutes to look for them.

- Wear a bathrobe that's been soaked in cool water. Or if you don't have a bathrobe, use a bunch of damp towels sewn together.

- Buy a life sized ice sculpture of a horse and then sit on it until it melts in half, then spend of the rest of the day throwing a sno-cone party.

-Eat an ice cream cone every hour on the hour until you are rushed to the hospital. As we all know, hospitals have air conditioning.

- At all costs avoid moving around and doing stuff. Cancel all plans with friends and family until the fall. Meeting people just means you have to put your clothes on and get out of that wading pool.

March Music (Parody) Madness: Clock Fetish

And so we have arrived at the end of the month and the third and final part of my parody shin dig. Today's song is a parody of "Tik-tok" by Ke$ha, the only singer I know whose voice sounds slutty, drunk, and robotic ... all at the same time.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it. It's about to get sexy up in here.

Clock Fetish

Wake up in the morning feeling quite run down,
Need a fix, of that which ticks, with a metered sound.
Walk the walk, grandfather clock, cause I sure love a chimer,
Cause you know, I can't get off, with just any egg timer.

I'm talking timing shit on our phones, phones
Trying out all time zones, zones.
Boys get your metronomes, nomes.

Daylight savings gets me all sweaty,
Do you like your time military?
I'll wrist your watch if you let me.

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

I'm counting seconds, minutes, hours, and the days of the year
Put your watch in my pocket, and then go oil my gears
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they think they have style,
But we kick em to the curb unless they have a sundial.

I'm talking everybody fitting cogs, cogs
an hourglass that unclogs, clogs
But I won't do analog-log

I love the pendulum how it swings, swings
watch it break our springs, springs
gonna break our springs, springs,
Buh-buh break us...

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

You wind me up,
and I slide down,
Just like Doc Brown,
from that tower.

When my time's up
I might erupt
I love that sound
Yeah, you got me

The mouse ran up,
and I go down
the clock strikes one,
and you got me

The mouse ran up,
and your time's up,
and your time's up,

Now, the party don't start without "Big Ben"

Don't stop, cuckoo clock
DJ, whip that bird out.
Big Hand, Little Hand,
Always touching when they can.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

Don't stop, quartz clock
Oscillations on my mind
My chains, wound tight
Whether morning, noon, or night.
Tick tock, grab your clock
Then the party won't stop, no

March Music (Parody) Madness: We Didn't Start The Console

Time to kick off part two of my parody extravaganza. I know extravaganza is a bit of stretch to describe blogging lyrics, but go with me on this and it'll be over soon.

Today's parody is of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". It's a chronological journey through gaming history. Enjoy.

We Didn't Start The Console

Asteroids, Space Invaders, Pitfall, Dragon's Lair

Breakout, Gauntlet, Super Off Road

Centipede, Adventure, Golden Axe, Defender

Frogger, Digdug, Kaboom and Battlezone

Marble Madness, Burgertime, Q-bert, Frontline

Contra, Dragon Warrior, and Missile Command

After Burner, Joust, Pong, Moon Patrol, Donkey Kong

Warlords, Galaga, and Mrs. Pacman

Chorus:

We didn't start the console,

It was always playing

Since the 1980's

We didn't start the console

No we didn't make it

But we loved to take it

Ninja Gaiden, Arkanoid, Adventure Island, Metroid

Double Dribble, Bubble Bobble, Castlevania

River City Ransom, Punch Out, Double Dragon

Kirby, Duck Hunt, Turtles Mania

Mario, Luigi, Revenge of Shinobi

Ghosts and Goblins, Blades of Steel, Shinning Force and Metal Gear

Sonic, Kid Icarus, Megaman, Tetris

Excitebike... played all night, blowin' on the cartridge!

(Chorus)

Chrono Trigger, Final Fight, Starfox flying was a sight

Donkey Kong Country, Dark World in Zelda 3

Earthbound, Bomberman, Yoshi has an Island

A slue of 2D RPGs, like epic Final Fantasy

F-Zero was a blur, Lunar, Soul Calibur

Mortal Kombat, Contra's War, Shenmue and Lufia

Wolfenstein, Joe & Mac, Lost Vikings, Flashback

Street Fighter Alpha, Secret of Mana

(Chorus)

Xenogears, Chrono Cross, Cloud, Aerith, Sephiroth

Tomb Raider, Wild Arms, Marvel Vs. Capcom

Resident Evil's Veronica, Symphony in Castlevania

Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Blood Omen, Tony Hawk

Vagrant Story, Bust a Groove, Tekken, Crash Bandicoot

Conker's Bad Fur Day, what else do I have to play?

(Chorus)

Fatal Frame, Silent Hill, Eternal Darkness, Splinter Cell

Ico, Halo, Grim Fandago

Twisted Metal, Gran Turismo, DDR, Guitar Hero

Devil May Cry, Metroid Prime, Metal Slug, Dead or Alive

Syphon Filter, Pokemon, Onimusha, Kingdom Hearts

Wind Waker, Smash Brothers, Oddworld, Prince of Persia

Katamari Damancy, Snake and Sons of Liberty

Grand Theft Auto, God of War, Holy shit they're making more!