'Cause Sometimes You Feel Lucky

Speaking of game shows, I must say that "Deal or No Deal" is simply awful. The premise is admittedly kind of clever, but the presentation makes me sick. Here are ten things I can't stand about the show.

1) First of all, the American incarnation of this show is needless spectacle. Any little tidbit of information they can learn from the contestants becomes the theme of the show. Are they superstitious? Enjoy fishing? Collect pelican eggs? Let's celebrate your hobby! If some guy is a football fan then you can bet everything will be decorated like a stadium, the girls will be wearing helmets, and halfway through the game a famous quarterback will spring out of Howie Mandel's ass and offer a bonus prize. Most likely...football tickets.

2) Doesn't matter what's going on, it's going to be interrupted every 90 seconds by Howie announcing a commercial break. This builds pointless suspense and viewer anger.

3) The contestants are the stupidest bunch of people you could ever find. But that's just peachy 'cause this is the easiest game show invented yet. There's no physical challenges, no trivia, no time limit, no skill required whatsoever. As long as they can point and grunt out some hint of a number, they have the potential to win.

4) These mindless contestants are given free reign over the entire stage, so they can run around like hyperactive dickheads and make the show seem even more like a circus. I can't stand these greedy knobs hooting, hollering, and bounding about with their brainless family like 'Idiots on Parade'.

5) Which brings me to their family. Equally dumb and greedy family members tag along to convince the contestants to play longer and therefor lose. They don't help anything; they should stay the hell at home.

6) Everyone goes on the intent on winning a million dollars, and they act like nothing else is acceptable. That's just ignorant. The odds of winning the grand prize is so slim that they have a better chance of slipping and breaking their neck, or a family member's neck, while cartwheeling with excitement during the game. The show has never had a million dollar winner, and it never will.

7) No one gets the fact that it's a game of Goddamn chance! It's all dumb luck, but these people wont shut up about the strategy involved. There is no strategy to this game; a blender filled with numbered balls would fair equally. The only strategy is deciding when to leave, and most people screw that up.

8) Everyone is so greedy that they turn down massive figures of money (that they did not earn and don't deserve), in the hopes they'll get much more.

9) Did I mention how stupid the contestants are? Wicked dumb.

10) Finally, the villain of the show is the mysterious 'banker' who sits in the shadows making the offers. All the contestants buy into (or at least play along with) this Bad Guy character when all he represents is a calculation of the odds. They're playing against a computer, but they act like this 'man' is stealing their child's college money. "I'm taking all the Banker's money!" Right, and then you're going to play online chess with Santa Claus. Shut the hell up!

Surprise! We're Poor!

Just In Case You Were Not Aware

Cats suck. Like, a lot.

Except for the few cats that have lived in my home as a child, I find most cats utterly terrible. They are moody, impersonal, aggressive, greedy, and generally evil creatures. The only domesticated animal that seems to be constantly fighting the fact that it's been domesticated. If cats had it their way, they'd exist alone roaming the earth, eating and shitting as they please.

In Korea, that's the way most cats swing. Just this morning I was reminded why I hate them so much. I awoke to the sounds of pure horror coming from outside my window. I tried to ignore the animal noises for a while and sleep, but the gargling moans, hisses, and whining growls would not cease.

I feared to go outside. I believed (based on the noises) that I would come face to face with a scene of pure gore. Something is dying out there and I don't want to be a part of it, I thought. I hate cats as much as the next , but I would not care to see one injured and in pain.

Finally I couldn't take it. The sounds were getting louder and more frequent so I burst out of my apartment like a dolphin from a hammock. Outside I found three well-fed street cats all in a stare-down over someones compost bucket. Some profanities sent them scattering, and my Sunday morning returned to peaceful silence again.

If I never see another skulking mangy feline as I walk around my neighborhood, it'll be too soon. Everywhere I go, there are cats darting about from shadow to shadow, giving me looks that I can only describe as insidious. The kind of looks that would give a gypsy rickets.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've got Oscar fever. Or maybe it's just a fever. This is probably those cats' fault. I bet when I'm at work they spend the day licking my mailbox and coughing all over my doorknob. Goddamn it.

Mitch & Roland: #7 Mustard

This week I asked a class of students what their hobbies were. While most kids gave me the cloned answer about playing computer games, one girl stood out by letting me know her hobby was 'eating spaghetti'. That, my friends, is golden.

I don't know if this girl had a wide definition of what a hobby can be, or was simply very honest about her life passions. In either case, I was delighted by that answer. I think we all know at least one person who has that sort of hobby.

In an unrelated matter, the weekend is here, and so is another comic. If you find yourself lost and unable to follow the rich storyline, fear not! Help is on the way!

Defining Life Decisions

Deck Envy

Here's a thought.

Did you know that all you need to do to steal children's money is sell tiny pieces of cardboard and claim they're collectible? Or rare! I'm basing this on the fact that children all around me are obsessed with yu-gi-oh cards. A large part of their day revolves around obtaining and groping those tiny rectangular pictures.

In Canada and Korea alike, I've witnessed children amass thick stacks of these ridiculous playing cards and gloat to their friends. I use the phrase 'playing cards' lightly, cause I've yet to see any children actually playing with the damn things. I imagine less than 5% of all the kids who blew their allowances on those packets have ever bothered to decipher the rules and give it a go. They're too busy trying to find the ultimate card.

You know. The one that does six million damage points and dispenses ice cream.

Until then they'll spend their time fondling the shiny cards and fanning them out with glee. Yet, for all the money spent on these cards, they don't 'cherish' them as you would expect. I've seen so many of these cards scattered on the streets it's retarded. I know the kids probably toss the ones they have doubles of, but I collected more than thirty cards outside my house one day. That's a bit much.

One day a student of mine grabbed one of his friend's cards and tore it in twain ... for no reason. The kid went "Awwwwww" for about two seconds before returning mindlessly to his card-ogling. Tell me that's not weird. I've watched students pitch a fit over anything and nothing, so I was surprised when that act of destruction didn't result in a punch in the mouth. It's like these cards have an unholy grip on the youth. It brainwashes them into obtaining the cards, but never doing much more than that.

Hey! You remember POGS ? I sure do. They seemed to dominate the last years of my elementary school days. Nothing like discs of meaningless cardboard to stimulate a child's mind.

I have an idea. Why don't we just sell discarded pudding cups as a toy? Sure! Just paint some ugly cartoon characters on the side and call them "Wacky Power Kups". Kids can whip them at each other's heads and gain 'Golden Kuppin' Points'. Then, once they've bought enough Kups to support their body weight , they become a Kupper Master and earn the respect of friends. Yes! I can see it now! Do you wanna buy some? A pack of three costs 6 bucks.

What? Got no money? Ask your mother!

Mitch & Roland: #6 Bear

Animal attacks. This is the meat and potatoes of comedy. Well, mostly the meat. I think farts are the potatoes.

Lights! Camera! Compound Fracture with Soft Tissue Laceration!

The Internet is a wondrous invention that provides mankind access to two resources: Pornography and Humourous Videos of People Hurting Themselves. Both of these display a severe lack of intelligence in humanity as each show people demeaning themselves voluntarily.

You can't take three whole steps into the Internet without coming face to face with a growing pile of injured teenagers. And it always involves skateboards. Why is it that a mixture of skateboards and video cameras tricks young boys into believing they are wholly capable of impossible acts? I had access to a video camera as a kid, but I never was inclined to give it to a friend and have him document my leaping off a garage to 'grind' something.

Now that I think about it, I have one friend who injured himself whilst riding in a shopping kart, and another who performed a flying knee kick to the chest of a willing 'pal'. In both instances, cameras were involved.

Anyway, this drawing is a tribute to those people. For anyone who ever seriously considered car-surfing, building a ramp out of scrap wood, or leaping from a rooftop just because their friends claimed they had 'worked out all the kinks'.

Whatever Floats Thy Boat

To everyone out there, Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you enjoy it in your own special way; whether it is by embracing a fair maiden on a rocky beach and gazing at the sunset as the waves crash up around you, filling the air with mist, ... or by lighting some candles and stripping under a ceiling fan and feeling the cool breeze as you spread out on the floor and slap handfuls of lube on yourself.

It would make much more sense to have Valentine's Day in the spring. You know, a season that people actually associate with love and passion. But instead it got stuck in February, a month so lame that we amputated a few days off the end to get through with it quicker. Maybe the logic was to somehow make the month better. Fight off the chill of winter with the warmth of your passions?

That reminds me. So many months are names for girls. August, May, April, June, etc. If I have a daughter, I promise not to name her February. I'll give her a cool name like Amber, Jessica, Shotgun, or Novembria.

So what I'm trying to say is that even though it has no business occurring now, enjoy this chocolate filled day. Be it with wine, candlelight, hot towel, car battery, a spin cycle... etc.
As long as you make it special for the one you love.

Don't forget to love yourself.

What is Success?

The answer is this guy...

I hope I didn't offend anyone with the complete randomness of this drawing. It popped into my head the other day while I was doing dishes. Something about this attention-starved buffoon made me laugh to myself.

Batten Down the Pieholes!

As we approach the lunar new year and enter (this time for real) the year of the golden pig, everyone has their minds on the good fortune it may bestow on us all. Many Koreans are rushing to procreate and make sure they have a child born in this year of wealth and prosperity. While those things are appealing to me, the one thing I crave the most these days -which is not being offered by the honeyed hog - is some peace and quiet.

I think most who know me would agree I'm generally a sedate kind of guy. Before moving to the gargantuan city of Seoul, I lived a mostly calm and quiet life with few annoyances. However, whether it was loud, obnoxious goofballs living upstairs who thrashed about at all hours of the night, or some woman yakking into her cellphone on the bus, noise was usually the source of my irritation.

These days I feel as if I'm fighting a constant battle against noise. Everywhere I turn my eardrums are being assaulted endlessly. Blaring fruit trucks run the streets in the morning, whining and shouting children own my day, and even now all around me are the cacophonous sound effects from dozens of computer games being played at once. Although headphones are available to everyone at the Internet cafe, it seems I'm the only one considerate enough to use them ... and I mostly type and surf the interweb.

And don't even think about going to the mall. You step into that cyclone of noise and bustle for half an hour and you want to start kicking strangers in the face. As much as I enjoy shopping, I can't spend much time there before I become overwhelmed by the sounds, colors, and lights and essentially become a lost soul wandering from smoothie stand to smoothie stand.

My lord, there are a lot of people! And they're all trying to talk over one another. And when they're not talking to someone they're with, they're talking to someone on the phone. And when they're not on the phone, their phones are ringing with shrill versions of the same popular songs that the stores are playing for the customers at ear-splitting volume.

It's bad enough that about 2 million people decided to go buy jeans the same day I did, but I still cannot understand the logic of these stores in Korea where employees shriek continuously about sales and their products. I walk into a department store and we got an employee every four feet hawking their wares. Sometimes these pushy people are wailing into megaphones. I get the idea! You guys want me to buy something here! There's no need to add to the severe noise pollution and shout your guts up trying to convince people, who have come willingly into your store, that they should look around. And grocery stores need to learn that having a fruit-monger at every turn is overkill.

It seems like everyone has gotten so much louder these days and I really feel the world needs to to learn to shut the hell up. I can't hear myself think! Can anyone? A Golden Pig is all well and good, but I'm hoping next year is devoted to the deaf-mute badger or something.

Mitch & Roland: #5 Cramps

This week's comic explores an important matter: Cramps. Sometimes called 'Pretzel Muscle' or 'The Loud Whiny Killer', this dangerous affliction affects nine out of ten doctors. In fact, by the time you're finished reading this sentence, more than 46 billion people around the world will be overcome with these brutal muscle contractions.

The time to give is now. If we all contribute and help to fund research, perhaps, just maybe, we can see the elimination of cramps and delayed onset muscle soreness in our lifetimes. Until then all we can do is pray.

And eat bananas. Apparently potassium helps prevent them.

Terrible Super Heroes: # 7-12

I present to thee another installment of awful heroes. Enjoy!

Also, I would like to mention that the idea for hero #8 is from the mind of my brother. Thanks, man. So I ask everyone reading to suggest your own 'Terrible Heroes'. Whichever one I like the most will be added to the next batch of heroes with a fresh cartoon. Time to step up to the plate, y'all.

Give a Man a Fish, and He Will Eat It In Two Bites

A student gave me a small snack as soon as I arrived at work. Not the traditional apple that we expect teachers to receive, but a crispy pungobbang! What on God's green earth is that, you ask, screaming mere inches from the monitor?

It's a tiny carp shaped pastry filled with semi-sweet red bean paste. Yeah, and you better believe it's delicious. Nothing like simulating eating a fish filled with thick piping hot guts. It's like the hot pocket of Korea.

Don't get me wrong, it's a snack that is satisfying and delicious, plus a sack of four costs a buck, you can't go wrong. You can get the scoop on some of the most popular Korean street snacks yourself.

Remember the Titans and/or Buffalo Wings

For all you football fans out there, I would like to share a brief list of all the ways you can enhance your Superbowl Sunday. Whether it's to impress your friends as you host a party, or to simply feel closer to the powerful ballet that is footballing, this list should offer some ideas.

1. Rent a large screen television (something huge that requires furniture-movers to wear back braces) and set it up outdoors. Then watch the game from bleachers, or failing that, a rooftop.
2. Join your friends for clichéd road trip romp to see the Superbowl, which will end with you breaking into Peyton Manning's house and him catching you with a hooker in his bed. Try to be wearing a football helmet when he does.
3. While watching the game, hoot and holler in a supportive fashion. Mix it up with some whistling, booing, fist-pumping, air guitar, finger-snapping, pointing, hissing, spitting, pelvic thrusts, and 'walking against the wind'.
4. During halftime, escort your guests outdoors where you will have a small boxing ring set up. Inside the ring release a bear and a colt to fight for sporting supremacy. Place bets if possible.
5. Have your wife or significant other prepare an assortment of snacks like devilled eggs, nachos, and homemade pretzels. If you're not married ... jeez ... I dunno, cut a football in half and fill it with potato and macaroni salad.
6. Paint your body to match team colors and stand by the highway and look sad. You never know, someone might just pick you up and take you to the game out of sheer pity. And wear a cape.
7. Tackle strangers and then wish them a Merry Superbowl.
8. Take your friends bowling, and play in a super fashion or something. Then eat food out of a giant bowl, and then bowl over with laughter.
9. Find a sign in your neighborhood that says 'Superbowl XLI' and rearrange the letters to make 'We Spill Ox Rub' or 'Bull Sex. Rip! Ow!"
10. Become extremely connected to the sport and put a lot of emotional weight on the game's outcome. Whether they be tears of joy, or tears of sadness, make sure you have a good cry. That'll cleanse you physically and spiritually, and also make your thirsty for more beer. Win, win.

Mitch & Roland: #4 Flapjackoholic

TGIF, people, TGIF... Time to Get Intoxicated Fast. Lord have mercy, it's cold these days. I go outside and it feels like the sun has called it quits. And as soon as night rolls around, which seems to be every half hour, the air becomes so sharply cold that it's like Jack Frost is stabbing my face.

We've entered February (Latin for 'fabulous library'), and the only reasonably way I can think to celebrate is by uploading a comic about pancakes. Enjoy.

Vulgar Lout of the Month

What does it mean to be a terrible employee? How much does it take to be the best of the worst at ineptly handling your job? In this installment of Top Five, I chose to explore the top job ending moments.

What is a job ending moment? Well, it's the single recognizable thing you say or do that convinces your employer to fire you. I would hope that most people are fired after their meager work performance has been observed over an extended period. But a 'job-ender' is a wooden stake through the heart of your employment (If you're a werewolf, a silver bullet). I would suggest attempting any of these to destroy your source of income in one swift blow.

These cartoons are directly inspired by an actual person that I never met. I listened to many a story of him in disbelief, and over time developed a picture of him in my brain. Strangely, he was never fired for being one of the worst employees I've ever heard of, but ended up quiting. These cartoons are a tribute to that impossible lummox.